My plan of action.

OK, following on from my last post - and thanks to all my friends who offered their greatly appreciated words of wisdom - this is my plan.   We have a full weekend with no children and hopefully no visitors - I have specifically asked for at least tonight (Friday) to be just us two.

At the moment I am feeling so bad with myself for being so emotional for the last week and I feel let down by my hubby for not stepping up and being the man in charge of me that he so often says he is.  There is no excuse for my temper tantrums and he really should have taken me in hand.  If, when I demanded the cards back, he had said absolutely no way and to behave myself or else, I would have.  Straight away. 

He came to see me today at lunchtime and I said he has to get back into my good books.  He just laughed at me and threatened if I didn't behave he would wallop me....so mixed signals here!  Does he really want to discipline me or not???   Arrgghhh hair pulling time!

So my plan is this:

1.   Text or email and explain I feel bad about my behaviour and emotional outbursts.

2.   Explain that I need him to please punish me for them so that I can feel better

3.   Then I am going to ask that million dollar question "Do you really like to punish me for real or is it just   a sex game to you and you are only doing it because it makes me happy?"

4.   If he is serious about having authority over me and being head of the house and real discipline then I really need some rules to be set about behaviour and punishments for broken rules; and I have a lot of ideas about this, about privacy and about what I would like to change about myself and come to some sort of agreement as to what we expect from each other so that mistakes and misunderstandings are avoided.

5.  And then I am going to reiterate that a regular weekly "just because" spanking would be really beneficial to me and remind me to behave, have less of the emotional outbursts and it reminds me who is boss.

And if he honestly  isn't into the real discipline side of things and just into a the sexy side of spanking  then I  will learn to live with it.  I went for the last four years without anything to do with spanking at all, so I can make do with just sexy spankings :)  though it will be really hard now because instinctively I know this is in him.  He just needs some confidence that he is doing well and its not abuse and its really something i need him to do. 

Now if only I could just say this out loud to him.  I just wish it wasn't so hard for me to be able to discuss this issue with him.  Its important to me.  But right now, back to re-drafting my email and text message and I'm looking forward to a very red and sore bottom by the end of the weekend, a good conversation and perhaps some clearer path for us to follow.

Communication.

At first I thought I would name this blog Rule Setting, as to start off with it was going to be about setting rules.  Then about 10 sentances in I have gone back to the beginning, re-titled it communication because I think the essence of this blog is about the importance of communication - something I dont do vey well.  So back to where I started......I have had a number of punishment spankings now, mainly for the same infringement - money and the fact that I have tendancy to overspend.   I have had one maintenance spanking session, last Friday to be exact, which was difficult as we didnt have a lot of privacy (kids home) and he tried to make it about things I had done wrong.  And i dont think i had done too much wrong to be honest.  It didnt really work, but saying that I did enjoy the session and I got a lot out of it and it sure does curb those "cravings".   Although on the face of it, this  black mark system that he likes might sound appealing, in practice it doesnt really do it for me.  But I wont complain about it to him, no, I'll accept it, as its what he thinks is the best way to go about things until I commit some serious offence again.

