Dear Diary...a spank free christmas

a spank free Christmas was my goal.

I managed to get through Christmas day without being spanked. Even though a spanking was threatened, I did manage to get through the day without one.  Yeah for me.   But boxing day well, I couldn't keep it up could I.  No.  I broke that stupid rule because I was rushing around trying to get everything ready for another family get together and I left a wet towel on the bed.  A cardinal rule...broken...despite trying my hardest.
And despite my parents being here, and the kids running around I found myself over the end of the bed being caned. 

And afterwards he shrugs, and smiles at me as i wipe away my tears.  That "knowing" smile that says to me behave yourself.

And its not so much the caning that bothered me, it hurt yes of course, but knowing my parents were down stairs and there I was bent over the pillows on the bed, skirt up over my back and my knickers pulled down around my ankles, holding tight to the bed covers, eyes tight shut as the cane swished and swooshed and cracked down on to my bottom.  It was quite humiliating.  But punishments are meant to be humiliating I guess.

And today...I sit here writing this with a sore bottom again.  Out came the paddle and the cane, but he only used the cane.  Sir really likes the cane at the moment.  Anyway, i deserved it.  I told him a little white lie and he found out.  And then he discovered Id bought a DVD without his permission.  Its only a little rule but still a rule.  I have a million DVD's.  At the start of this lifestyle he decided that enough was enough, no more DVD's without permission.  I really didn't think he would mind, but of course he did.  My punishment was swift and sharp...boy it hurt.  The strokes of the cane came down very hard and very VERY quick.  He told me afterwards that from now on if I don't confess immediately and he finds out then to expect very swift and hard consequences.  Even just writing my infraction in my book is not good enough.  I have to tell him immediately.

I have another appointment with the paddle on Sunday - maintenance day and I don't suppose for one minute he will go easy on me....we are child free and parent free - the whole house to ourselves.
I'd better behave tonight and tomorrow. Actually a good hard session will probably do me the world of good.  But sssh dont tell Sir I said that.

And now I'm signing off for the night....the new remake of Dallas is about to start and I may have been a naughty girl today and on boxing day but Sir hasn't said i couldn't watch it....so I'm off to watch it.
Night all.

Here it is, Merry Christmas

It's almost upon us.  That time of year.  Mums are frantic with stress, kids are like jumping beans full of energy and excitement waiting for the big fella to come.  And our HOH's have very itchy palms.  This time next week it will all be over with.

It's my last day at work tomorrow for 3 weeks so I probably wont get chance to post tomorrow.  I just wanted to wish everyone a very merry Christmas.  I do hope you are all not too stressed and not needing any of the above. 

Sir told me tonight before he left for work that I am getting one of these in the morning.  For last night's broken bed time rule, for this coming week with my parents staying, for maintenance just to keep me in line and on track while my parents are here.  He even said he would wake me up and get me out of bed in the morning if he gets home early, before I normally get up.  (that's what I like to hear) LOL.  It's what I need. 

I am almost done with the shopping.  Just groceries to get but that will happen on Saturday with my mum.  I need to put up the tree and wrap the presents but other than that, I think I am sorted.

So on that note, I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.








 Have fun, be safe, don't stress ... or else .... Santa might get mad....

 

A bit of a mish-mash post

My posts are now out of sync.  This is the one I planned to send,  basically a follow up to last weeks "trouble".  Its a bit of a mish-mash post, mixed up a little like the picture.  My post last night was an unplanned quickie (don't we just love those unplanned quickies hehehehe).

 

Our routine is going along.  Sir is getting used to the hours, albeit the weekends are kicking his butt at the moment.  He will get the hang of it no doubt.

 

Sir certainly got my “I just need to be spanked and sent to bed early” message that I sent him last week.  After my little “hissy-fit” on Thursday morning (already a week ago - wow) he dealt with me swiftly and efficiently on Thursday night before he went to work. 

 

Let me introduce to you all to my mortal enemy new best friend…whitetail.  Sir’s home-made implement.  She is not exactly new, but she hasn’t been out for a while.  Quite a while in fact.  She is a fiberglass rod, just like one of these, but folded into two and taped at one end to make a handle.  She is quite short and there is no "bend" in her.  So when she hits her target boy oh boy she stings.  Sir decided my attitude on Thursday needed whitetail.  So across the bed I went.  Wow she hurts.  I'd forgotten just how much.  Even just used lightly she hurts.    He got my message but by the end I certainly got his message.  Attitude – back in check.

