Night Shift

YESTERDAY

Sir is starting night shift.

This is good.  But it’s also bad.

I'm worried about it. 

What is going to happen to our DD?

Will we have time to continue it?  Who is going to be there to help me stay focused and stay submissive.  How can I be submissive when he is not there?

I will be, once more, an independent woman.    Doesn't she look just like me?

I will be thrust into the leadership of our household in the hours he is not there.  The hours he will be home, will be spent sleeping.  So it's going to be me, in charge, the boss, making decisions for the kids, dealing with everything on my own while he is away working or upstairs sleeping. 

Oh there is something else to worry about! Sir is my referee with Little Miss.  We can have such cross words at times Little Miss and I.  He is so good at controlling the situation and hauling up both of us when we need it.  She to her room, and me, well that’s easy, across his knee.

I know what the right thing to do is but I am not sure I will be able to do it.  I know the right choices to make (but the wrong choices are always more fun) (yes I know temporarily).  I am going to have to be very honest about everything I do.  Confess to anything I know is wrong, write everything down in my book.  It can be hard to confess when you know that there is a spanking coming.

But I know me.   I am going to do a "Braveheart" and shout the words F RE E D O M.

I am going to revel in being in charge.  It's going to take me over and I will take full advantage and how on earth will I manage to give up that control when Sir is home and among the living (so to speak). 

Its hard enough as it is for me to be submissive, despite wanting to be.  Wanting to be and being able to be are two different things and takes a lot of hard work and guidance and support from Sir.

What about consequences, what about maintenance?  When will we find the time for that?  I know there will be consequences for my actions but immediate consequences work best for me I have found. 

DD is not a game to me.  It’s not foreplay to good sex.  It's very real to me.  It's not something I can put on hold while he works these shifts.  But I know I will very easily slip back into my old ways, take charge, make decisions, argue and do all the things I know he doesn't allow.  Things like letting the cats sleep on the bed with me, not drinking my yucky horrible milk every day, no exercise (hehehehe) leaving wet towels on the bed.  But not just the rules, it will be my attitude that changes.  Ill have that "you can't touch me" attitude.  I

I know when we decided to put maintenance on a fortnightly basis I went to pieces and it didn't work, I need weekly (as you will be able to see from my last couple of posts, a week of good behaviour, maintenance missed for a week and then bang, I'm out of control and heading into a very bad weekend and following week).  So I really need that regular weekly maintenance.  I probably need it daily to be honest.  Shh I didn't say that out loud.

I will have to try and keep my feet on the ground and remember I'm not really in charge, that Sir is still the boss, even though he is not here.  I am going to have to stop and think about my actions and decisions in his absence.  I have rules to follow, I know what they are, whether Sir is with me or not. 

This is going to be hard and I am not looking forward to it because I know I'm going to get carried away with it.    I am going to have to work very hard, and think about every decision, think about my actions, the consequences and is the end result the result that I want.

LAST NIGHT

Sir put up a big stop sign

I approached the subject of him not being around and me being in charge last night with quite an excited demeanour.  He very quickly abruptly brought me to a screeching halt and told me where I stand.

Basically, there is no way I am in charge, and not to think about it for one minute, that if Little Miss and I don't behave then we will be "dropped kicked, the pair of us" - charming huh - but I know what he means.  And that I have to remember he may not be here in body but certainly in spirit and mind and soul and the rules still apply and he will be asking and reading and watching and listening!!!!!

Whoa.  

                                      Exactly what I needed him to say to me, but ...(watch this space)

...and the good behaviour streak comes to an end...

...with a crash and a wallop (and a spanking and a thrashing and a caning and a paddling)

My good behaviour streak came to a crashing and painful halt on Friday evening I am afraid to report.
 
I don’t know what happened.  I think it's me (well, yes, of course it's me) If I behave myself for too long a period of time then I go a bit crazy, I get a bit daring, I get a bit stir crazy or a bit stupid, I just get reckless. 

It seems like the pressure builds in me

 and I just burst...like bubbles....

and then fireworks happen, only, not the nice fireworks but the boom bang of a nasty explosion...
 

