Lead me not into temptation.

Tuesday 1st November 2011

I got into trouble this morning. 

I did something which I knew was wrong and that I shouldn’t have done it really, but you know sometimes even though we know they are wrong, we just do them.  I guess I got lucky.  I deserve a major spanking for it.  I didn’t get one – at least for now – that’s not to say he won’t later on as it has been written in my book anyway.   I certainly got a telling off for it though and a serious warning that if I do it again I WILL BE chastised, that I was sailing very close to the wind and that I need to behave.   

For a split-second I contemplated doing it again tomorrow morning - it took the next nano second to realize that even without a spanking I still got that accountability.  I got the acknowledgement from him that what I did was wrong and would not be tolerated.    It made me realize something.  

It’s not all about spanking, it really isn’t.  Duh!!!  Finally!  I think though there is a fine line when you are a spanko and sometimes those lines can get a bit blurred, especially when you are new to this lifestyle.  It’s so easy to get caught up in the whole spanking thing.  Everything else can get a bit lost.  I freely admit that sometimes I might want it to be all about the spanking, sometimes I just want him to spank me for each and every little thing. 

I got to thinking.  Yes, I like spanking, but more importantly, I want discipline - rules and consequences and follow through and consistency.    I need the acknowledgement and accountability.  I do realize that it’s entirely up to him if he punishes me for breaking a rule or if I do something wrong and its for me to submit to that decision.   But, at the very least, I need that acknowledgement that he knows I have broken a rule and that he is not pleased with me for that. 

 

If he doesn’t acknowledge the fact that I have broken that rule or done something wrong and if he doesn’t show his displeasure then I feel that he doesn’t really care and I can’t cope with the feeling that he doesn’t care.  I feel lost and alone.  If that’s the case why are we doing this in the first place – and that’s when it can start to feel like a game.  I don’t want it to be a game.  That’s not my need.  If I wanted it to be a game then I would have suggested role play.   

He does send out mixed signals.    One minute he is in full swing in the HOH mode, being the strong leader, being the disciplinarian I need him to be.  It makes me feel confident, strong in myself, it makes me feel loved and protected and I follow with a proud and respectful heart and head held high.  And then the next he is saying that this TTWD is all in my head….and I fall over…. ouch!  But he is only human – the same as me.

It’s confusing and frustrating and is almost leading me into temptation to brat, because I know he has his limits, I know how far I can push and which buttons to push to get that spanking.   I won’t do it though.  I will be strong and I won’t brat.  I won’t be defiant.  I will continue to try to be good.

But I am struggling a little with the way things are working at the moment.  As you all know we have this “two weekly accountability” thing going on and its not really working for me.  By the time we get around to dealing with any infractions over the last two weeks, it’s kind of lost on me and discipline loses its effect.  It then just feels like a sex game.  I understand his need for the book and privacy.  I really do.  But in the past he has dealt with things when we haven’t had a completely child free home so I feel that there is no reason why he cant continue doing that when he feels a need to.

I have thought a lot over the last week about how it could work better.  There are some things that can be left for the two weekly accountability.  Things like my exercise rule.  I have to exercise 3 times in a week.  OK, by the time Friday comes and I still haven’t done it I should start to worry, but who is to say I wont get it all done Friday Saturday and Sunday – there, done 3 times in one week.  So the exercise rule COULD wait until Sunday.  The same as my weight loss rule.  That can only be accounted for on weigh day whether it be a weekly or fortnightly weigh in.

There are some things that I need to be dealt with straight away.   And I just need him to realize that.  I will still continue to write things down in my book – continuously. 

But I have finally realized that him dealing with something doesn’t always necessarily mean he spanks me.  But when he does spank me then I need a full proper telling off to go with it first.  It doesnt necessarily mean shouting and yelling at me, but that lecture - you know the one, followed by an acknowledgement from me that I know whats about to happen and that I deserve it.

I will find the time to talk to him and explain to him.  The right time will present itself.  In the meantime I will continue to try to be good and submit to his authority and I will try not to be scared that he will never spank me again - because at the heart of me that is my fear, that he will just continually set me rules, tell me what to do, tell me off when they get broken or I disobey or do something he doesnt like and never spank me again.  

What to do now?

Monday 31st October 2011

OK.  My weekend:-

Friday night I got spanked for overspending on the budget during the week.  No lecture, no telling off, just a hand spanking and told that was for over spending – and he used a place mat as a paddle – very inventive! 

Saturday morning I asked him was he still OK with this discipline thing.  His answer, “Yes I love spanking you” and to illustrate he then used the paddle (in a playful way) on me and distracted me (in the nicest way) completely.

Saturday night I got a little lippy heading to bed and I was told to watch it or I would be disciplined. He was deadly serious.   I apologized immediately and did as I was told.

