A big sweetie

Well, this week has been good.  Ive done step aerobics twice - the first time was on Monday morning, under protest but as he motivated me the night before with 6 of the best with the cane I thought better of not getting out of bed on Monday morning.  The good girl comment I got when I had finished was well worth it.

Wednesday morning I got up again and did my exercise.  The night before he threatened me that I would be in big trouble if I didn't.  I believed him and so I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and 45 minutes later felt so much better.

Yesterday he was a big sneaky devious bear.  He wanted to snuggle on the bed in the moonlight and watch the stars before we wend to sleep.  So I laid there with him on my side, his arm tucked around me.  What I didn't see on the other side of him was the cane lying there all innocent like.  "Swoosh", it landed on my behind. 

Owwwwwwwww....what was that for.

Because I can, anytime I want to

Swoosh

Owwwwwwwww

And you better get up in the morning and do your step, or else

Swoosh

owwwww OK OK I promise.

Good girl, now go to sleep 5.30 comes around all to soon.

Yes sir

We kissed and snuggled and slept.

The alarm went off at 5.30 and I groaned.  The big sweetie decided i didn't have to get out of bed after all not this morning, he said i could cuddle him instead.  I didn't need a second telling I can tell you.

Ohhh you big softy, thank you  i whispered

Shut up or ill make you do it tomorrow morning instead

Yes sir,

And so we cuddled until it was time to get up.

He can be such a big sweetie at times

Stepping up...down...up...down

He is, very much so, stepping up and it feels great.

I got home last night from work and he thought I was kind of anxious.  I wasn't really but I have to admit here that I was wondering whether to ask if  I was in trouble for not doing my exercises yesterday morning - even though I got out of bed.

So, I just kind of mentioned that I'm only anxious when I'm in trouble, am I in trouble?

He laughed and said that I should be BUT he was giving me this one get out of jail free card, but only this one.

Bed time came around and after I set the alarm for that god awful time in the morning when its still cold and dark and I have to get up and throw myself around the living room to do my Cher step aerobics, he pulled me close for a cuddle and then threatened me that I had better get up in the morning or else I would be in serious trouble, and then he told me precisely what he would do to me tomorrow night....oh I so hate that cane.

Well, this morning came around and the alarm went off way too early.  I set it to snooze but he nudged me, get out of bed he warned me.  I made no move to get out of bed and he rolled over and whispered in my ear ... "if you don't get up now, you will be in big trouble tonight, just saying"

Even in a whisper he had "that tone"

So I got up.  I got dressed.  I did my step aerobics for 45 minutes.  Now I'm slightly buggered but I get to stay upright tonight.

Looks like he is stepping up and up and up while I'm stepping up and down and up and down.

Confession - yes another one!

This post has been prompted by me reading another blog today and a post about the same budget rule this blogger has that I have.
I read the post with interest and I commented.

In my comment, without even meaning to I confessed to a sin that I have not yet confessed to my HOH.  And now I feel extremely guilty reading my confession, seeing it in black and white so to speak.

He set my grocery budget - great - it works

He restricts my access to cash - and I have to ask for the bank card when I want need it.  He demands needs to know why I need it and then he decides whether I can have it or not.  And I have to be careful not to stomp my foot when he says no!

However he does not understand or realise just how sneaky and horrible I can be.

I can be very naughty when I want to get my own way.

A friend of mine happens to bank in the same bank.

Internet banking is just the most wonderful ingenious invention ever and whoever invented it should get the Nobel prize.

My friend and I work together.  This is extremely convenient and helpful to my devious and disobedient and naughty nature.

I deposit funds to her bank account via Internet banking and then she grabs the cash for me.

Shh I confessed quietly.  Do you think he heard me?  He seems to be able to read my mind at the moment.

Its not huge amounts of money so that he would notice, just the odd $20 here and there....when I am being too lazy to make my own lunch and so I decide to buy it instead.

I don't know how many rules this is breaking;
1.   dishonesty
2.   disrespect
3.   is devious a rule?  Yes it probably is.
to name a few.

I should tell him.  I have tried but not hard enough.

