Not a bad result ... considering!

Wednesday 29th February 2012

As she stood in line at the Weight Watchers meeting looking at the clock rapidly approaching 5.30 she realized she was going to have to text her Sir to let him know she was running a little late.  She had been hoping to be home by now.  Was this a mistake, she should have talked some more, too late now, uh oh….panic stations

She sent the text but didn’t get a reply.

Not 20 minutes later she was home.

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her his usual kiss hello and then they commenced their usual how as your day, come see what I have done all day kind of talk, .

Then the bomb dropped!

“How was Weight Watchers” he asked in a very non committed tone of voice.

She hung her head. 

“How did you know?”

“A text saying running a little late…. Come on?”

She went on to explain that she was sorry she disobeyed but this was really, really important to her.  She had gotten weighed and had gained the 30kgs she had lost over three years ago.

“OK but consider yourself in trouble though for disobeying me”

She nodded

“Are you going to spank me?” she asked.

He hugged her

“No not this time.  You ARE in trouble for disobeying me and you should have listened, that is your trouble you don’t listen to me enough.  This has got to change.  You need to listen and do as you are told.  I will support you going to weight watchers, this is obviously something you really need and feel you need, so OK, lets make this work.  BUT be warned lady, if you have a gain in a week and waste the $20 fee, no excuses, I will spank you and you will get it good.  Now,  let me see the books”

“Yes sir, thank you sir” she beamed at him.  What a wonderful HOH he was becoming.

She handed over her books and they went through the recipes together with Sir pointing out which ones he would be willing to  eat and which ones he could cook for her.  She was beginning to look forward to her new journey at Weight Watchers, putting to the back of her mind the weeks that she is guaranteed to gain or not lose….

......ohhh he didn’t say anything about a week with neither a loss or a gain – LOOPHOLE LOOPHOLE – probably not!

On obedience dilemma

Monday 27th February 2012

Things are on track, His HOH boots are well and truly in place on his feet and kicking me in the A$$ as and when he needs to.  I am happy and content.  He is happy and content. Our home is happy and content.

Even maintenance is going well.  Despite a flu bug and a little tummy upset Sir insisted we do maintenance last night, I got the paddle and two tails and it included corner time again.  I love how corner time makes me feel his dominance, standing there sniffling, bottom on fire and shifting from foot to foot waiting to be released.   

The whole thing is working.  I feel so submissive.  He set me a new rule last week.  A new handbag! 

Yes I know, this may not sound like a rule or a chore to have a new hand bag.  On face on the face of it, it sounds like a reward.  NO SUCH LUCK.  I love my handbag, it fits in EVERYTHING.  This new rule followed a thrashing with two tails and my first ever corner time last week because I broke my cell phone rule.  I missed two calls from him while my phone was buried at the bottom of my rather oversized handbag.  I didn’t have to buy a new bag; I had one which I thought might be suitable.  So yesterday afternoon, sitting quietly on the bed, I began the tedious task of sorting through my old handbag *sob sob*, and filling up my new handbag.  It’s the size of a clutch bag with a little strap to hold.  It will hold my car keys, ironically my cell phone (hahaha) a tiny little money purse (Sir tells me it’s all I need as I don’t have the cash card or credit cards anyway).  It holds a little bit of cash and my drivers licence – the purse that is) oh and a lipstick!  So you can imagine the size of this new handbag.  He is highly impressed with it.  I feel lost.  He very much approves.  I left the house this morning saying it felt like I had left something behind.  He just laughed his big hearty laugh.

Now we all know the meaning of to submit – it’s to obey – and that’s what we all strive to do.  On the face of it it’s a good thing.  But what to do when you know doing something is right even though it’s an act of disobedience which is the complete opposite of being submissive.

I have that dilemma and I have about 24 hours to decide what to do. 

Over the last 12 months I have gained all the weight AND I MEAN ALL of the weight I have lost over the last couple of years.  No wonder I am feeling tired and listless.  My joints ache.  My feet are sore at the end of the day.  I have a jelly belly which I just can’t stand anymore.  I have no motivation to exercise.    I jumped on some scales on Friday at a medical appointment and I was aghast at the result.

I know exactly what I need to do.

Weight Watchers.

I love weight watchers.  It can work so well for me when I am in the right frame of mind.   I am in the right frame of mind.

BUT I have been forbidden from joining.  I have been told that it’s a waste of $20 a week when I can do it myself.  He can weigh me and I can face the consequences if I don’t lose.  “Well s’cuse me Sir but haven’t we been doing that for the last month and well correct me if I am wrong oh mighty Sir who is never wrong, but its not worked”. 