Sunday I re-read my crib notes I’d made on what I wanted to say, getting ready to ask him if we would talk, he took them off me half read through them, threw it back at me and said

“It’s all in your mind girl” – and walked out of the bedroom, leaving me there now completely lost and unable to talk to him.

I felt 2 inches tall, completely embarrassed, and utterly unable to broach the subject with him.  I stuttered that I wanted to talk to him maybe later and he said I could talk to him any time I wanted…but I lost my nerve, all I kept thinking was “it’s all in my mind”.

Right now I’m feeling extremely defiant.  If I want to mouth off at thorn next time it pricks at me, then I will with no hesitation.  (In fact this morning I left the phone off the hook so it couldn’t make contact).  If I want to spend a fortune on groceries this week, then I will.  I won’t do my exercises if I don’t want to.  I will fuss and argue and be cheeky if I so wish to.   I will go and find the credit cards and I will find my cash flow card and take it back.  Consequences be damned.   

Damn it!  I dont want to be like that.  I probably wont be. Right now I just feel like it.  Ill probably be just quiet and distant and say things like "nothing's wrong"  "I'm fine" when he asks.  If he asks.

TTWD - This thing I do

Friday 28th October 2011

TTWD.  Or should it be this thing I do.

I feel totally confused and I admit I am ready to give it up 

It’s my own fault. 

I don’t communicate well. 

TTWD should be simple, it really should be

Set rules

Set consequences for breaking rules

HOH follows through with said consequences when said rule is broken.

A "just because spanking" once a week just to reconnect, reset and remind me to behave and remind me hubby is boss - and because I like them.

Easy? 

Simple? 

Yeah right!

I broke a rule this week.  I broke the budget rule.  This is only the second time since it was set.  The first time I broke it he gave me incentive enough with the cane that very night to do my very best to stick to it.  I have done so well since.  But this week I lapsed.  NO excuses - I just wasn’t paying attention.  He said I deserve a spanking for it.  Yes I know.  Did he spank me?  No. 

I swallowed my pride and emailed him yesterday saying that I agree with him I deserve said spanking and asked him was he going to do it?  He didn’t read it until this morning.  He just read it out loud and then said nothing else.  It made me feel about an inch tall.  Maybe that is my punishment.

I thought the book would create a framework.  Oh I can’t complain every second weekend he goes through it and gives me accountability.  He has been so good with doing that not even needing a reminder or me asking him if he wanted to do it.  He just tells me tonight is the night.    But it’s the delay factor that is causing my angst I think.  There are reasons we set rules and so there are consequences if they are broken.  Difficulties occur and so the rules are set to avoid those difficulties, to make life a little easier within our home.  By the time I get the accountability, it seems to have little effect. 

I think there are certain things that can wait to the end of the week.  For example, one rule is to exercise three times a week.  That accountability could wait until Sunday – because who knows there might be a miracle happening and I could get it all done by Sunday.  The same with weekly weight loss – that can only be done once a week (or fortnightly depending on how often the weigh in is).

Whereas shopping night is a set night with a set rule – if I break that rule it should be punished straight away to avoid the same mistake being made the next week – to encourage and remind me to stick to the rule as its set for a specific reason.

I think disobedience is another rule that needs to be punished straight away and not kept for the weekend accountability.  For example when I let my mouth run off the other weekend when provoked by someone – I was implicitly told not to do that – and I disobeyed.  I was punished for it but not straight away – it went in the book and was “counted up” at the next accountability. 

I’m confused and I don’t really know what to do next.  WE have a one off night alone tonight so I have to swallow my pride again and talk to him.  No matter how difficult it is and no matter how I may stumble on my words.  I need to talk to him, see how he is feeling with ttwd, ask him if we can tweak things a little bit. 

Here's hoping.

Tweaking things.

Thursday 27th October 2011

What is the point of having rules when if one or more are broken there is not accountability or follow through straight away?

I cannot falter my HOH for follow through - he does it.  He has done everything I have asked him to.  Each and every fortnight when we are alone.  For the last few weeks I have not had to remind him, he has told me “tonight is the night” he gets the book, reads it, gets me into position, gives me a few spanks for "this" a few spanks for "that" and then a few more for good measure.   It’s always painful, always full on.  He never makes me feel like he feels he “has” to do this for me, that he doesn’t really want to.  It’s never half hearted.  The book is more for his aid than mine.  Because he has such a bad memory, and he really is uncomfortable spanking me when we have kids (except on rare occasions that I have blogged about) he prefers to use the book to help him make me accountable for things he may well have forgotten about.  And at the end of the day this is a journey we both have to take, despite which one of us brought the subject up, it has to fit us both.  So I compromise, it’s not my ideal, but if it works for him, then I will do it.

My lack of feeling connected on Sunday could have been a lot of things; we have a lot of stress going on at the moment with “thorn” so it could have been about that.  But maybe the book and ‘fortnightly accountability” is just not working that well.

