Contrition

Last night, for the first time, my HOH stepped up and punished me for an infraction there and then.  He didn’t make me wait a day or a week or never.  My grocery budget – boy did I blow it big time. But it was not deliberate.  I did not buy anything we didn’t actually need.  It’s such a hard task, such a hard rule to follow

He didn’t ask me about it until we were in bed and I made such a fuss over telling him how much it was, I just couldn’t say it out loud.  I finally whispered it and he immediately jumped out of bed, snapped on the light, locked the bedroom door, made me lay on the bed and proceeded to whip my butt with the cane all the while telling me off for not listening for not trying.

Now although throughout the spanking I was saying I was sorry, I didn’t actually feel contrite. It hurt and he showed me no mercy and I just wanted it over.  It wasn’t long, probably about 10 lashes all together, so I didn’t get to that submissive point – where I relax into it and feel sorry for what I had done.   When it was over, I lay there sobbing at the end of the bed.  I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t look at him; I didn’t want the usual cuddles and hugs – not straight away anyway.  We did finally though and it was better.  He told me I was forgiven and that next week I have to try harder.  I think I may have told him that I never want to go shopping ever again!

I think part of it was I was shocked, I didn’t expect it to happen that night.  In fact I probably didn’t expect it to happen at all given past experience.  It also hurt like hell, he was mad at me and he didn’t hold back, he showed me no mercy whatsoever. 

So I wake up this morning,  very sore and feeling very sorry for myself, but mostly very contrite for my actions.  I don’t want to do it again.  I want to stick to the budget, albeit it’s hard.   This morning is when I felt very submissive, when I felt I could go to him and properly apologize with my whole heart for overspending.  I did this.  He hugged me.  I said I would try harder.  He said I was not getting the cash card back at all.  So I guess next week either he does the shopping or he comes with me. 

Feeling sorry comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes.  I just wish it had come last night after the punishment rather than this morning.  I  want to submit to punishment gracefully,  stay in position and not wriggle and move about and complain.    

Serious Trouble with a capital T.

Oh my Lord, I think I might be in some serious trouble very shortly.  I think after the weekend I may not be sitting too comfortably for a long time.

Do you remember I blogged about ordering a wooden paddle from Cane_iac???  And the receipt went to his email by mistake arrgghh - he said he was going to punish me with it for ordering it - well we got an email to say its on its way. 

What I didn't confess to as I just didn't have the nerve, at the same time I ordered the paddle, I ordered another book (in my defense the last book I ordered on Domestic Discipline was really not what I was looking for) so anyway, I ordered another book called Domestic Discipline and I think this one will fit the bill - is that a good defense?  I think so.  But probably not.

Arrrgghh, I received notification today that it is being shipped today and will arrive at destination tomorrow.

Plus, I still haven't been punished for my rule breaking over the weekend AND its grocery shopping tonight and I have a budget rule which I can never stick to because I think its unreasonable AND I haven't even done any exercise which is a rule - 3 times a week - and now its Wednesday - and I have until Saturday to get 3 lots of exercise in. 

And then this morning, he discovered I had stashed some cash away at work for lunch instead of making my own.  The muscles in his jaw were twitching he was that mad.  He keeps tight control of the finances you see and well, although its not a written rule as such its an understanding we have.  He gave me that look over his glasses, the raised eyebrow and then the muscles started twitching. 

I think we have a weekend on our own this coming weekend and I think I may be in for some serious punishment.

Those Hail Mary's he promised I would be saying not so long ago, I'm saying them now :( the butterflies have started in my stomach already.

This all looks like Ive done this deliberately but I honestly haven't.  This is just fate conspiring against me. 

Do you think if I run away it will save me?????????????? 

To spank or not to spank - to ask or not to ask

OK, well what a first weekend in this thing we do.  I am going to call it our first weekend, although we have been doing it for a few weeks now.  This weekend felt like the start of the beginning.  We have a set of rules, he is stepping up big time, not just in the spanking but in all other ways of being in charge, making decisions, deciding what implements he will use for what wrong doing, for example the cane for me seriously getting in to trouble for doing something that seriously angers him, whereas the paddle and the strap will be for slightly lesser infractions, not letting me get away with things, he even told me off severely for something, and it made me blush like a child.  I did feel really well and truly chastised. 