My conscience is getting the better of me.  I am going to write it in my book tonight when I get home.

He set this rule for a really good reason.  I am no good with money and I just fritter it away.  I have seen that it works.  I need to stop being so horrible and devious.
I need to be honest and tell him.

Oh god!

Am I in trouble Sir? ...... I don't know, let's see....!

Well, what a weekend I had.  I had planned on talking to my hubby about three things I wanted to try and implement into our DD relationship.  You all know how I get churned up and upset and worried about needing to talk about this with him.  Three things I had myself worked up over:

1. Maintenance – a weekly accountability where I stand in front of him and He or I or we go through my little exercise book and he decides whether I am either a good girl and just in need of a reminder spanking, or a bad girl in need of punishment.
2. There and then punishments for breaking rules there and then, like for example the grocery budget rule.
3. Help – well motivation - with my diet and exercise.

Turns out I didn’t need to talk so much at all.

For the first time ever on Saturday night my hubby went through my little exercise book all by himself. 

Firstly, at bed time he took me by the hand and told me it was time for my spanking.  I was speechless - and that for me is hard to accomplish.

Then, he made me stand there naked in front of him while I had to read from my book as to what I had done wrong all week – including that day.  He then took the book from me, made me assume the position and continued to read the whole book all the while he was paddling and caning my behind for all AND I REPEAT all of my infractions in this book.  He warned me he would be making me pay for all my infractions in the book.  And he did.   It was as if he could see inside my head, completely and utterly. 

All I can say is “Owwwww”!

Who has he been talking to?

Has he been reading my blog?

Had he been reading my mind?

Afterward we snuggled and I felt so much better, contented, settled, balanced, loved and very much in love and respectful.  I slept very soundly that night.

Sunday morning dawned and we pottered about doing our chores.  I was busy making the beds and I thought to myself how hard actually is it to just ask my husband, the man whom I completely and utterly trust, to do something that means everything to me, how can I not explain to him, the man I love and adore my deepest desires and needs.

So off I trotted to find him, once again standing in front of him, wringing my hands with nervousness telling him how great the previous night was, but how I need that a lot more often,  like on a weekly basis. 

He looked at my wringing hands and smiled and said

“Yup babe, no problem” - what???  Wait???? It’s not that easy is it?  All that stress and worry???

I stood there and said “well honey there is a little more”

I admit he did try to brush me off, but I reminded him how hard this was for me to talk about and that stopped him and he sat back and gave me the go ahead to talk.

So I did.  I told him that I need a more regular spanking and that a weekly accountability like the previous night would be awesome.  But I still need the there and then punishments as and when I do something wrong, or I break a rule.  He said that perhaps his memory might let that one down as he forgets things.  So I gave him an example of the stupid thing that I did a couple of weeks ago (that I wont go into but resulted in me being paddled) and if and when I break the grocery budget rule.  He said that I don’t overspend anymore, and I said yes, because that one night I did, you took me in hand completely and I’ve haven’t done it since, but that’s not to say its never going to happen in the future.  I’m bound to slip up.    But just things like that.  How can he forget?  He always asks to see the receipt, so he will see when I have slipped up – easy.  So he agreed.

Then I asked for help with my diet and exercise.    I knew what his response would be, as I feared, he couldn’t understand why I just can’t do it.  I did it before, in fact last summer I was getting out of bed two or three times a week to do my step.  Why can’t I do it now?  Well, I said, for one thing, it was the summer. I was on holiday for 4 weeks, easy.  Secondly and most importantly, it was before I had the courage to actually tell him what I needed.  He had no idea about my needs and desires for discipline in the relationship.  OK he said, so you need pain to motivate you.  I nodded, yes please.  If I don’t do it then discipline me.  It will eventually stick in my head that the cane hurts way more than 45 minutes of step aerobics.

Then I went on to diet and just explained the same thing.  So he has agreed to help me in this way.

That night, I took the advice of one of my newest bloggy friends.  I wanted to get out of bed the next morning and do my step but I knew without some motivation I just wouldn’t, its too dark, too early too cold, bed is too warm and snugly next to my man.  So I laid out some pillows and placed the cane on the pillows at the end of the bed.