I admit it’s not quite how I imagined it would be. 

In my ideal world we set some rules – rules for my behaviour but also rules for what I expect back from him – fair is fair.  A submissive has the responsibility to be submissive and obedient, open and honest and there are consequences if she isn’t – but a HOH also has responsibility – to be consistent, to be honest, and to be strong and steadfast.   If I break a rule then I should be punished for it, there and then or as close to the incident as possible.  He calls me to him and we talk about it, he tells me off about it and if he then decides it’s warranted, he spanks me for it.  I acknowledge that I was wrong, that I deserve the punishment and I accept it and submit to his authority.  Then when it’s over he comforts me and I’m forgiven and we move on. 

(Last night for example.  It was grocery night.  I was not paying attention to the shopping and I went over budget by quite a bit.  This will put us out for the rest of the week.  I wrote it in my book but I didn’t tell him until this morning.  He said I deserve a spanking for it.   But will he tonight?  He should.  Maybe I should ask him if he will.  I know he will bring it up next time we have accountability….but this is a set rule that I broke because I was not paying attention when I was shopping – its one of those times a there and then spanking is warranted).

There are times when I may be argumentative, or being cheeky – which he can tolerate to a certain point but then he has to stop it at some point.  Like the other week when he dragged me into the bathroom and put a stop to my attitude with the hairdryer cord.  Excellent, perfect no complaints whatsoever and it made me feel completely submissive and respectful and loving. 

And then there is maintenance.  It’s how I try to think of my accountability sessions – both punishments and maintenance in one. 

But its not working quite how I thought it would.  Things need tweaking a bit.

Maybe the lines are blurred because I like spanking.  Maybe if I really didn’t like to be spanked then it would be more straight forward. 

I am clear in my mind about the difference in spankings.  To me, I like play spankings which we do sometimes, I don’t like punishments because of the fact that I feel guilty for what I have done, I don’t like to disappoint him, I long for the good girl comments when he is proud of me.  For me its all in my mind set.  I can work with that.  It’s good.

But these fortnightly accountability sessions are getting blurred.  The guilt is gone, I've worked through what I’ve done – in fact I’ve become a little blasé about the incidents.  By the time it comes to spanking me for them its more like play rather than punishment for them.  But perhaps that’s how he is thinking of it. 

Things need tweaking slightly.  Starting tonight.  I will email him before I go home tonight and ask if he is going to spank me tonight for over spending on the budget.  It’s a rule, I broke it, I deserve it.    I still find it too hard to talk to him face to face….something that may never change – thank goodness for technology like text messaging and emails.  Is it wrong to suggest that he talks to me about it first, tells me off, makes me acknowledge what I did (even though I think I’m acknowledging it now anyway) but acknowledge it to him and then accept his punishment?

Something another blogger said and it gave me a bit of a light bulb moment (thank you Rogue).  DD really is plain and simple.  We set rules, if a rule is broken or I do something he considers wrong, he calls me to him, scolds me or tells me off about it I acknowledge that it was wrong he decides whether to punish or not, I accept that decision and we forgive, forget and move on.

It really is that simple and I have just make it too complicated.  I have all these little ideas in my head, little scenarios, way too complicated.

But saying that, its something that does need thought, consideration, conversation and communication still, just a little less convoluted than I have been making it perhaps.  Its a fine line and to find that balance needs open and honest communication.

I freely admit I was on the verge of calling it quits completely with DD at the weekend.  But reading a couple of the other blogs and reading the comments from my readers, I'm feeling a little better, things are back in perspective, things need tweaking a little is all.  I need to talk to hubby and see how he feels. I need to put it to him how I see this working, and then get his feelings and then we need to work from there.  And I add that my final spanking on Sunday night was much better, because it felt "real" it was something important to him that he was striving to get through to me.

Yes, tweaking things a little is a good idea.

Struggling

Wednesday 26th October 2011

I’m struggling.  With DD and submission, with that poisonous thorn; with a lot of things.

I had my weekly accountability over the weekend.  It was meant to happen on Friday – he was all keen – even showed me his new implement  urggh.  It’s really great that he goes and finds new implements himself, no help from me.  But I talked him out of it.  I just didn’t want to.  I did get one or two swipes with it over the back of the couch but he was agreeable to putting it off until the next night.

Saturday came, and he said to me on the couch watching the funniest movie ever (“Paul”)  “tonight’s the night you know”

Urgh

Again I talked him out of it and persuaded him to wait until Sunday morning.  I was relieved that he could be persuaded to wait.

Sunday came. 

On the bed I found myself, face down, facing the consequences for my actions written down in black and white in my book – two weeks worth.  I didn’t get the telling off that I wanted but that’s my fault, I didn’t talk to him.  It wasn’t the right time.  I don’t want to be always asking for more.  I want to be happy with what we have.