Which starts me thinking about rule setting.  I would dearly love to sit down and discuss some rules with him about my behaviour that i want to change.  Temper tantrums are the main thing.  I have had one or two major emotional outburst this week.  Last Wednesday was the first one - which I blogged about - at the petrol station and the whole night was just horrible.  Then earlier this week he said something which really angered me and upset me.  I stomped about and slammed cupboards but didnt talk, until he followed me into the bedroom and asked me what on earth was the matter.  He pushed me down on the bed, leaned over me, explained the misunderstanding, kissed me and was on his way about his evening again.  Then another temper tantrum last night - grrrr exactly 7 days after the last one at the grocery store.  He was late meeting me at work and to cut a long story short, we ended up meeting at the grocery store.  I was livid.  I stommed around the car park, not speaking, I demanded back my credit cards and cash flow cards.  Which brings me to the crux of this blog.  He had taken those off me, withdrawing my privilages for spending money because i do go a little over board.  But he handed them straight back to me as meek as a lamb without any protest.  This is not what i wanted him to do.  I wanted him to just tell me to calm down and behave myself....or else! 
So how to ask about setting rules.  How does one approach this idea of setting rules for behaviour and the consequences.  I again (just call me the email queen) have drafted a long email pretty much saying what we do is really really great and thanking him for making me happy, but asking is he really ok with seriously punishing me for offences and if so, then can we set some rules please and if so i have lots of ideas.  Ive asked him to keep an open mind and read my very long email, taking as much time as he needs.
So now to communication.  I think he and I are at cross purposes.  I dont think i have clearly communicated by need to him, exactly what it is i am seeking.  A domestic discipline lifestyle, one in which rules are set for my behaviour with consequences for breaking those rules.  Where he is HOH and he leads me, cares for me protects me and loves me, and i submit to him.  That part neither of us has a problem with.  He loves being in charge, being the boss.  I love it.  I love submitting to him.  But i need him to step up when i fight against him, when i do something wrong, I once mentioned the term domestic discipline and he scoffed at me.  He said he loves to spank me perhaps its just because it makes me happy.  In my email i have  asked him the question is this something he does just because he knows it makes me happy.  Last night - he should have taken me in hand in the car park - just given me that warning settle down or else when we get home young lady type of thing.  I have mentioned that in the email too.

How,do you bring up the subject of setting rules.  And once the subject is brought up, surely its ok for me to suggest rules about things Id like to change about me? But im also scared of becomming obsessive again.  He sees an email from me and thinks "oh no here we go again" type of thing. 

I'm hoping for maintenance again tomorrow night - i have mentioned that i am in need.  So we will see what happens.  Perhaps then i should bring up the subject.  Its just so hard to talk about it. 
Communication is just so important.  I really should have done a lot more research into what this is all about and then approached him.  But i started off with the erotic side of things, and then i got all fumbled and embarrassed about the punishment side of things and now i find it so hard to bring the subject up.  Now i feel like i am back to square one.  But perhaps this is a good thing.  Start fresh, talk slowly and openly with him about my need and how i would like to see things and see what he says.  If he truly is ok with discipline, it really shouldnt be a problem.  We have a full weekend just to ourselves this weekend so this maybe just the right time, talk properly and clearly about my desire, and hopefully start the we way id love us to go on.  I sometimes think that i write down the things i long to say to him, that manytimes, that when finally i do find the courage to open my mouth and talk, its all gone because ive written out so many times before. 
 

Weight loss.

Just a real quick post ...I had my second weigh in at weight watchers last night and another loss on the scales.  Only small 200g which i think is about 1/4 lb but still the right direction on the scales.  Hubby was pleased but said it should be more.
I did have it in my mind to ask if he would be willing to spank me if i had a gain.  I hadnt mentioned anything to him as yet but im having sceond thoughts about that now.  When he said what he said, not in a mean way or anything, i was disappointed that i had disappointed him.  It made me determined to do better this coming week.  Perhaps that is a better motivation than spanking.
Anyway, hopefully you will see "less" of me this time next week.
Just wanted to share with you all :)

I'm sad - or should this title read bloody men - are they stupid or what?!