I then dawdled in the bathroom getting ready for bed into my pajamas until he went into the bedroom first. 

“Babe?  What’s this about?” He asked.  So I went in and said I think I need some motivation sir to get out of bed tomorrow morning.

He didn’t need a second asking, he bent me over, pulled down my pj’s and caned me, making me say out loud each time he swung the cane what I intended to do the next morning – he made me repeat it louder and louder with each swing of the cane until he was sure I actually meant what I said.  I wasnt too sure whether each swing was getting hard as he made me say it louder and louder.

By the end of it I meant it. 

I got up yesterday morning and did my exercise.  I was proud of myself.  He was proud of me. 

After he had finished caning me on Sunday night we didn’t snuggle as such, it was quite a clinical thing, very different to punishment, more motivating and I didn’t feel like I needed comfort, even though it hurt and almost brought me to tears.  We lay in bed and he said to me that if I don’t lose any weight this week then I am in big BIG trouble, so be warned.  Yes sir!  Ill do my best.  Be sure you do girl! 

“Gulp”.  (I used to go to weight watchers and that was always painful in the pocket – now it’s just going to be painful!)

Anyway, he told me before we fell asleep that any time I feel that I need a spanking to simply ask him, or to get out the pillows and the cane anytime at all that I want.

What happens this Sunday?  Do I set up the scene for him to go through the book with me?  Do I just wait for him to see if he does it himself without any prompting?  He may be a little reluctant as we have kids this weekend.  But to be fair, it’s not stopped him in the past.  I know, simply, I have to be quiet when the kids are about; it’s never been a problem in the past.

Maybe I should just go to him each week for a while, until maybe he gets more into the swing of things.  Until he gets it fully into his head this is what I need, desire.  Although in my ideal world I want it to be all initiated by him.  Maybe for the time being he is going to need help in initiating things…I should just go to him each Sunday night and ask him:

“Am I in trouble Sir?

And maybe, hopefully  get the response….

“I don’t know, let’s see….!”

           

Maintenance spankings - it's all very confusing and worrying.

How to ask for them? I have no idea.  I have tried but obviously as they don’t happen, then I didn’t ask right. 

I need them; I desire them over and above punishments.  Well, rather than punishments really but they seem to be the only spankings I get and although I like being spanked, I don’t like being punished.  Well, that’s not true either because I do; I like the structure, the security it gives me.  I like the fact that when I have done something wrong or broken one of our rules then I am to be held accountable.  I like knowing that when it’s over all is forgiven and forgotten.  And to be perfectly honest I like that feeling I get that someone cares enough about me to take the time and make the effort to punish me for doing something that means something to him - if you know what I mean.  So perhaps I should say I don’t like the physical pain of a punishment spanking as it’s very different from an erotic spanking.

I need to feel his dominance over me.

I need to be reminded who is the boss.

I need to be told that I have to obey and be respectful at all times, straight away and not when I feel like it.

When I do something wrong and I am punished, it’s very easy to remember the next few days to be all of that and more.  But then the effect wears off and slowly things slide, I become argumentative, I start to push boundaries.  I test the water and test his patience. 

Last night for example.  He was annoyed – not at me but at something else, but I pushed instead of backing off.  I ended up heading to our room for some quiet time and I was lying on the bed watching the news on his side of the bed.  He came in wanting me to move over to my side.  I refused to – told him he could sit on my side.  He told me off and as he has the cane hanging up above the bed, he grabbed it and threatened me with it.  I soon moved yes, but I should have just moved in the first place.

It’s been a fortnight since I was last spanked and I think that is why I have started to push.  I know I need to remember to be obedient and submissive.  I do try hard to.  I’ve had some good debates with a very good friend about bratting to get the spanking I need.  I don’t deliberately brat to get a spanking – it doesn’t often work and the one thing I have noticed is I tend to get into trouble when I lease expect it, rather than when I think I have planned it. 