 

On Sunday we had maintenance, which turned into punishment because he 'wasn’t watching the clock…I was and I took advantage and I was an hour late into bed before he realized.  Over the bed I went again.  I didn’t get white tail this time, but I did get the cane and two tails (our other homemade implement).  But the good new is I don’t have a bed time from this coming weekend for a couple of reasons, one my parents are coming for a visit, and secondly I’m on holiday for 3 weeks.   Yay me. 

 

Anyway, all good so far this week.  I’m an angel in the making.  OK, well maybe I was until last night and my little bedtime rule lapse.  But he hasn't dealt with it.  Probably because he got in really early this morning (still dark outside) and I was still in bed asleep, so he just climbed in and woke me up for something else  much nicer  instead (*wink wink) but did say I was still a very bad little girl for staying up late.  He asked me what I was doing...of course he doesn't know about the blog, so I said I was watching stuff on the computer...not a lie but kind of a lie....Oh God it's getting worse - I'm seriously thinking about telling him about it as this is getting out of hand.  I don't want to lie to him.

 

But I digress. The night shift is hard for me.  In fact, basically it sucks.  I miss him.  We hardly see each other.  Last week he found the time to spank when he had to.  This week not so much.  This week my parents are coming for a week's visit so our maintenance won't happen on Sunday as usual, which is when he would take into account last nights little incident and any other stuff.  I have asked if we could do it tomorrow morning (Friday) when he gets home and before I go to work.  We will see.  I hope so.  Even if he has to wake me up and get me out of bed.  I would love that dominance.  I will get things out ready for him (as is my responsibility to do anyway)  I think I really will need a session tomorrow before my parents arrive.  As much as I love them and miss them I'm stressed.  And Little Miss is coming home tomorrow too which will stress me out even more.  Last year when they came for a visit, there was a huge argument on the day before they left because of me and Little Miss and oh it was horrible.  The very day they left to go home, within the hour of them leaving, I found myself over the end of the bed being dealt with by that horrible white tail.  So I really need a reminder that if I don't reign in the stress and the control freak attitude, whitetail will happen again.  I want to avoid that, so I am going to need maintenance tomorrow morning.  I guess the only thing to do is to ask him for it.

 

Thorn has raised her spiky head once more.  She cannot just leave us alone.  And Sir, for some reason, cannot stand up to her.  I realize communication is needed with Little Miss but she really has no need to communicate with Sir unless its about Little Miss – and it never is.  Text after text after text she is sending him because she knows he is working and is away from me during the night.  Silly stupid things.  Jokes.  The odd I love you and kisses being blown.

 

I know he doesn’t reciprocate these feelings at all.  But he doesn’t put a stop to the text messages either.  I just want him to text her and tell her to stop the communication UNLESS its to do with Little Miss.  If its not about her, he doesn’t want to hear it.  I am so tempted to do something myself.  I had access to his phone this morning and I was so tempted to text her (from him) and tell her to stop.  I could also email his lawyer (as him) and ask her to do something about it too.  But at the end of the day, it has to come from him for it to have any meaning.  So I was good.  I didn’t.  I don't think he would be too annoyed at me if I did.  I think he would understand my reasoning behind doing something like that but he thinks the best way to deal with it is to just ignore it – and he is probably right.  BUT it’s not making me feel good.  And of course he is away from home now and we barely see each other – which is compounding issues.  We don’t even have time to talk about it.  It's not a conversation for the telephone while he is driving.  It’s a face to face conversation.  So, yet again, thorn is sticking her poisonous nodes into me.  And yet again I'm allowing it.  I need to develop a thicker skin over this issue.  But I figure that finally when it doesn't hurt me anymore, will be the time I don't care anymore and that may not be such a good thing.  My New Year resolution is to try and rise above and not be too affected by it.  It's his thing with her.  So long as he has Little Miss, I know he is going to have to deal with her.  So I am going to try and just let it go.

 

Part of this realization is thanks to my friend Sweetgirl, but also all my sorry little woes are put into perspective with the tragic and dreadful act in Newtown.  I have my child safe and alive and well and with me.  I have my step children alive and well.    I AM thankful for that.  Eternally  grateful.

My thoughts and prayers go out to those poor souls in Newtown.  May they rest in peace and I hope the families find some comfort in time.

 

Like I said, a bit of a mish mash.  End of year wind down I suppose.  On the whole, things are pretty good in my little household, I'm struggling but finding strength each day to cope with Sir not being around.   I hope things are good in your households too.

OMG I'm in TROUBLE

This is a really quick post.

 I have just looked at the clock.!!!

It's almost midnight.  I have been reading and commenting on blogs.  But its an hour and a half gone my bedtime. 

I spoke to Sir on the phone at 10.30 yawning and he said to go to bed and sleep.!!

