Tuesday 18th October
It would seem that I have nothing to worry about with BDSM and his intentions with DD. He made it perfectly clear over the weekend that he is more than serious with DD. I got into trouble twice
:( both Saturday and Sunday. Ouch! AND - get this - he has found a new implement and named it "attitude changer". It’s a fiberglass rod for plants that he intends to cut down to more "useable" size and its left to sit in the corner of the bedroom for me to see. He used it on me on Sunday morning and it brought me to immediate tears - it hurts badly. I need to learn to behave. I have to admit that by the time he had finished on Sunday morning it was like "man, I’ve had enough, I just want to behave".
Unfortunately I did give in to temptation when I was provoked on Friday afternoon and I KNOW I should have just kept my mouth shut and been the bigger person - but words just flew out of my mouth before I could stop them. So I am in trouble for that - but it hasn’t happened yet.
Saturday night he caned me for my attitude basically and despite my protests that we had three kids in the next room he just told me to be quiet and to bury my face in the pillow and DO NOT MAKE A NOISE! Easier said than done with the cane raining down ....but I guess I deserved it.
I struggle to do as I am told, I talk back, and I behaved badly on Friday. I also got out of bed in the middle of the night on Friday night upset about something which is another rule broken.
I’m disobedient, and have a bad attitude sometimes. I have not done any exercise - even though he has fixed the remote and weight loss - well of course not (she says dunking her choccy biscuit in her tea). I have not done the dishes as im supposed to on a morning, I dont do my chores regularly enough. He hates the cats being on the bench and I know I should shoo them but I dont.
Oh and another big one that I feel really bad about is we had his step son staying for the weekend and I wasn’t mean to him but I did tell him off probably more harshly than was needed :( I shouldn’t do that just because don’t like his mother.
We didn’t do weekly accountability on Sunday but maybe it was because he had already used the rod on me earlier in the day. But I do know that I haven’t kept my book up to date last week and he was reading it last night and noticed it wasn’t up to date. So I quickly wrote in it and he read it and just said "uh huh" all sinister like. SO I know I have a big one coming. In fact this weekend we will have two weeks worth of accountability to discuss.
I think I’m going to need a discipline session. I’m feeling so off track it’s not funny. I try so hard. I want to please him. I yearn for that good girl and seeing him pleased with me. Wish me luck
Engineers do as engineers do: I was reading your post with great interest and just reflecting on the differences how things work on you and melinda when I read: "Even though he has fixed the remote...." From that point on I lost my concentration. What was it? Did she suggest him to fix it? How did he open it? and does it close now or is it held by tape now? Any way happy your remote has a new lease of life.
ReplyDeleteOn a serious note, I you are very critical about your self. So I think you will be that good girl you want to be. You just need to find what works for you and know what you want. There seems to be progress there.
Good luck, Kiwi! We know you're working hard on this.
ReplyDeleteYou'll get there Kiwi! That good girl is right in there, lurking away but so much has changed--from you driving DD to him taking over. It's all overwhelming. I went through a couple weeks where I felt like I just wasn't keeping up my side of our agreement. I couldn't do anything right. My husband was kinda sweet. Each night he made me tell him one thing that I'd done right that day. I still got spanked for the other stuff, but he found ways to encourage me and motivate me to move towards two and then three things right in a day. Keep trying...you really will get there.
ReplyDeleteGood luck Kiwi. You can do it.
ReplyDeleteKiwi, you almost wrote a list for yourself of the things you feel need attention. You can't fix what's past, but maybe you could start working on the ones you can still do something about...get the journal updated, do the dishes in the morning, your chores, mind your temper. I'd imagine seeing an improved effort on your part would mean a lot to him. Sara
ReplyDeleteLOL at Elder's first paragraph :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Susie, now that your control of everything is slowly slipping away it can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed. Trust me I know lol!
Keep at it :) it sounds like you both are doing great in terms of progress....... it's all a learning, growing experience.
Dee x
ELDER: LOL an engineer through and through. I cant answer your questions though sorry, i just know he fiddled (my technical term) with it and now it works, darn it! But yes progress is being made :)
ReplyDeleteRICHPERSON: thank you for your words of encouragement :)
SUSIE: Exactly. Good idea that he made you point out good stuff. Ill try that this weekend when he is making me read the book - ill drop in some good stuff ive done too ;) Thanks for the encouragement.
JOEY: Thank you :)
SARA: Yes you are right, im polishing my halo as we speak and hopefully it will stay in place for a while. Thank you for your encouragement.
DEE; Things are certainly changing as he grows more and more confident in his role. Its a huge continual learning curve, one i figure will never stop. ITs great. I just hope i can live up to his expectations.
Good luck when your next accountability comes up. Sounds like you might need it!
ReplyDeleteThanks Lea: Yup he said the other night we have two weeks worth to discuss....mmmmmm
ReplyDelete