I would dearly love to have a weekly accountability of my behaviour.  Having been called to him, have to call him sir and account for my behaviour that week.  If I have been good, great, he will be pleased but will still give me a spanking – perhaps one over his knee for being a good girl.  He doesn’t often let me go across his knee for a spanking, it’s usually over the bed.  He often says only good girls get to go over his knee.  This spanking would probably still be hard but not as severe as a punishment one.  I would hope it would be quite long in duration and he would lecture me throughout telling me that I have to remember to behave, that he is the boss, he is in charge and I should always do as I am told straight away and not when I feel like it or not when he has to threaten me.

If he decides my behaviour that week is not good, then I would hope he would feel the need to punish me for it.  This would be over and above any “there and then” incidents throughout the week that he felt he needed to take care of.  But knowing my husband he would just wait until the weekly accountability.  Or in our case it would probably be fortnightly.  I think I need more than fortnightly.  I can cope with the fortnightly accountability but I think I would still need the “there and then” if I did anything during that time.  If any of that makes any sense.

I also need him to help me with my exercises.  And this is a big thing.  I’m scared of him thinking I’m asking for more and more and more and when is enough enough.

One of our rules is to exercise three times a week.  I have not yet done it once.  Its always excuse after excuse.  He threatens, threatens me big time but has never come through.  Now he has started with sarcasm which is never going to work with me.  I’m stubborn.  I know the one thing that will work for me and that is the cane.  If he threatened to give me the cane if I didn’t do my exercise and then followed through that same night when I didn’t get out of bed….I know the next day I would certainly be getting out of bed.

I want to ask him for this help too.  But I'm scared to death in case he turns around and says to me that I should just do it anyway, I know I need to do it so just do it.  I know this.  I know I should just do it.  I can’t explain why I don’t.  I can’t explain why that motivation would do the trick, I just know it would, it's what I so need and desire.

So two more big things to ask of him.  What if he says what more does she want?  When is enough enough?  I don’t think I could face that.

But I know that if I dont talk to him soon Im going to explode, and say something that I will regret, not in the sense that he would leave me but in the sense that he will either stop ttwd altogether or he will go hell for leather ..................that's an interesting thought. 

Sorry this is long and rambling, I'm really just thinking aloud and putting down my thoughts as they come to me, just to get it "out" of my system.  Then maybe I can think clearly about what I want and perhaps formulate some way of clearly stating to him what I think I might need and ask him if he thinks he can see his way of doing this for me.

Fingers crossed.

Spanko attractions.

This is just a quickie post because I had a quickie thought about what attracts me to a man and it made me think somewhat…

I’ve always liked big men, tall and solid.  Not necessarily muscular but solid, strong, broad shoulders long arms.

I’ve always liked men with large hands.

I’ve always liked men who with long legs and solid thighs.

I’ve always found men who wear fairly tight jeans (to show off those solid thighs) and a “tucked in” shirt and a belt very attractive.

I’ve always liked men who are loud, with deep strong voices; those voices have chance of being even louder and deeper when raised.

I’ve always liked men who look me directly in the eye when talking to me who are confident but not arrogant.

Funny that!

Have I always been a spanko even before I knew it?  Oh I think so, without  a doubt!

A quiet week

It’s been a quiet week since my last post.

I was punished severely last weekend for a number of things.  It had been promised to me so I knew it was coming.

Friday night was a small over the knee spanking.  Saturday came and we were quite busy, the weather was glorious – summer is on its way finally, but I was an absolute brat  - not intentionally I promise you, but with one thing and another, I had attitude, I was cheeky and argumentative and oh my goodness I even compared him to my ex – a big no no.  To top it off I did something really really stupid – something that was just me not thinking, but could have been disastrous.  He discovered it just before we went to bed and oh my word did I get it with that darned paddle for everything I did that whole day.    I deserved it really.  I was very sorry afterward.  And the “not thinking” incident, well what can I say, it wont be happening again. 

