Sunshine after the rain

Thursday 22nd December 2011

Well, I decided after posting my post yesterday that yes in deed if there was ever a time to ask for a spanking then it was yesterday.

So I emailed my husband and this is what I said to him:

You have given me a little lee way this week with it being Christmas, I have had full access to finances to buy presents and food and it’s been great and I can feel the power. I don’t want to give it up.   But I have to, I know, but it's going to be a struggle and my attitude today was the start of it.   So I need you to be really strong RIGHT NOW and take me in hand tonight spank me for my attitude & for not listening to you and to make sure that I know full well that as at the end of the week my spending powers are back to normal.

Is that OK with you?

He totally agreed with me.  I got home from work and that was the first thing he said, simply “I agree with your email”.

So, indeed, I asked for it, it was given, I received it and I feel so much better.  It was the cold sharp shock that I needed.  It wasn’t long or drawn out, it wasn’t tender but it wasn’t harsh.  It was straight to business, hurt and he made his point.  I was spanked soundly with the paddle and the cane, lectured about my attitude and where it should be and told to go to bed.  The aftercare was amazing.  He was tender and loving and forgiving.  He held me in bed close to him in his strong arms for the longest time, just holding me stroking me until I calmed myself.  I apologized whole heartedly and he just kissed me gently and said its ok baby. 

He told me during the spanking that I am to be a good girl and quietly without any fuss or bother hand over the cash card tomorrow morning.

I did  this morning.

I still feel a few niggles over it this morning. It is so hard handing back the control.  I have enjoyed the power this week.  But that feeling is getting better.  I commented that perhaps I needed another spanking over the next day or so to just make sure my mindset is back where it should be.  He has no problem in obliging me.

My rainbow has finally come out, the sun is peeking from behind the black cloud and the skies are looking a tad brighter this morning.  My submissivness is slowly returning and I’m feeling less and less scared of DD once again.  What a good feeling that is.

Anyway, this will be my last post (probably) for 2011.  I just wanted to wish all my friends and readers and lurkers here in blogland a very safe and merry Christmas, a healthy and prosperous new year, I hope your families are happy and safe over the holidays and I will see you all back here mid January.

Take care love and best wishes Kiwi xxxxx

The Aftermath

Wednesday 21st December 2011

It’s crazy.  The punishment he gave me after the incident was probably really good timing.  It reconnected us and re-established the trust in each other – or so I thought.

But then, Sunday just gone was meant to be maintenance/punishment for a few things he had let slide (and thanks to my book, he was reminded) I sometime wonder why I still bother writing in my book when we are supposed to be practicing immediate consequences.  I couldn’t do it.  I fought and I argued and I hesitated and I fussed, I begged, I downright refused (which just doesn’t work he just got mad).  I slowly made my way around to the end of the bed and bent over but not without struggle.  One stroke of the cane and I jumped up and howled and just burst into tears. I sat down on the bed and sobbed I just couldn’t do it.  I didn’t want to do it.  He held on to me so tight and rocked me and shushed me and stroked my hair until I was calm again.  He put the implements away and said we were not going to do it.

I was so grateful and relieved.  We snuggled up in bed and then slowly the disappointment set it.  The regret, the doubt the knowledge that I was giving off such mixed signals.  I didn’t want to stop this. I really want to continue with DD – but I was scared to.   

So I spoke in a whisper to my husband and asked could we please try again tomorrow night and I promise not to wimp out.

Absolutely baby, anything you want is fine.

So Monday night came. 

I steeled myself, I’d made a promise I wouldn’t wimp out, both to hubby and to myself.  So I forced myself to bend over the bed.  Do you have any idea how hard that was?  I was shocked.  Here is me, a fully confessed spanko – completely dreading what was about to happen and not wanting it to happen at all and shock horror wanting to stop DD all together.  I didn’t even want to blog anymore.  But I don’t really want to stop at the same time.

And what happened.  Yes a spanking, not the longest I’ve had, certainly not the hardest by far, and I cried like a baby.  It was so hard to take.  He used the paddle first (at my request – because it kind of numbs after a while) and then the cane.  He read through my book and spanked me for each and every infraction.  By the time he got to Sunday I was a wreck and so he decided to turn it down a notch and back off and call it a night.  So he missed out Sunday’s.  Seems I had a bad week.

And now, this week I’ve slowly gone off the rails, ending up today not listening to him and causing him to get angry at me and hang up on me (well not quite hung up on me but he said he was hanging up because I wasn’t listening and I could ring back when I was prepared to listen).   I need him to spank me tonight after the way I talked to him on the telephone today.  I really need him to but I don’t want him to.   