No, I didn’t say that out loud of course, but it’s true.  It hasn’t worked.  AND I know WW will work. 

But he forbade me.

He has threatened me if I do join then to expect white tail *shudder*.   I have told him regardless I am joining WW this week.  He shrugged his shoulders and said so be it.

I have three options.

1.  

I can obey and not join and struggle “on my own” to lose weight and in the end fail.

Or

2. 

I can instigate my plan.  Yes,  I have a plan.

A very devious plan.

They have an express meeting at 5pm midweek.  5pm is when I leave work.  I can pop along to the meeting get weighed, get my booklets for the week and be on my way.  I will only be 10 minutes late from work.  He doesn’t micromanage me to the extent he would question the time I got in from work.  I could carry on going weekly for a while until there is some loss, some good progress and then tell him.  How could he be mad at me if there is progress, if he can see it working?

Or

3.  

Just go and sign up and then tell him when I get home afterwards.  I will submit to a spanking – after the fact - offer myself up so to speak – he said no and I disobeyed and that in itself is a spankable offence but I know in the long run the results will be far greater.  I am not being disobedient for the sake of it. 

He can even hold me accountable for any week I don’t lose and *waste* the $20 weekly fee if he wants to of course.    Oh gosh, white tail – I feel sick already.  I know how he thinks….20 strikes for the wasted $20 urgghhhh!

Even though this is a blatant act of disobedience, in the long run he will enjoy and appreciate the results.  Even if I do end up being spanked for the initial act of disobedience, it will be worth it.

How do we balance the dilemma within ourselves?  When we know a particular action is right but the act itself is an act of disobedience. 

I know what I must do to submit.  BUT on the other hand, I know what the best thing is for me to do to lose the weight I really must lose.  How can I balance the two?  Do I just obey and face the weight gain consequences or do I disobey (not for the sake of being disobedient or willful but for the betterment of me physically and mentally) and face the possible initial consequence of the disobedience but then to enjoy the far greater consequences and rewards of the weight loss I know I will achieve.

I think I have my answer.  Option number 3.  I will sign up tomorrow night, but I will “confess” when I get home and the rest is up to Sir. 

What a feeling....

Thursday 22nd February 2012

…..it is to be heard and have needs and desires met fully.

I have decided to keep writing, it’s my little processing plant.  Thank you all for the support and your words of wisdom and advice.  I would miss you all way too much.

I got myself into a bit of a wobble over labels and distinctions between BDSM and DD.  I have come to the conclusion that the two may intermingle for some but maybe not for others.  I should just be concerned with what works for me and Sir. 

At times I have felt bullied.  Perhaps that word is too strong.  He is learning.  I am learning.  And let’s face it, submission isn’t easy.  When asked to keep up a standard of behaviour, to do tasks on time, to keep to boundaries set and follow rules agreed upon its hard, its tiring, its simply not that easy to do that 100% of the time and if I slip then Sir pulls me up about them.  He doesn’t always spank me straight away for something, but he does vocalize his feelings.  He is good at that.  And sometimes it feels like it’s every day.  So sometimes I feel “bullied”.  But perhaps it’s just being held accountable for my actions and behaviour. 

So no more debates for me about BDSM and DD.  What is one for one is something different for someone else.  I have decided to just go with the flow of what is best for the two of us  If, after a punishment spanking, sex follows, then hey, I should be enjoying it shouldn’t I?  Not complaining over it.  I got a little lost there for a little while.  So now I’m going with the flow and relaxing.

Someone said to me that I have to be completely honest as to the reason I need discipline and punishment.  Why is there a need to have a reason for it?  It’s a soul deep desire I have had for the longest time, whatever the reason is.  I’m not even sure I know the reason if a reasons exists.  That need is just there.  And when my needs are not being met I have to say something.  It’s like Sir wanting a blow job and I barely touch him with my lips.  He would say in that respect his needs were not being met.  It’s not him being unhappy that it’s not going the way he wants.  It’s simply his need is not being met.

I hate having arguments and all the horrible feelings arguing brings into the family home.  The long silent distances, the ill-feelings.  I have noticed that in the 6 months he has been spanking me for my bad behaviour and stuff he doesn’t like, we don’t argue.  We don’t fall out. There is no distancing, something happens, he deals with it, it’s over and done with.

Granted he has not been a consistent as I would prefer, but we are a work in progress.  However, on a much more positive note, Sir apparently has read and re-read and then read again my email to him about my punishment needs.  It seems he has “heard” me.