Then Sunday night I got it again both barrels with everything in his arsenal.  He decided that I need some more punishment, even though I had been good all day, just to make sure that the lesson from the night before was well and truly learnt.  I got the strap, the paddle, the cane and even a wire coat hanger – which bloody hurts.  After it was over he held me and comforted me.  He actually read my little exercise book but couldn’t remember asking me to write in it.  That figures.  Anyway he said it would be just for me.  That was a bit disappointing but I still write in it.   Because if nothing else I have to be honest and next time I’m over his knee and he is listing all my offences and he says to me “I’m sure there is something else but I can’t remember” – I have to be honest with him and confess everything that he has forgotten about but I know only too well.  

Monday morning came around and I got ten more each side just to remind me to behave.  That was pretty cool actually, going to work with a very warm bottom.  Quite hot in fact – in all respects J

And behave I have.  I have barely been able to sit all week.  I have had a couple of warnings, that look and that raised eyebrow kind of thing, you know the little ways they have, but generally I have been extremely submissive, and it’s been lovely, lots of affection and kindness and harmony in my house at the moment.  I wanted to buy a DVD this week – a movie that I have not seen since the 70’s.  I nearly just went and bought it but had second thoughts and asked him first if it was OK.  I got a yes it was OK.  Asking permission to buy something as simple as a DVD may sound strange to some of you, but its one of my weakest points – I tend to overspend.  So he restricts my spending habits and it’s been good.  So it doesn’t really matter what amount I would like to spend, I have to run it by him first, whether it be $10 or $100 – and this really helps us with our budget so I can’t complain.

I still haven’t talked to him about a regular spanking.   I would really like to set up a framework so that I can get a regular spanking without having to ask for it directly.  I really struggle with that concept.  In my ideal little world I would be called to him every week to account for my behaviour.  This would be were my little book comes in handy to remind myself of everything I have done wrong.  I have to be honest with myself to do this.  And he so often remembers things that I don’t think he did remember so I have to be honest, or the consequences would be twice as bad.  Anyway, I have to come to him, call him sir, account for my behaviour, and then he will decide whether I have been a good girl.  If so I still get a spanking to just remind me to continue to behave and to remind me that he is the boss and in charge and I have to obey.  If he decides my behaviour for that week is not acceptable then I get punished – which would be more severe than a good girl spanking.  But this is all over and above anything that I do during the week that he decides to punish me for there and then.

That of course is in my ideal world.  And as I said I have yet to talk to him about it.  I did ask him the other day what he would say if I said I wanted to stop.  He just looked at me and said we would stop if I wanted to – any time I want to stop to just say the word. I said I don’t want to stop, not at all but that I was just testing him, that I was hoping he would say I didn’t have a choice at all.   He laughed and said well actually I don’t have a choice, he has the power and he went around the house singing that old song “I have the power”.  It was quite funny really, because they do, have a lot of power over us don’t they.  If only they knew.  Maybe they do.  It’s a good power though.  I for one love it.

It's a two way street

To me a Domestic Discipline relationship is a two way street.

It’s about my submission to my HOH, following his rules, his direction, accepting his decisions at his pace, following his leadership and guidance and trusting him to know what is best for our family.  It’s about showing him my love and respect, my loyalty, my support, my friendship in good times and bad times (which is a given in any relationship regardless of what sort of relationship it is).  It’s about intimacy, and closeness and togetherness.  It’s about holding him close to me; holding me close to him.  Its about my submissivenss to him, creating a calm for him in our home in the middle of the storm of life outside.  Its about feeling loved and cared for and safe and secure.

Its about him making me accountable to him, steering me in the right direction, helping and motivating me to stay on track, setting me straight, guiding me to stick to the rules we set together, things that were important to us both, its about holding us together, making us strong as a couple, holding me strong.  Its about him bringing back the calm to me from the storm of life outside.  For me, that accountability, that calm, is discipline.  It’s spanking, its telling me off and lecturing me when I fall off the tracks, its about his consistency, its about him stepping up when I need him to regardless of what is going on in our lives.  This is part of our life – or I hope it is.  Its about feeling loved and cared for and safe and secure.

How can I be expected to follow his guidance, his leadership, how can I be expected to accept his rules, accept him restricting my cash access, accept him setting me unrealistic budgets for family groceries, accept him forbidding me to do things that I would like to do when I cannot expect him to be consistent in stepping up. 