I broke one of my new rules, twice over the weekend.  Once in bed, I am not allowed out of it, especially for sulking and being moody.  I got upset over something and if I go to bed upset, I cant sleep.    I got up Friday night and sulked and pouted and cried a little until I was yelled at to get my arse right back into bed.  I did.  Saturday I was fully expecting to be punished but fortunately or unfortunately he never got the chance.  At some point in the car on Saturday afternoon while he was severely reprimanding me over something else he told me I was so going to get it that evening.  However, our daughter came home a day earlier than expected so it was put on hold. 

Saturday night I did the exact same thing over the exact same thing.  He told me he wasn't going to deal with me there and then it could wait.  This issue is not going to change so i am just going to have to get used to it.  But he told me last night (Sunday) in bed that I am now going to get 5 lashes of the cane instead of the 3 he was going to give.  Now I know the number 5 is only a little number, but it wont be light lashes, they will be severe and they will hurt badly and I so hate the cane and so I am dreading it, it is hanging over my head, I want it over and done.  We had friends over yesterday afternoon and they stayed really late and so we were tired when we went to bed, so after he flexed the cane in front of me and telling me I am now going to get 5 he put it away again.

So I have no idea when to expect it.  I am going to ask to have it done tonight so its out of the way and over with. 

He knows he I need the consistency and the follow through.  We do however have two children.  The one upstairs with us once asleep will be sound asleep.  The other one downstairs is slightly older and so I think hubby is afraid that he will hear us.  I don't think he will, our bedrooms are not directly over each other.  We can always put the TV on too.  He has punished me before when the kids have been home and I know I just have to make sure I am quiet.  Bury my head in a pillow or bite on something. 

How does everyone else deal with punishments when privacy is an issue?   

Rules.

Rules, I have rules and I want to celebrate.

This is so good.

We talked properly last night.  Finally.  I don’t know what I have been so worried about.  I have wasted all this time and he just sat and talked to me normally.  He isn’t put off by it all; he isn’t overwhelmed by it all.  He is more than OK with being my HOH and in charge of me.  I feel so much more relaxed and confident now.

He admitted he didn’t really have any rules that he had thought about because he is not used to this and asked what did I want to have rules about.  So we talked about my ideas and he thought they were really good rules that he wanted to enforce.  So here they are:

• Dishonesty – I’m not a dishonest person but I have a tendency to not tell the full truth, or just not tell him something he really should know about. 

• Disrespect – no harsh words in an argument, no sarcasm or “whatever's” or throwing things or swearing etc, and never undermine his authority with the kids in front of the kids. 

• NO temper tantrums or sulky moody behaviour – like getting out of bed in the middle of the night when something is upsetting me, tantrums demanding back cash cards and the like, or being sulky when he comes home late.

• NO using the credit card without permission.

• Exercise – I must do my step 3 times a week unless there is a valid reason for me not doing it – sickness or injury.  I guess I will discover what I hate most – exercise or the cane!

• Grocery Budget dont go over it. 

In turn I explained to him exactly what I need from him which is this:

Consistency – punish me there and then if possible or that same day or as soon as practicable when I have broken a rule.    

Tell me off properly before and during the punishment

If he threatens that I am going to get a spanking, then follow through, make sure I do get that spanking.

When out in public don’t be afraid to issue a warning to behave or else.

Enforce the rules – be strict with me.  If I break a rule, punish me for it.

Don’t let me talk my way out of a punishment or refuse one.  Use force if he needs to, force me into position, force me to stay in position.  My goal is to submit fully and place myself in position and to stay in position.  A work in progress.  Sometimes I have managed it, other times I struggle with it.

Add to the rules anytime that he wants to. 

I know we will have ups and down.  I know he will forget at times, and I know that I am going to have to remind him and asked to be punished.  I have done it before and it was hard, a struggle and I thought it defeated the object, but it really doesn’t.  He is forgetful and he has asked me to help him by reminding him if I have broken a rule – he will know that – but he will forget to punish me for it.  So, I will have to remind him.  This is where the rule of honesty comes in doesn’t it? 