He has given me a little lee way this week with it being Christmas, I have had full access to finances to buy presents and food and it’s been great.  He has had fun watching me.  I have still been careful but I can feel the power. I don’t want to relinquish it.  I have to, I know but its going to be a struggle and my attitude today was the start of it.  I can feel it and it’s because there is a chink the armour, I know I can fuss and cry and wimp out and he will back down on a spanking.  So I need him to be really strong RIGHT NOW and take me in hand tonight spank me for my attitude and to make sure I know full well that as at the end of the week my spending powers are back to normal.

I think maybe it’s because we are off track slightly here with DD.  I need it, I want it and yet I’m scared to death of it all at the same time all of a sudden.  I was never scared of DD until “the incident”.  I’m not scared of my husband, because he has demonstrated we can stop this anytime I want to.  But I am now scared of punishments.  I wish he would ring me or text me and tell me that is what is going to happen when I get home.  I don’t want to have to say to him that I need him to spank me.  But at the same time I don’t want him to either, but I know if he doesn’t my attitude will just get worse and worse and that is not going to bode well for a happy relationship and home. 

If there was ever a time to “ask” for a spanking, maybe this is it.

An Incident

 Friday 16th December 2011

We had an incident a week ago.  It’s taken me a long time to process it properly.  And for him too perhaps, but perhaps not.

Last Saturday evening we were having pleasant drinks with a friend, things were jovial, the weather was lovely and we were sat outside.  Eventually the friend left us and we continued a pleasant evening.  Pleasant that is until I got lippy – apparently – I say I was just kidding around – he said he didn’t care.  I got lippy and I told Sir to just shut up.  He reacted quickly and sharp and I didn’t see it coming.

The next thing I know is he has a handful of my hair in his hand, puling it hard, he has hold of my arm twisting it behind me and he propels me quickly into the bedroom, and pushes me face down on to the bed, where I expect to be spanked, hard.  But he didn’t.  He just leaned on me and severely told me off and to never ever talk to him that way again.

It shocked me so much I just sat and cried on the bed while he disappeared into the bathroom.  He came out a short while later and told me to get to bed.  I did.  I tried to stay away from him.  I was crying and I was on the farthest side of the bed possible.  I felt him reach out to me, and I avoided him so he grabbed my hair and pulled me closer to him, he wrapped his arms around me while I cried on his chest.  He kissed the top of my head, told me not to do it again, I simply nodded and we slept.

Sunday morning dawned bright and sunny but I didn’t feel it.  I was quiet and shy, keeping my head down low I guess.  He carried on as if nothing happened, and just mentioned passing me by that perhaps Ill now learn to keep my tongue in check.  I actually asked him why he didn’t spank me and he just said he didn’t need to and it’s entirely up to him if where when and how he punishes me.

Yes sir was how I responded.  There could be no other appropriate response.

We talked a bit later and he was quite proud of himself that he had responded immediately to behaviour of mine that he didn’t like and wanted stopped. 

The rest of the week until Wednesday morning has been strained, well to me it has, maybe not so much to him.  He had yet to punish me for last week’s infractions.  From Sunday he kept saying “tonight’s the night baby” I kept saying “yes sir” but nothing happened. 

I was frustrated, disappointed, scared, upset, and relieved, all at the same time.  I was a bundle of emotions and just not quite sure how to deal with what happened, the Saturday incident and then the lack of punishment during the week, which was coming but never did.  I spent two nights not sleeping, and working myself up.

Wednesday morning I broke down finally.  I sat on the edge of the bed and just cried and told him that I didn’t want to be scared of him that I didn’t sign up for that kind of punishment, and speaking of punishment if he didn’t want to do this anymore, then tell me, don’t just say its going to happen and then not do it.  I can’t handle it. 

He cuddled me and kissed me and reassured me that he would never ever hurt me. But he has no intention of stopping spanking me when I need it, that he will punish me how he sees fit, not as I dictate.

That night, he decided he had let it go too long, and I was punished for all my previous week’s infractions.  While he was stood there with the cane in his hand telling me to bend over the bed, he told me to bury my head in the pillow and take what was coming to me.  I did.  It hurt and I cried.  It was a relief.  The tears flowing freed all my emotions that were pent up.  I think he had been wary to spank me after Saturday, I was certainly wary of being spanked after Saturday.  But when it came, it was good, it reconnected us, it reset me, it reassured us both that this is what we want, it helps us.  After he had finished he just laid on top of me holding me until I stopped crying and then he made other emotions flow from me and it was amazing, it was the best.  I slept like a baby that night.