OMG

I am SO in trouble!

I just need to be spanked and sent to bed early!

It's a relief.  Night shift is now well underway.  A week and a half in.  I needn’t have worried about our routine.  Sunday bedtime 10.30 came and upstairs I was marched up for maintenance (ouch) and promptly put to bed and with a warning to stay put or there would be consequences.  I got up once for a call of nature and got a bark from down stairs “back to bed” but other than that I was a pure angel.

I have actually been really good all week, except for Monday.  OH MY GOODNESS.  I broke a big rule BIG TIME.

My phone rule!  I must have always have my phone on me at all times, whether it be in my hand, on a desk next to me or tucked down my bra.

I missed 5 calls from Sir which caused him to run out of credit.  And to top that off, he had come in to see me just after lunchtime had started and had to wait for me for an hour as I had gone to lunch with my son.  Oops.  Sir was not happy.  I was given a major lecture there and then.  And when I got home that night I was given an early bed time and then he went off to work and rang me and mentioned it again and said I would be punished for it the following morning and to expect the dreaded white tail.

Well, all I can say is that I made sure I was in bed well before my bed time.  No messing around that night.  It was fitful sleep because I can’t cope with whitetail.

Thankfully the next morning he was slightly more lenient and I just got the cane.  I say just got, it still hurt and I was very remorseful but it could have been worse.

So Sir is still Sir. We are finding our new momentum.  It’s taking a little while but we will get there.

But then this morning happened.  I suppose you could say it started last night.  I didn’t sleep well.  I stayed in bed, but I didn’t sleep so well, and as a result, this morning I was tired.

Little Miss was supposed to go to school with me but then it was dad and then dad was too tired and then it was back to me.  It was getting later and later.  It takes me about 20 minutes to get to work from home.  The school detour is another 20 minutes.  I was low on gas for the car and I get a bit panicky when the gauge goes below ¼ of a tank.  SO I got a little wound up.  I can’t really be late for work, I needed to go and sort out some banking because I was adamant that I needed gas to get me to school and to work, Sir was adamant that I didn’t I would fine.  My attitude sunk to an all time low.  I yelled and cursed at him.  He didn't yell back but he made it clear he wanted to do something.  He was mad at me.  I marched out of the house with a “whatever see ya later! And then I got mad at Little Miss too – which is another rule broken.  Which he doesn't even know about yet.  I was very much the bad tempered drama queen!

Turns out, he was right and I was VERY wrong.  I got to work 2 minutes late with hardly a budge in the gas gauge.

So, I know what SHOULD happen when I get home.  We all know what SHOULD happen when I get home, right?.  I am not sure what WILL happen when I get home.  I do know before night shift then I would get it tonight for sure.  But with night shift there is no certainty.  I will of course write it in my book ready for Sunday maintenance.  So he will address it then, I do know that.  But anyway, for one thing I do owe him an apology.  I sent him a quick email this morning when I got to work…this exact one… wonder if he will get the message

Changes

I don’t like change.  Even in something as simple as bank accounts.  I don’t like change at work, I don’t like change in my personal life.  I prefer to keep things as they are, even though I know that change is good, it’s how progress is made.  But still, change is hard and scary.

Our regime is changing.  And it’s scary.  And I don’t like it.  But I am dealing with it.  I am putting on a brave face for Sir because I know it’s for the betterment of my family.  And he doesn’t need the stress of knowing I’m not overly happy.  So I am trying to keep the “bigger picture” in mind.

I am following my rules.  I’m in bed by 10.30pm, ringing Sir.  I got a “good girl” last night when I rang and he asked me where I was.  I’m doing my chores, not fighting with Little Miss (though I have to grit my teeth at times) but on the whole, so far so good (though saying that it’s only been 2 nights LOL).   Wednesday is lunch day with the girls at work, and Sir prefers it if we discuss whether I am going to go or not.  So as usual I asked him this morning.  He said yes of course, he normally does anyway, but likes me to ask, so I did.

I am scared that this change in our routine is going to change our DD dynamic.  I need immediate consequences.  Waiting until maintenance day for punishment just doesn’t work for me all that well.  The punishment loses impetus.  So when he is at home on an evening with me I get those when I have done something wrong.  But now, he is not home when I am home.  I can’t see an issue.  I don’t see what is wrong with him coming home from work and dealing with me IF there is a need.

So far I have done everything right.  But I am bound to mess up at some point.  We all do.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m going to deliberately mess up – I learnt that lesson didn’t I.  But we do eventually do mess up in some way.

I think that was the problem with me last Sunday night.  I needed reassuring that he would still deal with things, even on a morning before I went to work, if need be.  And I went about it the complete wrong way.  Instead of just having a discussion, I tested the boundaries.  Epic fail.

