Confession Dilema

Here is me, in my last post, waxing lyrical about how wonderful life is at the moment when in fact I have something on my mind that I think I need help with.

 

I know what the right thing to do is, but I am scared to do it.  I need to confess to Sir about something that happened between Little Miss and me last week.

 

I have probably said in the past that Little Miss and I sometimes don't get along very well.  Last week she was on the computer and she knocked something off the table because she had a lot of clutter and toys on the desk with her.  She, of course, lost her temper with herself and started yelling and shouting as she does.  I tried to help her by clearing away some of her stuff and de-cluttering the desk so that she had room to type and play on the computer, she began to yell at me and she turned around and hit me.  Despite her age she has some force behind her and she meant it.  It didn't hurt, hurt but I felt it.  I am ashamed to say that I slapped her back.  Not hard of course, and not a full on palm of the hand on her cheek kind of thing, merely a tap with the finger tips.  It stopped her temper tantrum and after a 20 minute sulk in her bedroom she has been right as rain with me ever since. 

 

I don't for one moment condone what I did. 

 

I have not told Sir about it.   I feel a guilty as hell.  But I keep putting off telling him.  I don't know whether to tell him or not.  I have no idea what his reaction will be.

 

I'm back

Hi everyone,

 

This is just a really quick post to say hello and that I am still alive and to check and make sure you guys are all still here alive and kicking and posting - glad to see you all.

 

Well, we have finally managed our big move.  The house is wonderful and the place we live is just lovely.  And even though I am by no way a city girl, I love the city.  This whole place is why i moved to NZ in the first place.  The buildings are so historic, the people a friendly and the weather, well a little chilly - somewhat windy but on the whole, great. 

 

The school holidays are now over and today is the first day of the rest of my life - hopefully.

 

The kids are at their relative schools.  Sir is working, albeit its a bit hit and miss, some days working some days not, lets hope it more of the some days working.  He got the first thing that was offered so now its just a matter of time to find something more permanent.

 

So today is my first day in the house by myself being the housewife and mum and I have always wanted to be.

 

I have the radio on, cats for company, and am just going room to room tidying and cleaning :)  I'm pretty much in heaven.

 

DD has been a little hit and miss but slowly getting back on track.  In fact I got three spankings yesterday - ouch.  It is so surprising how much they can hurt when they have been a bit hit and miss.  And of course with the inconsistency I have become a bit of a brat, disobedient, disrespectful, I have been trying to wear the boss hat and Sir firmly took it off me last night.  The first one was more playful and led to much nicer things, the second one was awful.  I had been a horrible brat when we went to the shops and so he decided not to wait for Sunday night "just because" session - its back to immediate consequences.  I was walloped hard and he had me kinda pinned down on the bed so that I could not for the life of me wriggle out of reach.  Owwwww!!.  that was followed by 20 minutes of corner time.  OMG 20 minutes of standing there, in the corner its the longest he has ever given me and it was horrible.  I hated every second of it.  Then of course there was Sunday night's just because" session.  That was hard but deserved and needed.  He used the step stool for me to bend over and afterwards he made me stay there in place while he went for a shower.  Then I was allowed in to bed.  I gotta say, my bottom is slightly sore today but emotionally I feel calm, respectful and eager to please :) I just love that feeling.

 

Anyway, like I said, first day of the rest of my life.  Catch you all later :) its good to be back.

All Bad things must come to an end...really???

All bad things come to an end.

I do so hope this is true.

I have just had the worst week from hell … ever!!

And I thought stress couldn’t get any worse.

Monday, the truck driver turned up with the container, refused to bring it down the driveway, walked off the job.  The removal company said we were snookered and offered our money back.  ARRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH legal action was mentioned and the glorious three little words were mentioned “breach of contract” and hey presto the truck driver was told to come back on the Tuesday.

Tuesday, what a day, loading a container with boxes and boxes of stuff, furniture, and then a house clean, gardening, weeding, oven clean, fridge and freezer clean, re-arranging carpet cleaning for another day.  7pm finally finished after starting at 6am.  Seeing Sir off with my son in the afternoon.  This made me cry.  I was sad.  I miss them so much.