Then yesterday after dinner I needed to wrap a couple of presents, I couldn’t find the tape and got a bit – well frustrated.  He said if he had to get up and if he found it I would be in for the sorest arse ever.  This was said in front of the kids. 

Well he did find it.  I didn’t end up with the sorest arse but I did end up being walked into the bedroom, the door closed and locked a gentle hand pressing me down over the side of the bed and two hard swats with the paddle for not looking properly in the first place and just to prove a point that he means what he says.  Immediate consequences and if he says he is going to spank me then he will, regardless.

We walked out of the bedroom hand in hand and the kids didn’t even bat an eyelid, just carried on doing what they were doing.  But then, the kids are very used to seeing him swat me as I walk past, they are used to hearing him say Ill be in trouble, they are used t hearing him being the boss, he leader being in charge of all of us.  He does the flyby swats all the time nowadays, I think they understand the hierarchy in our family, dad is the leader, we follow.  They see the affection between us, the intimacy and tenderness, the love and respect and that can only be a good lesson for them.

I think, I hope, I pray that  we might just be back on track.

The Verdict

Friday 9th December 2011

I wish it was as cut and dried as a verdict in a John Grisham novel, but unfortunately its not.

I climbed on his lap after dinner last night and kissed him and asked him if he had read my email.  He said he had.  I asked him if we were clear then, was everything OK.  He said that it was, but the kind of thing we had been discussing was “outside of the game” “outside of our house”.  I held his face and looked him in the eye and said this whole discipline thing was not a game to me.  I need him to be the head, the boss if you like, to discuss stuff with me but have the final say in decisions.

I went on to say that if he didn’t want to live like this then please just tell me, its OK, this was my thing but if he was uncomfortable with it, we can go back to how we were.  He adamantly said no way, he likes this, he likes being in charge in the house, but just sometimes he will forget or say something like he did which he didn’t really mean.  He knows what it is I need and is happy to keep at it.

The conversation didn’t really go much further than that.   I really thought he would have given me a big punishment last night for that horrible Wednesday, but we went to bed and he didn’t.  What he did do was roll me over on to my stomach and spanked me a few times hard with his hand and told me off for and reminded me I have to listen to him, he also mentioned that I should be a big girl and make my own decisions, during his scolding.  I let this go but now it’s troubling me.

In any relationship, whether it’s a vanilla relationship or a domestic discipline relationship, decisions need to be made jointly, discussed, opinions voiced and heard and then a decision reached.  In my DD relationship, I would like to discuss an issue and then he have the last word.  Sometimes that will mean it will go my way, sometimes not.  If its not and I then go against his final decision to me that’s when the discipline comes into place.  Because I’m not the best one for making a good decision.  I don’t think things through properly.  I tend to make rash decisions.  So this would help me no end.  Learn to listen to him and not go against his final word, whether it be sometime to do with finances, or something as light hearted as whether I go and see his sister or not.

I mean for example, only 2 weeks ago I got the biggest spanking for paying a bill when he explicitly told me to wait until the end of the week.  OK, he told me not  to do something, I didn’t listen and did it anyway, I disobeyed him and then faced the consequences.  This is exactly how I want it to be.

But then yesterday he tells me it’s not his place to tell me what to do…….

Confusing and frustrating.

I was thinking about it this morning as we left the house, and he knew I was thinking something, he reads me so well, but I wouldn’t talk about it.  I will tonight though. 

Simply put, for me, my domestic discipline relationship means he is the leader and I am the follower, we discuss things that are important to our family, and hopefully make a joint decision, but when we can’t he has the final word.  Or he may be adamant about something and that’s just that.  I obey that word, if not then he disciplines me. 

It’s the same thing for the little things as well as the big important issues.  From whether I go out to lunch with my friends (which is hardly ever and he would never usually say no anyway but you know what I mean) or whether I get a car loan to buy a new car.  He gives the final yay or nay.  If I disobey then he steps up and disciplines me and I learn from it.

I am optimistic though.  My good friend PK thinks he is doing exactly what I have asked him for and being reasonable for not spanking me last night for Wednesday's horribly bad day.  I hope she is right.  I think because I was expecting a spanking last night, its thrown me a little that it didn't happen.  I like the immediate consequences, and perhaps I'm a little worried that this is the start of the fortnightly accountability again.  So I think another conversation is needed just to let him know and make sure I am clear in what I am saying - coz i know how convoluted I can get.

The jury is out

Thursday 8th December 2011

Nothing happened last night after I emailed Sir about my very bad behaviour yesterday morning.  He didn’t read it until today (I’ve just checked and he has read it) so the jury is out on that verdict and no doubt I will find out tonight when I get home.