And we all know the consequences of those don’t we?  One (or lots of ) these - a sore bottom - for many days in a row.

 

Friday night it started.  I got cheeky.  A major cheeky with attitude and Sir really does not tolerate attitude well.  He can tolerate a little bit of cheek...but attitude, not so much.  I ended up across his knee for 45 minutes.  No word of a lie.  45 minutes people.  Granted he didn’t spank me for the whole 45 minute period (

oh his poor hand - she says quietly sarcastically).  He would spank and then stop...but wouldn’t let me up...spank again harder, stop again, lecture, spank stop.  Sir decided that I could have a "time out" across his lap.  Never knowing when he would start again. 

Saturday morning.  Did I learn my lesson?  Don’t ask silly questions, of course I didn't.  I took umbrage at something he told me to do.  He decided that as we were alone this weekend, he would bring some implements down from the bedroom and have them within handy reach.  He grabbed the riding crop and two tails (that green plastic home made horrible thing I've told you about).  I was made to bend over the kitchen counter, pants pulled down and ...

whack   whack   whack   whack   whack
My behaviour did improve for the rest of the day I have to admit.

But then Sunday came.  I received another over the knee spanking just as a warning to behave and then it was time to collect Little Miss from thorn.

Oh dear.  

 

Sometimes I just think my ears are broken.

I was told to get back into the car when Thorn turned up at the meeting point.

Did I listen?

Well, yes I listened, of course I did, I clearly heard him say "OK get in the car now please".

Did I obey?

Well, no of course not.  I sat there.  Not saying or doing anything but still I disobeyed.  But in my defence, what could I do, Little Miss came running over to me wanting to show me her stuff and tell me what she had done that weekend.  (Thorn was not happy but didn’t say anything hehehehe)

We headed home.  Nothing was said about it.  All was good between us in the car going home, general happy conversation.

I thought I was in the clear.

I thought it was plain sailing.

Until we got home; oh yes plain sailing alright, straight up the stairs, bent over the desk and walloped hard with two tails, basically for not doing as I was told.  I had a ten minute time out over the desk afterwards then I was allowed to come back downstairs.

And then later that night...

Good. Old. Fashioned. Maintenance. 

Each wallop soundly given (and soundly taken as well I might add).  I stayed put and took it as best I could.  Surely I can get a little bit of credit for that?  Yes????  pwetty please with a cherry on the top?  And then it’s back to square one starting with a clean slate for Monday morning ....

Ha!  That didn’t work out at all for me either.  Well, Monday went well.  But that’s as far as I got with a clean slate.

Tuesday night I was bent over the desk and given the belt for the first time ever because I argued with Sir and he doesn’t allow arguing back to him, plus I didn’t do all of my chores on Tuesday morning (damn sometimes I just run out of time).  And then this morning, I left a wet towel on the bed (I swear it wasn’t deliberate) Sir really will not let this rule slide.  So once again I found myself bent over the desk in the bedroom and this time he gave me a thrashing with two tails.  I went to work with a very VERY sore behind this morning.

I need to pull myself together and just behave.  How hard can that actually be?  Does anyone else feel that sometimes no matter how hard we try our HOH will find something to pull us up on.

Oh well, another day tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

Can you believe it?

ALL WEEK

...THERE HAS BEEN NO.....

AND NO......

                               

 AND CERTAINLY NO....     
                   

OR

JUST

I MUST BE AN

Giving up control

I want you to take control of me, of us.  I want you to be the head of the house, make the rules for us, for me.  I want you to discipline me when I break those rules.

I want you to spank me.

I want you to spank me right now, no wait, how about tomorrow instead, maybe later tonight, or tomorrow, not tonight, can we wait until the weekend, or when the kids are not here.

I want you to lecture me first.

I want you to set me this rule that rule, but not that.

I want you to spank me every Sunday and call our just because day

How about you make me stand in the corner afterwards.

Tell me off more.  Say this to me. 

