Warning...I do dumb things.

Why oh why do I push buttons and do dumb things. 

I think I need a warning sign tattooed on my forehead.  I really do.

Is there any medicine I can take that will cure me of this painful affliction?

Can I ever learn when to draw the line between being mischievous and being downright disobedient? 

Well, I’m sure Sir will have great pleasure tonight in teaching me, (only it won’t be a candy cane)

I thought I was so funny last night didn’t I?  My chore on an evening is to do the dishes after dinner.  Stack the dishwasher, wash the pots and pans, clean the counter tops, clear the table, you know the thing.  His job is to empty the dishwasher at some point before dinner so that I can sort out the dishes after dinner.

Yesterday he hadn’t emptied the dishwasher and said that I had to do it.  I pushed and pushed until he started that 1 2 3 warning….if he gets to 3 then out comes white tail…he got to

2 ½ before I jumped off the couch and ran to the kitchen.....

This is what white tail looks like, one of these, only folded over into two and taped at one end for a handle, making two whippy “tails” at the other end.--------->

<-----------------------------  And Two tails looks like this – only one long green rod, folded into two again and taped for a handle making two whippy “tails” at the other end.

Anyway, Sir decided to have a hot bath while I was doing the dishes.  I really, really didn’t want to empty the dishwasher.  I was slightly irked, thinking of him laying there relaxing

So I didn’t.  I did the rest of the dishes in the sink, dried them and put them away.  Laughing and smirking to myself the whole time, leaving the dishwasher full of clean dishes! 

Oh, yeah, that’s right, I am so freaking funny ......  NOT! 

AND to make matters worse, at bedtime, he grabbed the paddle and waved in the air saying he was sure I had done something to deserve a spanking.  I smiled ever so sweetly and said No Sir, I’ve done my chores.  Not a complete lie but not the complete truth either, I know I know!

It was only meant to be a funny joke.  But It was not so funny this morning.  They say confession is good for the soul.  It very well may be but it’s not good for the behind.  I am in trouble tonight with a capital T.  I am pretty sure I will be laughing on the other side of my face by the end of tonight.

Be careful what you wish for ... you might just get it.

When I first introduced my Sir to spanking, I was scared to death.  The biggest fear was that he would think I was a freak and he would run for the hills. 

I have always been fascinated with spanking, for my whole life as long as I can remember.  So that was my opening.  I discussed it with him in a very sexual manner – and he obliged.  He told me had never spanked a woman before but when he did me it turned him on immensely.  I remember the very first spanking he gave me, laying on the bed with a studded strap.  I remember the feeling it gave me.  Spanking had been missing from my life for a long while – kind of on hiatus.  But with Sir being a new partner (now husband to be) it made a big return.  (My previous ex-partner had no interest in this kind of thing at all…in fact he had no interest in sex at all never mind anything remotely kinky – but that is another story).

I remember laying there, feeling that strap on my bare behind, taking in the sensations feeling extremely content and peaceful, like a part of me and awoken.  Never to sleep again.

My desire for real discipline grew stronger and I slowly introduced Sir to rules and boundaries and punishments. I had done my research, read blogs, asked questions, made comments and finally knew that Domestic Discipline was the road I wanted to travel, and I hoped and prayed that Sir would too, no matter how bumpy.

We stumbled for a while over the, what seems typical, speed bumps of inconsistency; Sir’s misunderstanding of things, my inability to talk properly about it.  The DD road is certainly one bumpy roller coaster ride.

Slowly over the time we have gotten to grips with issues of immediate consequences, spanking punishments, implements, alternative punishments like Corner time.  At some point it felt as though I were miles ahead of him, waiting for him to catch up.

Over time Sir’s confidence has grown.  He adds rules now of his own accord, we/he got mixed up over maintenance and punishments there for a while, but I think we have now sorted that out.  He loves to be the leader, the head of the house (I even used that HOH term with him yesterday – and he didn’t even flinch). 

It’s amazing the intimacy that this brings.  Something that only he and I know about our relationship, that all it takes is that one look or raised eyebrow and I’m respectful and obedient.  I feel so much respect and love for this man it amazes me.  I feel so cared about and secure and protected.  Even during a punishment, when it hurts and I am crying, and I’m sorry for what I have done, I still have that cared for and protected and loved feeling. 

And it all feels really good.  We have rules, we have boundaries and we have consequences.  I feel safe.  I feel in control.  Not in the sense that I am controlling him or leading our lives, but I feel in control of me, of my actions because he is there, behind me holding me up. 