As for shopping, yes, well, I went over the budget.  By my reckoning only $6, (better than last week).  By his reckoning I went over by $56 (56 swats is going to hurt he told me).  A slight misunderstanding between us here, he told me one amount but then said he changed it (yes I think I did hear him say the changed figure but sssshhhhh me thinks I’m taking advantage here) But, last night at bedtime he decided that as my rear end is still a little tender my punishment is postponed.   But  either way I deserve some form of punishment, for going over (either amount) and for taking advantage.  I shouldn’t be allowed to do that.  And on top of that my behaviour with Little Miss shouldn’t be ignored or to be gotten away with, I feel.

I mentioned this morning (before he read my email from yesterday) that I was surprised that he had allowed my behaviour.  He said I shouldn’t push him too much as things will just get worse for me, I won’t think its thrilling or exciting, it will just be painful for me.

In summary, Wednesday was a bad day for me all around.  I write everything down in my book and I have five entries which look pretty much like this:

Wednesday 7th December 2011

1.                  No exercise.

2.                  Very bad mood, with everyone for no reasons.

3.                  I argued with Little Miss and set a very poor example of how to behave, tit for tat arguing and pouring "petrol" on the fire, right at her level.

4.                  I broke the grocery budget (I say $6, you say $56)

5.                  I forgot to do the one thing Sir asked me to do.

So yes, well I guess the verdict is out on whether I get a punishment or not and looking at the list above, it will probably be a big one.

My post might be a little disjointed today, I’m feeling that way.  We had a discussion this morning which kind of left me reeling a little. 

There is something I want to do for Christmas and we are having discussions on it.  He hasn’t said no but he hasn’t said yes either, and he hasn’t said he needs time to think about it.  So I am going ahead and organising it.  He hesitated about it this morning when we were talking and so I directly asked him the question

“Are you specifically telling me I can’t do this?”

He replied

“It’s not my place to tell you what you can and can’t do” then he waved his cheery wave and drove off, leaving me to follow, slightly bewildered.  It left me pondering.  I need it to be his place to tell me what or what not to do when it comes to things affecting our family.  I need him to be the leader of our house, to be in charge, and to stop me from doing stupid things that might damage our family our relationship.  I thought he got this.  I thought he was with me on this.

So I got to work and I found I just had to get it off my chest.  This is the email I sent to Sir.

I've been pondering, and just want to be clear if that’s OK - I NEED it to be your place to tell me what I can and can’t do in things that affects us as a family.   I love the fact that you are the boss and in charge...I might fight against it sometimes, just to pull your leg but other times a little bit more seriously, but deep down I love it OK (and so do you I think).  So don’t stop.  Don’t stop being in charge of me, don’t stop the discipline, immediate consequences are the best - when we can - and when we cant you need to tell me it is going to happen at the next opportunity and be consistent with that.  Want to know how it makes me feel?  Loved, secure and protected.    So please don’t stop OK.  I think you are brilliant at it.  You are strict and it's frustrating at times but I do love it.  You also listen as well, and sometimes we do negotiate - so it’s not like I'm a doormat or anything like that.  Just when it counts you are the boss.  Just how I need it to be

So the jury is out on two verdicts.

One on whether or not I get punished for my very bad day yesterday (maybe I should just ask him to and be done with it so I can stop feeling guilty and move on)

But more importantly on whether he actually understand this need I have.  Just when I thought he had finally gotten it.  He said what he said.  I hope the email I sent provokes a conversation.  I added at the end of it that I emailed him because I just bloody well cant say it out loud.  I hope he reads it.  I don't know what to do.

Dear Sir

Wednesday 7th December 2011

Dear Sir,

I have a confession. 

What is that old saying?  Act like a child and be treated like one.  I acted very much like a child this morning and I feel quite ashamed of myself.  The more the day has gone on, the more I have calmed down and thought about it, and the more my face blushes with embarrassment.  Perhaps my rear end should be reddened to match?

First of all I was in a foul mood for no good reason, slamming about and snapping and shouting at everyone, including you.  I need to learn to either lose the bad mood before I get out of bed, or just not take it out on everyone around me.

Second, I reacted very badly to our Little Miss and her bad temper.  I really went down to her level in all the worst ways and I did not set a good example at all for her to learn from.  Her yelling at me telling me she hates me is no good reason for me to yell back at her saying I didn’t like her either.  Tit for tat arguing as we did “it was her” “no it was her”.  It was just not good and I am very well aware of how angry you were (at both of us) but very disappointed in me and how I reacted.  I should listen to you and leave her be when you tell me to.  I shouldn’t follow her to her room and spread “petrol” on the fire as I do. 