I had a burn out on Wednesday night.  Big time.  It was all in my head and probably really all my fault.  We went grocery shopping together after i had finished work.  This was after the conversation about a grocery budget (and could he please spank me if i went over it).  HE went over it big time.  But that's ok obviously because he is the boss.
We next stopped to get petrol for both of our cars (we were in two cars).  We used the same discount voucher, i put in my petrol to the amount we agreed, he then put in his.  But he went over by $1.50.  This apparenlty was my fault!  How?  Well, i didnt use the "set  amount" feature for the amount on the petrol machine first.  He yelled and told me off majorly.  I laughed - not nastily but i thought he was being a bit silly and going over the top, so i giggled a little behind my hand.  He was not impressed.  He got angry and said he was going home and then going out for the night.  This is what started it all.
I got home, we unpacked, had dinner he made some comment about everything being his (im a little oversensative about the words yours, mine and ours - long story for another blog).  He said i was pathetic and i just started to cry - and i didnt stop all night.  He tried to placate me but couldnt - all I wanted was a hug.  But i didnt get one.  He then had a bath - for three hours and during this time i discovered that one of his ex girlfriends wants to be all friendly and come for a visit.  This was the end of my world i thought he didnt want to be around me, keeping his options open and everything else in between.  Plus, we hadnt had sex in nearly a week so i was feeling very vulnerable and unloved (another long story about my history for another blog) I ended up going to bed alone while he was still in the bath.  But could i leave it, no, of course not.  I got up out of bed angry and barged into the bathroom and demanded was he coming out some time soon.  He just laughed at me.  He joined me in bed and i was still crying - i have no idea why.  I lay there for a time and then got up for a while - he hates this.  I came back to bed, and tossed and turned and then just bolted upright and said that that was it, i cant cope with two ex's in his life (the current one is different - she is the mother of his daughter) but the other ex - no way.  It was either her or me.  He said I was being a dork and of course it was me.  All i wanted was a hug.  How hard is that?  Obviously too hard. 
I got up the next day, my face looked as thought i had gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson.  I was swollen and blotchy and red.  I decided that there was no way i could go into work at least for the morning.  I was making tea, i saw him in the window behind me but he didnt come and give me a hug.  This hurt. 

I went into the bathroom and I asked him then when did he want me to move out.  That shook him.  He came straight  into the bathroom and gave me the most affectionate hug ever.  It was the best hug i have ever had.  I felt loved and cherished and wanted and protected and that he would never let me go.  I felt so much better.  He told me that he was my caregiver for the rest of my life and i was going nowhere now or ever. 

WE had a lovely morning, we made love, he threatened to spank me there and then - but he didnt.  He said it would be happening on Friday night.

I went to work in the afternoon after my eyes and come down a little bit.  I got home and he was in such a terrible mood again, making sarcastic comments about not having baths anymore because its not worth the agro :( .  He had deactived his facebook account so that his ex girlfriend couldnt bein touch - i didnt ask him to do this.  no fair Mr. Boss.  No fair - I already apologised for my behaviour and getting all upset over nothing.

And then this morning i asked him would i be getting my spanking tonight as planned.  I really need it.  Its been a week since the last one - well almost a week - i need a hard spanking.  He told me to settle down it will happen but he is the boss and will spank me when he feels like it!!!  I thought we had this figured out already!  Did he really take in my email and request for a weekly spanking just because.

Was it my fault to begin with?  Did i give him mixed signals.  I want him to be the boss to tell me off and punish me when need be, however he deems appropriate.  He told me off over the petrol (albeit unfairly i believe) and I fought it.  I argued against it.  I protested instead of accepting it.   This is giving him mixed signals.

Now, its Friday, almost time to go home and im not overly sure i want to.  What kind of mood will he be in?  Do i want to talk some more about Wednesday - sure of course, i want to chew the fat for ages after spats.  Do i want to talk about spanking and DD with him - oh absolutely, always, until i feel confident that he clearly knows what i want - and is willing to give it.  Am i obsessing - absolutely without a doubt.  DO i need to calm down - that's for sure.  What will I do if he doesnt spank me - get shitty and upset - probably - or perhaps i should just withdraw and be inward - see if he notices something is wrong.  Should i talk openly - 100% yes i should -  but will Italk openly and honestly about it -  100% nah not a chance.   I just want assurance that he hears me and will follow through.  He has said often enough he loves to spank me, so what is the problem? 

The Email - The Result.