But I will hold fast and be patient and give it time.  I will be good and follow rules and be obedient.  There will be times when I mess up, and I hope that Sir will still do the right thing and step up.  And if he doesn’t, then I will use my words and talk rather than test.  But in the meantime it's still not easy.

Seeing right through me and lessons learned

Following on from yesterday’s post, I have time to reconsider my feelings, get over myself and to stop over analysing (thanks Sweetgirl).

Sir called in to see me at work on his way to HIS work.  We talked a little and I apologized for how I acted.  He told me there was no need to carry on like I did on Sunday night.  His last words to me were “Remember 10.30 not a minute later, and STAY in bed”

This was all I needed.

But to add to it, he rang me about 10.25pm to ask me what I was doing, and I could honestly say I was just headed up the stairs to bed so that I could ring him and say goodnight.

I am going to do my best for the rest of the week to just follow the rules.  How hard can it be?  They are easy enough.

I have been thinking about my behaviour on Sunday night.  Plainly and simply I was just being a brat.  I deliberately didn’t do what he asked of me and he saw right through me.  He saw my attempts to get his attention and rather than give me what I was angling for (yes a spanking – or at least some hint that he would stick to his guns) he gave me a real punishment which was not to give me what I was acting up for.  And I mean for goodness sake he had already spanked me and put me to bed!  What more did I need.

His words on the Monday morning were perhaps a little insensitive.  But I deserved them none the less.  He was extremely tired, and I was just a plain naughty girl. I picked the wrong moment to show my stupid insecurity with behaviour which shouldn’t have happened anyway.  Like picking daisy petals, will he step up, wont he step up.   

Sir has given me no cause to think that DD is going to stop just because he is working.  And I don’t know how many times he has said  just ask if I want a spanking. 

What do I do instead of asking?  I play up.  I leave damp towels on the bed deliberately.  And then wonder why I can’t stay in position when he does spank me for it.  It’s because I know deep down its not “real”.  I set it up.  Not everything, but yes, the damp towel 9/10 I set it up to get a reaction.

Which, is exactly what I was trying to do on Sunday night.  Set it up.  All because I’m horribly insecure.  And he saw right through me and didn’t give in. 

Good on Sir I say (now in hindsight, which is a wonderful thing, and with lots of helpful advice from my friend Sweetgirl)

I go out of my way to brat.  I test him constantly.  This just doesn’t work.  This was proved profoundly to me on Sunday night/Monday morning.

I can honestly say it’s a   ...         

Ten Commandments of Nightshift ...written in sand to be washed away

So,  this is the first day of night shift. Sir has helped me acclimatize myself to going to bed without him by enforcing a bedtime rule for me.  I wont lie and say its been easy.  Me having to go to bed while he was staying up late downstairs.  But I will say it was easier than I thought.  I actually quite liked it.  Even his barking up the stairs "Get back to bed" when I had to go to the toilet. Sir has told me that he will ensure I will stick to my bedtime rule now that he is not here on a night.  So here is what he has stipulated.  My Ten Commandments of Nightshift. 1.   Bedtime at 10.30pm with no exceptions. 2.   Phone call to Sir at 10.30 to say goodnight (and I had better be in bed when I make the call). 3.   Nightly glass of milk before bed. 4.   Exercise (step aerobics) from 1st December at least twice weekly, whether morning before Sir gets home or evening after work, I can choose. 5.   Clean up after dinner and make sure kitchen is tidy and lunches ready for the next day. 6.   Fold any laundry that has been left for me. 7.   No arguments with Little Miss whatsoever, if she is misbehaving then I am to report to Sir the next day. 8.   Don't fuss Little Miss about the clothes she chooses to wear the next day.  9.   Don't allow Little Miss to stay up past her bedtime, without express permission 10. Follow the rest of my rules.  Sir will check up on me, without exception. Sir reiterated all these  last night (Sunday night) during our maintenance session with the cane and the riding crop and then packed me soundly off to bed. This sounds all great doesn’t it?  I thought so too. Too good to be true perhaps? Well, back to bedtime, after he had finished maintenance and I got into bed, he told me that I was to stay there and if i got out he wouldn’t hesitate to bring me back upstairs and paddle me, again. I had a really bad night.  Last night he didn’t come to bed at all to make himself ready for his first shift tonight.  Sleep didn’t come easily for me.  Knowing he was downstairs.  (Tonight will actually be easier because I know he is not there - if that makes sense to anyone) I got up a couple of times to go to the toilet.  I waited with baited breath to hear his words up the said "back to bed".  They didn’t come.  Then at 4am I woke up and I had a headache and was thirsty.  So I came downstairs.  He was nice enough and asked what was wrong.  I got myself a drink and sat down for 10 minutes with him until he told me to go back to bed.  So I did, reluctantly. But he certainly didn’t follow me up to paddle me. Finally, daybreak came and my alarm goes off...not that I needed it.  I plodded downstairs and put the kettle on for a cuppa.  I asked him how he was feeling, tired but OK.