But I know I can now talk to him openly about it.  Talking is getting easier and easier.  And that is such a great thing.  There is nothing left to hide.  He knows it all now, I don’t need to be embarrassed anymore, it hasn’t phased him, he isn’t overwhelmed with it all and it hasn’t put him off me – he still loves me,  so talking really shouldn’t be an issue for me anymore.

I love this level of intimacy we have now.  This is “us”,  me and him, it’s what we do for us for our relationship and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Stepping Up

I am speechless, well maybe not quite,  but shocked certainly, in a pleasant way.  My HOH has suddenly decided to step it up.

I had major discipline on Sunday evening, one which he fully described was going to happen, he made me wait and watch as he got ready, he put me in place, held me in place, punished me soundly and then loved and cared for me afterward.  All that being said, I felt it didn't really make me sorry for the things I was being punished for.  For three weeks or so I have been waiting for this punishment, by that time, I was emotionally wrung out, angry and frustrated.  So although the punishment was severe, it took care of my anger and frustration, it certainly didn't make me feel sorry. 

So I bravely asked him if he would punish me again on Monday.  He did.  But in a much smaller way.  It hurt but probably because I was still so sore from the previous evening. 

Then all this week I have been trying to find the courage to talk to him properly about my feelings, about my need for him to set me rules and consistency, about how I feel that Sunday dealt with my feelings of anger and frustration, how I felt that I needed more discipline and everything else.

I actually wrote out what I wanted to say with the intention of just using it as a prompt when talking to him so that I didn't forget anything.  Still, I have chickened out all week. 

Yesterday morning the bloody piece of paper decided to have a mind of its own and it fell out of my handbag as I was getting ready to leave for work.  Before  I had chance to grab it, he got it first.  He had a quick glance and said he would read it later.  He held it away from me just like a parent does holding something out of reach of a child.

Last night I get home and we go about our usual evening things, he even took me out for a quick quiet dinner.  We get home, sat watching a bit of TV and he suddenly gets up and gets the note. 

AND reads it in front of me.  I am scarlet at this stage as this still very much embarrasses me to talk about.

He just takes hold of my arm. tells me to go to bed, he will be in shortly.  I was fluffing around when he comes to bed and gets in.  He takes down the cane and waves it around a little and tells me to get across his knee, that I am going to get spanked.  I eventually get across his knee despite protestations and proclamations of innocence - why do we hesitate when its what we have asked for - and as for innocence, well I wasn't quite innocent was I, I still needed punishing, and so he was doing just that.

He spanked me hard with his hand and then whipped me with the cane all the while telling me off for everything I had done in the last couple of weeks.  I eventually started to cry and said how sorry I was and that I was never going to do it again.  He then just held me across his lap, while he watched his TV show, giving me gentle swats now and then, but me not daring to relax as I just didn't know when it was over.

Finally, he said I was dismissed and could get up.  Something clicked in that spanking.  I know in my heart I wont be using the credit card again without permission for a long long time.  I don't know what it is, or what was different, but something was.

He told me that I have one more coming tomorrow morning before work and then my record will be expunged - until the next time.  Oh!!! OK dear.

And he said we are also going to talk tonight about rules and consistency.  He said he will need help with consistency as he often is forgetful.  But he wants to set me some rules, he wants to be consistent, and he wants to be strict. 

If I have rules that I would like him to set for me, things Id like his help with,  is this topping from the bottom?  There is a fine line.  I think maybe he will get the hang of it when he hears my suggestions.  I don't want to top from the bottom, but how else can I put suggestions to him until he gets the idea? 

Maybe he has just suddenly realized what power he has in his strong hands.  Maybe just maybe I'm going to start to get what I so desperately need.  I hope so.  I know everyone says it takes time, and I know I'm not the most patient of people, I know what it is I need, I can see in my head how things could work for us, and I want it to happen right now, without all the humps and bumps, but this is a learning curve, its teaching me making me grow and stretch out of my comfort zone in talking and opening up about my feelings in a very difficult topic.  Its all good for me and in the long run its all good for him and me.