But then he throws a spanner in the works and suddenly, it feels like he is way ahead of me, and I’m running to catch up to him on our DD journey.

He implements a whole new punishment to be administered last night and in the future whenever he decides to use it.

My weigh in was last night.

I failed.  I gained nearly 1kg.  I know how I’ve done it.  I have become complacent and with it being Easter and then a whole week off work, one thing and another.  Well 1kg can be very quickly gained.

Oh yes, Paddy the paddle was coming out and did come out to visit with me last night that was for sure.

But Sir decided that as an extra punishment, he was withdrawing sexual favours from me.  And that if I didn’t get up and do my exercises this morning, then it would be withdrawn from me again tonight too.  (Yes, is the answer to your question, I did get up and exercise)

Urggghhhhhhh this is painful, not in the physical sense but in the emotional sense.   I need to rise above my initial reaction of hurt and rejection and see it for what it is.   An incentive to be healthy and fit and I have to dig deep within me to follow his lead, to trust his judgement, to accept this punishment, whenever he so chooses with respect and love and obedience. 

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

My email to Sir seemed to have worked.  I think; I hope.  He read a little of it and I talked to him about a little of it…so between the two, I think maybe we have worked out the difference between punishment and maintenance.  I think I can see light at the end of the tunnel. 

Speaking of punishments - I was punished last night!  (It’s funny how I can easily submit to a punishment, when I know it’s a punishment).

The paddle and two tails - Urggh.!!

And I got corner time too

BUT I so deserved it, I suppose.

I don’t have many rules and do you think I could follow two of them?  No!  Duh me!!

 

I didn’t do the dishes at teatime on Sunday and then I didn’t do the dishes again at breakfast on Monday morning either.  Plus I didn’t exercise Monday morning, (nor did I do it Monday night after work either).  The kitchen was a complete mess when I left for work.  It was like a bomb had hit it.

I got a rather angry phone call later in the afternoon from Sir  telling me in no uncertain terms that I was getting 15 strokes for not doing my exercise and another 5 for not doing the dishes.

I got home and he added to my chores.  So, not only did I have to do the dishes from the morning and the night before, I had other stuff to do too “to teach me a lesson”, I was told.  Once those were done, Sir told me to go the bedroom and wait for him.  When he came in he asked me to bend over the bed and he paddled me, and spanked me with "two tails" and told me off and gave me corner time.  He made me count the strokes and I had to say thank you sir after each one.  Ow ow ow!!! He got to 15 and then went back 5.  "No fair Sir....ow ow ow...yes Sir thank you Sir" He got to 20 and went back another 5!!!!  "ow ow ow yes Sir thank you Sir"

But I stayed in position, I submitted to him willingly.

This morning, my behind is sore, the kitchen is gleaming as I left for work, and my muscles were aching from my 40 minute session of aerobics.

Can you see your reflection in my halo – its shining that brightly?  I am actually quite proud of myself for submitting and then making sure I followed through this morning.  I hope I can keep it up.  I certainly feel very submissive today.  Wonderful feeling.  So content and at peace and happy.

I want to get my grove back

I was so looking forward to maintenance this week, but when it actually came down to it I panicked and refused.  I burst into tears and he stood there at the end of the bed demanding that I get into position.  I don’t know what is wrong with me.  I want to get my grove back.

It started on Saturday.  We went fishing; picked a bad spot which had a lot of rocks under the waves that he couldn’t see and we lost a lot of some gear.  Sir got really mad at me for not listening and learning.  When this happens I feel resentful.  I took it that he was blaming me for the rocks.  I was doing the best I could and it wasn’t good enough for him.  I get distant and sulk cry.  I withdraw and get stubborn and I wouldn’t go back and continue fishing, until he absolutely pushed me to.  Then we started catching fish and the day ended in smiles.  Well until I had to climb back up the cliff face and I didn’t go as fast as he wanted me to.  Hummmmph!!!

He told me later that night at home, that beause of my attitude I was so “in for it” when maintenance day came around (the next day).  This is when I realized he just doesn’t understand.   I blurted out to him, "you just don’t get it.  If I do something wrong that you think deserves punishment, punish me that day if we can.  Don’t wait for Sunday (our set day for maintenance).  Maintenance isn’t punishment.  There is a difference".  The conversation pretty much ended there, he said he did get it and that was that.  Nothing else was said or done.

