Power shifts

They hold the power in their hands.  We, as loving faithfully adoring wives, give them that with our consent to spank us.  When we first approach them with this lifestyle and they agree to it and rules are formed and boundaries set and we get the first punishment spanking, when they suddenly start to run with it and things evolve, even when we find the courage to ask for a spanking, the power they hold is tremendous. 

What are we supposed to do when that power shifts?  How are we meant to feel?  It’s not a pleasant feeling.  It’s uncomfortable, it’s nerve wracking, and it’s like indecision nothing secure or safe…balancing.  One wrong word, step and the whole thing of DD comes crashing down around your ears. 

A power shift happened in our house last night and I’m not coping well with it.   Well, lots of things have happened since then and I am now in turmoil and it’s resulted in me just emailing my husband and asking him to paddle me tonight….urgghhh!  Maybe that is what it will take to balance things up again, to shift the power back to Sir. 

It started with the up coming haircut.  We have separate bank accounts.  I earn more than he does at the moment, but it’s just a temporary thing.   It’s just the way it is.  It’s not a big deal for us.  We share living costs as equally as we can and usually things work out really well.  However this hair cut of mine is going to be expensive.  (I can’t believe just how much hairdressers cost these days) anyhow…I asked him for a contribution towards it, which wouldn’t normally be a problem.  But he had spent all his money.  He had nothing left to give me.  I couldn’t believe it.  In one day, all his left over was gone.  I asked him what he had spent it on.  Respectfully of course, I didn’t interrogate him.  I just asked him and he couldn’t remember.  I was annoyed.  I have to say.  I really was.  I think as a submissive wife we are allowed to be annoyed at our HOHs.  I wasn’t disrespectful.  I didn’t yell or swear.  I was just annoyed.

I went quiet and pondered for a while and a little later I asked him if we could talk.  This money rule is not working very well.  I think he has less will power than me.  So I suggested that I take back access to the card.  I suggested that he keep his left over few dollars for his own spending money.  I will still keep to the grocery budget.  I will not go silly and just spend and spend.  But I feel that I am possible stronger than he is in keeping control of the finances, so we are trying it like this for a while.  But it was me making all the decisions.  He just went along with it.  OK I'll be fair, he didn't just go along with it.  He agreed for now we will give it a try.

That got me thinking.  The balance of power had shifted and it was uncomfortable.  I felt nervous and a bit worried.  I don’t want to be dominant, make rules; I don’t even want to be equal.  I want him to lead, make rules, and be the boss so to speak.  I wanted to make sure he was still willing to spank for other infractions, if the money rule was off the table.  I asked him later that night if he still was willing for other stuff in a hushed whisper in the dark of the night just on the brink of sleep (gee I can pick my times to talk I know) he said he was but he didn’t sound too sure to me.

I woke up early this morning.  Something was (still is) niggling at me in the pit of my stomach.  Something is not quite right.  This thing with this money and the fact the he couldn’t remember what he had spent it on.  It felt like I was being fobbed off.  That he was hiding something.   How can he not remember what he had bought only that very day?  I was up early to do my step aerobics.     I usually switch the computer on ready for him when he gets up.  So after I exercised, I did just that.  Then I did something really, really stupid.  And now I can see how sneaky it looks. 

I am very ashamed of it.  I checked his bank account.  Or at least I tried to.  I managed to incorrectly type the access code 3 times and then it locked me out completely.

I told him as soon as he got up.  But he got mad at me.  He accused me of going behind his back and being sneaky.

I can see now how it looks.  I should have just waited until he was awake.  But, I didn’t.  And now I feel as guilty as sin.  I emailed him and apologized.  I told him I didn’t mean to do it sneakily and asked him to paddle me for it.  The phone rang not more than 10 minutes after I sent the email.  It was Sir.  All he said was I got your email.  I love you and yes you are going to get the paddle for what you did this morning.  He said goodbye and then hung up. 

So now here I am its lunchtime.  I’m anticipating a hard paddling tonight for my actions this morning.  (Only it wont be with my jeans on that's for sure) Maybe this is what I need to have the power shift back again.  I seriously didn’t mean to “go behind his back” and sneakily look into his account.  Neither of the accounts are a secret from one another, I just couldn’t remember the code for his, and I typed it in wrong.  He has a point.  I should have waited for him to wake up. 