Well, I got home and he was cooking dinner and had a glass of wine waiting for me (I love this man so much)  but he said i could have only one glass as I was on weight watchers, so strict! He hadnt read his email by then, so as I promised myself, i didnt mention it.
We had dinner, i was doing dishes and pottering about as we wives do and he was sat at the computer.  It took me a while to realise what he was doing.  Reading my email.  I blushed.  I actually blushed and got nervour and embarrassed and started twittering about.
He sat there reading - and smiling.  He closed the computer, came up behind me and gave me a hard swat on the backside.
Then he ran me a bath, let me have a hot bath with another glass of wine and watched my tv programme.  We went to bed and then he started talking.  Yes no problem he will give me a spanking during the week just because - a tickle spanking he called it.  Whatever makes him happy :) makes me happy.  He warned me that he will get very vocal with me when i need a telling off, rest assured.  He told me he has no problem with that whatsoever.  He has no problem with punishment spankings when i need them, there will be follow through, no empty threats, and the black mark system hasn't stopped he just feels that I have no need to see it - he will make me account for them every week.
So what did i do????  I got cheeky and sassy and disobedient - which resulted in me having 5 black marks  in one fell swoop - because i had forgotten to close the gate when i got home and now i had to get out of bed to go close it - I took my time and made him ask me a number of times to get out of bed and close it, so just to annoy him because he wouldnt do it for me i switched the light on in the bedroom LOL....i wont be laughing at the end of teh week.
So, yes, it was a very good result, not at all as i expected.  I thought he would be irritated with me for going on about it all again.  And as we left for work this morning, i got another black mark - not sure for what LOL but as he drove away out of the window he was licking his finger and marking the air with another black mark.  Oops!
I think, when this man finally gets into the swing of things, he is going to be in his element and he is going to realize he was born to do this and I may, just may decide that  the phrase "be careful what you wish for" will be my epitaph!
But on saying that i have to admit i am feeling very secure and content at the moment. 

The Email.

I am so bad,  I have done very little work here at work today - just  reading and blogging and researching.  I deserve a spanking just for that alone LOL (but im not admitting to anything).  This is just a little update and now its time to sit back, try to relax,  not say a word and see what happens.  I sent the email, asking for maintenance spankings, once a week.  A confession - I lost count of the times  i sent this email, then hacked into his email account deleted it and started again.  This must be the 10th attempt - this is what it said:

"I've been thinking about what we talked about in bed last night - would you please spank me regularly once a week "just because".  It meets my needs for you to be dominant over me UNTIL I do something really wrong that deserves a real punishment spanking, I like it and it makes me feel happy and secure, I love that feeling and it does help keep me in line.    Like a warning behave or else!   

THEN when I  do step out of line or do something wrong (like the smoke alam, over spending on the budget, credit cards, not doing as im told, keeping stuff a secret, not paying bills on time) things like that....you punish me properly and severely like Sunday (I NEED MORE TELLING OFF THOUGH) - and no empty threats!   I honestly woudn't deliberately do something wrong just to be spanked - that makes it a game.  They hurt!  Its  about the dominance and submission, after a punishment the issue is dealt with, forgiven and forgotten.  It might make me feel very nervous and scared before hand but I feel very respectful, happy, secure and settled afterward.    I love that you are in charge of me.   

It gets my attention when you tell me off, when you give me that warning look over your glasses, the black mark system you have going - but that needs follow through to be effective  - it all makes me think uh-oh I'd better watch my step.

Hope you understand - and I promise no more talk about it unless you want to talk more.  BUT I reserve the right to ask for a spanking still  Love you heaps xxxxx"

So i guess that will be my final word to him on the subject - hahaha who am I kidding - i know me.  It wont be my final word.  I just hope he reads it properly.  I am not going to ask, nor say a word, if he checks his email when I am home then i will vacate the lounge and busy myself with housework or chores or disappear into a very hot bath and submerge myself when he comes in to scowl at me because I'm "going on" about it.