Little Miss is learning, she is growing and I should know better. 

Also, I know I didn’t get up for my exercise this morning and I know you said last night that I would be in for a severe spanking if I didn’t, as you are sick and tired of me saying I will and then I don’t and me not learning and so you want to teach me a hard lesson.  I was very cheeky about it – though not to your face – but I wrote in my accountability book that I didn’t get up for exercise but then I added that I knew I wouldn’t get a spanking for not doing it, so  hahahaha :P”

And it’s grocery night tonight too.  I will try my best, I promise.

I know I don’t deserve it but I hope you will be lenient with me.

Yours forever

Kiwi xxx

$30 speeding fine and bad attitude = very bad weekend.

Tuesday 6th December 2011

I have a very sore bottom as I sit and type this.  It’s now Tuesday and I was delivered my sore bottom on Sunday.  Oww!!!

He has gotten into his head lately to start counting swats and giving me a set number for a set infraction.  So now, if I overspend on the budget, by however many dollars that will equal the amount of spanks I get.  Owwww!!!  And therefore a speeding fine of $30 equated to 30 hard swats with the paddle, cane and two tails (his newest, deceptively evil, home made implement).

He didn’t punish me straight away.  In fact when I told him about it he seemed very nonchalant about it.  This was a bad sign it seems.  But I wrote it in my book anyway…as I always do like the good girl I know I can be (sometimes).  That was Friday.

Saturday he went hunting and left me to do my thing. Nice.

So there I was thinking I was in the clear.  I didn't intend to remind him about my book and weekly accountability. 

But it seems I have no need.  He remembers all on his own now.

Sunday, well Sunday was D-day for me.

We were out and about in the car and I asked him if I could have some cash for Monday that I needed to get some stuff that I needed.  He asked what I needed it for, and well it was for not so important stuff but I still wanted needed it.  I got told no, it could wait.  We have a sick animal, and Christmas is coming blah blah blah etc etc etc.

Well, for some reason I didn’t like being told NO.  And I pouted and sulked and I threatened and he didn’t like my attitude and told me there and then:

“Right, that’s it young lady, just you wait until we get home.”

I sputtered and stammered and then just sighed, resigned myself  and just looked out of the window.  Damn it.  Why can’t I learn to just zip it?

Once we got home, well, he had a cup of tea while I sit there my stomach in knots and then He told me to get in the bedroom.  I dragged my feet and he gently propelled me into the room.  He got down his three favourite implements, the paddle, the cane and the two tails.  I was told to undress and bend over the pillows on the bed.  But I wasn’t quick enough and it resulted in a swipe of the cane across the back of my legs and told to hurry up.  Owwwww that one hurt, but it made me move.

I got a good lecture about speeding fines and attitudes and learning to listen to him and 30 hard and fast swats later with the paddle, the cane and two tails, my bottom is burning red hot. I so hate the ones that come hard and fast they hurt so bad  I try so hard to stay in position, but a few times I jumped up and was told to get back down or more would be added.  When he stopped he helped me up and took me into his arms where I cried into his chest.  Once I had calmed down he stroked my hair.  He pulled me head back so I had to look at him.  For some reason I cannot look at him after a spanking.  He made me look at him, kissed me, told me he loved me and then asked was I going to listen from now on. 

“Yes sir” I whispered.

”Good” he said, and giving me one more hug he sat me down on the bed, told me to get dressed and come through.

But that wasn’t the end of it.  That night before we went to bed he decided I needed another reminder for the start of the coming week to be good, to follow the rules and to listen, so over the bed I went again for another volley of swats with the paddle, cane and two tails. 

I am so sore now.  Getting in and out of the car is hard, walking is hard, he managed to get right into my sit spot – and that two tails is deceptively wicked and evil. 

Last night, Monday, he wanted to inspect my bottom.  We were sat on the couch watching a movie together and he just pulled me over his lap to “inspect” his target zone.  He rubbed and stroked my sore patches  - and then …..

SMACK SMACK SMACK

“Naughty, naughty girl, behave from now on”

SMACK SMACK SMACK

“Owwwwwww yes sir, always sir”

“Good

Up you get”

I was pulled up, pulled in next to him with his arm tight around me, to watch the end of the movie.  And I just leaned in sighingcontentedly feeling safe loved and protected.

He is right there with me, in fact I sometimes thing he is now ahead of me in ttwd - I'm running to catch up to him.   He is leading and I am following...yes I may have a rebellion every now and then to being that submissive and obedient wife I want to be, but hey I'm human and make mistakes, but I know he is there to help me, correct me, catch me.