Implement Survey

I have just been caught out red handed by my husband.  This is not good.  I purchased a new implement today, well first thing this morning while he was still sleeping.  I didn't officially sneak the credit card out of the house.  I used it and put it back without it ever seeing the light of day.  Do I really think this is going to work?  Nope, I don't think so.  Well, apparently when I placed the order from Cane_iac - a lovely maple wood otk paddle - they sent a receipt - to his email!  Arrgggh.  I think sometimes - well sometimes I just don't think do I?

Anyway, he came to see me at work at lunchtime, and very casually asked me what I had for lunch, I told him what I had bought, and what bills I had paid and he just dropped into the conversation oh yes and a lovely paddle as well, baby you just cant leave that credit card alone can you.  Explain please?

Err, well I don't really have one do I, so I just smiled sweetly and waved him on his way back home.   I have texted him since and asked whether I was in trouble again, because he didn't seem all that mad at me.  No reply.  Ominous.

Anyway, that has got me to thinking.  We are fairly new to this lifestyle and still finding our way around it all.  He has a small number of implements in his arsenal.  I thought I might post a bit of a survey on implements as I don't know too much about a lot of them.  So basically what are your favourites, what are you least favourites, what would you recommend, what would you avoid?

He currently has a rattan cane - the old fashioned school type.  His favourite.  I loathe it.  It hurts like mad, though its fairly quiet to use.  We have used it with the kids around.  I have to be quiet when he uses it.

We had a wooden bath brush  - but unfortunately it broke.  That stung.  I was OK with him using that.  It was good for being over his knee.

He has his belt of course, which he rarely uses.

He does have a studded black leather strap, folder over.  Its heavy and thuds and hurts like mad.

I bought a hair brush but its too small really and the wood is very rough - not sanded at all and we haven't used it.  I will probably delegate it to the dogs grooming kit to be honest.
On Sunday night - my big punishment night - he improvised with implements.  My goodness, he used a long piece of wood from the fireplace and then he has a fibreglass stick which is about the thickness of a net curtain wire, only a bit stiffer but still just as whippy.  Wow that hurt like mad.  I think he is going to put that one away.  Hmmmmm do I really like this - him stepping up and thinking for himself?  Yes, of course I do, it's just it can hurt sometimes cant it!

And of course he has his hand.  I love his hands, he has nice large hands, soft, strong.  I like him to use his hands the most, probably because it doesn't hurt so much, but i do love his hands regardless of what they are doing or where they are on my body - but that's another story.

So, yes I would be keen to hear your thoughts advise and recommendations of what to use, what to avoid, any good places to go shopping.    I know I may be in trouble for ordering a new implement without first discussing it with him, but I am looking forward to its arrival.

To MY HOH

OK, so I'm a bit mad at you, frustrated and a bit anxious.  Why have you stopped the discipline?    I have done a heap of stuff but you don’t seem willing to punish me for it, despite saying otherwise.  Have you changed your mind and not want domestic discipline anymore?  Or is it because we have the kids around?  You have punished me before when the kids are with us. It didn’t stop you before - you just bent me over the bed and did what you had to do.

You said to me yesterday that you are not the boss – but to me you are.  It’s how I want to live.  I’m a submissive woman and I want you in charge of me, to take care of me, make decisions for us, to take me in hand when I need it.  I lived for years with a man who couldn’t have cared less, happy for me to live my own little life as I wanted to, was happy to leave me to my own devices.  I don’t want to go back to that, I was unhappy, unloved and not cared for.  I don't want to feel like that with you.

Set me some rules, be strict with me, and be consistent about enforcing the rules.  If you say you are going to spank me, then spank me for whatever I have done wrong.   

 

I love you so much. 

I struggled to bear my soul to you about my needs and desires in this thing we do,

But when I finally did it is with all my love and complete and utter trust and faith in you.

Please, did you listen to me? 

Really listen, with open heart and mind, 

I need rules, I need consistency and I need follow through, always. 

And if for some reason follow through can't happen then please tell me, I'll need to know why.  

I have given you this power, if only you knew just how much,

Please use it wisely

Use it kindly

Use it consistently.

Or is this something you really don't want to do.  You should tell me if that is the case. 