Hmmmm If i do this, he will spank me

Hmmmm if i have a bad attitude today he might spank me

Ow it hurts, don't do it like that, do it like this.

Start off slow and build up

I want more over the knee than over the side of the bed.

That's the wrong way, 

NO not like that like this. 

But I don't want to do that.  I want to do this. 

I don't like that rule. 

Why cant I argue (in a petulant voice)

I cant keep still, it hurts (in a whiny voice)


Looking back this is how I have been since I first suggested DD to my husband. 

It doesn't look (or sound) good does it.

Finally, thankfully I have seen that although I have asked him to take control, I have actually not let go of the reigns to allow him to do what I have asked of him.

He has been brilliant.  He has really taken to the idea of being the head of the house.  He even sets some rules of his own accord.  The more time goes on the better he is getting at it.  He loves it.  He loves being in charge, being protective of me.    Recently Ive started  a bad habit, if he asks something of me I'm getting into the habit of asking if D is asking me or is Sir telling me  - so that I am clear.

But thinking about this, there shouldn't be a distinction.  It should mean the same thing to me.  What he says, goes.

I have asked him to take control but I have not given up control.

It easy to say I'm going to give up the control.  To actually do it, its the hardest thing in the world.

But giving up the control is what I am trying very hard to do.  Just little things.  Staying in position, doing what I KNOW makes him happy, following our rules. 

But its also a scary thing.  Giving up control means that I don't mention the fact that he forgot maintenance last night.  Giving up control means that I don't remind him or ask him about it.  We have been doing this now long enough for him to "remember" about it.  Giving up control means that I don't get upset about it or mad about it or hurt about it.  Giving up control means that I accept it with grace and move on and wait.  Like the good submissive wife that I'm trying to be.

Submission

Submission.   Sometimes it’s the best thing in the world, it’s the easiest path in the world to follow, it gives me contentment and confidence.  It makes me feel loved and cared for and protected.

But sometimes, submission is a big pain the butt (pardon the pun).
 

Submission sometimes makes me grit my teeth so hard that I think my face is going to crack.
 

Submission sometimes has the rockiest road to follow and unfortunately not the nice pleasant rocky road we like.

I wish I could feel the good submission all of the time.  My world would be perfect.

Submission is sometimes really, really confusing.  I don’t know which way is up or down.

Like yesterday, for example.

Sir had rung me a couple of times yesterday and then proceeded to hang up on me because he was annoyed at my "attitude".  He then PROCLAIMED that from now on, each time he feels he has to hang up because of my attitude,  it results in a count of 5.  That means 5 strikes with whatever comes to his hand - and more often than not that means the cane.  He is very fond of the cane again lately. 

(He followed through and I got 10 strokes of the cane.  It hurt, I cried, I was sore, I was sorry and that's all I have to say about that!)
 When he pronounced this new rule, the 5 strokes for each time he hangs up the phone on me, I admit I was a little angry, more than a little confused and bewildered.

I had no idea what I had done wrong.

He explained before, During  and AFTER.
I didn’t give the kids enough pocket money - or at least I didn’t give them the amount he said to give them.  I gave them slightly less.  So basically I disobeyed him.
I had a bad attitude when I texted him and said “don’t expect an immediate response when next you text demanding I ring you”.

And I was argumentative.  He hates me being argumentative.

*Sigh*.  I suppose from that point of view, my attitude is a little "off".

It’s strange isn’t it, when in “that position” memory comes flooding back and I realize that perhaps Sir is right after all and that perhaps my attitude did need adjusting.

But still my argument still stands. 

Submission is not an easy road to travel.  One day is never the same as the next one.  But really, with submission, the only way is up.  When I get high handed and my attitude is a little off, and he puts me in that position, gets my submission back in place, then the only way is up.

But I still say, why can’t keeping attitude and emotions in check and following rules be simple?  The world would simply be a less painful place.

