Tuesday 1st November 2011
I got into trouble this morning.
I did something which I knew was wrong and that I shouldn’t have done it really, but you know sometimes even though we know they are wrong, we just do them. I guess I got lucky. I deserve a major spanking for it. I didn’t get one – at least for now – that’s not to say he won’t later on as it has been written in my book anyway. I certainly got a telling off for it though and a serious warning that if I do it again I WILL BE chastised, that I was sailing very close to the wind and that I need to behave.
For a split-second I contemplated doing it again tomorrow morning - it took the next nano second to realize that even without a spanking I still got that accountability. I got the acknowledgement from him that what I did was wrong and would not be tolerated. It made me realize something.
It’s not all about spanking, it really isn’t. Duh!!! Finally! I think though there is a fine line when you are a spanko and sometimes those lines can get a bit blurred, especially when you are new to this lifestyle. It’s so easy to get caught up in the whole spanking thing. Everything else can get a bit lost. I freely admit that sometimes I might want it to be all about the spanking, sometimes I just want him to spank me for each and every little thing.
I got to thinking. Yes, I like spanking, but more importantly, I want discipline - rules and consequences and follow through and consistency. I need the acknowledgement and accountability. I do realize that it’s entirely up to him if he punishes me for breaking a rule or if I do something wrong and its for me to submit to that decision. But, at the very least, I need that acknowledgement that he knows I have broken a rule and that he is not pleased with me for that.
If he doesn’t acknowledge the fact that I have broken that rule or done something wrong and if he doesn’t show his displeasure then I feel that he doesn’t really care and I can’t cope with the feeling that he doesn’t care. I feel lost and alone. If that’s the case why are we doing this in the first place – and that’s when it can start to feel like a game. I don’t want it to be a game. That’s not my need. If I wanted it to be a game then I would have suggested role play.
He does send out mixed signals. One minute he is in full swing in the HOH mode, being the strong leader, being the disciplinarian I need him to be. It makes me feel confident, strong in myself, it makes me feel loved and protected and I follow with a proud and respectful heart and head held high. And then the next he is saying that this TTWD is all in my head….and I fall over…. ouch! But he is only human – the same as me.
It’s confusing and frustrating and is almost leading me into temptation to brat, because I know he has his limits, I know how far I can push and which buttons to push to get that spanking. I won’t do it though. I will be strong and I won’t brat. I won’t be defiant. I will continue to try to be good.
But I am struggling a little with the way things are working at the moment. As you all know we have this “two weekly accountability” thing going on and its not really working for me. By the time we get around to dealing with any infractions over the last two weeks, it’s kind of lost on me and discipline loses its effect. It then just feels like a sex game. I understand his need for the book and privacy. I really do. But in the past he has dealt with things when we haven’t had a completely child free home so I feel that there is no reason why he cant continue doing that when he feels a need to.
I have thought a lot over the last week about how it could work better. There are some things that can be left for the two weekly accountability. Things like my exercise rule. I have to exercise 3 times in a week. OK, by the time Friday comes and I still haven’t done it I should start to worry, but who is to say I wont get it all done Friday Saturday and Sunday – there, done 3 times in one week. So the exercise rule COULD wait until Sunday. The same as my weight loss rule. That can only be accounted for on weigh day whether it be a weekly or fortnightly weigh in.
There are some things that I need to be dealt with straight away. And I just need him to realize that. I will still continue to write things down in my book – continuously.
But I have finally realized that him dealing with something doesn’t always necessarily mean he spanks me. But when he does spank me then I need a full proper telling off to go with it first. It doesnt necessarily mean shouting and yelling at me, but that lecture - you know the one, followed by an acknowledgement from me that I know whats about to happen and that I deserve it.
I will find the time to talk to him and explain to him. The right time will present itself. In the meantime I will continue to try to be good and submit to his authority and I will try not to be scared that he will never spank me again - because at the heart of me that is my fear, that he will just continually set me rules, tell me what to do, tell me off when they get broken or I disobey or do something he doesnt like and never spank me again.
I can see how it would be really tough for you to take spanking out of the equation, but it's neat that he's still figuring out his role, even if he isn't doing it the way you picture. I think it must be very hard for men to find their way in this when they don't process it with others the way we do. Keep holding back on that temptation to brat, I know my hubby finds bratty confusing. I know you are trying to be patient and really understanding...you are doing well!
ReplyDeleteI am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. We went through this and when we finally worked through it, we came our stronger. It took alot of time, effort and talking. When it finally clicked for both of us, it became much easier and more natural. Good luck and keep looking at the positives, even though it's much easier said then done.
ReplyDeleteI am kinda confused by the date. Its Halloween today?
ReplyDeletePatience! It does take time; remember he's learning right along with you! And that's a good attitude! Keep it up, even when it gets hard! You can do it! :D
ReplyDelete@SAW: Kiwi's in New Zealand (it's one day later over there) :)
SAW: Yes, Halloween is today (31 October). But, of course, in NZ, it's already tomorrow (1 November). So, it was yesterday. I know that's confusing, but that's the International Date Line for you!
ReplyDeleteKiwi... bless your heart!! You are in the dark before the dawn right now... you will both come out stronger as a couple and individuals!! With each trial you have to go through with ttwd, you will both be more confident in what you are doing and who you are doing it for!!
ReplyDeleteKeep up the great attitude!! Submission is what you are going for, and if you can do it when it's hard, it'll be that much easier when it's going like you want it to! ((hugs))
I think you're moving in the right direction & I think patience will pay off! Sara
ReplyDeleteI wish I had something inspiring and supportive to say. But I don't really, other than to say is bratting going to get you the kind of attention you want, or do you just want any attention? Sometimes I just need to be the center of my guys attention and then I feel better. Provoking him can be very easy but usually doesn't end up being very satisfying. Sorry, guess I had more to say then I thought.
ReplyDeleteThe male gender, of which I am a member, are terrible communicators. My wife gets angry, she chats with her friends. Men go into their "caves" called work shops or offices and keep it inside. And, we have a hard time expressing how we feel. It comes from years of training and I think causes males to get ulcers from not expressing ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI have seen DD work very well, my best friends have practiced it for more than 30 years, but it is a challenge. J talks to my wife and confides in her, M finds a "man cave" and does not even talk to me other than to say how much he adores J.
Tell him you love him and want to better understand how he feels and ask him to talk about anything external to the both of you distracting him.
I sincerely hope this advice helps. Good luck kiwi.
Kiwi I think here you are confusing punishment with spanking. Spanking is not punishment and punishment is not spanking. In fact exactly what he should be doing is: Punishment equals abstinence of spanking.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, just admit you love spanking and treat is as an erotic, therapeutic or spiritual activity (What ever applies).
As you have read on melinda's blog: I spank her not to punish her but when she is in turmoil. I do not know what it really does to her, but the effect is as if it resets her. In any case it has a calming effect. If this is also with you then use that knowledge to your advantage and get spanking when you need it. And disconnect the spanking from the punishment.
By the way, spanking is noisy. a hair brush with the spiky side down not. And a cane or improvised cane, i.e. knitting needle not. Find out what you like and you have a low noise alternative to spanking. (Different diameters knitting needles feel different. Find out which one you like more)
kiwi are you sure he meant "And then the next he is saying that this TTWD is all in my head ", can it not be that he meant that all your insecurities and worries are in your head?
ReplyDeleteCould be Sweetgirl - i havent tried to talk to him about it since - but yeah you could have a point. :) xx
ReplyDelete