Sunday was not too bad; we went horse riding, which I thoroughly enjoyed (though my thighs are complaining today).  Bedtime came around and we climbed into bed to finish watching a movie together.  No mention of maintenance was said.  I was relieved to be honest.  I felt he was being lenient with me for Saturday.  He hadn’t punished me for my attitude.  So I was grateful for that and I am learning not to question him about it.  It’s his decision.  Or maybe I’m taking advantage because right at the start he did say to me it’s my responsibility to remind him when he says I’m in trouble – and I’m not doing this on the pretense I’m learning to accept his decisions. 

I set the alarm clock and asked him was I getting up in the morning to exercise?  He jumped up out of bed and said “Oh I’m supposed to be caning you”.  He grabbed the cane and the paddle and I just froze.  I just didn’t want to do it.  He whacked the bed cover a few times with the cane telling me to just get to the end of the bed.  I got out of bed, there was a large red mark where the cane had “got me” through the duvet.  I started to cry asking him to please I don’t want to do it tonight”.  He finally relented and held me tight while I cried softly into his chest.  He said he can see he is just going to have to force me.  He doesn’t want to stop this.  He said it’s just as well for me that he is a big softie and he let me off for the night, but its happening tonight.

And herein lays the dilemma for me.   I dont want to top from the bottom.  I'm really trying hard not to do that.  I know I should have submitted to maintenance, punishment whatever it was last night.  And now I feel really guilty about it.  The fact that I refused to submit would/should be enough to warrant a punishment in itself.   But where is the line that is drawn between just being bratty and not submitting to truly not being able to submit for whatever the reason, physical or mental. 

I have searched my soul this morning and this is the email I have sent to Sir.  I really think he delivers maintenance as if it’s a punishment.  And rather than trying to force me into position like he threatened, if he had just sat down, held my hand and said something along the lines like “baby, we need to do this, we need to remind you to stay on track”  OR if he wanted to punish me for the Saturday attitude issue then said that to me, that kind of thing, then maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad.  I wouldn’t have refused the way I did, but he got angry and I really, really, really didn’t want to submit to any kind of spanking after that.

Dear Sir,

Sir, I am sorry that I refused “just because” last night.

Lately I have been struggling with the severity of “just because”.  It is starting to feel like punishments.  I love being spanked, I love your dominance over me, but I don’t like punishments at all – and that is the whole point of them, to stop me doing something you don’t like or to make me do something you want me to do (like exercise for example)

Just because = a less hard spanking, on a regular basis, to remind me that you are Sir and I am submissive to you, I obey you and am respectful to you at all times.  You are the head of the house and I follow you, a reminder that if I don’t behave then it could be a whole lot worse.  A spanking hard enough for me to take notice but not so hard as to feel like a punishment.   A spanking that could be over the knee, or over the bed, a spanking session that includes corner time afterwards or before hand, one that includes a lecture about behaving myself, remembering who is who, making me answer yes sir thank you sir making me say you are sir and that I am to obey and be respectful and submissive to you.  A spanking where if sex follows then there is no confusion or blurred lines.  "Just because" can turn into a punishment if I have done something that day to warrant a punishment.  But you need to tell me that when the time comes.

Punishment = an immediate (or as immediate as privacy allows) hard spanking to make me understand that I have done something wrong or broken a rule or misbehaved in someway that has annoyed you and you want to teach me a lesson not to do it again.  It can include spanking (in that horrible position where my bum is high up in the air), telling off, making me say thank you sir, yes sir, making me say why I am being punished,  corner time, being sent to bed and any other punishment that you think just but preferably not sex. (Sex after a punishment can sometimes be confusing).  And if I do something that deserves punishment on any day, please remember immediate consequences – you don’t have to wait until the “just because” Sunday to carry out the punishment. 

So, maybe we could try again tonight.  If it were up to me I feel that I probably deserve a punishment rather than “just because”.     Punishment or just because – it’s entirely up to you.  xxxx

I need a gentle coaxing back into submitting to spankings whether maintenance or punishment not the heavy handed approach.

Maintenance v punishments = tears and lightbulb moments

          Verses

For the last few weeks I have been struggling with maintenance.  I haven’t been able to take the severity that Sir has been delivering.  I haven’t been able to stay in position.  This makes me feel really bad, I can see his annoyance and his impatience with me and it’s understandable always having to ask me to get back down again.   It got to the point where I thought I might call an end to it all, I started to feel that DD was not going to be for me.  I started to dread it and the two weeks it didn’t happen on the set day – it didn’t phase me and I didn’t remind him about it.  I don’t do much to warrant punishments, or if I do he is being very lenient.  So maintenance for me would be a way to remind me to behave or else it could be far worse.  But in the end maintenance was feeling more and more like punishments.  I am a spanko.  I love spanking, but I don’t like punishments at all.  So I was looking forward to maintenance and have a regular spanking session where if sex followed it didn’t confuse issues or blur lines.  Wasn’t overly hard, where perhaps I could feel subspace again.  So you can imagine how deflated I have felt with it.  It’s been nothing like that at all.  I have felt resentful with it because it’s felt like punishment.  And I have not done anything to deserve it.