Help! A little perspective needed

I’m having a bad day.  I wanted to post something that I had pre-drafted a few weeks ago, about  something I have learnt about submission these last few months.  But I need to get this out instead.  And its not spanking related either.  But it’s dwelling on me and I need some perspective.  I am hoping you can help me get that perspective   You all know I have a thorn in my side that pricks and pokes now and then.  You all know that the thorn has offspring that are in my life because they are in my husband’s life, along with Little Miss who he had with the thorn.   You all know I have a child, well a young teenager anyway.     So this is one big complicated blended family.  It can work, I am sure.  I am more than happy to accept my husband’s step kids.  But it seems he isn’t prepared to accept my son as a step child.   This is killing me.   The other two have a nickname they call him.  They don’t call him dad as they have their own father, but they don’t call him by his name either.  When we got together he asked my son to call him by that nickname. Last night he said he didn’t want him to call him that name.  Just his normal name would be fine.   That killed me.   I feel like we have a huge problem.  My son can’t be treated differently from the others.  It’s not right and it’s not fair.  My husband wants me to accept these other two children that are not his, into our lives and I can do that  but he wants to treat my child differently.   I spent all last night thinking about this.  I don’t think my husband realises there was a problem.  We are making plans to move out of the area, closer to my parents.  But my son will probably want to stay here with his friends and his father and grown up siblings.  I’m trying  to convince him to come with me.  I would so love my husband to do the same but he doesn’t seem able to.  Its all negative “oh he wont come” or “he wants to stay with dad”.  I know it’s a distinct possibility, being the age he is and how settled he is in school.  But I need my husband to at least try to make an effort to convince him to come with us.    His other two step kids want to come with us and I have said if by some miracle the thorn and their father agree to it, I would agree to it; but I have just told him today  not at the replacement of my son.  If I don’t feel that we have both tried our best to convince him to come, there is no way in the world I will allow the thorn’s two children to come to us.   For me, the kids, all of them, have to be treated the same.  I don’t feel it’s fair that he treats my son differently or separately from the other two because he has known them longer.  Its all of them or none of them.   I’ve written an email to him about it this morning.  He has read it (I checked) but he not said anything at all.  I re-read the email just now and it seems a bit strong now.  I didn't make an out and out threat but its there, veiled.  I didn't say do this or else I'm leaving, but I did say there was no way in the world I would agree to the other two step children coming to live with us unless either my son is with us or I feel we both made the best effort possible to convince him to come.  I think that's fair.  I am not about to replace my son with the thorn's children - especially when they are not even my husband biological children.  Oh thinking it about it I did also say that if its that relationship he wants without my son, then he should go.  Oh dear.  He cant have a relationship with those other two children without my son...he is part of his life, I am part of his life, we are a package just like my husband and Little Miss is.  We cant have one without the other.   In my ideal world, we will move to the new area, the four of us, and the other two can come visit any time they want, even come live with us if that's how it turns out.  But I have to feel that both my husband and I have given it out best shot to convince my son to come with us.   My son has seen me go through 2 breakups.  Its no wonder he is withdrawn and shy about this relationship.  He needs stability, and reassurance, and security.  I know we can give him that.  And he could have the best of both worlds with his dad and his step dad as they are two very very different people.  But it seems my husband is not really that keen.   Perhaps I'm over thinking this.  A bad habit I have.  Perhaps I'm being over sensitive.  I don't know. Perhaps he didn't mean it how it came out.  Perhaps he was just saying if my son didn't want to call him the nickname then he doesn't have to.  Perhaps we will be OK I don't know.  It just feels as though he doesn't want another step child.  It feels like he encourages my son to stay here.  Perhaps.   OH and the spanking has stopped.  Suddenly without a word about it.  Lots of rules broken and stuff he says he is going to punish me for, but when it comes to it, it gets forgotten.  And I had thought we had so gotten over this obstacle.    So yeah, I'm feeling very out of sorts today, a bad day.  I am not used to having bad days.  I don't like this horrible unsettled feeling.  I just want to go home and have him hug me and tell me of course he wants my son as his step son, that everything will be OK and that he loves me and we will work it out.  And then to take me upstairs and spank the living daylights out of me for being so stupid and for not following his rules this week.