I got into trouble last night, big time.  It was over my phone.  I missed two texts from him while I was grocery shopping (which I overspent but thankfully he let me off).  He got so mad.  I got a severe telling off; my phone is meant to be on my person and not buried at the bottom of my handbag.  What if it was an emergency, what if he had been in an accident or Little Miss was taken ill, or my son or my parents....I got a lecture for about 20 minutes.  I can see his point.  He severely reprimanded me, brought tears to my eyes.  Then later at bedtime, I was bent over the bed where I received a sound thrashing with two tails, made to acknowledge what I was in trouble for.  He took his time with the lashes, they were hard, very hard but just the right tempo...I had to say thank you sir and answer his questions....then he sent me to the corner for 5 minutes.  I wasn’t allowed to rub my behind, and when I did I got another couple of whacks.  When I didn’t fully face the corner I got another couple of whacks too.   He even added a new rule.  I have to get a smaller handbag and not use my big one where my phone gets lost at the bottom and I can’t hear it or find it. 

It’s an amazing feeling when a need is fully met.  Words that spring to mind are peace, content, happiness, satisfied, submissive in body mind and soul, respect, love, security, protected and cared for.

He told me this morning he meant every word he said including the new rule and he was not impressed at all with the phone rule being broken. It’s beyond a joke he said and he will deal with it from now on.

He rang me to “test” me this morning.  Unfortunately I couldn’t answer it the first time around as my boss was dictating something over my shoulder….so when I finally answered the phone and explained he said he thought it was something like that, and that is THE ONLY excuse I have for not answering my phone straight away.

He has his HOH boots back on I think.  And it’s a good feeling. 

I'm going to be away for a couple of days, back on Monday my time so I hope everyone has a great weekend and stays out of trouble.  I'm hoping I manage to stay out of trouble too....my behind is still rather sore from last night....but lesson learned I think.

This is not goodbye just au revoir

Wednesday 22nd February 2012

Where do I start?

I suppose at the beginning would be best.

I decided yesterday to email Sir. 

So the first thing I did was “borrow” Ronnie’s post (changing names to fit us of course) about Happy Home -  how happy the house is when ruled by his traditional discipline values and sent that to him.

He loved it.  Who wouldn’t?

I had planned on presenting myself for punishment for Sunday’s blatant disobedience and then saying to him “before we start, can we just talk about …..”  But on second thoughts (and later some good advice confirmed my second thoughts) I decided not to do that.  So consequently, I sent him another email.  I was worried that he would “give it up as a bad job” thinking that whatever he does isn’t quite right.  This is really not the case.  So I make a conscious effort to let him know that the punishment on Sunday was exactly right for me except that the swats were just too quick…that I couldn’t process them, I couldn’t submit to it because I wasn’t in the headspace to accept and submit to punishment.  I went on to explain what I would really like to happen, what I think would help me, the talk first, making me acknowledge what I had done wrong, making me acknowledge that I would be punished for it…that is going to be hard for me to do….and then to submit to the punishment in whatever form he decides.

His first reaction was he will punish me as he sees fit, as hard or as long as he thinks.  Punishment is meant to hurt.  I agree to an extent.  But this is not about being unhappy about things not going the way I want them to.  This is about my needs not being fully met.  I need something just a little bit more.  I need the talk, the before the spanking action, the telling off, the lecture…well, you know, I’ve blogged about it.

So that led to a good talk.  And I think he now understands my need for the talk before hand.  The telling off to get me into that place in my head to submit and accept my punishment.  I think it’s a very important part of discipline – at least for me.  AND I’m not talking about being “yelled” at, just a stern talking to, being made to acknowledge what I have done and what is about to happen.

At bedtime, I asked him whether I was till in trouble for the Sunday episode.  He promptly told me I should be but he was going to let me off a spanking “just barely”.  He then gave me a very stern telling off for it.  Told me what was to happen the next time we go (yes he has changed his mind about letting me go next time – he doesn’t want to be told what to do by The Thorn – she apparently dictated that I wasn’t to go anymore, humph!) He told me in no uncertain terms that I will OBEY him and STAY in the car.  Under no circumstances am I to get out of the car.  My walls fell down, I was suddenly feeling extremely submissive and obedient and the only answer in the world that I wanted to give was “Yes sir”.  He didn’t utter the words “or else” but the threat was clearly there.  If I disobey next time I will be thrashed – and probably not allowed to go ever again.

So we have started afresh as of last night.  And I am feeling the difference already. 