It’s been one of those mornings, ever since I felt the power shift yesterday over the money rule, I woke up thinking something wasn’t quite right, that gut feeling.  Maybe it wasn’t that there was something wrong, maybe its just I’m not used to having some power back in my hands and it tail spun me.   Rules and boundaries have changed and it has taken some getting used to. 

I guess I will see how I feel this time tomorrow.  Will the paddling have the same effect even though I have asked for it, rather it coming from him?  I wish it had come from him.  But it seems like he didn’t even think about it this morning.  I hope it still has an effect.  I am sure it will.  I am sure the lecture and the telling off will get me in that “mind space” it’s supposed.  My guilty feelings have gotten me half way there….he will do the rest tonight. 

I want the balance of power to be shifted back into his corner.  I don’t want it at all.  It feels like roller coaster ride and I was never a fan of them anyway.

Copy Catting...

At the risk of copy catting, Sweetgirl has inspired me.

Haircut time.

I have not had my hair cut in over a year.  It's the longest its been...ever! 

But it's time!

Sir doesn't really want me to get it cut.  BUT at the same time He didn't actually say NO.

SO on a spur of the moment decision I am booked into to a salon that I have never used before for tomorrow lunchtime to get something between this

and this

I'm thinking, the fringe from pic number 2 and the length and shape from pic number 1.  My hair is probably about the length of pic number 2 now so it's time for a really good cut...but not too short.

Thank you Sweetgirl, my friend.

Let's just hope it doesnt result in a



especially when I tell him how much it is going to cost ...that would be a double  O u c h!

Weigh in up date

Yeah, I did it. 

Weigh in last night and it was a great success

I lost 1.2kgs (about 2 ½ lbs) this week and it included a fair amount of indulgences…all counted for and marked down.

I even did 3 lots of step aerobics which is a wow for me.

It makes me feel like I can do anything.

Sir is very proud and happy with me.  No disappointment, or lecture or spanking. Just a great big pat on the back.

So, here goes for this week…..

Month of March - question time.

There is a rumour in blogland the month of March is question time.

Not one for missing out, I thought I would jump on the bandwagon.

So fire away, readers, lurkers, commenters alike, ask what you will and I will do my best to answer.

Great Expectations

I expected to gain last night at Weight Watcher.  And I did.  I gained 700g.  Half of what I lost in my first week.

It's not a lot but still a gain.  Disappointing, and especially so as it was only my second week.  Back to square one…well not quite but still a step back.   I think I know what I did wrong.  I didn’t exercise (enough); I have obviously miss-pointed some things and my portion sizes are still too big. 

As expected, Sir was not impressed. 

As expected I was in trouble.

As expected I got the cane. 

I was expecting (needing) to be told to go the bedroom and wait for him, in position.

I was expecting (needing) to lay there, to wait for him and then when he came in, to me to tell me off about the weight gain, to be admonished, to be told to do better.

I was expecting (needing) a good hard spanking for my lack of effort during the week, 2o for 20 (or more)

I was expecting (needing) to be stood in the corner to contemplate and plan the next week and how I would make it different.

Unexpectedly I didn’t get a telling off.

Unexpectedly I didn’t get corner time.

Unexpectedly I only got 7 strokes for 700g gain and not the 20 for 20.

Unexpectedly he wanted to make love afterwards.  He told me he can’t help it after he has spanked me, he just gets so turned on (I am not about to complain or say no to that).

Some people will say go with the flow, you were punished, accept it and move on.

Some people will say talk to him, it wasn’t quite what you needed or expected.

To quote William Shakespeare:

It’s so true.  My heart is aching a little today.  Not in the broken hearted sense, not in the sad sense, but in a longing sense, a sense that something was missing, something was not quite right.  A need was not met.  I’m not sad.  My heart is not broken.  Things are good between us.  I just have this longing. 

I think expectations only lead to disappointment and perhaps I shouldn’t have expectations anymore.  He knows I need this lifestyle.  He knows when and how to punish me and has done so.  It’s now my job to submit and accept whichever way he does that…and each time is going to be different.  I know this.   I do think there is a difference between submitting to how where and when he decides to punish me and going with the flow to asking for something I need if I’m not getting it, though.   So I did ask  him when we were snuggling down for sleep, could he please tell me off more next time I’m in trouble and getting a spanking (ooh it is still so hard to say those words still).  He said of course he can.  Maybe last night he was just tired, maybe he thought he had expressed his disappointment enough earlier on in the evening and just wanted to get the punishment done (it was getting a bit late).   Or maybe the difference is in what he thinks is a punishable offence as opposed to what I think is a punishable offence.  Maybe I am harder on myself than he is.  I have noticed a big difference when I do something wrong and he takes the initiative to punish me as to when I have asked him to hold me accountable for something – like weight loss as opposed to when I have left my cell phone in my handbag and missed a number of calls from him and he is hopping mad when I get home. 

