Monday 31st October 2011
OK. My weekend:-
Friday night I got spanked for overspending on the budget during the week. No lecture, no telling off, just a hand spanking and told that was for over spending – and he used a place mat as a paddle – very inventive!
Saturday morning I asked him was he still OK with this discipline thing. His answer, “Yes I love spanking you” and to illustrate he then used the paddle (in a playful way) on me and distracted me (in the nicest way) completely.
Saturday night I got a little lippy heading to bed and I was told to watch it or I would be disciplined. He was deadly serious. I apologized immediately and did as I was told.
Sunday I re-read my crib notes I’d made on what I wanted to say, getting ready to ask him if we would talk, he took them off me half read through them, threw it back at me and said
“It’s all in your mind girl” – and walked out of the bedroom, leaving me there now completely lost and unable to talk to him.
I felt 2 inches tall, completely embarrassed, and utterly unable to broach the subject with him. I stuttered that I wanted to talk to him maybe later and he said I could talk to him any time I wanted…but I lost my nerve, all I kept thinking was “it’s all in my mind”.
Right now I’m feeling extremely defiant. If I want to mouth off at thorn next time it pricks at me, then I will with no hesitation. (In fact this morning I left the phone off the hook so it couldn’t make contact). If I want to spend a fortune on groceries this week, then I will. I won’t do my exercises if I don’t want to. I will fuss and argue and be cheeky if I so wish to. I will go and find the credit cards and I will find my cash flow card and take it back. Consequences be damned.
Damn it! I dont want to be like that. I probably wont be. Right now I just feel like it. Ill probably be just quiet and distant and say things like "nothing's wrong" "I'm fine" when he asks. If he asks.
That's hard. There have been times when Michael has said something to me and it made me feel the same way. It wasn't his intent to make me feel that way though and he didn't even realize that his words affected me that way.
ReplyDeleteYou need to talk to him. You're only hurting yourself and your relationship if you don't. Believe me, I totally understand that defiant, I don't care attitude and the decision to keep silent. But, what does it accomplish? It doesn't make you feel better, does it? Talk to him, tell him that you need him to listen to you. What is a relationship of any kind without open communication? (((hugs)))
Kiwi,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry he responded this way. I'm not sure what to say. I'd feel the same way, sad and embarrassed and unable to communicate after that. I'd be awfully defiant too. I'm just plain sorry! Someone out there has been through this and will have something wise to say. Ugh, hang in there.
Kiwi, I have a question. If you and he weren't doing DD, would you still want be following these rules? Are they things that you really want to be doing for yourself?
ReplyDeleteIf the answer is no, I think that may be part of the problem. I find that for me, I really have to want to do something for my own reasons to make it work. The spanking is sort of added reinforcement, but that alone can't change behaviors. Not for me, anyway.
I'm sorry your husband reacted that way. Men certainly don't take well to perceiving that they are being told to be doing something wrong. You know your husband best so perhaps when you talk again you can try to rephrase to focus on how you feel rather than what he's not doing. For example, rather than say "I want you to spank me soon after a rule is broken," rephrase it like "I feel unsettled if I'm not spanked soon after an infraction. I need to know it's over and done with to move on." Good luck.
Sorry to hear your having such a rough time lately.
ReplyDeleteNice lady... I'm thinking that he probably feels the same way as you do. I'll bet when he took the piece of paper out of your hand, I'm sure he had no idea that he was the subject matter and that you felt the way you do. I dare say, he may have felt "punched in the gut"...
ReplyDeleteMen, for the most part, don't like to be guided, or told what to do... He probably didn't have any idea that you were having such problems/thoughts because of him. IMHO, I'll bet right now he is almost as fragile as you are... and I think the men feel weak when they know their woman is unhappy and they are the reason.
Honey, I hope you don't go all out rebelling... I read somewhere that it's easy to be submissive when things are going our way and we agree with our HOH... it's not so easy when it's hard and we don't. My suggestion is to be submissive, and show him you are serious about wanting to be his submissive wife, that you want him to guide you and to be the HOH that you have written about...
I'm sorry your hurting... it really sucks to be in this place...I hope this helps...((hugs))
Been there, done that. Sure wish I had an answer for you but I don't. I guess if he complains about the way things are going you can tell him it's all in his head.
ReplyDeletePK
"he took them off me half read through them, threw it back at me and said
ReplyDelete“It’s all in your mind girl”
Kiwi, I am so sorry. That was incredibly disrespectful and hurtful, wasn't it? Sometimes our men makes mistakes, are insensitive, or get rattled themselves and mess up big time. He's clearly struggling with something. Rather than being defiant, why don't you meet his childish display with some maturity...quietly tell him, or leave a note, that he hurt your feelings, disrespected you, and that is not how the two of you have agreed to conduct your relationship. When he is ready to talk about that, you feel it needs to be discussed. That there are some other issues that need to be talked about too, that Dd is not working as well as you'd like it to, and you'd ;like to talk about it when he's ready to listen. TALK to him...don't act out. That never helps. Wishing you strength and patience and sending a hug! Sara
When Davey has been (in my opinion)disrespectful or has hurt me, I too rear up and prepare to fight bigtime. I DO fight bigtime. I have even said, F*** you... amongst other things!! (I rarely display maturity when he makes me angry or sad... wish I could!)He says I over-react, which further inflames me to say things I really shouldn't. And I eventually calm down, and see I need to apologise. And he always apologises for upsetting me.