But writing things in my book – as a friend of mine has said – is resulting in my spankings becoming habitual.  But that’s not such a bad thing.  Isn’t maintenance habitual?  But it made me think anyway.  Am I “finding” things to get spanked for?  What happened to the element of surprise – for want of a better term?  But then I am pretty well behaved – hence the idea of my book to set a routine, set a framework, set a habit, the idea of the book is that even if I’ve not written anything in it I still get a spanking just because, just as a reminder to be a good girl or else its far worse.    I try to use the book as a kind of maintenance, and also because he asked me to write it down because he forgets and we can’t always do the “there and then” spankings because of privacy issues.  I should be grateful that he wants me to write it down and he is using the book now.  I think it needs to flow better, the whole session.  I need him to read the book, lecture me about the things I’ve done.  I need to acknowledge why they were wrong – some of them I know are wrong but I need to acknowledge that I am about to be punished for them.    I don’t make anything up. If he tells me during the week I’ve been argumentative or disobedient – I write it down so we know at the end of the week or fortnight he needs to punish me for that.   It would be better to be punished there and then and have a weekly maintenance – I know this.  But this seems to work for him. 

Anyway, after it was over I felt kind of flat.  I felt chastised and I cried (always do – seems once the tap is turned on for the first time it doesn’t stop) and he comforted me but it was like oh OK we done now?  I guess he must have sensed my feelings because that afternoon he decided he wanted to give me some more.  I admit I was goading him a little about never being across his knee and that his swing isn’t as big when I am across his knee as to when I’m bent over the bed.  I was wrong.  I soon found myself across his knee and he used his hand, the paddle, the cane and his new implement (which is a branch from a plant in the garden – about the thickness of two thumbs narrowing down to its tip – he is such a keen gardener.  Yuk.

Well, I soon found out that over his knee does not suppress his swing at all!  He was very matter of fact about it and when he was finished, told me to get dressed and come to the living room to get on with our day.  All good, I’m happy with that.

Sunday night came.  We had some issues.  Or maybe I had some issued over the thorn, my insecurities, things were said and I was upset.  He took me to bed, told me to lie down and once again I found myself facing the paddle, but this time, he was quite serious, telling me off in no uncertain terms, actually making me answer him during the spanking – this was a first.  I was quietly sobbing, answering him, confirming that of course I know he loves me and that yes I was being silly.  Then I got a huge cuddle and all was OK once more.

But I was not allowed the next day to go with him on trip which would mean a meeting with the thorn.

I am so struggling with this.  I know I have to submit to his decision.  I know deep down its best.  But I’m struggling with my pride.  To me it shows thorn that thorn gets its own way thorn says jump and everyone says how high.  This sticks in my throat a little.  I want to jump up and down and demand that I go next time, regardless of the thorns protestations.  I’m supposed to be more important than the thorn.  But its hubby’s decision that I say behind.  I have to submit to this…and I’m struggling.  My sister in law is jumping up and down and calling me crazy for not making hubby take me with him.  My pride is screaming at me.

I had fun with the telephone last night though – this is really bad of me.  I’m on the phone – around the time that the thorn usually makes contact.  A text message came through from thorn with the usual demand to hang up the phone.  Twice this happened and then I just ignored the phone and let it ring.  And then this morning I left the thing off the hook.  Bad bad bad Kiwi – but I won’t be told by a horrible noxious weed what to do.  It will be written up in the book though.  I will be held accountable for it, whether it's there and then - or in two weeks time.  AND I know there is a reason why I need to be good and obey hubby's instructions and directions on this one....but still, I struggle with it.  

So I’m struggling.  With submission, with punishments, with everything. 

I think I might be

Wednesday 26th October 2011
This is nothing to do with DD but it’s consuming my thoughts at the moment and I just felt the need to get this out there.  I think I might be pregnant.

But I’m not totally sure.

We so want to be and I could easily go and grab a test but I’d be devastated if yet again it’s negative. 

And I keep thinking why wouldn’t it be?  It’s been negative for the last 10 months, why would it be any different today?

But then:

• My period is 9 days late.  This is has been as regular as clockwork – every 26 to 29 days for the last year. 
• My boobs are really sore.
• I’m feeling slightly sickly on and off during the day, until I eat something and then it wears off but comes back again, not like I'm going to throw up but just that very mild nausea feeling, it has me thinking ooh I feel a bit sick, do I? Don't I? mm yes a little  - that kind of thing.
• I had a very slight light bleed half way through my cycle which lasted a day – nothing like my usual period which is very heavy and lasts about 5 days.  I recall having a slight bleed when I was pregnant with my son but it was after I found out I was pregnant.
• I cannot stomach broccoli all of a sudden – I won’t even buy it.  When I was pregnant with my son I went off cooked vegetables completely – I couldn’t even stomach the smell of them cooking.
• And I have gone off sex – completely – which is not like me.  I also remember doing this when I was pregnant with my son.

