Wednesday 19th October 2011
OK. So I have a little dilemma. I don't know quite what to do and so I thought I would put my dilemma out here and see what comes back.
My husband is just great. I think he is awesome at being HOH. Considering he has never spanked a woman in his life before he met me not even for play, he has done such an awesome job with me, listening to my needs even though I am very inarticulate in telling him what they are. He has taken his role as HOH and pretty much run with it. Which is exactly what I wanted.
But I don't seem to be learning. Every week there is something he needs to discipline me for. As much as I like spanking I don't want to be punished all the time. I so yearn for the good girl I like to get from him, I like to see him be so happy with me and my behaviour.
I have been thinking, what will make me learn, what will make me listen and try harder to be a good girl. Spankings alone obviously are not doing the trick - and I certainly don't want him to suddenly start thinking, this is not working so why bother anymore.
You all know about my little punishment book that I write in. I have gotten very slack and I didn't write in it all last week. I have brought it up to date now as best as I can, memory permitting. And I was told last night that this weekend I will have two weeks worth of accountability to discuss (I love his word discuss - I'm sure the word discuss doesn't mean being bent over and spanked - well not in my dictionary anyway)
I had a bit of an idea yesterday. Normally the procedure is that he gets me into position or tells me where he would like me, I comply and then he randomly goes through my book and then spanks me for each infraction, while telling me off a little, but not so much. At first he would flip through the whole book and would try to punish me for things we had already "discussed". So now I mark the book from the beginning of the week so he just reads from there.
So back to my idea - I would find it very difficult if I had to read aloud from the book. I would find it very uncomfortable if I were to stand in front of him, read aloud from the book everything I had written down, have him repeat each one back to me and I to acknowledge what I had done and acknowledge that I would be spanked for each offence. I struggle so hard to say these words out loud.
I just wonder if perhaps being made to do that, saying the words out loud to him, being made to look him in the eye while confessing my infractions and acknowledging that I am to be punished would make me try harder to behave. It would certainly be a trial for me to do that.
If I suggest this to him would this be topping from the bottom? Any ideas on how I could try and implement this? I was thinking of emailing (yes email queen is back) and just suggesting that maybe we could try something along the lines of.......to see if makes me try harder to behave and then ask him what he thinks. A good friend of mine thought I was still topping from the bottom which is the last thing I want to do.
Help, please, any suggestions or ideas or do you all agree that I'm topping from the bottom?
First let me start by saying I am certainly no expert. That said, it can only be considered topping from the bottom if he thinks so. Some men want no input, perspectives, ideas, etc. -- some do. And the ones that do have a way of not losing any of their dominance. Sort of the same way some want you to speak only in the 3rd person, etc. and some don't.
ReplyDeleteWhy not ask him if you offered an idea on a matter - while understanding fully that he has the final say -- ask him how he would view it. Then go from there.
The beauty of relationships -- they only need to meet the needs of the two people involved. If he doesn't view it as topping - who cares what other people think!
Just my $.02
I used to always worry about topping from the bottom. Until Master made me realize....sharing my thoughts with Him, is not demanding that He agrre or follows though. Share with him, it is his decision if he agrees. Your job is to accept His decision...trust me...not always easy. abby
ReplyDeleteok....a bit out of context (or misunderstood?)
ReplyDeleteAnyways...I think the thought in and of itself is a good one! (I was more concerned with the method.) I think having to stand actually having to TELL them and acknowledge them, not just put them on a piece of paper and then take the beating for them, will do you good. It certainly has a slight of humiliation to it (just about the amount that i could take! i'm a NON-humiliation slut :P)and it will probably be a bigger deterrent than the habitual spankings (yes i think they are becoming habitual).
What you suggested is tftb but it's all in the presentation hun ;) Wrap it up nicely at an appropriate time and suddenly it's a gift ;)
P.S. and you know I more or less have a feedback rule so it's not about withholding the information, again just about the presentation of it.
xxx
Love to ya gurly!