So this week I am going to try really hard to stay on track and lose weight, I'll try to be good so as not to get into trouble and try hard to submit to his decisions in all respects of our life together from everyday stuff to when he feels a need to punish me. 

Fingers crossed.

I have a bad feeling about this....

It’s D-Day. 

Weigh In day.

And I’m not feeling so optimistic about it. I can feel the shadow of the grim reaper bearing down on me.

The week started off well.  Controlled, points counted, even some exercise.  But I needed a little “motivation” to do it, which looked a little like this - Sir and I.

But then things turned a little crazy over the weekend, for some reason.

I was warned last night that “rest assured” Sir will deal with me tonight if I haven’t lost any weight this week.  I am thinking that I am so "dead meat"!

 Kiwi.

Silent Punishments...

Don’t you just hate them?  I know I do.  I had one last night.  I deserved the punishment, I really did.   But it hasn’t made me feel any better.  I will explain.

I had a horrible weekend.

Last week Sir

in front of me, something that means the world to me.  Something I THOUGHT meant the world to him.  (I now realize it still does but at the time, well it was just about the end of the world to me and I reacted that way). 

On Saturday, he dropped the    bombshell and

and took it away (for the time being) I started to tail spin. 

I could feel the storm brewing in side of me as I sat silent and still, wiping away tears as we drove home.

I was very sad

And I was .

We got home and we argued and then he talked to me, he touched me, held my hand, little gentle touches here and there as we talked.  I sat on the end of the bed and cried silent tears and he lay and reached out his hand to touch mine.  He had no idea I was crying.  I didn’t tell him I was crying.  He was tired, he had had very little sleep the night before and so he crashed and I left him to sleep.  He thought we were OK.  He thought he had explained himself but he hadn’t, not properly.   I wrote him a letter and what made it worse he read it but didn’t say a word about it.  I kind of exploded at that point.  Tears, angry words, threats of leaving, the works.  And what made it worse, this was in front of the kids.

We made friends by the end of the night.  We didn’t go to bed angry.  He explained his reasons and they made sense.  He fixed my heart up with bandages and kind words and love.

Sunday was not too bad.  Kids didn’t seem any worse for wear and we were getting along.  He had explained things to me again and his explanation of why he temporarily took away my carrot makes perfect sense.  I don’t like it, but I do understand it.  And I admit I did over react. 

Sunday was as usual maintenance night.  I still felt bad about the previous day.   I wrote down in my accountability book what happened and why I thought it should be recorded.   He shouldn’t let me say things like that in front of the kids.  He shouldn’t let me get into such a state.  I got the room ready with pillows and the book

Bedtime finally came around.  He read my book.  He bent me over the bed and I was punished.

But no words were said.  It hurt, of course and I think he was quite harsh.  The tears came

easily.  But he was silent except when I forgot to say Thank you Sir.

Then, when the caning was over, came my usual corner time that is supposed to turn me back into an angel

Then it was sleep time.  He stepped up.  I am grateful for that.  But I do so hate silent punishments.  I need words, I need the lecture.  I absolutely needed it last night.  I don’t feel quite right today.

He was not very well last night and he is still not well today. I would talk to him but I don’t want to sound ungrateful for what he does.  I do appreciate that he steps up when I step out of line.  I don’t want to ask him for words.  I don’t want to sound as though I’m complaining.  He wasn’t well but still he took me to task last night. 

I don’t feel secure and I don’t feel like I have my safety net.  I feel like any moment now he is going to leave.  Its all in my head, I know this.  It will be OK.  He will be well again and all the little things he says and does to make me feel secure will be back.  But right now.....well.

Grounded!

Friday 9th March 2012

Growing and learning …in leaps and bounds... is what my HoH is doing.

It’s hard and it’s frustrating for me at times but it feels ever so good at the same time.  We women are such complex creatures aren’t we?

I am in trouble again *sigh*….and I am grounded from my computer chess game *sigh*…because I spent too much time on it and didn’t get my morning chores done yesterday and I ended up running late.