But I was last pregnant 13 years ago.  It’s a long time ago.

I so desperately want to have another child.

I could be but maybe I’m not.  I’m probably not.  It’s probably all wishful thinking.  My brain could be manifesting the symptoms because I want to have another baby so badly.

But if it wasn’t for that little bleed I had half way through my cycle I’d be pretty positive I’m pregnant.  But that is throwing me off. 

They say the best way to get pregnant is to stop trying.  I thought I had tried to put the thought of it at the back of my head.  I stopped looking at ovulation calendars, I tried to stop trying.  I thought I had stopped trying.  But maybe not.  Maybe I want this so much my brain is making these symptoms up. 

Damned brain!  Leave me alone! Let me be already!

A Thorn in my side.

Friday 21st October 2011

I am so tired.  I have a very sharp thorn in my side that sticks in to me every few days.  I am tired of this thorn.  But it seems ever lasting, it seems to never go away, the thing is it doesn’t want to go away, it’s got nothing to go away to and that’s the problem.

But it’s spoiling my little piece of paradise that I have finally found.  My peace and my happiness and sanity, my love, my heart, my life and soul, it’s threatening to ruin completely. 

It’s a nasty sharp thorn, long and pointed and malicious with a venomous tip.  Not a poison that kills outright but one that draws on you, slowly sapping away at your energy, pricks you and lets the blood slowly trickle away.  A claw that keeps pricking and poking every step and turn I take.  It threatens, it demands, it draws blood occasionally.   Its poison is slowly leaching in to my cozy little world and I hate it.  I detest it.  But I’m defenseless to it.  There is nothing I can do about this horrible black sharp toxic little thorn.  I want to burn it, I want to dig it out, I want to trash it but every move I make is thwarted.  A thorn that thinks it’s very clever and very sneaky and very devious. 

A thorn that I don’t know quite how to battle – yet.   I am meant to be quiet, to be still, not to make waves.  I don’t know how to fight deviously and sneakily.   I don’t want to lose this fight, and I wont lose this fight, if it’s the last thing I do this thorn will be pulled from its roots, torn up and burnt to be gone forever.  But in the meantime, my blood is slowly trickling away. 

What to do?

Wednesday 19th October 2011

OK.  So I have a little dilemma.  I don't know quite what to do and so I thought I would put my dilemma out here and see what comes back.

My husband is just great.  I think he is awesome at being HOH.  Considering he has never spanked a woman in his life before he met me not even for play, he has done such an awesome job with me, listening to my needs even though I am very inarticulate in telling him what they are.  He has taken his role as HOH and pretty much run with it.  Which is exactly what I wanted.

But I don't seem to be learning.  Every week there is something he needs to discipline me for.  As much as I like spanking I don't want to be punished all the time.  I so yearn for the good girl I like to get from him, I like to see him be so happy with me and my behaviour.

I have been thinking, what will make me learn, what will make me listen and try harder to be a good girl.  Spankings alone obviously are not doing the trick - and I certainly don't want him to suddenly start thinking, this is not working so why bother anymore.

You all know about my little punishment book that I write in.  I have gotten very slack and I didn't write in it all last week.  I have brought it up to date now as best as I can, memory permitting.  And I was told last night that this weekend I will have two weeks worth of accountability to discuss (I love his word discuss - I'm sure the word discuss doesn't mean being bent over and spanked - well not in my dictionary anyway)

I had a bit of an idea yesterday.  Normally the procedure is that he gets me into position or tells me where he would like me, I comply and then he randomly goes through my book and then spanks me for each infraction, while telling me off a little, but not so much.   At first he would flip through the whole book and would try to punish me for things we had already "discussed".  So now I mark the book from the beginning of the week so he just reads from there.

So back to my idea - I would find it very difficult if I had to read aloud from the book.  I would find it very uncomfortable if I were to stand in front of him, read aloud from the book everything I had written down, have him repeat each one back to me and I to acknowledge what I had done and acknowledge that I would be spanked for each offence.  I struggle so hard to say these words out loud. 

I just wonder if perhaps being made to do that, saying the words out loud to him, being made to look him in the eye while confessing my infractions and acknowledging that I am to be punished would make me try harder to behave.  It would certainly be a trial for me to do that. 

If I suggest this to him would this be topping from the bottom?  Any ideas on how I could try and implement this?  I was thinking of emailing (yes email queen is back) and just suggesting that maybe we could try something along the lines of.......to see if makes me try harder to behave and then ask him what he thinks.  A good friend of mine thought I was still topping from the bottom which is the last thing I want to do. 

Help, please, any suggestions or ideas or do you all agree that I'm topping from the bottom?