Wednesday – back to work for a rest!!!

Thursday – all hell breaks loose with Thorn.  Despite the agreement reached last week she decides that she has Little Miss from today until she flies in 10 days time.  Police were threatened, lawyers were rung and threats of withdrawing the memorandum of consent and forcing Sir back up.  Little Miss was in tears because she didn’t want to go until next week (as planned and agreed) despite trying to tell Thorn this.  In the end we had to relent and appease her.  It feels weak to give in but imagine crossing 

this 

with this

and this 

and you can see why I don’t want to mess with it.  She couldn’t get more thornier!!!  

(I know this is horrible.  Sorry, Sir.  It's horrible of me to have these thoughts of her...I should be the better person and think better of her, or at least not think such horrible thoughts at all, but right now I can't help it)

Apparently it’s not important that Little Miss spend time with her paternal grandparents, cousin and auntie before she leaves!  And it didn’t help that Sir was yelling and cursing down the phone at ME – and I’m not the one causing it.  But I have to be the one that drops everything – including work – and jump to the beat of maggot.

Finally today, Friday, all seems quiet.  Our container has arrived, a week early.  I have my flight tickets.  I’m off to visit my parents for the weekend.  Sir has stopped yelling at me.  I just want some sunshine and roses for a while.  Hopefully from now on :)  Let's just hope thorn doesn't play anymore silly games and makes us miss our flights in 10 days time.

 OK, I promise my next posts are going to be all about DD again...once it's back in my life.  I reckon if he saw this post I'd probably be in for it - especially the remarks about thorn....as much as he doesn't like her....well its still his daughter's mother I guess.  Oh well, just as well for one thing he is not here and another thing he doesn't know about this blog ;) hehehe.  What he doesn't know,  can't hurt me :)

The Big Move

Well folks, it has finally happened.  The Big Move.  I know it wasn't quite to the other side to the world but it sure felt like it.

Well, for Sir and my son that is.  I am still here.  But yes, they have finally made it down South.

As for me, I am now at the mercy of my sister in law for the next 2 weeks while I work out my notice here at work.  Little Miss is staying with her grandparents for a few days to enjoy their company until she leaves.

Wish me luck because I have to contend with Thorn (I know this is rude and disrespectful but give me a break huh she really does kind of deserve it).  The last weekend before we fly is spent with Thorn.  I am just hoping and praying that she doesn’t play up – you all know what it’s like to fly and check in times etc.  She only has to play up and make us late and we have missed flights.  I just hope she plays ball and gives Little Miss back to me.

It has been one of T H E most stressful times of my life.  For a while there it was make or break for Sir and me…well at least that’s how it felt.

But things finally came together with some time and some patience and understanding (some tears and tantrums) ( yes, after one or two spankings as well!) and even though we are 1200kms apart I have to admit I have not felt closer to Sir than I do right now.

So now it’s just a waiting game for me.  

This is day one, and it’s nearly over, so just another 11 to go and we will be reunited.

Speed Wobbles

I always thought of myself as a fairly strong person.

I have been through some tough times.  Two marriages; two divorces; one pretty miserable relationship; one miscarriage and one ectopic pregnancy.

I have moved from one side of the world to the other (with two small children and being 3 1/2 months pregnant to boot).

I coped.

I managed.

Possibly, even thrived.

I started a new relationship 3 years ago and with fear and trepidation but with determination I confessed my need for discipline to my new partner.

I survived all of that too.

But now I have family staying with me.

I have been told to move out of the house I am currently renting.

So, I am moving again; but a major big move to another part of the Country.

Leaving a job I enjoyed for 10 years. Moving away from family and friends from the North to the South.

And I feel like I am sinking fast. 

I handed in my notice after 10 years service.  That was the hardest thing in the world to do.

I am trying to pack up and clean up where we are at now.

I am trying to work out finances and I can see nothing but a black hole ahead of me.

Sir doesn’t seem to be bothered and is taking his sweet merry time in packing up and tidying up outside where we are at the moment.

