Tweaking things.

Thursday 27th October 2011

What is the point of having rules when if one or more are broken there is not accountability or follow through straight away?

I cannot falter my HOH for follow through - he does it.  He has done everything I have asked him to.  Each and every fortnight when we are alone.  For the last few weeks I have not had to remind him, he has told me “tonight is the night” he gets the book, reads it, gets me into position, gives me a few spanks for "this" a few spanks for "that" and then a few more for good measure.   It’s always painful, always full on.  He never makes me feel like he feels he “has” to do this for me, that he doesn’t really want to.  It’s never half hearted.  The book is more for his aid than mine.  Because he has such a bad memory, and he really is uncomfortable spanking me when we have kids (except on rare occasions that I have blogged about) he prefers to use the book to help him make me accountable for things he may well have forgotten about.  And at the end of the day this is a journey we both have to take, despite which one of us brought the subject up, it has to fit us both.  So I compromise, it’s not my ideal, but if it works for him, then I will do it.

My lack of feeling connected on Sunday could have been a lot of things; we have a lot of stress going on at the moment with “thorn” so it could have been about that.  But maybe the book and ‘fortnightly accountability” is just not working that well.

I admit it’s not quite how I imagined it would be. 

In my ideal world we set some rules – rules for my behaviour but also rules for what I expect back from him – fair is fair.  A submissive has the responsibility to be submissive and obedient, open and honest and there are consequences if she isn’t – but a HOH also has responsibility – to be consistent, to be honest, and to be strong and steadfast.   If I break a rule then I should be punished for it, there and then or as close to the incident as possible.  He calls me to him and we talk about it, he tells me off about it and if he then decides it’s warranted, he spanks me for it.  I acknowledge that I was wrong, that I deserve the punishment and I accept it and submit to his authority.  Then when it’s over he comforts me and I’m forgiven and we move on. 

(Last night for example.  It was grocery night.  I was not paying attention to the shopping and I went over budget by quite a bit.  This will put us out for the rest of the week.  I wrote it in my book but I didn’t tell him until this morning.  He said I deserve a spanking for it.   But will he tonight?  He should.  Maybe I should ask him if he will.  I know he will bring it up next time we have accountability….but this is a set rule that I broke because I was not paying attention when I was shopping – its one of those times a there and then spanking is warranted).

There are times when I may be argumentative, or being cheeky – which he can tolerate to a certain point but then he has to stop it at some point.  Like the other week when he dragged me into the bathroom and put a stop to my attitude with the hairdryer cord.  Excellent, perfect no complaints whatsoever and it made me feel completely submissive and respectful and loving. 

And then there is maintenance.  It’s how I try to think of my accountability sessions – both punishments and maintenance in one. 

But its not working quite how I thought it would.  Things need tweaking a bit.

Maybe the lines are blurred because I like spanking.  Maybe if I really didn’t like to be spanked then it would be more straight forward. 

I am clear in my mind about the difference in spankings.  To me, I like play spankings which we do sometimes, I don’t like punishments because of the fact that I feel guilty for what I have done, I don’t like to disappoint him, I long for the good girl comments when he is proud of me.  For me its all in my mind set.  I can work with that.  It’s good.

But these fortnightly accountability sessions are getting blurred.  The guilt is gone, I've worked through what I’ve done – in fact I’ve become a little blasé about the incidents.  By the time it comes to spanking me for them its more like play rather than punishment for them.  But perhaps that’s how he is thinking of it. 

Things need tweaking slightly.  Starting tonight.  I will email him before I go home tonight and ask if he is going to spank me tonight for over spending on the budget.  It’s a rule, I broke it, I deserve it.    I still find it too hard to talk to him face to face….something that may never change – thank goodness for technology like text messaging and emails.  Is it wrong to suggest that he talks to me about it first, tells me off, makes me acknowledge what I did (even though I think I’m acknowledging it now anyway) but acknowledge it to him and then accept his punishment?

Something another blogger said and it gave me a bit of a light bulb moment (thank you Rogue).  DD really is plain and simple.  We set rules, if a rule is broken or I do something he considers wrong, he calls me to him, scolds me or tells me off about it I acknowledge that it was wrong he decides whether to punish or not, I accept that decision and we forgive, forget and move on.

It really is that simple and I have just make it too complicated.  I have all these little ideas in my head, little scenarios, way too complicated.

But saying that, its something that does need thought, consideration, conversation and communication still, just a little less convoluted than I have been making it perhaps.  Its a fine line and to find that balance needs open and honest communication.

I freely admit I was on the verge of calling it quits completely with DD at the weekend.  But reading a couple of the other blogs and reading the comments from my readers, I'm feeling a little better, things are back in perspective, things need tweaking a little is all.  I need to talk to hubby and see how he feels. I need to put it to him how I see this working, and then get his feelings and then we need to work from there.  And I add that my final spanking on Sunday night was much better, because it felt "real" it was something important to him that he was striving to get through to me.

Yes, tweaking things a little is a good idea.