Worried about nothing

Tuesday 18th October

It would seem that I have nothing to worry about with BDSM and his intentions with DD.  He made it perfectly clear over the weekend that he is more than serious with DD.  I got into trouble twice

 :( both Saturday and Sunday.  Ouch! AND - get this - he has found a new implement and named it "attitude changer".  It’s a fiberglass rod for plants that he intends to cut down to more "useable" size and its left to sit in the corner of the bedroom for me to see.  He used it on me on Sunday morning and it brought me to immediate tears - it hurts badly.   I need to learn to behave.  I have to admit that by the time he had finished on Sunday morning it was like "man, I’ve had enough, I just want to behave".

Unfortunately I did give in to temptation when I was provoked on Friday afternoon and I KNOW I should have just kept my mouth shut and been the bigger person - but words just flew out of my mouth before I could stop them.  So I am in trouble for that - but it hasn’t happened yet. 

Saturday night he caned me for my attitude basically and despite my protests that we had three kids in the next room he just told me to be quiet and to bury my face in the pillow and DO NOT MAKE A NOISE!  Easier said than done with the cane raining down ....but I guess I deserved it. 

I struggle to do as I am told, I talk back, and I behaved badly on Friday.  I also got out of bed in the middle of the night on Friday night upset about something which is another rule broken. 

I’m disobedient, and have a bad attitude sometimes.  I have not done any exercise - even though he has fixed the remote and weight loss - well of course not (she says dunking her choccy biscuit in her tea).    I have not done the dishes as im supposed to on a morning, I dont do my chores regularly enough.  He hates the cats being on the bench and I know I should shoo them but I dont. 

Oh and another big one that I feel really bad about is we had his step son staying for the weekend and I wasn’t mean to him but I did tell him off probably more harshly than was needed :( I shouldn’t do that just because don’t like his mother.

  

We didn’t do weekly accountability on Sunday but maybe it was because he had already used the rod on me earlier in the day.  But I do know that I haven’t kept my book up to date last week and he was reading it last night and noticed it wasn’t up to date.  So I quickly wrote in it and he read it and just said "uh huh" all sinister like.  SO I know I have a big one coming.    In fact this weekend we will have two weeks worth of accountability to discuss.

I think I’m going to need a discipline session.  I’m feeling so off track it’s not funny.  I try so hard.  I want to please him.  I yearn for that good girl and seeing him pleased with me.  Wish me luck

A big thank you

I just wanted to say a very big thank you to all that read my story on PK's site and left comments.  I am glad you all enjoyed it.  I would be honoured to write some more and will put on my thinking cap - I'm sure I have more memories buried deep in my head of other spankings that took place and if not, I'll make some up - but I'll let you know if they are real or not.

Thanks again, everyone.

A turn to the dark side.

Friday 14^th October

I don’t know how else to express my thoughts today except to say that I think our DD relationship has taken a slight turn to towards the dark side.  I am a little worried, not scared but just a little worried.

Let me explain.  Last night was meant to be motivation for exercise this morning.  (On a lighter note, how do you like the irony of this?  We were sat on the couch early evening yesterday and he decides its time I went over his knee for a spanking – a warm up to motivation he was planning on giving me.  Poor man doesn’t like his hand being hurt so he picks up the remote control for the TV and spanks me with that – ouch it hurt – it has a nasty sting to it.  Unfortunately it didn’t like that sort of action  and now doesn’t work – and it’s the only way we can change the channel on the TV so now I can’t do my exercise – well at least until its fixed or we get a new one).

*Kiwi is doing her happy dance*

Of course, I was suitably distressed and upset this morning when I told him *secret evil laugh* ha-ha hehe

Anyway, back to last night.  Yes, well things turned a whole lot worse for my bottom.  If I say the cane, the paddle, bare backside and a kitchen bench, you will get my drift.  I am so sore today, sitting in my car at lunchtime after the sun had warmed the seat during the morning was making my butt even more sore.  But then I suppose that is also the culmination of a whole week of spanking – yes he has read my wish list and has done his best to complete a few of them.  A whole week of spanking being one. 

I am a little concerned though after last night, things were a lot rougher than usual.  Well rougher is the wrong word, really.  Let me explain.  He was talking other things like nipple clamps and restraints, and the spanking was harder than I expected for motivation.  I get the whole BDSM thing I really do and if he wants to try it, then who I am to say no, not after he has listened to me about my desire and need for DD and has done his best to do it.  I don’t mind playing around with spanking as foreplay before sex either.  But I really don’t want DD to stop either. 

I’m concerned that he might think that this is all it is just, sex games.  I’m now worried that the DD aspect will slide.  I still want the real punishment for things I do wrong like Sunday in the bathroom and Tuesday night after my bath.   

Today will be a test.  I’m going to be in a situation where I'm going to have be on my best behaviour despite a very high possibility of extreme provocation to be otherwise.   If I give into temptation and misbehave in a way that will anger him - will he punish me when we get home?  Who knows?  I would like to think he would do.  I’m going to try my best not to put him in that situation.  I will try my very best to hold my tongue – but everyone has limits. 