Forget you ever heard the term "Topping from the bottom" Sharing what you feel, think, what is working or not, is not topping but telling, sharing,communicating. If YOU think your new idea might work better, then discuss it with him!
ReplyDeleteFor me, personally, I don't think a once a week overview punishment would be very effective at all. If I misbehave, it is dealt with as ASAP. There is no group pf debts allowed to accrue. I think one spanking, however long, for multiple offences, would diminish the impact over all. Could that be the problem? Sara
I agree with findingsara. I don't see that sharing our feeling and thoughts with him is topping from the bottom at all. I think that its communication. Now topping from the bottom would be demanding he do this or saying it in a disrespectful way.
ReplyDeleteI also agree have you thought about talking to him about the once a week spanking? I know for me personally as well it needs to be dealt with asap and each infraction it's own punishment. The reason why I need that is because I need to wrap my head around the infraction and focus soley on that one thing so I can make a adjustment for one thing, instead of a few things at a time. Eh, it might be my ADHD LOL!!
BABYGIRL: True. Thank you. You have a way with words :)
ReplyDeleteABBY: Yeah, you'd think id get it by now wouldnt you? But I still worry. Ill try asking what he thinks about my idea ... thank you.
SG: I think it would help me - but im hesitant to delve into the realms of humiliation. I avoided using that word in my post. Its an uncomfortable concept for me. But one i think might help...ill talk with him about it before the weekend....luffs ya too chick xxx
SARA: As always your words make perfect sense to me, thank you. I still get the "there and then" spankings - only last Sunday I was dragged into the bathroom told to bend over the bath and i got the hairdryer cord for my sarcastic comments and attitude and not stopping when i was told to. AND it didnt matter that people were in the house and kids were about. So he is growing with great speed with his HOH role. He suggested teh book because he has a bad memory and wanted help to remember my infractions. I find it hard to remind him and ask for punishment. So it developed from there. I look at it like maintanence. If ive been bad he will punish me, if ive not written anything down then in theory i have been a good girl and just get a good girl or reminder spanking. So far ive written init every day!
LILGIRL: Yeah i do prefer the there and then spankings but often times its impractical. Then he has a bad memory so he later forgets. I struggle with reminding him and asking. I think my idea my work well in a lot of ways....it will be punishment alone to just say the words ive been bad, i know im being punished and im to get a spanking....arrgghhh i feel my stomach knotting just thinking about saying that out loud.
Awww, kiwigirl, you can do it! Just talk to him like you tell everyone on your blog and like you explain to me in our private e-mails:)!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sending good communication wishes to you.
Love,
Kitty
I agree with Sara as well - telling him what you need is not topping from the bottom. It's letting him know how you feel, think, what you need from him or yourself. Growth comes through open communication. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with them. Telling him what you want and need is just that--communication. You aren't insisting that he do it a particular way, and he would make sure you understood that he was going to make that decision, anyway. If it were me, I'd be thankful for any ideas how to get the kind of behavior I wanted.
ReplyDeleteI agree with baby girl. Ask him how he'd feel about a suggestion from you that would make you a better girl. I'm sure you'll get what you need.
I don't think there's anything at all wrong with telling him. Communication is everything in this kind of relationship.
ReplyDeleteI know that you and I have very different feelings about spankings. I hate them, even when I know that it is exactly what I need. I know you hate punishments in likely a similar way. Humm...don't know how to say this. What is your motivation to get the things done that you've committed to. Chores, exercise, attitudes? Are you too dependent on the correction to turn you around on those things? Spanking is such a negative consequence that it turns me around quickly but in the end, my motivation to continue to do well in tough areas has to come from within me. If my husband had to spank over and over again on the same issue (there are of course exceptions), he would become frustrated with me. So...I don't know...just am wondering what motivates you to get that stuff done. If you need a quick turner-arounder, should it be something very different from spanking--something that would get your attention, and quick!?
