My brick wall

Wednesday 23rd November 2011

I hit a brick wall yesterday. 

My brick wall in the shape of my husband. 

My husband who suddenly has decided he needs to keep me steady, safe and protected from myself and my spiraling bad behaviour.

I sometimes feel like that.  When the bad behaviour fairy strikes she sends me into a downward spiral that spins out of control until my brick wall suddenly appears and that large hand is held up that says STOP.  And I crash into it, sometimes painfully but always thankfully.

This has been me for the last two weeks, spiraling faster and faster.  I needed my husband to stop the spiral and he did yesterday, well he intended it to be yesterday and in a way it was yesterday but the full impact will be felt by me tonight, unfortunately, but on the other hand fortunately.

For two weeks running now, I have been disobedient.  Out and out disobedient.  Two blatant acts of it, completely doing what he told in no uncertain terms NOT to do.  I had my reasons and it wasn’t to brat or to test.  They were genuine reasons and I tossed and turned the reasons in my head, should I, I shouldn’t, but I need to, but he said not to, but I know better, it will be OK.  OK, Ill do it ... yes both times!

I knew he would be upset, but still I did it.  And when he found out he rang me at work, asked me why I did it when he had told me not to do it – I had no answer.  He said “I’ll see YOU later” and hung up.

This is not good, not a good sign at all. 

I got home.  After a slow drive.  He gave me the world’s biggest hug – and the longest nicest kiss, told me I was a spunky woman and that he loved me.  This made me smile and made my butterflies flutter for a very different reason than they were driving home.  But then he smiled and said

I’m going to paddle you tonight.

Be prepared, it will be long and it will be hard and it will hurt.

You disobeyed me and there will be consequences.

And then he went to finish cooking dinner.

Urggghhhhh I groan as I pick my chin up off the floor.

He later reminded me that from now on there are going to be consequences for my actions.  Whether it’s doing something I’m told not to or having a tantrum over a decision of his…

“The stomping of the feet will have painful consequences” I was told.

Then to top it off last night I was talking to my ex over an issue that still needs to be resolved and I accidentally called him darling.  I was very flustered.  He has the same name as my husband (unfortunately) and darling just slipped out because it’s now synonymous with my husband…..it’s the truth but he didn’t really buy it.  I was about to say his name when darling slipped out instead.

Arrgghhhhhhhhhhhh  I glasp my hands over my mouth in utter shock and disgust and horror at what I just said.

Oh Hell.  Please give me a knife so I can cut off my tongue.

I was so sorry and apologetic but he told me to go to bed .

What??!!  Urrrgghhh ok then.

I went to bed….and waited.

But the paddling didn’t happen. 

Sadly his cat passed away and so neither of us could face anything else for the rest of the evening.

We cried and consoled each other

And then this morning our beloved cat was buried in his favourite box with his dad’s shirt and some flowers.

He was old, and had lived a very good long life and was very well loved.  He was a beautiful cat and will be missed.

But then my rock, my brick wall, my big strong hand took me in his arms, kissed me, swatted my behind hard and told me that he had not forgotten, he still had to deal with me tonight, and that it was my responsiblity to remind him when the time comes... Thanks for that

My rock, my brick wall has pulled the brakes on my spiraling bad behaviour.  I’m content, I’m happy, I’m resigned to my fate and I’m willing to learn.