Anyway, something for me to think about and I guess another talk with him, just to put my mind at rest at least.  If he wants to try a bit more of BDSM then I’m all for it, I just don’t want the serious side of our DD relationship to fall by the way side.

Consistency is great, right?

Every Tuesday night I look forward to a lovely long hot bath with a glass of wine and I watch my TV show.  This is my one night a week luxury.  I love it.  It’s so relaxing and quiet.  Hubby comes in and out asking if I need anything, a refill or a back wash – mmmmmm lovely.

Except that is, for this Tuesday just gone.  As I went to run my bath and get everything ready he kindly reminded me that I was due a punishment, and that I would be getting it immediately I get out of the bath.

Talk about ruining a girl’s evening. 

I failed to do my step aerobics on Tuesday morning.  No excuses really, except for a lingering sore throat that was getting worse and worse.   But I set the alarm for the desired time, and then just switched it off when it rang and fell back to sleep.

He scowled at me when he got up on Tuesday morning, asked me how my bum was feeling from the night before (weekly accountability).  I said it was sore, and then asked whether it would be sore tonight again – oh definitely yes was his reply.

So fast forward to my bath.  I’m lounging in there, nice and warm and relaxed, sipping my wine, watching my show – and before I knew it, it was finished.  The bath water was getting cooler by the minute.  I hesitated and hesitated for about 20 minutes, and I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to get out.

I quickly darted from the bathroom to the bedroom in the hopes he didn’t see me.  Not likely.

He was in the bedroom behind me quick as flash.  I didn’t have time to get dressed; he yanked the towel off me, bent me over the bed and dealt to me severely with the paddle and the cane.  Ouchie!  He made me promise to do my aerobics Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Then when he was done, I’m laying there rubbing my butt, and catching my breath he tells me to get dressed and out he goes.  I get dressed, and go out to watch TV with him with a burning butt as if nothing had happened. 

Except I look at him with renewed respect and love as he sits next to me on the couch, holding my hand and talking about the TV program as if nothing had happened, but we both know something had happened.  My rock stepped up and took charge of me – yet again.   Each and every time he has to spank me my respect & love for him grows. 

Unfortunately I was sick yesterday morning and so he let me sleep in and didn’t make me do my exercises (such a softie).  BUT as a consequence he feels I need motivation tonight ready for tomorrow morning – just to make sure I do get up and get on with it. 

Madness - pure madness!

I cant believe I just did this...

Do you remember the spanking bucket list a while back that Bonnie posted about?  Well, I just emailed mine to him.

I'm up for punishment tonight and I go and give him ideas.....as if he needs them!.

Gee,  I need to start thinking things through a bit more.

Last night's "weekly accountability"

It’s taken me a little time and a good chat to a friend of mine to get my thoughts and emotions in order from last night.

It was my promised weekly accountability.

There was something every day in my book for last  week.  Some days worse than others.  The main thread was lack of exercise and the one or two big things for him to take care of.

He told me to strip and lay face down on the bed over two pillows and then he wandered off and left me there to contemplate my fate.  This was new.  He has not done this before.  It was very sobering.

About 10 minutes later (well it felt like 10 minutes) he came into the room and laid out his implements in front of me and asked me which one I would like him to start with.  I wanted his hand but he refused that.  It hurts his hand too much!  I almost feel sorry for him.  Oops, I’d better watch that tone.  I suggested the paddle (*wink wink*).  He didn’t listen to me.

He went through my book and I got 7 hard and fast strokes of the cane for just having something in the book for each day of the week.   

(OK who let slip the secret about the paddle being the better implement to go first?)

He then alternated between all his four toys.  The leather strap; the studded strap; the cane and the paddle. 

I then got 7 very hard and fast continuous smacks with the paddle for not doing any exercise all week.  That hurt.  That’s all I can say about that.

And then I lost count of everything else and just hung on as best I could.  He took me to my limit and beyond I think. 

It was a hard session.  Towards the end he tied up my hands and spanked me some more for good measure and then left me laying there to contemplate some more.

After about 5 minutes or so he untied me and hugged me and rubbed my back and stroked my hair asking if I was OK and that I have to promise to behave better and do my exercises.  I did. I promised.  I sat up and set my alarm for 5.30 this morning to get up and exercise…………urggghhh guess who didn’t get up to exercise this morning! 

It took a long while for me to recover last night.  I felt quite overwhelmed with it.  It wasn’t as hard as my last session when I think I reached subspace.  For some reason it just overwhelmed me.  I’m OK, no lasting damage no welts and no broken skin.  Just a little sore today.  He wasn’t angry at me but he was dead serious.  Like Sunday.  Maybe that is what overwhelmed me.

Sex followed, and we reconnected and the comforting after was all good and fine and I was happy with it, I just felt a little overwhelmed.   Me thinks, thanks to my friend working through it with me, it's to do with subspace that I felt.  Now I'm coming down and he really needs to be careful with me.   I need lots of TLC.

