I know I havent blogged for a while but I really need some help.
I actually decided to blog about my dilemma as I am hoping that some of you might have some really good advice for me.
First of all I am expecting those house guests I mentioned and they arrive in 10 days time.
Then on top of that our landlord has decided that we have to move. So right now I am now :
- Looking for a home for our horses
- Looking for a home for our one sheep
- Looking for a home for ourselves
So we decided that if we were to move then we were going to relocate completely and move to the South Island which was our long term plan anyway, this new move has just given us the impetus to actually do something about it.
We have a couple of obstacles to overcome first, but I don’t think they are too much of an issue. The first one is the moving costs but p-i-l are helping with that, thankfully. The second is finding a house in the area which we want to move to. Tricky. There are only 3 to rent – and we are just waiting to hear about all three of them.
I have a feeling that will all be good.
The biggest obstacle is my son. He doesn’t know whether he wants to come with me or not.
I am torn. I really don’t know what to do. I know how unfair it is to ask him to decide. And fair enough he wants his father and I to agree and he will just to as he is told. Unfortunately his father and I cannot agree. Whatever argument is put forward you can turn it around for the other person.
I have to decide whether to stay, or whether to say to him OK you stay here until you finish school and them decide. Does it make me a bad mother? He is my only child (but he is a third child of my ex husband – and one he didn’t really want to have anyway but I can’t very well tell my son that can I).
I so want him to come with me. I can see so much potential for him to come with me. Even the school he will go to is much better than the one he is going to now. And more catered for what he wants to do as a career. MY ex husband is insisting that our son make this decision for himself.
Am I being selfish? Should I just say to Sir, no we are not going, we have to stay here until my son is 18. Should I just say to my son, OK I’ll agree to you staying here, come down if you want to, anytime you want. Or should I stick to my guns in going, stick to my guns in wanting him to come with me, to try it out for 6 months and see how he feels and then he can come back if he doesn’t like it. If he decides to stay and I still leave, does that make me a bad mother for abandoning him?
He gets on with his dad, and his dad is not a bad dad, I know he will be looked after and loved. (But not as well as I can).
The first few weeks of going will be a struggle, not only will it be winter (snow), neither Sir nor I will have a job – so we will have to live off our savings. But he will get a job in no time flat.
By going I will finally be able to be a stay at home mum – being their for both my son and Little Miss.
The school my son will go to is geared up far better for his chosen career. So when it comes to university it will look so much better on his record.
I have no idea what to do. It’s OK for Sir, Little Miss is very happy to go – she can’t wait. If I dig my heels in and say I don’t want to go, is he going to resent me, resent my son? Will he leave me?
These are all the general rambling thoughts running through my head day and night at the moment and I feel like my heart is breaking in two. I feel like I am either going to lose my son or lose Sir. And I know from the outside its easy to say there is no choice, I know really there is no choice. At the end of the day my son comes first.
Oh Kiwi. What a dilemma. But to me, your last sentence said it all.
ReplyDeleteDee x
Awe Kiwi, I can definitely see you dilemma. Moving is stressful enough at the best of times as it is and you have far more to consider. I'm glad it sound as least as though finding another place and the relocation itself should be fairly smooth.
ReplyDeleteI think maybe if you can, you all need to talk this out together to come to a workable solution, one that your son is happy with. As for you ex insisting it be your son's decision. I agree that his wishes should be paramount, but that is also facing him with a huge dilemma. He will be torn between you and his father. I think he needs to know that he can freely express his wishes without fear of hurting or 'alienating' one of you.
If you do move without him, that definitely does not make you a bad mother and I don't think you will be abandoning him. I doubt he will see it that way either. You will still be involved in his life and I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunities for him to visit you and vice versa. At least traveling across the country isn't such an issue here ... well ... time wise anyway.
I really don't think it's going to be a case of either loosing your son or Sir.
I'm here anytime if you need to talk or vent while you work though this. I'm sure you will come to a workable solution.
Hugs,
Roz
Oh kiwi this is difficult
ReplyDeleteas a mother myself my instinct yes agree and says your son comes first, but really this is something you all need to discuss, sit down go through the options, why does your son want to stay?
would he consider giving moving a try for 6 months? sometimes as parents we have make decisions they wont like but its for their own good.
Trust your instinct
x
Kiwi you definitely have some tough choices ahead of you, you have a lot on your plate.