A celebration

This is completely unrelated but i just wanted to celebrate.  In my first week of weight watchers I lost 2.2lbs :) am so proud - just another 40lbs to go.  Unfortunately, something that was pointed out to me last night when i got home....if i lose too much weight i wont have much padding left on my behind to protect me!!  Didnt think about that one!  LOL. 

Should I, shouldn't I?

OK.  I need a show of hands.  Following last night's punishment spanking  I am craving more regular punishment spankings.   Am I crazy or what!!! And having found the courage on Friday night to actually "talk" a little and say some of the horrid little words out loud (spanking, punishment, over your knee etc) I am feeling quite brave.  I dont do a lot of things wrong, but there are one or two things I could certainly "work" on.  One in particuarly is my spending habits.  I really need to stick to a budget.

So I had a thought.  Ok, how would he feel if I asked him to spank me the night before i go grocery shopping, nothing serious, just a quick over his knee hand spanking as a reminder that I need to stay within budget.  Then he sets my budget for the week.  I go shopping the next day.  All is great and well with the world if I stay within budget.  However, if I dont, then he punishes me with a hard spanking and a telling off.

So, all in favour of me asking him outright how he would feel doing this for me, say aye.

All in favour of me staying quiet and not saying a word about it ......mmmmmm on second thoughts that's not going to work for me.

So ok, i have one option only.  I need to ask him to spank me on a more regular basis - hence this budgeting stategy.  Do i ask outright or email him.  I have a draft email ready to go....which goes something like this.... (see talking out loud doestn really work for me either - im such a chicken)

Hey baby,

About last night - thank you.  It’s really hard for me to ask you to do that but I feel so much better.    I could have done with you telling me off a bit more though. 

How would you feel if I asked you to punish me like that on a more regular basis?

I don’t do much wrong so maybe we could set some rules.  BUT one thing I really need to work on - spending money - I think you'd agree.  SO …  I was wondering if you would be ok with giving me a little spanking the night before I go grocery shopping – nothing too serious – just  over your knee  – a warning to remind me to stick to my budget that you will then set for me.  If I stick to the budget - great.  If not then you punish me with a much harder spanking and a telling off.

Ok my bloggy friends - should I or shouldn't I?  Emil or Talk? I need some of your wordly wisdoms :)

My punishment

Well, I did it.  I am damned proud of myself.  I didnt write him a note or text him or used email.  I talked.  I found the courage on Friday night in bed (so I couldnt see his face - guess I was trying to hide - gotta work on that) while snuggling to ask him to punish me for the Thursday night event.  He was more than keen.  His voice got very stern.  He rolled into me and nudged me once or twice and said absolutely.

Then nothing happened.  This is my fear.  No follow through.  Unfortunately a friend turned up late on Friday night and decided to stay the whole weekend.  Which was great.  Saturday came and went.  I asked him again (gosh I'm getting braver by the day) on Saturday night would i still be getting punished on Sunday after his friend had gone.  Oh yes absolutely was the answer.  Ok then.  I settled down for sleep - not so much with a smile on my face because i know what was coming - but with the knowledge that soon i would be feeling better.

Sunday morning we made love and he gave me a couple of swipes with the cane - the position was just right so it didnt hurt - but more kinky sexy.  Afterward I asked him if my punishment would be severe.  Oh yes he said.  It would be a tough one.  "Gulp"  But the friend stayed for the longest time.  I thought he would never leave.  Then we had to go off and see other friends.  I was so disappointed.  I actually got very grumpy and scowled a lot i was later told.  He headed for a quick shower before we left the house and as he turned to go into the bathroom I was told that tonight he would not playing any games  it would be severe punishment.  Yikes.  I had to remind myself that i actually asked for this. 