But I’m OK.  Except I have been told that I have to face the consequences tonight of not doing exercises this morning.  I am going to talk to him tonight about an alternative punishment tonight for not exercising this morning, instead of spanking.  Wish me luck.

And then tomorrow its shopping night...urrggh, I hate shopping.

And then it will be almost time for weekly accountability again.  And lets face it he just proved on Sunday that having kids around the house will not stop him for punishing me when he thinks I need it.

When am I going to be sitting comfortably again?  Anytime soon?  I don’t think so.

Spring, stupidity and hairdryer cords

It tends to be that when I least expect it, I get into trouble.


It's not fair really.


I don't do it deliberately and why should I get into trouble for being mad at him saying something wrong to me????  When does that get to be fair.


Well, yes it is, I just shouldn't get into trouble should I?  And I should learn to listen to warnings instead of ignoring them and continuing to push buttons when I can see the NEON red warning sign above his head flashing, the steam coming out of his ears.  It would be a funny sight if it wasn't so deadly.

To cut a long story short we had had the most perfect weekend, I love the spring and the warm spring sun shine, riding horses, spending time with family.  It was lovely.  Until we got home and there was a little problem.  I was given instructions which I didn't really follow, was in a bit of a day dream, dilly dallying and I got yelled at and then called stupid in the middle of his tirade.
My actions were stupid I will grant him that.  And I wasn't listening, and I didn't do as I was told. 

He fixed the problem while I went into the house, started housework and pottering about - really waiting  for the axe to fall him to come inside. 
He did.  He apologised for calling me stupid but promptly told me  that we needed to have words about my listening and obeying ability.  

He had words with me. 

That should have been it.

Had I been a true submissive wife it would have been.  But no.  I wouldn't let it go.  I went on and on about being stupid, making sarcastic remarks every chance I got.He did warn me

I didn't listen

I refused to see the NEON warning sign flashing above his head

He got out the wooden spoon

That didn't deter me.

He got out the cane (though he didn't actually use the cane just threatened)

I still wasn't deterred.

Until he had had enough, dragged me into the bathroom, closed the doors told me to bend over and lift up my skirt.

What! Why? I whined.   Did Ireally have to ask why he asked?  Does he not realise that its an automatic response to being told to bend over....I know perfectly well why but I just automatically have to ask why!

And so, resigned to my fate, I bent over, lifted my skirt while he took my hairdryer, folded the cord up and I got a good 6 whacks the cord of my hairdryer and then afterwards ran himself a relaxing bath.  I felt well and truly chastised.

It stung but not really enough to make me cry, but tears came nevertheless.  He just held my face in his hands and kissed me and sent me on my way to cook dinner and carry on with our evening.

He told me that he had not forgotten about my weekly accountability, but as we had had guests it couldn't happen - so its coming tonight and even I will admit I have a lot to be accountable for this time.

Sub space

I have read a little about this in other blogs, subs experiencing sub space.  It has always sounded interesting and a feeling I would like to experience.

I think I just did.

I don’t know what it was.  The spanking was hard yes, but not the hardest.  I shouldn’t even really call it a spanking as it was more than that.  It was a paddling, it was a caning, and it was a strapping.  I was restrained.  I have been restrained before.  But perhaps it was the position. 

To set the scene, my punishment occurred mid morning and the sun was shining into the bed room.  I was on my stomach and my hands were tied to the top of the bed and my feet were tied to the foot of the bed.  I was pretty much spread eagle.  This was so that I couldn’t move out of position.  There was no warm up.  It started out pretty hard with the paddle and went from there.  Always that wooden paddle that hurts more than it looks like it would.  Then I got the strap – I think – and then the cane and then a mix up of all three – I don’t totally recall the sequence.  I do recall that the using paddle first can kind of numb the area to the bite of the cane – which still hurts but not as much as it would if the cane were used first – just saying but saying quietly – its my secret. 

About half way through I had begun to cry.  I had restraints around my wrist and so I held on with my hands to the ties that bound me.  I closed my eyes and began to breathe deeply through my tears, through the pain, it hurt but at the same time the hurt didn’t hurt and I felt myself kind of floating.  I couldn’t move or go anywhere and so I relaxed into it.  It was a very weird experience.  He then stopped and left the room for a couple of minutes and left me crying and breathing and coming back down to earth.  He then came back started up again until he was finished.

I can be a bit of an emotional person and I like to cry - and thus being spanked gives me a reason to cry - I think that’s what settles my hormones and emotions - letting it all out – most men don’t like women crying - at least mine doesn’t and this gives me a reason to have a good cry. 

It was an amazing feeling. 

It was a peaceful feeling.

A quiet feeling, relaxed, and for the rest of this week I have felt contented, balanced.  

I could very easily get addicted to that feeling.