Silent Punishments...

Don’t you just hate them?  I know I do.  I had one last night.  I deserved the punishment, I really did.   But it hasn’t made me feel any better.  I will explain.

I had a horrible weekend.

Last week Sir

in front of me, something that means the world to me.  Something I THOUGHT meant the world to him.  (I now realize it still does but at the time, well it was just about the end of the world to me and I reacted that way). 

On Saturday, he dropped the    bombshell and

and took it away (for the time being) I started to tail spin. 

I could feel the storm brewing in side of me as I sat silent and still, wiping away tears as we drove home.

I was very sad

And I was .

We got home and we argued and then he talked to me, he touched me, held my hand, little gentle touches here and there as we talked.  I sat on the end of the bed and cried silent tears and he lay and reached out his hand to touch mine.  He had no idea I was crying.  I didn’t tell him I was crying.  He was tired, he had had very little sleep the night before and so he crashed and I left him to sleep.  He thought we were OK.  He thought he had explained himself but he hadn’t, not properly.   I wrote him a letter and what made it worse he read it but didn’t say a word about it.  I kind of exploded at that point.  Tears, angry words, threats of leaving, the works.  And what made it worse, this was in front of the kids.

We made friends by the end of the night.  We didn’t go to bed angry.  He explained his reasons and they made sense.  He fixed my heart up with bandages and kind words and love.

Sunday was not too bad.  Kids didn’t seem any worse for wear and we were getting along.  He had explained things to me again and his explanation of why he temporarily took away my carrot makes perfect sense.  I don’t like it, but I do understand it.  And I admit I did over react. 

Sunday was as usual maintenance night.  I still felt bad about the previous day.   I wrote down in my accountability book what happened and why I thought it should be recorded.   He shouldn’t let me say things like that in front of the kids.  He shouldn’t let me get into such a state.  I got the room ready with pillows and the book

Bedtime finally came around.  He read my book.  He bent me over the bed and I was punished.

But no words were said.  It hurt, of course and I think he was quite harsh.  The tears came

easily.  But he was silent except when I forgot to say Thank you Sir.

Then, when the caning was over, came my usual corner time that is supposed to turn me back into an angel

Then it was sleep time.  He stepped up.  I am grateful for that.  But I do so hate silent punishments.  I need words, I need the lecture.  I absolutely needed it last night.  I don’t feel quite right today.

He was not very well last night and he is still not well today. I would talk to him but I don’t want to sound ungrateful for what he does.  I do appreciate that he steps up when I step out of line.  I don’t want to ask him for words.  I don’t want to sound as though I’m complaining.  He wasn’t well but still he took me to task last night. 

I don’t feel secure and I don’t feel like I have my safety net.  I feel like any moment now he is going to leave.  Its all in my head, I know this.  It will be OK.  He will be well again and all the little things he says and does to make me feel secure will be back.  But right now.....well.