Struggling

Wednesday 26th October 2011

I’m struggling.  With DD and submission, with that poisonous thorn; with a lot of things.

I had my weekly accountability over the weekend.  It was meant to happen on Friday – he was all keen – even showed me his new implement  urggh.  It’s really great that he goes and finds new implements himself, no help from me.  But I talked him out of it.  I just didn’t want to.  I did get one or two swipes with it over the back of the couch but he was agreeable to putting it off until the next night.

Saturday came, and he said to me on the couch watching the funniest movie ever (“Paul”)  “tonight’s the night you know”

Urgh

Again I talked him out of it and persuaded him to wait until Sunday morning.  I was relieved that he could be persuaded to wait.

Sunday came. 

On the bed I found myself, face down, facing the consequences for my actions written down in black and white in my book – two weeks worth.  I didn’t get the telling off that I wanted but that’s my fault, I didn’t talk to him.  It wasn’t the right time.  I don’t want to be always asking for more.  I want to be happy with what we have.

But writing things in my book – as a friend of mine has said – is resulting in my spankings becoming habitual.  But that’s not such a bad thing.  Isn’t maintenance habitual?  But it made me think anyway.  Am I “finding” things to get spanked for?  What happened to the element of surprise – for want of a better term?  But then I am pretty well behaved – hence the idea of my book to set a routine, set a framework, set a habit, the idea of the book is that even if I’ve not written anything in it I still get a spanking just because, just as a reminder to be a good girl or else its far worse.    I try to use the book as a kind of maintenance, and also because he asked me to write it down because he forgets and we can’t always do the “there and then” spankings because of privacy issues.  I should be grateful that he wants me to write it down and he is using the book now.  I think it needs to flow better, the whole session.  I need him to read the book, lecture me about the things I’ve done.  I need to acknowledge why they were wrong – some of them I know are wrong but I need to acknowledge that I am about to be punished for them.    I don’t make anything up. If he tells me during the week I’ve been argumentative or disobedient – I write it down so we know at the end of the week or fortnight he needs to punish me for that.   It would be better to be punished there and then and have a weekly maintenance – I know this.  But this seems to work for him. 

Anyway, after it was over I felt kind of flat.  I felt chastised and I cried (always do – seems once the tap is turned on for the first time it doesn’t stop) and he comforted me but it was like oh OK we done now?  I guess he must have sensed my feelings because that afternoon he decided he wanted to give me some more.  I admit I was goading him a little about never being across his knee and that his swing isn’t as big when I am across his knee as to when I’m bent over the bed.  I was wrong.  I soon found myself across his knee and he used his hand, the paddle, the cane and his new implement (which is a branch from a plant in the garden – about the thickness of two thumbs narrowing down to its tip – he is such a keen gardener.  Yuk.

Well, I soon found out that over his knee does not suppress his swing at all!  He was very matter of fact about it and when he was finished, told me to get dressed and come to the living room to get on with our day.  All good, I’m happy with that.

Sunday night came.  We had some issues.  Or maybe I had some issued over the thorn, my insecurities, things were said and I was upset.  He took me to bed, told me to lie down and once again I found myself facing the paddle, but this time, he was quite serious, telling me off in no uncertain terms, actually making me answer him during the spanking – this was a first.  I was quietly sobbing, answering him, confirming that of course I know he loves me and that yes I was being silly.  Then I got a huge cuddle and all was OK once more.

But I was not allowed the next day to go with him on trip which would mean a meeting with the thorn.

I am so struggling with this.  I know I have to submit to his decision.  I know deep down its best.  But I’m struggling with my pride.  To me it shows thorn that thorn gets its own way thorn says jump and everyone says how high.  This sticks in my throat a little.  I want to jump up and down and demand that I go next time, regardless of the thorns protestations.  I’m supposed to be more important than the thorn.  But its hubby’s decision that I say behind.  I have to submit to this…and I’m struggling.  My sister in law is jumping up and down and calling me crazy for not making hubby take me with him.  My pride is screaming at me.

I had fun with the telephone last night though – this is really bad of me.  I’m on the phone – around the time that the thorn usually makes contact.  A text message came through from thorn with the usual demand to hang up the phone.  Twice this happened and then I just ignored the phone and let it ring.  And then this morning I left the thing off the hook.  Bad bad bad Kiwi – but I won’t be told by a horrible noxious weed what to do.  It will be written up in the book though.  I will be held accountable for it, whether it's there and then - or in two weeks time.  AND I know there is a reason why I need to be good and obey hubby's instructions and directions on this one....but still, I struggle with it.  

So I’m struggling.  With submission, with punishments, with everything.