We are fighting Little Miss's mother who after first consenting to Little Miss going is now fighting it.  The most frustrating thing about this is that it's not even about Little Miss, its about making things as difficult for Sir as possible.  And try as I might to give Thorn the benefit of the doubt, it just doesn’t wash.  It's just malicious nastiness on her part. 

I hit a BIG speed wobble this week.  The ground is very shaky under my feet, I am not feeling strong. 

I have been absolutely rotten to Sir.  My attitude is…well…let's just say the bitch in me has come out in full force.

There is very little DD in place at the moment as we have our visitors still staying with us and they don’t like Sir and Sir doesn’t like them - so I am piggy in the middle.

I feel so out of hand.

I feel like its make or break for us as a couple.

Sir appears to not care less about the move.

I need wobble control.

That old Chestnut "Inconsistency"

Even after all this time it still raises its ugly head. So, to all HOHs out there, please try and understand how inconsistency makes us feel. You set our rules, and the consequences... And then we go and break a rule. We acknowledge this when you tell us off and warn us to expect a punishment for it. We prepare ourselves and resolve ourselves to accept the due punishment with grace and dignity. We are repentant (on the whole that is) and we promise that we will try to do better. We swear to ourselves that it wont happen again. We submit to you with our hearts and souls and await our fate...... ........ But then punishment doesn't happen. The wrongdoing is not even acknowledged again. It confuses us. It makes us feel angry. Hurt. Worst of all I N D E P E N D A N T; that we CAN do what we want, behave how we want. It also makes us feel unworthy of your attentions. It makes us think that whatever we did wrong in the first place, doesn't really matter to you so we can do it again without fear of consequences. That thought then flows on to well, we don't really matter to you. And we know this is irrational but its how we tend to feel, or how inconsistency makes us feel. It's like we take a breath and hold it while we await our sentence...and then we can't breathe again until its over. But if it never happens, we keep holding our breath. I always figured inconsistency was worse when we first started this DD relationship. But when it happens when you are well and truly into the journey and both parties are happy with how everything is going, comfortable with being the punished and the punisher...well inconsistency is even worse. Inconsistency? Well, I think it’s worse than any punishment that can be metered out. And inconsistency in an established DD relationship - well it just plain sucks. Just sayin!

Update

Well, they are here.

My house guests arrived and are still here. 5 weeks to go and they will move again.

My house guests are my parents and as much as I love them, they are hard work. Demanding my attention, and disapproving of my decision to move.

They are not seeing eye to eye with Sir either – which puts me piggy in the middle some what. And of course the more stress I feel, the less submissive I feel. There has been little to no attitude adjustment/maintenance sessions as such because of the lack of privacy.






On saying that though, I have been punished for some things. Over the last 12 days I’ve probably been spanked about 8 days. Sir found that the cane is a very quiet implement and he is quite handy at putting me across his knee at bedtime for a good few whacks with it. (By the way,  corner time works well for the stess levels but thats our secret).

Sir accuses me of having an audience and playing to that audience feeling safe and secure that I can act and speak however I want because they are here. It could be true but ssshhh I didn’t say that out loud. Also our big move is slowly coming together.

My son has decided to come with me so as you can imagine I am over the moon and it’s such a relief and pressure off the shoulders with that issue. (I love this picture.  It is exactly how I feel about my son's decision)

But there are still stresses and pressure. And I am feeling them big time. My head is in a mess.
I'm beign really bitchy
I have such a bad attitude
Talking back
Being argumentative and so disrespectiful.
But I am hopeful that things are working out slowly but surely. I just hate feeling this stress and being so … bitchy with it…

And most of all…I hate that Sir isn’t putting a stop to it yet.  But hopefully he will soon.

