The countdown is on.

 

 

 

D-Day

 

Is fast approaching.

 

4 more days and my house guests arrive for an indefinite period.  Well, it was for an indefinite period but now we have to move house too – there is light at the end of the tunnel AND I hesitate to mention this as I don’t want to tempt fate, but if our plans work out then I can seen an end to nightshift too.  (Which is a good thing in one respect – well, I suppose in all respects really as immediate consequences will be back.  And that works best for me never mind the fact that Sir will be home with us).

 

Sir told me during our last maintenance session for a few weeks that he doesn’t care who is here or who is not with us, if he feels I am in need of discipline then he will very calmly and politely ask if he can have a word with me up stairs – and we have plenty of quiet implements!!!

 

Hummmmffff!!!!

 

He wouldn’t dare with house guests…..would he?  Errr perhaps best not to test this theory.

 

I have not been very good this week.  And it’s only Monday! (not even 10am when I drafted this)

 

I failed to do my exercise this morning.  AND I stayed up late and watched You Tube on my phone last night when I was supposed to be sleeping.  Sir knows about the exercise – or lack there of but not about the phone incident.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been at weight watchers for the last 9 weeks and have done well, lost 8kg so far, but last week I had a slight gain and then this week I feel like I have fallen off the wagon, I have no motivation.  I’ve only exercised twice this week.  SO I feel like I need some real motivation. Hmmmmm Indiana Jones is very motivating isnt he? hehehe.

 

 

Seriously though.

 

I think I need to ask Sir to help me with this tonight when I get home before he goes to work.  If nothing else I need to confess to the phone indiscretion.  And I feel guilty for not exercising even though it’s my own fault for not going to sleep when I was told to.  I am going to ask him to discipline me.  Why is it, even now, hard to ask for discipline, even when I know it’s what I need. 

 

 

Last night’s maintenance session was very quick and not very hard, although he did use the cane for the first time in a long while and gave me two very hard whacks with it which have left marks which will be around for the next few days.  I didn’t get to the point I needed to.  So maybe subconsciously I didn’t sleep because I was needing more from him and I didn’t do my exercise because I was needing more from him.    I know all you spank-nos will not get it, but then again perhaps you will, perhaps you will understand that guilty feeling and not getting to the place of feeling forgiven.  Ill text Sir later on when he is awake and well hope for the best – keep your fingers crossed for me.  It will be short and to the point no doubt as he won’t have a lot of time before he has to leave for work, so it will probably be quite painful too.  Wish me luck.

Sending prayers to Christina and Jim at Red Booty Woman

To Christina and Jim and to your little girl and your family.

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this awful time.

May God and his angels be watching over you and deliver your little girl

back to you safe and sound from this awful illness.

Much love and hugs to you all.



When it rains, it pours

I know I havent blogged for a while but I really need some help.  

I actually decided to blog about my dilemma as I am hoping that some of you might have some really good advice for me. 

First of all I am expecting those house guests I mentioned and they arrive in 10 days time.

Then on top of that our landlord has decided that we have to move.  So right now  I am now :

• Looking for a home for our horses
• Looking for a home for our one sheep
• Looking for a home for ourselves

So we decided that if we were to move then we were going to relocate completely and move to the South Island which was our long term plan anyway, this new move has just given us the impetus to actually do something about it.

We have a couple of obstacles to overcome first, but I don’t think they are too much of an issue.  The first one is the moving costs but p-i-l are helping with that, thankfully.  The second is finding a house in the area which we want to move to.  Tricky.  There are only 3 to rent – and we are just waiting to hear about all three of them.

I have a feeling that will all be good.

The biggest obstacle is my son.  He doesn’t know whether he wants to come with me or not.

I am torn.  I really don’t know what to do.  I know how unfair it is to ask him to decide. And fair enough he wants his father and I to agree and he will just to as he is told.  Unfortunately his father and I cannot agree.  Whatever argument is put forward you can turn it around for the other person. 

I have to decide whether to stay, or whether to say to him OK you stay here until you finish school and them decide.  Does it make me a bad mother?  He is my only child (but he is a third child of my ex husband – and one he didn’t really want to have anyway but I can’t very well tell my son that can I). 

I so want him to come with me. I can see so much potential for him to come with me.  Even the school he will go to is much better than the one he is going to now.  And more catered for what he wants to do as a career.  MY ex husband is insisting that our son make this decision for himself. 

Am I being selfish?  Should I just say to Sir, no we are not going, we have to stay here until my son is 18.  Should I just say to my son, OK I’ll agree to you staying here, come down if you want to, anytime you want.  Or should I stick to my guns in going, stick to my guns in wanting him to come with me, to try it out for 6 months and see how he feels and then he can come back if he doesn’t like it.  If he decides to stay and I still leave, does that make me a bad mother for abandoning him?

He gets on with his dad, and his dad is not a bad dad, I know he will be looked after and loved.  (But not as well as I can). 

The first few weeks of going will be a struggle, not only will it be winter (snow), neither Sir nor I will have a job – so we will have to live off our savings.  But he will get a job in no time flat.

By going I will finally be able to be a stay at home mum – being their for both my son and Little Miss.

The school my son will go to is geared up far better for his chosen career.  So when it comes to university it will look so much better on his record.

I have no idea what to do.  It’s OK for Sir, Little Miss is very happy to go – she can’t wait.  If I dig my heels in and say I don’t want to go, is he going to resent me, resent my son?  Will he leave me?

These are all the general rambling thoughts running through my head day and night at the moment and I feel like my heart is breaking in two.  I feel like I am either going to lose my son or lose Sir.  And I know from the outside its easy to say there is no choice, I know really there is no choice.  At the end of the day my son comes first.