*BIG sigh*

This morning the computer was there and I’m sure I heard it call out “come play with me”.  I admit I was ever so tempted.  He wouldn’t know.  He was still sleeping. 

But then …

I didn’t.  My good girl angel was in full form and I did my chores instead.

I wonder how long I’m grounded for.  He won’t tell me, just until further notice he said.  But he did say I was a good girl this morning when I woke him up with a cuppa and told him.

What a feeling, huh?

Worth it? 

Absolutely yes!  but I still miss my chess

Be careful what you wish for...

Wednesday 7th March 2012

OK.  Well firstly let me share the good news. My weigh in was fabulous.  I lost 3 ½ pounds in my first week and that included a party I attended on the weekend with lots of nibbles and drinks…but I was good and pointed everything.  But it also included very little exercise.  Of course the one day I was “encouraged” to go for a brisk walk by Sir he claims did the trick…well maybe I’ll concede…it helped.

As I said yesterday I was in a very mischievous mood and craving a spanking.  Oh be so careful what you wish for.  I didn’t end up asking – although I had plans on doing just that.  Instead I got myself into some serious trouble.

I did something don’t ask me why because it’s one of those occasions where I just don’t know why that I have been told in the past not to do.  I told him about it just in everyday conversation, not by way of confession as I just didn’t feel guilty about it I sure did by the end of the evening.  He was aghast at what I had done.  I got told off but then to add insult to injury I got cheeky about it.  Which he didn’t tolerate.  This is all over the telephone by the way.  He told me I was so in trouble when I got home.

After we hung up and that sickly feeling settled for the rest of the in my stomach I text him something along the lines of I hope getting into trouble also meant a telling off.

Nothing was said until bedtime.  He has told me in the past that when he tells me I’m in trouble then it’s my responsibility to get things ready so that he is reminded.  So, about an hour or so before we went to bed I laid out the pillows at the end of the bed.    I didn’t pick an implement – perhaps I should have done.

“What’s up?” he asked with his eyebrow raised, as we went to bed and he saw the pillows.

“You said I was in trouble, Sir” I replied.

“That’s, right, you are, tell me what you have done?”

I answered his question.

“Oh, that’s right, yes you are in serious trouble for that, now bend over the pillows”

*sigh*

Why is it those words “bend over” no matter what, make me smile….is it the spanko in me, is it nervousness, or embarrassment at what is about to happen that makes me smile like that each and every time.  I wasn’t smiling for very much longer after that I can tell you.

I walked to the end of the bed and bent over the pillows and gripped the bed cover.  He got down the cane and lifted up my nightgown with the crook end or it and laid it over my back.  He then proceeded to give me a very serious lecture about what I did before I felt the first swipe of the cane.  He continued with the telling off, making me answer him and when I didn’t I’d get an extra hard swipe or two.   He proceeded to cane me and lecture me and then the tears came, the apologies and promises not to do it ever again.  And then I was told to get in the corner where I had to spend an extended amount of time to “considering my actions and how it made Sir feel to do what I did”. 

Afterwards I felt very sorry for what I had done, for making Sir feel like he did.  I stared at the wall while I was standing in the corner, wishing that I had thought about my actions first.  I hadn’t meant to hurt his feelings.  I didn’t want him to be angry at me.  Finally, finally he called me to him to get into bed.  I was very quiet and subdued.  He lay next to me just watching the rest of his TV programme.  Then he demanded I give him a blow job.  Which, of course I did; and of course the inevitable happened I got a little, well you know.  But he refused me.  “Sex is a reward for a good girl.  You are being punished” 

Then he snuggled me and we slept.  This morning I certainly didn’t wake up wanting to poke the bear that is for sure.  He asked me was I OK because I was very quiet?  I simply said that I was being quiet so that I didn’t get into trouble…”That’s sensible” he said to me. 

All is good between us.  It’s forgotten about and I have been forgiven.  The slate is wiped clean.  It is certainly something I will think twice about if I ever do it again.  I’m not planning on it. 

One thing he did say to me last night afterwards was that he said I love it.  Yes it’s true.  I’m a spanko and I love being spanked.  BUT I don’t like punishments.  Maybe it is time that I explained this to him.  Even though it’s what I have asked for, I don’t like getting punished.  I don’t like the pain in that scenario.  I don’t like his anger or his disappointment in me.  I LOVE his dominance, that fact that he cares enough to act on something I have done, but the actual act of punishment, no I don’t love that.   

The moral of this story – be careful what you wish for, for it may just come true.  But I love it.