But I think I have been getting a little confused.  Yes,  I’m a spanko.  I feely admit that I like spanking.   For me my interest has developed into the domestic discipline side of things.  I need the dominance.  My reaction to Sir telling me off last night is a prime example.  I love it when he is strong like that.  But I have a rebellious streak at times, I do irrational things without thinking of the consequences at times....I need pushing to look after myself - I can do it all on my own but its not the same.

 

And with all of those needs, if I don’t do as I am told, or break a rule, or do something to annoy sir then there has to be consequences.  I can’t NEED all of that without having consequences too.  The consequence I want is punishment - telling off, corner time, grounding, spanking, early bed time, removal of privileges etc.

I have been very confused over the last few weeks about Domestic Discipline and BDSM – as I was feeling we were headed in that direction.    I am even contemplating deleting my blog altogether. 

To me BDSM is sex play, bondage, sadism, masochism (not sure what the D stands for) - gagging, tying up, blindfolding, pain for pleasure, nipple clamps torture, rubber, costumes and everything else in between.  Whereas Domestic Discipline is just exactly that - a husband given the consent to chastise his wife as he sees fit for her infractions, rules and boundaries agreed on and punishments set and given for breaking those.

To me that is the difference.  Maybe that’s where my maintenance can come in to play a bit more, as well as helping me stay on track for the up coming week, it can be used as a little erotic play time too. 

I think dominance doesn’t have to be just punishment and he doesn’t only show his dominance through punishment.  But at the moment he only wants to spank as punishment.  He doesn’t want to set any other punishments and if that’s so then that’s fine, though I will say here I am open to alternative punishments.  But it has to work for him as well as for me. 

So now I’m feeling better.  I have been thinking about pulling this down completely andI still may do that.  I get the feeling its not going anywhere really anymore.  The same posts are being regurgitated.  I have a good week, I celebrate it with you but my speed bumps are always the same one.  And when I write about it, it seems to come across that I am not happy unless things are going my way.  This actually hurts because it’s so not true.   And I know it’s not meant to hurt and I know it’s meant to help and advice and comments given with the best intentions, I know this.  But I think I’ve done my dash for a while.   HAHA but saying that I’ll probably have something else to say tomorrow!!!

Seriously though I think I may just lay low for a while, see how things go at home, watch read and learn from you guys.  I’ll keep commenting and learning from each of you but for my blog, well who knows. 

So as the title says, this is not goodbye, but for now, au revoir my friends. 

I have a question to ask.....

Tuesday 21st February 2012 

How do I guide Sir into giving me a genuine punishment? 

Now I know that seems a very silly question to ask now after all of this time.  But I am struggling with how things are playing out. 

I’m not saying that what he does isn’t right for us, but I’m just saying it’s not quite what I need.  I feel that it needs tweaking a little bit.    I know he is the leader, I know it’s his decision, but sometimes the punishments he meters out are very hard to take and I feel not in danger but something similar, like the whole purpose of spanking me isn’t to teach me but to let him vent and turn him on.  It really isn’t a matter of not being happy when something doesn’t go “my way”.  It’s more a question of being comfortable with what we are doing.  And right now, I’m not totally comfortable with it.  I think its doing more harm than good.

Last night for example, I did something wrong, and I knew it and so at bedtime I got "two tails" and rightly so.   He even told me off during the spanking.  Great, great, great.  Exactly what I need.  The strikes were very fast though and I could hardly catch my breath.  I didn’t have time to come to terms with what was happening and submit to it.  Because they were so hard and fast – and I mean really fast, I fought it all the way.  I couldn't and so didn't stay in position very well.   I rolled out of the way so many times and at one point I even stood up and refused to get back down.  It was just way too fast.  And two tails hurts especially when used fast.  I really needed him to slow it down a little and give me time to process in between each stroke.  I did mention afterwards it as a little too fast.  But that was all I said, and he didn’t really respond.  I don’t want to keep complaining or saying to him that we need to change this or do that instead, or this is wrong, do it this way, not that way.

Is it wrong of me to need a particular scenario when it comes to metering out punishment? 

In my perfect spanking/punishment world if I did something wrong, or broke a rule, it would be at the very least acknowledged.  If I was to be punished for it then I would be told to expect a punishment.  When it came time I would be made to face Sir and he would give me “the talk” about what I did, ask me the questions why did I do it, what was I thinking?  I should learn to listen and follow direction/instruction etc.  Do I know what is about to happen and why?  He would then make me acknowledge what I did wrong and that I am about to be punished.  It would be so hard for me to do that, acknowledge that I am about to be spanked (to say the actual words out loud would be extremely difficult and embarrassing for me to do) but I think it would be so good for me too.  It would probably be more of a deterrent than the spanking itself.