Please my love, my heart,  be my strong hoh, love me, care for me, protect me, discipline and punish me, stand up to me, be strong, be my hoh.

To our HOHs

A comment received on my last post has me thinking. 

I bought a wooden hairbrush, for one purpose only if I am really truly honest – my favorite words in the whole world “young lady you are going over my knee” and that’s why I bought the wooden hairbrush. 

I may well be brave; I may well be dedicated but is my HOH so dedicated?  I am no long so sure, despite what I thought were good conversations and discussions about it.

A week ago I committed a cardinal sin that I blogged about.  A week ago I was told to expect to be saying a lot of Hail Mary’s, not to expect leniency and no way in hell was he going to forget about it.  A week ago!  And in that time I have received nothing; zilch, nada. 

On Friday last week I did receive a little spanking, but just for play.  He mentioned afterward that it was my punishment for the book and the credit card.  But it didn’t feel like punishment, it wasn’t all that painful, there were no tears, and there was no lecture or telling off but lots of sex afterwards.  It was play.  It was great, but it was play.  

I tried to explain to him that it feels like he waits too long between me doing something wrong and being punished for it, that the lesson is then lost.   He acknowledged that, which I appreciated.  He said that he has a memory like an elephant and he never forgets and so things may accumulate but he will punish me when we next can.   (Of course I understand privacy is an issue when we have kids) but there are ways and means.     He has described in detail how he will punish me (and I admit, I’m not looking forward to it it is not going to be pleasant and probably one of the worst punishments I have received so far) – but the question is will it actually happen, probably not.  Am I nervous like I have been before knowing there is a punishment coming, no not really, are there butterflies in my stomache, nope none whatsoever, do I feel guilty and feel the need to be forgiven, no not in the slightest anymore.  It's over and done with, its gone, Ill probably commit the same sin again in the very near future because it obviously dosent bother him, he obviously doesnt care enough.  And having to ask to be  punished just so completely defeats the object.  So here is my little ode to all HOHs out there.

To all our HOHs out there

We love you so dearly. 

We struggle to bear our souls to you about our needs and desires in this thing we do,

But when we finally do it is with all our love and complete and utter trust and faith in you.

Please, are you listening to us? 

Really listening, with open hearts and minds, 

We need rules, we need consistency and we need follow through, always. 

And if for some reason follow through can't happen then we need to know why.  

We have given you this power, if only you knew just how much,

Please use it wisely

Use it kindly

Use it consistently.

TTWD

What is it with this thing we do and submission and when we finally submit?  I can no longer tell little white lies to my hubby.  Or if I do tell one, it doesn't sit well with me and I have to confess.  Its like a switch has been turned on, something inside me has lit up and i just have to be completely and utterly honest or I'm not submitting properly.

Let me explain.

A couple of weeks ago I ordered a book from Amazon in the hopes it would help me to talk more openly to him about domestic discipline.  I had thought the book was being delivered to my work address.  However, i must have made a mistake when i placed the order and it was delivered to my home address, yesterday.

I got home from work and I saw it on the table.  He was busy with something else so I put it away.  He asked me about 10 minutes later where the book was, and i said it was away.  He then said he had bone to pick with me about that, when did I order it, how did I manage to pay for it etc etc.  I crossed my fingers behind my back and smiled and batted my eyelashes and said I had ordered it months ago just after we moved into the new house, and i had forgotten about it.  But it wasn't want i was hoping it would be.  He seemed to buy it, and I hugged and kissed him and left it at that.

We went about our usual business and then later that night, laying in bed in the dark (and in the dark I can't see his face) my conscience got the better of me.

"Baby I have a confession to make"

"Oh yes, what is it"

"I kinda told a little lie earlier, that book, well I did order it about three weeks ago.  I snook the credit card out of your wallet"

"That's a bit devious isn't it?"

"Yes, I know, I'm sorry, really, but it was for the greater good.  I thought it would help me talk a bit more openly about this thing we do to you, but we seemed to have found our way anyway"

"Hmmm well you know what, you will be saying an awful lot of hail Marys later on wont you?"

"Oh man! Cant you be lenient with me, please, I did confess?"

"No way baby, the catholic church does not grant leniency.  Now go to sleep".

Oh boy oh boy.  I hate that cane!