A test of submission

We choose this lifestyle and we put all our faith in our HOH. Faith to lead us and make the right decisions for our family. We trust in our HOH’s to chose the right path, make the right decisions, to not put a foot wrong and in return we give our submission to them, we promise to obey and submit to their judgement and decisions. Usually, for me, this is quite easy. Everyday stuff is easy to follow and submit to. It’s the big life decisions that are hard. And right now, we are facing a big life changing decision. To move or not to move, that is the question. It is something we both want and have talked about it for last year. Suddenly it’s here. The time to move house, a big move, not just to another house but to another region. If we was in the US We would be moving states. But things are not going smoothly. And I am a big believer in signs. It’s been a struggle to get finances together. The place where Sir wants to work is now laying off and not taking on. The house we are trying to rent is now not available. The town we wanted to live in only has that one house to rent – and now it’s gone. And the big ? for me is my son and whether he will come with me or stay with his father. All of that is telling me something. Now, if I were being a true submissive, I would trust sir. He tells me not to worry, he will work elsewhere until the place he really wants to work starts hiring again. He tells me not to worry about a house, yes the place is ideal for us, but we will find somewhere else. He assures me we have plenty of spare cash to cover the move and cover expenses until he finds work; and my son, well, if he doesn’t come then I am not abandoning him, but giving him a second option of a better place if he decides later on. If I were a good submissive wife I would follow him. We have talked and discussed and he has heard my concerns. But he has made up his mind. We are going and that’s that. I need to be able to trust his judgment. Accept his decision and move. Do I trust the signs and believe my gut feeling. Or is my gut feeling confused with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of losing my son. Do I trust my HOH. The times my son shows a keenness to come with us, then I’m all for it. And that tells me something as well. So I think it’s the latter. I’m just scared and I need to get over that and put my trust in my HOH. Before now, it’s been easy. Just little things, follow his set rules, it’s been plain sailing. But this is a big decision. This is real, this is real life I guess. This is a test. A true test of my faith and love and trust and my submission … and it’s not easy.

Simply, for Bas.

Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day,
unseen, unheard but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear

The countdown is on.

 

 

 

D-Day

 

Is fast approaching.

 

4 more days and my house guests arrive for an indefinite period.  Well, it was for an indefinite period but now we have to move house too – there is light at the end of the tunnel AND I hesitate to mention this as I don’t want to tempt fate, but if our plans work out then I can seen an end to nightshift too.  (Which is a good thing in one respect – well, I suppose in all respects really as immediate consequences will be back.  And that works best for me never mind the fact that Sir will be home with us).

 

Sir told me during our last maintenance session for a few weeks that he doesn’t care who is here or who is not with us, if he feels I am in need of discipline then he will very calmly and politely ask if he can have a word with me up stairs – and we have plenty of quiet implements!!!

 

Hummmmffff!!!!

 

He wouldn’t dare with house guests…..would he?  Errr perhaps best not to test this theory.

 

I have not been very good this week.  And it’s only Monday! (not even 10am when I drafted this)

 

I failed to do my exercise this morning.  AND I stayed up late and watched You Tube on my phone last night when I was supposed to be sleeping.  Sir knows about the exercise – or lack there of but not about the phone incident.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been at weight watchers for the last 9 weeks and have done well, lost 8kg so far, but last week I had a slight gain and then this week I feel like I have fallen off the wagon, I have no motivation.  I’ve only exercised twice this week.  SO I feel like I need some real motivation. Hmmmmm Indiana Jones is very motivating isnt he? hehehe.

 

 

Seriously though.

 

I think I need to ask Sir to help me with this tonight when I get home before he goes to work.  If nothing else I need to confess to the phone indiscretion.  And I feel guilty for not exercising even though it’s my own fault for not going to sleep when I was told to.  I am going to ask him to discipline me.  Why is it, even now, hard to ask for discipline, even when I know it’s what I need. 

 

 

Last night’s maintenance session was very quick and not very hard, although he did use the cane for the first time in a long while and gave me two very hard whacks with it which have left marks which will be around for the next few days.  I didn’t get to the point I needed to.  So maybe subconsciously I didn’t sleep because I was needing more from him and I didn’t do my exercise because I was needing more from him.    I know all you spank-nos will not get it, but then again perhaps you will, perhaps you will understand that guilty feeling and not getting to the place of feeling forgiven.  Ill text Sir later on when he is awake and well hope for the best – keep your fingers crossed for me.  It will be short and to the point no doubt as he won’t have a lot of time before he has to leave for work, so it will probably be quite painful too.  Wish me luck.

Sending prayers to Christina and Jim at Red Booty Woman

To Christina and Jim and to your little girl and your family.