Sunday night came and children tugged up into bed.  I was getting more and more nervous - that butterfly slightly sickly feeling in my stomache.   I took the cane down and layed it on the bed (hint hint) and then put it away again.  I didnt want to bring up the subject again, but i was scared in case he had forgotten or changed his mind.  My biggest fear is no follow through.  It makes me feel so dejected.  Anyway.  I need'nt have worried.  I climbed into bed and he stood at the end of the bed and told me to get out - reluctantly I dragged my very unwilling feet to the end of the bed.  He took all the implements we have - the bath brush, the cane, the studded strap and he added another one - his belt.  He bent me forward over the bed and said he would start off lightly with the belt and then he proceeded to use every implement he has in his arsenal.   At first i was surprised, I didnt think i was going to cry but i did.  I got to that point quite quickly in fact.    Even though he used the cane and that hurts so much, its not the pain that made me cry.  Its the head space, the emotion, the guilt being let go I think

I tried so hard to stay in position.  I really wanted to stay in position and not wriggle and move around.  I dont think i did too bad a job of staying there but he had to tie my panties around my ankles to stop me from moving.  Nice touch i thought afterward! 

I feel so much better, that guilty knot in my stomache has gone.  But I couldnt look him in the eye, which was a first.  I said I was so sorry and that from now on if he wanted me to get batteries, i wouldnt hesitate.   And then i just knelt on the bed, head in my hands, not making eye contact, sobbing, my nose running, completely submissive, completely contrite and forgiven. 

He walked past me this morning and gave me a swat and a squeeze knowing full well i was sore and then said to me that will teach me.  Well, you would think so wouldnt you - but knowing me?  Watch this space LOL.

I dont like punishment.  I like my sexy spankings.  But punishment hurts.  So why do i crave it?  Why now am i considering asking him to punish spank me on a regular basis.  I dont do much wrong to warrant a punishment, but one thing i do need to work on and that is to keep within my grocery budget.  I love the fact that he is in charge of me, and that i have to face consequences - even if i do have to ask still.  I think i need the boundaries, having to face consequences.  Maybe a time will come where i dont have to ask, that he will just punish me for something i have done that HE CONSIDERS is wrong. 

Should I be punished for my actions...

Wow, what a title for my very first blog.  I hope all my blog friends out there can help me with some advice and their thoughts.  I have stuffed up majorly this week, and the worst last night. 
My question, is should I be punished?  Hubby doesn't appear to think I should be.  HE has not said anything at all either way, but I feel I need to be.
It started at the beginning of the week when I borrowed money out of my son's pocket money account - I didn't tell hubby and then I had to repay it yesterday and its a short week for us this week pay wise- so HE of course found out and was mad at me.  HE did say then that I would be punished for that later at some point this week.  It's not yet happened.

Then I took the cash card out of his wallet without telling him, because  I needed it, not really thinking he would need it or was planning on going anywhere,   HE in fact did need it - and didn't have it on him.  Oops!

Then last night we almost had a fire in the house - thankfully the smell of burning woke me up and we got it under control very quickly with very little damage and injury.  But because I hadn't bought new batteries for the smoke alarm - it didn't go off.  I keep forgetting to get batteries or I just keep putting it off until  "next week". 

I feel so guilty and sick at the thought of what could have happened.  I am very thankful for the guardian angel that must have been sleeping on my shoulder last night that woke me up in time. 
I don't want to be punished, but I feel that I really deserve it.  If he doesn't mention it should I tell him how I feel?  Should I tell him that I should be punished?   I don't want him to think this is about sex.  Spankings usually turn us both on whatever the reason for the spanking,  so he is very likely to think this is about sex.  It couldn't be further away from the truth.  It's got nothing to do with it.  I don't often do things that are seriously bad.  I think this was really bad on my part.  Just my lack of thinking and complacency could have had deadly consequences. 
What should I do?

testing one two three testing

This is my very first blog.  So it has nothing to do with spanking or domestic discipline - this is just a little test to myself to see if it works because i am not so computer literate - very frustrating.  So heregoes and wish me luck.....