Speed Wobbles

I always thought of myself as a fairly strong person.

I have been through some tough times.  Two marriages; two divorces; one pretty miserable relationship; one miscarriage and one ectopic pregnancy.

I have moved from one side of the world to the other (with two small children and being 3 1/2 months pregnant to boot).

I coped.

I managed.

Possibly, even thrived.

I started a new relationship 3 years ago and with fear and trepidation but with determination I confessed my need for discipline to my new partner.

I survived all of that too.

But now I have family staying with me.

I have been told to move out of the house I am currently renting.

So, I am moving again; but a major big move to another part of the Country.

Leaving a job I enjoyed for 10 years. Moving away from family and friends from the North to the South.

And I feel like I am sinking fast. 

I handed in my notice after 10 years service.  That was the hardest thing in the world to do.

I am trying to pack up and clean up where we are at now.

I am trying to work out finances and I can see nothing but a black hole ahead of me.

Sir doesn’t seem to be bothered and is taking his sweet merry time in packing up and tidying up outside where we are at the moment.

We are fighting Little Miss's mother who after first consenting to Little Miss going is now fighting it.  The most frustrating thing about this is that it's not even about Little Miss, its about making things as difficult for Sir as possible.  And try as I might to give Thorn the benefit of the doubt, it just doesn’t wash.  It's just malicious nastiness on her part. 

I hit a BIG speed wobble this week.  The ground is very shaky under my feet, I am not feeling strong. 

I have been absolutely rotten to Sir.  My attitude is…well…let's just say the bitch in me has come out in full force.

There is very little DD in place at the moment as we have our visitors still staying with us and they don’t like Sir and Sir doesn’t like them - so I am piggy in the middle.

I feel so out of hand.

I feel like its make or break for us as a couple.

Sir appears to not care less about the move.

I need wobble control.

That old Chestnut "Inconsistency"

Even after all this time it still raises its ugly head. So, to all HOHs out there, please try and understand how inconsistency makes us feel. You set our rules, and the consequences... And then we go and break a rule. We acknowledge this when you tell us off and warn us to expect a punishment for it. We prepare ourselves and resolve ourselves to accept the due punishment with grace and dignity. We are repentant (on the whole that is) and we promise that we will try to do better. We swear to ourselves that it wont happen again. We submit to you with our hearts and souls and await our fate...... ........ But then punishment doesn't happen. The wrongdoing is not even acknowledged again. It confuses us. It makes us feel angry. Hurt. Worst of all I N D E P E N D A N T; that we CAN do what we want, behave how we want. It also makes us feel unworthy of your attentions. It makes us think that whatever we did wrong in the first place, doesn't really matter to you so we can do it again without fear of consequences. That thought then flows on to well, we don't really matter to you. And we know this is irrational but its how we tend to feel, or how inconsistency makes us feel. It's like we take a breath and hold it while we await our sentence...and then we can't breathe again until its over. But if it never happens, we keep holding our breath. I always figured inconsistency was worse when we first started this DD relationship. But when it happens when you are well and truly into the journey and both parties are happy with how everything is going, comfortable with being the punished and the punisher...well inconsistency is even worse. Inconsistency? Well, I think it’s worse than any punishment that can be metered out. And inconsistency in an established DD relationship - well it just plain sucks. Just sayin!