A Dead Stop

Monday 20th February 2012

This is what I want.  A complete stop.  It’s not working.  I feel bullied.  I feel taken advantage of.  I feel confused.  It feels like he is on power trip and I don’t feel comfortable with it.  It’s scary.  He is flying high in the clouds with his new found power, trying to take me with him and I feel like he is going to drop me.

He appears to want BDSM.

I want domestic discipline. 

I don’t want it to intermingle.  That confuses me.

When we make love I want love and tenderness and gentleness. 

When I break a rule or do something wrong, or have a bad attitude I want discipline - not just with the punishment but with the lectures, a “talk” about what I did that was wrong, why I did it, a chance to explain, a chance to submit, a chance to say sorry and then to accept whatever he decides.  And I need his consistent attitude.  Not Sir making me a phone rule and then allowing me to break it without any acknowledgement of it but then thinking he can get away with spanking me for it a week later. 

It seems that what I want and what I am getting are two different things at the moment.  What I get is a sound spanking, yes, sometimes probably too hard, little aftercare these days and then sex.  

I thought we had gotten through all these hurdles. I thought he finally realized what it was that I wanted. I thought finally I had gotten through.

I got scared on Friday.  Not scared of him but scared of the spanking that should have been coming to me for some rule breaking last week.  But my instinct told me not to let it happen.  So it didn’t happen (which is a good thing).

Then Saturday I had such a hissy fit at him over something trivial but not trivial at the same time.  The way I spoke to him was horrible and he should have dealt with me then, but he didn’t, we argued and so bad feeling between us filled the afternoon.

Sunday was horrible.  It had to do with The Thorn.  I didn’t listen to him, she baited me, I bit and it ended up with a little confrontation.  I feel better for it and to be honest, whatever he decides to do it was worth it.  But still I have to face it tonight.  But then I question why, when I didn’t start it, she did.  What was said to her, she had coming but saying that it wasn't even that bad, I just wont be spoken to the way she does like she did, not without retaliating.  Why is it that I have to do what he says, but he does what she says?  (Perhaps he just knows her best, how to deal with her.  I just get down off my high horse and accept that).    Now, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near her.  I am to be left at home next time.  This makes me feel so sick and sad.  He said he doesn’t trust me enough not to bite when she baits me – and this is horrible for me to bear.  I disappointed him, and now he doesn’t trust me.  To me that is punishment enough. 

There is no difference in the severity of spankings he gives me.  There is no talk before hand or after. 

I want to be a better person, I want to exercise, and I want to deal with Thorn in a more mature calm way.  He can help me by dealing with any outburst, like he intends to tonight.  BUT he REALLY needs to do the “talk” before hand.  The lecture or telling off or whatever it is you might want to call it.  He needs to slow down the spanking a wee bit and not use every implement we have in the one session.  I need him to warm me up first, maybe an OTK hand spanking first and then more if he feels it’s necessary.  I need the aftercare and comfort afterwards.  He used to but not so much anymore.  I need him to sit next to me on the bed and hold me and cuddle me and tell me it’s all OK and that he loves me.

I know he loves me.  I have no doubt. 

He can be so strong and dominant at times, insisting I exercise, catching the attitude I can have at times and giving out the warnings.  I even got a good swatting on the behind tea time yesterday for something smart I had said which irritated him.  To me that is all just amazing.

Maybe it’s all in my head.  Maybe I just got panicky over nothing over the weekend.  It felt out of control.  I felt not in control and it was scary and maybe I panicked a little bit?

I need to tell him.  He told me this morning I have to remind him tonight to spank me.  He will be distracted and busy during today doing what he needs to do and will forget.  So he has instructed me that I have to remind him and so I will .  But I am going to tell him that I need more than just the spanking. I need the lecture, the talk before hand.    Ask me the questions.... why did i do it, give me a chance to explain, to see that I was wrong ( or on the off chance i was right) to submit to him and apologise to him and then to accept whatever he decides.  I need him to tell me what I am being punished for.

Is it for my behaviour yesterday?

Is it for spending $15 on lunch last week without asking first?

Or is it out just because spanking that we didn’t do last night as we normally do?

Or is it a combination of them.

Get me to read out my book out loud for everything he has not held me accountable for if he doesn’t want to read it himself.

Tell me off about each thing AND then decide what punishment is to be metered out.

Change the severity.

Change the implement.

Change the position.

Don't always have sex straight away afterwards.

Give me corner time afterwards?

Don’t allow me to watch my new TV shows afterwards.

Punish me.  Don't play with me.  Don’t practice BDSM with me. 

Or is this all too controlling?  Am I topping from the bottom?