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this awful time.

May God and his angels be watching over you and deliver your little girl

back to you safe and sound from this awful illness.

Much love and hugs to you all.



When it rains, it pours

I know I havent blogged for a while but I really need some help.  

I actually decided to blog about my dilemma as I am hoping that some of you might have some really good advice for me. 

First of all I am expecting those house guests I mentioned and they arrive in 10 days time.

Then on top of that our landlord has decided that we have to move.  So right now  I am now :

• Looking for a home for our horses
• Looking for a home for our one sheep
• Looking for a home for ourselves

So we decided that if we were to move then we were going to relocate completely and move to the South Island which was our long term plan anyway, this new move has just given us the impetus to actually do something about it.

We have a couple of obstacles to overcome first, but I don’t think they are too much of an issue.  The first one is the moving costs but p-i-l are helping with that, thankfully.  The second is finding a house in the area which we want to move to.  Tricky.  There are only 3 to rent – and we are just waiting to hear about all three of them.

I have a feeling that will all be good.

The biggest obstacle is my son.  He doesn’t know whether he wants to come with me or not.

I am torn.  I really don’t know what to do.  I know how unfair it is to ask him to decide. And fair enough he wants his father and I to agree and he will just to as he is told.  Unfortunately his father and I cannot agree.  Whatever argument is put forward you can turn it around for the other person. 

I have to decide whether to stay, or whether to say to him OK you stay here until you finish school and them decide.  Does it make me a bad mother?  He is my only child (but he is a third child of my ex husband – and one he didn’t really want to have anyway but I can’t very well tell my son that can I). 

I so want him to come with me. I can see so much potential for him to come with me.  Even the school he will go to is much better than the one he is going to now.  And more catered for what he wants to do as a career.  MY ex husband is insisting that our son make this decision for himself. 

Am I being selfish?  Should I just say to Sir, no we are not going, we have to stay here until my son is 18.  Should I just say to my son, OK I’ll agree to you staying here, come down if you want to, anytime you want.  Or should I stick to my guns in going, stick to my guns in wanting him to come with me, to try it out for 6 months and see how he feels and then he can come back if he doesn’t like it.  If he decides to stay and I still leave, does that make me a bad mother for abandoning him?

He gets on with his dad, and his dad is not a bad dad, I know he will be looked after and loved.  (But not as well as I can). 

The first few weeks of going will be a struggle, not only will it be winter (snow), neither Sir nor I will have a job – so we will have to live off our savings.  But he will get a job in no time flat.

By going I will finally be able to be a stay at home mum – being their for both my son and Little Miss.

The school my son will go to is geared up far better for his chosen career.  So when it comes to university it will look so much better on his record.

I have no idea what to do.  It’s OK for Sir, Little Miss is very happy to go – she can’t wait.  If I dig my heels in and say I don’t want to go, is he going to resent me, resent my son?  Will he leave me?

These are all the general rambling thoughts running through my head day and night at the moment and I feel like my heart is breaking in two.  I feel like I am either going to lose my son or lose Sir.  And I know from the outside its easy to say there is no choice, I know really there is no choice.  At the end of the day my son comes first.

Just a quickie

Not that sort of quicky - I wish LOL.

This is a quickie…just to let you know I’m still here.

Life has been hectic, mainly at work but at home too.  I feel like I have had hardly a moment to take a breath. 

ON top of that I have had some rather frustrating technical difficulties with computers and so I have not been around much to blog.

However, I am hopeful that things are slowly going back to normal now.

The computer technical problems are all but fixed now.

I am busy at home still.  The usual family stuff and doing everything while Sir is still on night shift.   I also joined WW again.  6 weeks ago.  So I’m complete immersed in following that properly and working out 3 – 4 times a week. 

And now on top of that, I found out yesterday I have house guests arriving very soon for an indefinite period of time.

Great! Oh joy of joys! My first thought was yeah no more “consequences” for a while.  Hah!  That’s what I thought.  I was soon put right last night during our maintenance session.   With the house guests I will feel “safe” and “complacent” and I will “act out” and become “lippy and cheeky and disobedient” or so I was told last night.  He proceeded to show me what would happen if I did any of those things, the minute the house guests leave.  Or if I pushed hard enough, even while they are with us!