And I always cry.  There are always tears.  I don’t want to cry all the time.  I find crying very soul cleansing during a punishment.  But during maintenance, it’s not exactly how I imagined it being.  FOR ME maintenance is a reconnection, a reminder to be good, a reminder of our roles and positions.  That he is Sir and I am me, I am submissive to Sir, obedient to Sir and this is what happens – only worse – when I don’t submit, obey and remain respectful.  Yes, maintenance it should be hard enough for me to take notice, but I don’t think it should feel like a punishment – unless of course I have done something that for maintenance to develop into punishment.   

I have been giving it some thought.  Last weekend, I managed to handle maintenance much better.  I still cried, of course, I think I’m becoming quite a baby and my pain threshold seems to have lessened over the last few months.   

I still get corner time.  Which even with its major cringe factor, standing there naked or at least the lower half of me naked, stinging and red, sniffling, hand above my head on the wall, nose pointing into the corner, while all the time knowing he is watching me, just waiting for the command to come to bed, I still find corner time appealing, its comforting to me.  I find it finishes off everything just nicely and then when I get the call to come out of corner time and into bed, more intimate things may develop.  Corner time I feel for me bring finality to maintenance and punishments.  I feel a bit lost when he doesn’t give me it.

Anyway, I had a bit of a light bulb moment.  I think he considers any form of spanking as punishment.  He uses maintenance as punishment and that is how it feels.  It feels like punishment.

I have talked to him and hopefully he will be little more lenient. I know a lot of people will say it’s entirely up to him how he administers punishments and maintenance, but I feel that I have a right to voice my opinion.  I have a right to say if it’s too much.  And it has been getting too much.  Last weekend, he took it fairly easy on me at first, which helps to let things build up.  It also lasts longer (which is great for any spanko) and so I get that feeling of reconnection much more easily.  It also means that even though it’s Friday and Sunday maintenance is  two days away, I'm not looking for ways to wriggle out of it now, I’m not dreading it like I was beginning to.  I'm actually looking forward to our maintenance session on Sunday and it's a good feeling.

Decisions decisions

Dear Diary

Wednesday 11/4/12

I tried so hard to be good over Easter and for the most part I was….I even handled maintenance better than usual.  Maintenance was the paddle, cane and two tails and corner time.  I so love corner time these days, it makes me feel so secure and balanced…not sure if that is the right word but I know what I mean anyway.  It still has that "cringe" factor...the fact that I am standing there, bottom bared and red and sniffling while he is watching me....but that comfort feeling...is nice.

Yesterday I was awful though.  I was pretty mad too.  I was mad at Sir for something he did which I thought was very selfish but that didn’t excuse me from calling him a DICK.  I shouldn’t do that, not at all, and certainly not in public while we were out visiting friends.

But I got away with it.  Even though last night he commented that I had been very cheeky since Sunday and had a bad attitude.  He let me get away with it, well if you call a hard slap on the bare leg getting away with it, then yes I got away with it.  Even though going to bed I thought to myself “uh oh I’m so in for it”.  I wasn’t. 

I have argued with Little Miss all weekend as well, even this morning and that resulted in us both being “told off”.

I am now feeling like maybe he should have punished me.  I don’t know should I mention this to him, ask him, or leave it.  I feel a bit guilty for calling him names.  BUT I was so mad and when I get mad I lose all sensibility.  And walls build up and defences get high and wham I let go without thinking and then later regret it.  I wish I could find my submissiveness.  I wish I could alter my attitude myself without the need for the paddle.

I am so good at being obedient.  Doing as I am told, fetching stuff for Sir, looking after him, even following rules (really rather good these days), but it’s my attitude that now needs working on.  Especially when I get mad at something.  I put up the walls, I distance myself from him and then I let out a volley of verbal "bad attitude".  And he lets is slide.  I wish he were stricter with me over this issue.

I have written everything down in my accountability book.  We have extra kids staying this week – well, until Friday so I guess any punishment might have to wait until then.  I think I would prefer it with the kids that are staying.  They belong to the Thorn.  So I really don’t want any hint of anything getting back to the Thorn.

But I think I deserve punishment for the bad attitude….to ask or not to ask…

what do they say about decisions determining your destiny....

*sigh*