He would then get me into position and meter out the punishment.  The strokes wouldn’t be so fast that I couldn’t catch my breath.  They would be regularly inter spaced so that each stroke is felt and processed in my mind.   I could then say the words “thank you Sir” that he likes me to say.  How many and how hard is as always entirely up to him of course but I would hope he would be fair minded depending on my wrongdoing.

He would then send me to the corner for a few minutes to think about it and then the comfort and aftercare and whatever else we feel like then would follow.

How can I tell him that without diminishing what he has done so far?  I don’t want to knock his confidence completely.  After he had spanked me last night he asked me “what was wrong with that” and that was because I mentioned earlier that I wanted to talk.  Perhaps that is the wrong thing.  He looked quite panicky when I said I wanted to talk about ttwd.  But we never got around to talking because he got into the spanking.  I felt sad that he immediately thought there was something wrong with what he had done.  Rather than commencing a conversation saying “I need to talk to you” I should just get straight into it “Darling, I really need you to tell me off more before you punish me, and slow the strokes down a little…they are really too fast and I cant process what is happening and so I struggle to submit to it and learn from it”.

So yeah, my question,  how do I guide Sir into giving me a genuine punishment when its needed?

A Dead Stop

Monday 20th February 2012

This is what I want.  A complete stop.  It’s not working.  I feel bullied.  I feel taken advantage of.  I feel confused.  It feels like he is on power trip and I don’t feel comfortable with it.  It’s scary.  He is flying high in the clouds with his new found power, trying to take me with him and I feel like he is going to drop me.

He appears to want BDSM.

I want domestic discipline. 

I don’t want it to intermingle.  That confuses me.

When we make love I want love and tenderness and gentleness. 

When I break a rule or do something wrong, or have a bad attitude I want discipline - not just with the punishment but with the lectures, a “talk” about what I did that was wrong, why I did it, a chance to explain, a chance to submit, a chance to say sorry and then to accept whatever he decides.  And I need his consistent attitude.  Not Sir making me a phone rule and then allowing me to break it without any acknowledgement of it but then thinking he can get away with spanking me for it a week later. 

It seems that what I want and what I am getting are two different things at the moment.  What I get is a sound spanking, yes, sometimes probably too hard, little aftercare these days and then sex.  

I thought we had gotten through all these hurdles. I thought he finally realized what it was that I wanted. I thought finally I had gotten through.

I got scared on Friday.  Not scared of him but scared of the spanking that should have been coming to me for some rule breaking last week.  But my instinct told me not to let it happen.  So it didn’t happen (which is a good thing).

Then Saturday I had such a hissy fit at him over something trivial but not trivial at the same time.  The way I spoke to him was horrible and he should have dealt with me then, but he didn’t, we argued and so bad feeling between us filled the afternoon.

Sunday was horrible.  It had to do with The Thorn.  I didn’t listen to him, she baited me, I bit and it ended up with a little confrontation.  I feel better for it and to be honest, whatever he decides to do it was worth it.  But still I have to face it tonight.  But then I question why, when I didn’t start it, she did.  What was said to her, she had coming but saying that it wasn't even that bad, I just wont be spoken to the way she does like she did, not without retaliating.  Why is it that I have to do what he says, but he does what she says?  (Perhaps he just knows her best, how to deal with her.  I just get down off my high horse and accept that).    Now, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near her.  I am to be left at home next time.  This makes me feel so sick and sad.  He said he doesn’t trust me enough not to bite when she baits me – and this is horrible for me to bear.  I disappointed him, and now he doesn’t trust me.  To me that is punishment enough. 

There is no difference in the severity of spankings he gives me.  There is no talk before hand or after. 

I want to be a better person, I want to exercise, and I want to deal with Thorn in a more mature calm way.  He can help me by dealing with any outburst, like he intends to tonight.  BUT he REALLY needs to do the “talk” before hand.  The lecture or telling off or whatever it is you might want to call it.  He needs to slow down the spanking a wee bit and not use every implement we have in the one session.  I need him to warm me up first, maybe an OTK hand spanking first and then more if he feels it’s necessary.  I need the aftercare and comfort afterwards.  He used to but not so much anymore.  I need him to sit next to me on the bed and hold me and cuddle me and tell me it’s all OK and that he loves me.

I know he loves me.  I have no doubt. 

He can be so strong and dominant at times, insisting I exercise, catching the attitude I can have at times and giving out the warnings.  I even got a good swatting on the behind tea time yesterday for something smart I had said which irritated him.  To me that is all just amazing.