It’s a two way street.  If I am to be expected to be submissive, obedient then I expect him to be dominant, to be the head of our house and to step up and discipline me when I need it.  He knows I need it, he said I need it and I agreed with him that I need it. 

I want to follow his guidelines, his leadership, his decisions but I need him to be consistent too.  I don’t think you can have one without the other.  If consistency goes then submission soon follows.  When consistency returns then submission will be right on its heels.

Resistance is futile ....or is it?

Why do we sometimes resist spankings?

I wonder sometimes why it is I resist when it’s offered, threatened, or enforced upon me.   I desired this lifestyle; I researched it, read about it, searched blogs and asked questions before I went to him to talk to him about it.  He was hesitant at first but then he seemed to take it with both hands and run with it.  He set me rules, he set the consequences, he listened when I went to him and said I needed something slightly more, or slightly less, he asked me questions, was I still OK with it, happy with it, was he doing everything OK.  He even started looking for pervertables.   He flourished being in charge of me.  He even told me that I had no idea what I had unleashed in him.  I loved the fact that he was in charge, taking care of me, setting standards and making me accountable to him.  So why, when I am faced with punishment do I sometimes resist?

We hit the start stop speed bump from time to time.  Sometimes he will spank and it’s only for a minute or two.  Or sometimes he forgets the reason he is spanking me.  He tells me he is sure there is something I have done, but can’t quite remember and as a result I don’t get that lecture or “telling off” that I need.  Sometimes he will tell me I’m in trouble and then there is no follow through.  Sometimes, like now, he seems to let me get away with all manner of misbehaviour and I’ll be honest right now I’m taking full advantage of this little speed bump.  But I’m not feeling good about it, not one little bit.

So when we hit this particular speed bump I do begin to wonder if this is just a game to him.  I had thought I had expressed my needs and desires clearly enough now for him to understand.  But we have halted again.  It’s confusing.  It makes it really hard to talk about.  Once spankings stop we start to argue, I start to feel lost and alone and disconnected.  I feel rebellious, mouthy, resentful and disobedient.  I forget our roles.  I start to make decisions and try to lead our family. 

I lived without spankings for four years (in a previous relationship).  I could never go back to that.  It was like a part of me was missing.  I don’t want to feel like that again.  We were lying in bed last night after making love and he was rubbing the cheeks of my bottom and he mentioned that he hadn’t spanked me for a while.  I whined back I know baby.  He told me I was in need of it.  I ever so eagerly agreed with him.      He said that maybe this weekend when we are by ourselves.  So I told him that I really need a long hard spanking.  So he said well OK then, this weekend it is.

As he held my face in his hands this morning saying goodbye to me at the gate he expressly forbade me to do something that I really want to do and I  argued about it and he told me again that I need a good spanking.    He even raised his hand to slap my face for arguing.  He knows I want him to do that but he is hesitant.  He said he was trying to figure out how to do it.  He has not ever slapped a woman before.  So I suggested he take off his glasses so that I could show him but he didn’t quite like that idea and so he just ruffled my hair and kissed me instead.  I do know I need it – a spanking, a paddling, a caning (I hesitate with that one) but some kind of discipline.  I’m forgetting our roles because of the lack of it.  I need the affirmation of those roles once more. 

We are arguing more, and words hurt more than spankings or should I say the pain of words lingers more than the pain of a spanking.  I will fall off the rails shortly, I need to be brought back on track and only a good spanking will do this for me.  I am starting to push, do my own thing, distance myself, make my own decisions, disobey him, get smart and sarcastic, ignore him, and spend money.  I need him to take me in hand once more.  I am doing stuff that I know he won’t appreciate or like and it’s all because I am getting away with it.    I need him to affirm he is my head, he is in charge.  But when it happens, when I am confronted with the inevitable I will resist, I will fight it, I will question him as to why he is spanking me. 

I tell myself it’s because it hurts, but deep down I think the reason I sometimes resist spankings is the inconsistency that happens from time to time.