ReplyDeleteMiscommunications and misunderstandings inflame so many unnecessary fights for many couples.
I think that was very insensitive of him, but I bet when he took those notes to read, he didn't expect what he saw, and it wrongfooted him, so to speak.... I hope, shortly, he will re-open the dialogue for you so you don't have to stew on it for too long. Hugs, xxxxxxxx
GRACE: Yes I need to talk to him again. I wont be defiant, just felt like it. BUt i wont be.
ReplyDeleteSUSIE: Thanks. It will come right im sure.
LEA: Thanks. Yes the rules are what I really want to stick to. I think he didnt read it properly - they were my notes to remind me what i wanted to say not meant for him to read. I will try again though :|
KENDRA: Thank you. Just another speed bump.
MIKKI: I think he didnt read it properly - he only read out the first sentance or two. They were my notes to remind me what i wanted to say - not really ment for him to read. But he sends out so many mixed signals. Yes he is happy to spank me and set rules and be the leader, but then he says its all in my head, but then again i can go and talk to him any time i want to???? I just want to tweak things a little, but i will behave myself. Ill be good. I was just spouting and getting it off my ches. thank you for reading and commenting and giving me advice :)
PK: Good point - ill remember that - thanks :)
SARA: Thank you. It was but im hoping he didnt really mean it. They were only my notes that he half read, not meant for him to read. But I will try and talk to him again :) soon.
DAISYCHAIN: I think he mis-read my notes - afterall only my notes to remind me what i wanted to say - not meant for him to read. I will try again. Not sure if i will email or talk but i will do something. Thank you xxx
(((Hugs)))!!! Oh, you poor thing! I can understand why you're so upset. I'd be hurt, too, BUT, I really think that you need to wait till it's just a quiet moment and tell him that he really wounded you by his words and you felt 2 inches tall and like he wasn't on your side. Good luck with talking to him!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Kitty
P.S. I think your man responds better to talking than to notes, from what you've said in the past. Sorry it's so hard for you to talk to him.
Hello Kiwi, does he do that often. Then the whole issue is something else then we have all been discussing for a while. In any case the response should be roughly the same. Because if you do not act now you are going to see such behaviour more in the future. From my point of view it comes from frustration, stress, disempowerment. (Can you see the possible downward spiral if you would be defiant right now?)
ReplyDeleteIf you do not already know, you should find out what it is and where it comes from, and where you for in.
Timing is everything, and that is not easy. Start with a neutral subject and even try to be cheerful. It sounds cheesy but you need to lower his shields and if he does not take to it, you might as well stop it with a joke because that time it ain't gonna work.
One thing you need to tell him as soon as possible: That you are not into humiliation, and the fact you allow him to spank you when he chooses, does not give him the right not to treat you with respect. Tell him it is a hard limit. So next time he knows.
By the way probably he regretted what he did the moment he left the room.
Good luck Kiwi, and seek out some positive things for crying out loud.
Kiwi, I'm sorry. Personally I wouldn't be defiant but communicate, talk to him. If you don't feel you want to talk face to face about it just yet, leave a note or email tell him how you feel.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Ronnie
xx
Kiwi,
ReplyDeleteYour husband is right, it is all in your head. But you are entitled to your thoughts and they are valid, he didn't give them or you the respect you deserve. Communication is very difficult. Men and women approach it from very different perspectives. I doubt very much that his intention was to hurt you and he will be surprised by it when you tell him, which you will have to do sooner or later. Take sometime maybe that will help make things a little clearer for you.
KITTY: thank you my friend. Yes timing is everything And you are right. He does respond better to straight talking becuase he is a straight talker himself. Im going to have to because it hurt and I feel shut down so I am going to ahve get over the obsticle of talking and just talk straight.
ReplyDeleteELDER: Im not being defiant. I wanted to but Im not. I hpe you are right that he regretted what he said. He probably didnt mean it the way i took it - but i cant for the life of me work out what he meant if not the way I took it.
RONNIE: You nkow the hardest part is the mixed signals. First he says that about it all being in my head - then this morning i do something that gets a severe telling off and a serious warning of I WILL BE chastised if I do it again. Uuurrgghhhh make up your mind dude. All i wanted to do was tweak a couple of things in ttwd.
FAERIE:I agree his intention was probably not to deliberately hurt me but if i tell him he did then im being a drama queen. I cant win unfortunately. Im taking some time to think about what i want to say and then hopefully the right time will present itself and then things will be better again :) thank you.
I agree with Elder. Just because you allow him to spank you doesn't mean that he gets the right to disrespect you. In fact, it's the opposite. Discipline should be a sign of respect. It shows that you love and care about your submissive. It should show that you care enough about how they behave that you won't put up with bad behavior.
ReplyDeleteThe same goes for the HOH. He needs to understand that the role comes with a responsibility to respect you.
And, I agree with faerie that you have a right to your thoughts (and feelings). No matter what they are he needs to respect them.
You will need to muster the courage to go back and say what you want to say to him. You had it written down and that's for your purposes. I think it's time he sat still to listen until you're done talking.
In this world, the domestic discipline world, there are rules that bind both participants.