Maybe it’s all in my head.  Maybe I just got panicky over nothing over the weekend.  It felt out of control.  I felt not in control and it was scary and maybe I panicked a little bit?

I need to tell him.  He told me this morning I have to remind him tonight to spank me.  He will be distracted and busy during today doing what he needs to do and will forget.  So he has instructed me that I have to remind him and so I will .  But I am going to tell him that I need more than just the spanking. I need the lecture, the talk before hand.    Ask me the questions.... why did i do it, give me a chance to explain, to see that I was wrong ( or on the off chance i was right) to submit to him and apologise to him and then to accept whatever he decides.  I need him to tell me what I am being punished for.

Is it for my behaviour yesterday?

Is it for spending $15 on lunch last week without asking first?

Or is it out just because spanking that we didn’t do last night as we normally do?

Or is it a combination of them.

Get me to read out my book out loud for everything he has not held me accountable for if he doesn’t want to read it himself.

Tell me off about each thing AND then decide what punishment is to be metered out.

Change the severity.

Change the implement.

Change the position.

Don't always have sex straight away afterwards.

Give me corner time afterwards?

Don’t allow me to watch my new TV shows afterwards.

Punish me.  Don't play with me.  Don’t practice BDSM with me. 

Or is this all too controlling?  Am I topping from the bottom? 

Dear Sir,

Friday 17th February 2012

My Dearest Sir,

I have loved how you have been so consistent with me just recently.  You have really stepped it up and made me feel secure, loved and protected, even comforted.  It, you, have been amazing.  You are my rock.  When you are consistent, following through, dominant, I am happy, content, fulfilled.  I simply love your dominance over me. 

I am struggling today with my emotions.  The last couple of days I have not been on my best behaviour and you have let things slide.  I know it’s your decision to and I know I have to accept that decision and submit to it. But when you do let things slide like certain rule breaking I feel very unsettled.  Especially when nothing is said at all.  So I have a suggestion.  If you decide that my action does not warrant a spanking or punishment, instead of just ignoring it, maybe you could still lecture me about it, acknowledge it in some way and then tell me you have decided to give me a chance, a warning per say.  How does that sound?  Does it seem like something we could do?

I realize I am in trouble today already (or at least I should be).  For one I didn’t hand over the cash card to you last night and I forgot this morning and so I still have it.  And from what you said to me on the phone already this morning, I do know you are not happy about it.  Rightly so! I AM sorry Sir.  The second rule I have broken this morning is my phone rule.  You had to ring me 4 times before you reached me. 

But I have another confession to make.  Yesterday I bought sushi for lunch without asking you first.  I did write it in my book although I didn’t actually tell you.  Perhaps reading my book on a nightly basis, just a quick glance each night before sleep you can decide if there is anything in there that needs “dealing” with from the day.   That would so help with the immediate consequences in my very humble opinion. 

So I know I have to face the consequences for the first two offences but I feel quite guilty over my lunch yesterday to be perfectly honest.

Please don’t stop with the consistency and immediate consequences.  When you caned me on Tuesday morning before work you asked after ward was I still loving it.  I am Sir, I always will.  Your actions towards me show me that you care and love me and want to protect me.  I feel so secure.  I feel as though I could lean my whole body on you and I wouldn’t fall over because you are there next to me, standing solid and firm.  You are my rock.  And in the immortal words of Whitney Houston "I will always love you"

Me xxx

Oh Laid Back, Mellow Husband, where art Thou..?

Wednesday 15th February 2012

I say that but really deep down in my soul I don’t mean it.

It stems from a six of the best caning this morning, before work, that took my completely by surprise because of a simple little thing of wet towels left on the bed and a flippant wave of the hand and refusal to put them in the bathroom right there and then (I would have done it but just not quite then) a quick warning to do it or else and a too cheeky “ha! the kids are about so you won’t”….and I found myself bent forward over the edge of the bed and the bedroom door rapidly closed and 6 of the best with his bloody cane all in one swift movement – how do they do that?

When I first met my husband, I sensed his dominance but he didn’t show it.  He would tell me not to do something, for example the dishes before I left for work, but I would do them anyway.  He would maybe scowl at me, or shrug his shoulders but nothing else would be said.

My previous relationship was that vanilla it made vanilla look exciting.  I was left to my own devices, he didn’t care at all.  We pretty much lived separate lives, so long as I did everything, his washing, his cooking, his child care, kept his house clean and his bed made and didn’t complain when he socialized with his mates (which was all the time) then he was happy and didn’t really care what I did or didn’t do.  I got on with life, did what I needed to do, even down to my exercises 3 times a week (how good was I). But, it left me feeling empty like something was missing.   I’m a grown up, I can do what I need to do.  But my NEED is something different.