But here is where it all starts to unravel and I end up this morning in huge emotional mess.  All because he doesn’t stick to his word.  His Ten Commandments may as well be written in the sand, waiting for the tide to wash them away for all they are worth.

I mentioned that I hadn’t had a good night.  He said he heard me up and about deliberately flushing the toilet and making noises.  Then he asked "what did you want, me to come up and discipline you" but he said it in rather a condescending tone of voice, full of sarcasm and it made me feel so stupid.  I replied, "no of course not".  (Liar that I am)

But I just couldn’t give him the truth, that yes that was what i wanted, but not so much that i wanted a spanking, I just wanted to see if he would stick to his word, i needed the assurance that discipline will still continue.

He went on to say that how on earth can he tell me off when is not here to do it.  I interrupted and said he can on a morning when he comes home, he can ask me, and if I didn’t stick to the rules, then he can then decide what to do.  He asked me, What do I want, him to ring me up and insist I'm in bed.  I’m not some 7 year old running around saying "daddy, daddy look at me I’m still awake".  he carried on to say that if i want to feel tired and horrible the next day then stay up late, he is not here, its entirely up to me.

This is a complete about face of his words during the week, never mind all the things he said to me during maintenance last night.

So of course, I run upstairs to finish getting ready and have a cry without him seeing me. Because I felt so small and stupid because of this stupid need I have.   I left a wet towel on the bed (yes, again testing). 

After I pulled myself together I came back downstairs and made tea and got lunches ready, and that’s when I heard him head upstairs to bed.  Even though an hour later he would have to take his daughter to school. 

I was hurt by this, not only did he just completely ignore the towel, he just threw on the dresser, but he went to bed, didn’t even have a cup of tea with me. 

Now I know he was tired after spending a full night awake.  But I needed to know that he would still make the effort with me.  I don’t see an issue when he gets home on a morning.  I cant see the difficulty in insisting I ring him at 10.30 at night making sure I’m in bed.  Even yesterday during maintenance he said that he is insisting on me being honest and confessing to any rule breaking.

Maybe he is right.  Maybe this discipline and rules thing is just stupid and idiotic on my behalf.  I’m a grown woman who should just do the right thing all the time like any other adult.  Maybe this bedtime rule is just a step too far for him or maybe he was just tired and grumpy.  He did warn me he would be.

Regardless of whatever, he needs to choose his words more carefully.  I (like many of you guys I'm sure) find it hard enough to talk about this need we have, never mind been made to feel stupid about it from the very person we trusted implicitly with it.

I have no idea what it means now.  Do I ring him at 10.30pm tonight?  Do I continue to write in my book.  (I did this morning - about how confused I now am and how awful I am feeling) or am I now free to do just do as I please without any consequences, without any regard to Sir.  Maybe he doesn’t want to be Sir anymore.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have tested him last night.  I should have just stayed in bed, whether asleep or not.  Like he said, if I didn’t sleep then its my own fault I feel tired today.  But I just needed the reassurance that he had meant what he had said.

Obviously not.

He likes inflicting pain and beating my arse sure enough.  He loves that I do as I am told (when I do it), ask permission to do stuff and buy things. He even loves the fact that he is making me do my exercises again (under the threat of consequences if I don’t).  Last week he was great over the bedtime thing.

But this morning....it completely unravelled on me and now I feel like his words are just words in the sand, to be washed away on the next tide.

Maybe he was just tired and I picked the wrong moment.  I wish I knew.  I wish I could talk to him.  I won't see him now until tomorrow morning.  He is asleep in bed now, I am at work.  I get home and then he goes to work.  Now I don't know what to do.  I do know that I am sorry, really sorry for upsetting him and getting on his nerves and I wish I could turn the clock back and not even mention anything to him this morning.  He was tired, I was tired, it should have been about him getting used to nightshift and instead I made it about me.  I do know that I cant bring up the subject again.  Half of me wants to not bother ring him at 10.30 tonight tucked up in bed, doing as I am told, whereas the other half of me is telling me to ride it out, do as instructed and pretend this morning's conversation didn't happen.  He was very tired.  Give him a week of nights to get his system used to it and all will be well again.