So I’m writing my first post in a wee while with a sore bottom and a heavy heart full of worry and the hand of doom hanging over my head to behave or a big ELSE!  It’s not that I don’t want our house guests – they are family and I love them dearly – but they put so much pressure on me and I feel it easily and it will just spill over as it usually does and then I'll have to face the gang plank.

Just spanked!

I've just been spanked.   (It's not me in the the picture  but my bottom looks very much like that right now)

I'm sitting here very gingerly on a sore bottom while Sir goes to pick up his daughter and two step kids from the mother.

Sometimes Sir surprises me.  One minute I think he doesn't "get" this DD and then the next this happens.'

I am off work this morning as I have a heavy cold (wish I had gone in now) and I just got spanked hard this morning for a number of reasons but the main one was because I kicked up a bit of a fuss because Sir agreed to pick the kids up a day early and from Thorn's place as opposed to the normal half way point.

Sir kindly reminded me that he is the boss, he will make such decisions over these three children as he sees fit and if he HAS to go all the way to her home town to get HIS daughter then he will, whether I like it or not.  He has a point.  He is the HOH and he will make the decisions.  I need to learn to just be quiet once I have expressed my opinion instead of going on and on and on and on...

He punctuated every word of his lecture with the belt and the paddle and our home made green two tails.  Ill have the marks from that thing for the rest of the week.

The spanking lasted for about 30 minutes.

It hurt. 

I cried, a lot.

(But I stayed in place)

I said I was sorry.

I promised that in future I wont make such a fuss and that I will not harp on anymore.  Once I have expressed my opinion and he makes the decision then that is the end of the story.

He warned that next time if it happens my punishment will be worse (I dread to think how much worse it could be).

And then I had corner time for 10 whole minutes. 


And now he has gone to get the kids.

Leaving me sitting (or standing) here with a very sore bottom, feeling very sorry.

A word to the wise

It pays

and I mean it REALLY pays


NOT to

use ones new phone and access the Internet from the said new phone to watch a movie on You Tube on that new phone when one really REALLY SERIOUSLY doesn't want to go to sleep

after being sent to bed, at bedtime, following maintenance on a Sunday night, in the shed!
 

 

 

Well, at least... it pays to not get CAUGHT doing it....

 

 

 

....because

 

 

things might just get a bit very painful for an already sore behind

 

AND

 

......and He really wont see the funny side!!
 

"Does it REALLY feel like I don't care anymore what you think or do?"

“Tell me Kiwi, does it REALLY feel like I don’t care anymore what you do or think”?...

…was the question I was asked last night when I got home from work and marched straight up the stairs to the bedroom.

He bent me over the side of the bed and proceeded to give me 6 good strokes of the cane for deliberately being bratty and leaving all the towels on his side of the bed.

I tried to explain that I was acting out because it felt like he didn’t care anymore what I did or said or think; and that it was stupid and I was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. But to no avail.

He also pointed out that he had noticed (whether I realized it or not) that I had not been getting up to do my workouts for the last couple of weeks…he gave me a direct order to get up this morning to do them.

Uh oh.

Honestly, I meant to.

I went to bed at bedtime.

I rang him to say goodnight.

Set my alarm.

But I had a bad night, very restless and come 5am this morning I was tired. So unfortunately I hit the snooze button.

When I woke him to take Little Miss to school he said to me:

“You failed to get up this morning”

With head bowed and eyes lowered I said “Yes sir, I’m sorry”

“Why not”

“I had a bad night and didn’t sleep very well”

“Why not?”

“I’m not sure”

“I’m not impressed Kiwi”

“I did set my alarm so I did intend to get up”

“That is not good enough and it doesn’t earn you any brownie points”

“No Sir”….and with a stuttering pause I asked the question “Am I in trouble”

“YES” … “Love you, now go to work, I’ll deal with you later”

 

Later is going to be at the weekend...but its 9.30 on Thursday night and I've already been told off on the telephone and warned that if I dont get up in the morning to work out I'm going to get my "arse kicked"