But, since meeting Sir.  Well, how things have changed.  I finally realized that I NEED the dominance.  It’s that that turns me on, not the pain of a spanking.  It’s the fact that Sir cares what I do or don’t do.  He is bothered by my actions and will take action himself.  It shows me he cares.  It makes me feel protected and secure and so loved and even respected.  Respected because he knows this is what I need and is willing to give it to me.  My respect of him is showing my submission and love and devotion.

I drove to work with a sting on my behind from the cane and I was smiling.  I felt respectful, I felt loved. I felt protected.  I think of Sir as I sit here typing this and I can almost see the emotions that surround us.  They are so strong they are almost tangible.  The respect; the protection; the love; the leadership and the submission.  I feel like I could lean on him and I would never fall over because he is there, standing steady next to me, holding me up, holding me accountable.

After he had finished with the cane this morning, he gently pushed me back on the bed and laid on top of me, he wiped away my tears and kissed me.  Still loving it, he asked me.  Yes I am and always will.  I love his dominance over me.  People might not understand that but I do so love it. 

He is steady.  He is solid , as solid as a rock.  I know I can lean on him and I will never fall over. 

He is MY rock.

There isn't really much of a point to this post, I just wanted to get my feelings down somewhere before they got muddled with the day. 

Little Miss v Big Miss

Monday 13th February 2012

Saturday was one of those days.  Little Miss was not her most sociable or happy self.  Little Miss rubbed Big Miss up the wrong way just one too many times and in the end both Little Miss and Big Miss with their fighting and arguing and stomping and stamping and hissy fitting just rubbed Sir up the wrong way one too many times. 

It didn’t help that Sir caught Big Miss poking her tongue out at Little Miss and pulling a face that Little Miss had just pulled at her!

Oops!

It really does not pay to go down the Little Miss’s level no matter how tempting it is or how frustrating Little Miss’s attitude and temper can be!

Little Miss got a telling off by Sir and sent to bed early.

And later, Big Miss was taken to the bedroom where she got a ROYAL telling off about her behaviour.  Did she not know better?  How old was she?  Was it not enough that she got a spanking the night before, if Big Miss wanted to act like a child  then so be it, she would be dealt with like a child and without too much further ado she was taken across Sir’s knee and spanked very soundly.  She was stood up and made to face the wall and then paddled again and then she was sent to bed way before her bedtime too.

Urrggghhhhhhh!!!!

25

Monday 13th February 2012

It was getting late and she was beginning to think he may have forgotten.  Old habits die hard, so they say.  So she asked whether she was still in trouble for missing her 25 laps of the pool, was he still going ahead with her 25 strokes? 

“No, not tonight”.

Her heart sank, another night to wait!  She had missed her laps on Thursday, he told her she would be getting 25 strokes of the strap but it didn’t happen.  It was now Friday.  She had already waited 24 hours.  Was this part of the punishment?  He glanced at her quiet face. She knew he was watching her so she tried to keep her face “quiet”.  Not to let the emotion show in her face.

Nothing was said.

A little later, as they stood to head to bed for sleep she felt his strong arms suddenly wrap around her from behind and she was engulfed in his bear hug and gently kissing her neck he propelled her forward to the bedroom.  He pushed her gently face down on the bed and pulled up her skirt and pulled down her panties.  The strap came out.

1

Thud

“Thank you, Sir”

2

Thud

“Ouch, thank you, Sir”

3

THUD

Her hands gripped the blanket in front of her and she sucked in her breath.

“thank you, Sir”

4

THUD

Her feet kicked slightly and she buried her head into the blanket.

“Th thank you, Sir”

5

THUD

Quicker and harder, her body twitched, her feet kicked again, tears prickled the back of her eyes.

“th thank you Sir”

She felt his hand press firmly in the small of her back to keep her in position and then he continued.

Nothing was said by him throughout the 25.  The punishment was silent except the heavy thud of the strap across her bottom.  The sharp intake of her breath each time the leather made contact with her skin and her contrite soft “thank you Sir” after each one.

Another 20 strokes later and it was finally over.  It wasn’t as harsh as some punishments in the past.  It hurt that is for sure, she felt chastised and humble and just a little embarrassed for not having done her 25 laps.  How silly it seemed now, here she was in this position, when all it would have taken was another 20 minutes of swimming. 

