Goal adjustments

Tuesday 22nd November 2011

Can I sack my HOH?

Is that allowed?

 

First, he had me believe that I was in for a serious punishment last night because I had not done my exercises.  Fair enough.  I was wrought with anxiety all day yesterday.  He even told me he had adjusted his fiberglass rod to something extremely usable. 

Then he tells me late in the day that I might get a reprieve because he was feeling a little sniffly.

Then I am overcome with guilty feelings for telling a little white lie so I confess all to him.

SO he tells me when I get in that I am so in for it later.  *Gulp* why oh why didn’t I keep my mouth shut?  Well mainly because "coming clean" feels so much better.  Yes, yes I know.

I thought that was a good time to bring up the subject of exercise and so  I try to re negotiate my exercises goals, from 3 times a week down to once a week for the time being until I’m used to doing them.  No way, he was not having a bar of that at all.  I just have to get my arse into gear he told me.  I did manage with a lot of eyelash batting and smiles and pretty pleases to get it down to twice a week for the time being.  But it will increase.  Yeaaahhhh, such a relief.

Anyway, later arrives and he shows me his new implement.  He has cut the darned fiberglass rod in half, taped one end together to make a handle and with tape in between the two rods so there is a slight gap in between the two “tails”.

Over the bed I went.  I got three strokes in total.  Not very hard, but hard enough to bring tears to the eyes.  Then when I got up he grabbed my arm turned me around and give me another one for good measure and then I was told to get into bed.

This is really great in the fact that he followed through.  But I have to admit that I was a little disappointed.  Well that’s the wrong word, I can’t think of the right word to describe how I felt.  Yes, he followed through and that was great, but it was far less than I was expecting.  I said something similar to him and he offered more – how very kind of him but  I graciously declined.  But I felt…well let down.  And this was increased this morning when I got up and did my exercises because I only did them for two reasons:

One, PK mentioned something in her comment that made me stop and think…if I didn’t do them then he would think its not working and would maybe stop.

Second, Sweet girl and I have a pact that we are going to meet our exercise goals each week

I didn’t do them because I was punished last night.  Because I don’t “feel” like I was punished.   I didn’t get a telling off as such, just told to “bend over and let me show you my new toy” kind of thing.

But then, just after I have finished my exercises this morning, we were having a slight disagreement over a bill (that granted should have been paid long ago and it wasn’t thanks to my carelessness) and I get pulled across his knee and a quick hand spanking and a spanking with a cork place mat – owwwie they hurt more than you would think!  So even though I still get up and do my exercise, I still get a spanking this morning.  But I didn’t get spanked because of the non payment of the bill – which maybe I should have done, but because I was arguing with him.  Dang, I just can’t seem to get it right some days.

And to go and make matters worse, I have deliberately disobeyed him this morning.  He told me not to pay it today, it can be paid later this week and he will do it.  But I did it this morning via Internet banking.  Smart thing Internet banking, I love it.  Smart thing me, nope may god have mercy on my soul.  But then again, he probably won’t follow through. 

I feel in a complete tangle today, if that makes any sense?  And all I wanted to do was submit to my punishment last night, that I had worked myself up about all day but resided myself to my fate and determined to stay in place and accept it, and then it happened kind of.  Then I get pulled across his knee this morning for something completely different and now an act of out and out disobedience.

Yep, a massive tangle of emotions.  Maybe I should email him and tell him.  But he won’t read it.  Maybe I should tell him how I am feeling but I’ll get my words in a muddle and it won’t come out right.

I love him so, and I so want this DD to work.  I feel that we are on the right track but just sometimes it doesn’t go quite how I thought it would, how I was expecting.  I think that is my problem to work on, to be more submissive.  To submit to whatever punishment or not he decides for each discretion.  That’s the hard part.  To submit to his decisions whatever they are, whenever, each and every time. 

So in summary

On the plus side:

1.   He made himself a new implement;

2.   He followed through and spanked me for not doing my exercises yesterday morning, there and then just like I wanted;

3.   He didn't put up with any nonsense this morning and once again spanked me for being argumentative, there and then, just like I have been asking for;

4.   He is thinking implements and wants more (I'm thinking this is a plus because he is thinking DD).
5.   My exercise goal has been re-adjsuted to something I feel I can achieve.

On the down side:

1.   He made himself a new implement from hell.

2.   I didn't feel punished after my spanking last night, because he didn't tell me off as such, he didn't give me a lecture, nothing.  I was just told to bend over and when he did spank me it was far less than I was expecting.

Maybe, as the ups outway the downs,  we are getting there slowly.  I have admitted to my act of disobedience.  I have emailed him and told him.  So now its up to him to decide if and how he wants to deal with me and for me to submit to that decision. 

One little bit of silver lining - at least the bill is paid.