KITTY: Thank you honey :) easier said than done - you know me!! Im going to email him tomorrow though and try :)
ReplyDeleteCHRISTINA: You'd think id get that by now wouldnt you? Thank you :)
RICHPERSON: Thank you - perfect sense as always :)
SUSIE: You know me --- communication is not my greatest skill. Im gonna try tomorrow though. I think i still test him with consistency. He slacks off so i to automatically too. Im sure if he were consistently consisent i would be consistenly motivated. Something else i want to improve about myself. :) xx
I hate the term "topping from the bottom," first of all. Communicate your needs clearly and as often as you need to. There's nothing wrong with that.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I find that for me having to acknowledge why I'm getting spanked is really hard and gets in my head. If you think it'll work for you, give it a shot.
OK, I am going to clarify here.
ReplyDeleteI was the 'friend' here. I was by no way meaning that communicating your feelings is topping from the bottom! I think kiwi knows what i was referring to(?).
Communication is the key to all relationships and is extraordinarily important in ttwd.
But doing so has appropriate time and ways, wouldn't you agree?
The way something is presented can make a huge difference.
Topping from the bottom is manipulation -not a all what kiwi intended to do, but the method she talked about using (with me privately) would have been....an inappropriate way of communicating those wants and needs.
Personally I actually have sharing my thoughts as a rule, so again, NO i'm not saying that is tftb.
I do think Susie has a very valid point though! (this will be elaborated on in my reply to your email though).
Love, Sg
Hi Lea, SG i think it can be a fine line....and as SG says its about how its presented. I have no intention of trying to force him into doing anything, I just know me I guess. I know HOW difficult acknowleging my wrongdoing would be and HOW VERY HARD acknowledging that im going to be spanked for it will be. If i have to do that everytime i break a rule - it may just be the preventative I need. I guess this is the difficulty of being a spanko in a DD relationship.
ReplyDeleteI also feel that my hubby has a responsibilty to take it seriously - and that includes the lecture and telling off as well as the punishment itself. HE tends to focus on the punishment - being a man who enjoys spanking that reasonable I guess.
Im glad noone every said this journey was easy - id shoot em LOL.....its the hardest thing Ive ever tried to do. :)
thank you all for your support and advice.
love and hugs kiwi xxx
Dearest kiwigirliegirl,
ReplyDeleteWho knows you better than you? Nobody.
That being said, communication is key...the best way for your Dom to give you what you need/want, take care of you and have a well-balanced D/s existence is to let Him know everything. As the others mentioned, that does not mean He will go for everything you ask for or talk about, but just knowing them can have a profound effect on corrections/punishments...
Now then, if you are constantly being disobedient, you need to ask yourself why...are your needs/wants/desires more important than His?
Then, the correction is best when it fits the crime, so to speak...for example:
Him knowing everything you like is an opportunity to use that for OR against you...a correction could be taking away something you like, an orgasm for example (lol). SO, it really depends on what you are doing (or not doing), why you are doing (or not doing) it and finding ways to correct that directly relate to the issue, not just spank spank spank!
empower yourself and allow the relationship to evolve and you might find that it will deepen the participation and love of the whole thing :)
*hugs*
--kitten{SirW}
Kiwi I would like to give my 2 cents on this one. Just an observation: You always seem very preoccupied with the proceedings of you punishment and accountability. As if this is the main point, and if only this would go to perfection you would manage to avoid any mistakes in the future. I don't think this can be the case. I do agree that you may have the need for this ritual and for it to take place with in your expectations. But if you want to be good you need to also pay attention to things that go well. To give perspective. If you only get what is wring, how can you know what to do? You only know what not to do. Perhaps you do not need your hubby for this, but remember that everything that is not on the list of sins have been things you did well. Use that as inspiration.
ReplyDeleteKitten for sir, you make some very valid points - thank you :) im not sure to be honest so its something to work on. There is only thing that i consisently do (or not do) is my exercise - he has tried punishing and he has tried motivtion - it doesnt work. I think this is something i have to work on myself.
ReplyDeleteElder, thank you.
Maybe its time for alternative punishments ....