Her tears overflowed slowly and silently down her face as she sunk to her knees at the end of the bed.  He looked down on her and stroked her head, take your medicine he said gently. 

He held her and they got into bed and slept snuggled up to one another as best as she could with a sore behind.

The next day, swimming, she was told 40 laps.  She did 42.

Time spent waiting...what's a girl to think about?

Friday 10th February 2012

Because I am currently contemplating a punishment tonight, it’s got this girl to thinking a bit more.  Time spent waiting for a spanking (or any other punishment, if you like – not that I have much experience with other forms of punishment except for the chess game couple of weeks ago) - what is a girl to think about.  I don’t know about anyone else, but when I get into trouble, most of the time the lack of privacy prevents Sir from giving me an immediate, immediate spanking (which I would by far prefer).  So, usually, I have to wait until bedtime or the next day (or as earlier on in our journey until the end of the week – which was torture mind you and I never want to go back to that)

If we are out and about and he has had enough of my “cheek” or “attitude” then he tells me as we are driving around:

“That’s it, I’ve had enough, you are so going to get it when we get home, woman” and I have to wait until we get home, and then he sits and has a cuppa  first and then its like “Go to the room” and then he usually leads me by the arm and away we go.

At home, I do something wrong he will give me a warning first something along the lines of “You are sailing close the wind woman” and if I don’t heed that warning he will say something like “Wait till bedtime” or he gives me “that look” and I ask “Am I in trouble” and he will reply something along the lines of “You know it”

And then I have to wait for sometimes a couple or more hours, until the kids are asleep and it’s our “bedtime”.

I wonder what he thinks about during that time.

I know what I’m thinking about.  The upcoming spanking is in the forefront of my mind.  As soon as it’s put out there, it’s there in my head. 

Mind you, as a spanko I often think about spanking – the nice pleasant kind.  Not the punishment kind.  If it were a playful sexy spanking coming up I would get those tingly butterflies, a slight blush to my cheeks, I’d be happy and excitable and bubbly.  When a punishment spanking is looming I get the nervous type of butterflies, a sinking feeling in my stomach (like right now because of what is looming tonight).  I get a blush to the cheeks but it’s not my face (well, afterwards anyway lol) I don’t like punishments.  I don’t like disappointing Sir.  But I do like the feeling afterwards, that all is forgiven and forgotten.    Afterwards I think about how loved and secure and cared for I feel.

Sir carries on like normal, as if nothing has happened.  He talks his talk, about the news, about his day, about the kids, about politics or whatever is on his mind.  Never about what is going to happen. 

Whereas, for me, it’s on my mind.  The moment I’m told.  I think about it constantly.  My stomach churns and the butterflies start.  My mouth gets a little dry.  I can’t concentrate on anything he is saying, I get a little nervous and fidgety.  I jump up and down doing things, making a cup of tea, washing the odd dish, doing this that or the other.  I will go to do something and then forget what it is I am doing because THE spanking is on my mind.  I will be about to say something to him and then forget what it is I was about to say because THE spanking is on my mind.  I wonder what he is thinking about, even to this day I still wonder if he thinks I’m just a little crazy or weird for needing this discipline.  I think about what implement he will use, the position he will want me in.  Whether he will warm up first or just get straight down to business.   Whether it will be through clothes or whether he will make me strip naked.  I wonder if he will forget (not usually these days). I wonder what (if anything) he will say to me first.  In fact most of the time sometimes I silently wish he would lecture me first, make me stand and face the wall, or tell me to go the room and get into position and then leave me there waiting.  Tell me off properly first or during.  I wish he would make me talk “during” the spanking (I can hear a voice in my head saying be careful what you wish for – this facing the wall for 10 minutes and talking during the spanking actually happened on Sunday,  remember the words  “thank you Sir”)

But I don’t think about my crime.  Not before anyway.  That is usually during and after. Usually to start off with I’m thinking

“ow this bloody hurts”

“ how long will it last”

“How many more, wish he would tell me how many I’m getting”

Then I start to think:

“I’m sorry”

“This is not worth it”

“Please stop, Ill be good”

“I promise I wont do it again"

“I’m REALLY sorry”

And then I’m saying:

“Thank you Sir”

Then afterwards as he is holding me and soothing me I’m thinking how sorry I am and how determined I am not to do it again and how much I love this man and how much I respect him and how secure and cared for I feel.

Right now, I’m thinking all of the above BUT also how much easier it would have been to just swim another 25 laps - kids and the big oaf of a HOH and all……does this mean I'm learning...maybe?  Perhaps?  Even if its just slowly?  I hope so.