ReplyDeleteI take it your son is 16-17yrs old and if that is the case as much as it would pain you I would let him make his own decision if he wants to go or stay with his friends. You said his dad and him get along well and he will be ok there so that is not a problem.
So with the info you have given the choice should be his.
Bob
The only thing I can think to tell you is the advice my father gave me. Put your relationship before your kids. Keeping your love life healthy will keep your kids happier. That has held true for us. 99% of the time. So sorry. This is such a hard decision.
ReplyDeleteoh kiwi. this doesn't seem fair. i'm so sorry.
ReplyDeletejust take it one day at a time! maybe your son will surprise you and choose on his own to come with you...
hugs,
m.
Kiwi, I agree about all sitting down, listening to your son's wishes, and discussing it. You would only be a bad mom if you didn't care. The fact that you're agonizing over this decision shows that you do care and that youre a good mom. Hugs, and I will be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. Your words really help. My son won't yell me or his dad what he wants. He wants is to decide but neither one of us will back down. And to top it off parents will disown me if I do move and my son stays here. In answer to bins question he is 15 - the one time I wish he was a year or two prose. But I know he will be OK with his dad. He will come see me every month and also school hols snd vice versa. It will work out in sure - I hope.
ReplyDeleteAw kiwi, i'm so sorry you're going through this - it seems like a really horrible dilemma. I know it's hard to see this right now, but things have a way of working themselves out. Even if it doesn't seem like there's a "right" answer, there will be eventually.
ReplyDeleteHi Kenzie, thanks I hope you are right :)
DeleteWhy not take him down to where you want to go and let him visit the school, talk to the teachers, who can tell him about the courses etc available there to do with his chosen career? Sometimes it is simply fear of the unknown that prevent youngsters from making decisions. 15 is an age of self doubt, lack of confidence, twilight time, not a child but not quite grown up...and I believe he needs you to see him through that. If he has been to the new school, looked around, you can then sit down with him and discuss it with him and it will not be such an unknown prospect. Be excited about the opportunities, be confident, be reassuring. Kids have a very sensitive radar for an adult's uncertainty
ReplyDeleteMy ideal scenario? He goes with you, for one semester/term, and if he can't settle, has the option to return to his original school. I am almost sure that one term will give him the opportunity to realise it is a better school. No reason why he can't go to his dad for holidays, and to see his old friends.... but, his schooling needs to be supervised by you, IMHO. I don't think it right for siblings to be separated like that, either, and I don't think you would be happy to leave him behind. It might cause tension for you and your partner, which in turn would affect your daughter.
But, no matter what advice you get, YOU know your kids, you know your relationships, you know your circumstances....so you have to make the decision, just be sure to listen to your little inner voice... xxxxxxxx
HI Daisy,
DeleteProblem is I keep saying come down for 6 months and see how it goes, if he is not happy he can come back - no problems. He wont make that decision - and I can understand that, but his father wont let him come down to try it. he just keeps saying well you go, he can stay, if he wants to come down later, then he can. Its like GRRRRRRRRRR.
Its frustrating and I know its the better school for him.
I agree with Daisy's advice. He doesn't want to make the decision because he doesn't want to choose between you and his dad or wants to be able to "blame" someone else if it doesn't work out. That's just human nature. That's why the one semester or term thing is great, if it doesn't work he knows he has an "out".
ReplyDeleteHope you and your "ex" can agree on a solution that will be best for all.
The thing to remember is he is almost grown and will be gone from you in 2 or 3 years -Sir will be around longer than that.
Listen to all our advice but you really know the answers in your heart of hearts, listen to it and not us.
Hi Sunnygirl, I know, and I can so understand him. Im trying to figure something out with his father but he is a stubborn man and every argument I put forward he just turns it around. The thing that really angers me is that when I first fell pregnant he didnt want him. He wanted me to terminate - and then he left me in hospital to give birth alone. He is just being a d**k about this. The school i want him to go to is a far better school for his career choice. I just want my son to come down now for 6 months, try it and then if he doenst like it he can go back to his old school with his dad.
ReplyDeleteSay your prayers for me my friend :)
I would tell your son exactly what you stated in this post. That it is his decision and you would love for him to come with you, the benefits of the school change, and he can decide either way. Even if it's just a trial period of a few months.
ReplyDelete