So, he hasn't said when punishment will happen, but I'm pretty sure it will so I have it hanging over my head.  I hate that.  I'd rather just get it over with.  He might forget.  But I wont be able to.  But I don't want to have to ask.  Dilemma.

Oh and then I confessed to something else this morning - I bought a new hairbrush on eBay yesterday.  A nice round old fashioned wooden one! Bargain at $5.   How did I do that, he asked.  Internet banking silly!.  And his response? Well I got the impression he seems keen to use it.

And of course today is grocery shopping day :( man oh man.  For the last two weeks its been horrible.  However, this morning he gave the cash card and told me I had a budget.  Stick to it or else.  Oh OK, he is not coming with me.  Yeeehhhaaaa.  No Kiwi this is not an open invitation to spend like crazy in the food store.  And the look he gave me over his glasses told me exactly that.  So I meekly said I would try to do my best.  But no, he said there is no try about it, don't go over budget, end of story.  He obviously means business he wants to see the receipt and told me three times before I left for work.  Is it my fault we need what we need and the cost of groceries just seems to go up on a daily basis?

Wish me luck, I will try my best to stick to the budget.  But that horrible naughty girl  with horns and a tail and a pitchfork sitting on my shoulder keeps saying to me looks like I'm in trouble anyway -  may as well be hung for sheep as for lamb!  The good girl sitting on my other shoulder is just shaking her head!!

Conversation Rocks

Thank you to all my friends for their words of wisdom and advice on my previous post.   I had decided that I was going to slow down, take a breath and just leave things alone for a while, to see how things developed on their own.  Hubby had told me that he was more than OK with and willing to try this lifestyle out, so what more could I ask for.  Patience is a virtue, or so they say.

However, last night he decided he wanted to talk to me about it.  WOW!  He was in the bath, the kids asleep.  He called me in to sit with him for a while and chat.  And he brought up the subject.  He asked how he was doing with it, was he hurting me, was he verbalising enough during punishments, was I happy with how things were going.  Wow.  Here is my chance I thought.  So I took a deep breath and said that he was doing an wonderful job, but that I would prefer not to have to ask for a punishment if i had done something wrong and that's one of the reasons I thought maybe him setting me a few rules might help - so that we both knew what to expect from each other.  He said no to the rules.  He would just decide when I needed punishment.  He said I know what annoys him, what behaviour he doesn't like so I don't need rules, I already know them in my heart.  I didn't argue.  I asked maybe he could vary the severity of punishments and perhaps use other implements.  He just chuckled at me and said

"Oh, you don't like the cane do you"

"Err no dear it hurts like hell"

"That's the point of punishment  - it's supposed to hurt and be disliked"

Point taken!

He said he doest want me to email him anymore, he wants me just to talk to him.  Damn it!  I find it so hard to talk about this but I guess I am going to have to learn quick.

So we carried on and I told him I want to submit to him always but sometimes i may fight it and that he shouldn't let me.  I told him that when it comes to punishment I may try and refuse or talk my way out of it and he shouldn't allow it.  That if he thinks I deserve a punishment then regardless of what I say or do, he needs to carry the threat out.

He told me not to worry he has no intention of being talked out of or letting me refuse a punishment. 

We kind of let the conversation slide there.  But enough was said i think for now.  There are a few more things Id like to settle in my own mind with him but they can wait for now.

I really would prefer him to set me some rules.  But like he said - I probably already know what he expects of me if I listen to my heart.  But I will revisit this conversation with him about some rules over time.

I need to know that he is going to be consistent.  For example last week 's grocery shopping episode where I demanded back the cash cards and he handed them over as meek as a lamb.  All I really wanted him to do is to tell me to behave and calm down or else - and mean the threat!.  I did tell him this in my email on Friday night.  And he did punish me on Saturday for my temper tantrums.  So hopefully that one is sorted now.

I would also like to talk about other methods of punishment other than spanking.  He actually sent me to bed on Saturday night after spanking me.  He followed me to bed almost immediately but it still had an effect.  It was very humbling and seemed to finish off the discipline episode.  And I really think that a maintenance spanking each week would do me wonders.  One, it reminds me he is the boss, two it reconnects us, three, I admit it I like to be spanked (but not punished - there is a huge difference).  

He did tease me a little last night and said he didn't know whether he was up to spanking me every week, maybe every fortnight, he said it was too much exercise once a week, that it took more out of him physically than making love!  Humph!  My face must have been a picture, a struggle between arguing the point with him and trying to accept his decision.  He just laughed at me and said not to worry he was just teasing me!  Lucky he is bigger and stronger than me I might have tried to drown him there and then! 

I am one happy camper today, feeling the physical effects of her caning and spanking from Saturday night still, and feeling the emotional effects of her conversation with her wonderful, strong handsome loving caring HOH last night and looking forward even more to what is to come from this decision of ours.

So yeah, conversation rocks - I really should try it more often. 

Happy Independance Day

Im not American, but I know most of my new bloggy friends are and I just wanted to wish you all a very happy Independance Day and hope you had a great holiday :)

Plan of action - the results

OK.  Well I got home and he made a comment on my email and asked me what ground rules did i want to make.  But that's as far as it got.  As I smiled and took a deep breath to commence "the talk"  he got distracted with a phone call and we didn't actually talk any more about it except for him to say that he was going to punish me for my bad temper tantrums all week but not that night he just wanted to make love to me instead and I'm all good with that.  (I had texted him earlier and explained that I felt bad about my temper tantrums all week and was he going to punish me for them).   .

Saturday came, I think every friend in his phone book turned up and all I wanted to do was housework and tidy up.  So I might have been a little "off" in his books.  I don't think i was rude to anyone, i was sociable when needed to, i did little chores as well.  I don't think anyone minded.  They know i work full time.

Saturday night came and I was Punished.  Big time, one to remember for a while actually, it started out intense and went from there, it hurt and lasted a long time.  He said I was never to get on my high horse like i had been that week ever again.  After the spanking he actually sent me to bed.  He followed pretty much straight after but i felt very humbled. 

ON Sunday morning he made some comments about me doing as I am told and I pointed out to him that this discipline that we do is not an invitation for him to bully me about.  He agreed and said of course not.  So i took a breath and asked him so, its not just a game to you then, you are actually OK and willing to do this, to discipline me when you think I need it.  He whole heartedly agreed but when i tried then to suggest maybe we should have a couple of rules so that we know what to expect from each other, he didn't want to talk about it.  He said that he would punish me when he decided to. 

I know he is the head of the house and in charge and I have to submit to him and his decision and if this is his decision i should accept it. 

I just want him to take control and initiate punishments without me asking for them.  I feel that is defeating the object.  Occasionally yes i may do something that he thinks doesn't warrant a punishment but I may feel it does and so i can ask for it.  But every time?  Its defeating the object.

I think we need a starting point.  I need to know what he expects of me, rules to be set.  I need him to know what i expect of him too.  Consistency, no empty threats, i need him to differ the severity of punishments.  So far its been the cane, always the cane no matter what.  I hate the cane it leaves not only a physical impression but one mentally and emotionally.  He waved it behind me on Friday night just jokingly but i ran from it - So great for a really bad crime. 

He told me that this is (submission, obedience, accountability and punishment)  what he wants to do, that its not just a game to him.  If that's the case surely we need a starting point, we need to know what to expect from each other.  I don't want to ask for punishments each and every time.  I need to know that he will punish me for a broken rule, just as soon as possible.  Not delayed and put off until the end of the week.  If the kids are about he can take me for a "walk" to the pool house and spank me there.  He could even just send me to bed - easy enough to say that mum is not feeling too well she is going for a lie down.

Perhaps i should write him a little scenario of how i would like to see it work between us - just as an example last week when we went grocery shopping and i had a bit of a tantrum and demanded the cash cards back.  Perhaps a little scenario of how I would have like to have ended might help him see what i am talking about.

Or I should just shut the hell up and leave it alone now.

Or I should just keep trying to talk to him.

I think rules are a good idea, its a starting point, clearly setting out what is expected.  How else is it going to work without rules. 

I can see another email coming on.  I am beginning to hate emails. I really need to learn to talk but he is hard to talk to about this, and finding the right time is difficult.