Judgement V Submission = punishment

Wednesday 8th February 2012

Submission is not easy.  To obey Sir is easy – do this, do that, make sure this is done today, can you please make sure you attend to this that or the other; here is your list of chores, please make sure they are done.

It’s easy and straight forward to obey Sir’s commands.  Total submission in body mind and soul is another thing altogether.  Changing my attitude is the hardest thing in the world.  I have a stubborn streak a mile wide and boy oh boy can I be stubborn at times.  I can be set in concrete if I want to be.  It’s hard to change. 

What happens when my own judgement battles my submission?  Well, there is an internal world war that will rages inside me.  My heart wants to submit but my head is something else altogether. 

The situation that caused this internal war in me over the weekend is a difficult one I will grant Sir that.  He is stuck between me, his Little Miss and the Thorn in my side.  Sir wants me to listen to him, to follow his lead and to trust his judgement.  But my stubborn pride knows thinks that my judgement is right, that I know better.  Every ounce of my being knows what thorn is doing, trying to undermine our relationship, trying to get him back, he knows her but she knows him too.  As sir says to me, “she might think she is making the right noises to “get me back” but I’m the man, I know my heart my mind – she doesn’t.  She can make as much noise as she wants to, I’m not going anywhere”.  And as I say to him she knows his soft spots, she knows what buttons to press.  She knows he misses her other children.

What he said to me should be good enough for me but its not.  I want him to do what I want.  To shut her down. To appease me, to listen to my judgement.

This war is killing me.  It’s not good for my soul.  It’s certainly not good for my body (my behind to be specific) On Sunday, in my stubborn bad temper I  threw the telephone at him and told him to ring Thorn and get her permission about something – not the greatest idea I have ever had.  Sir ran, literally RAN to get the paddle and before I knew what was happening I was bent over the kitchen bench and paddled very soundly about a dozen times.    But it didn’t stop my rebellious head.  Oh no, through the tears I stuck to my guns, clung on to my pride.  I found myself facing the wall in the living room and told that although it was punishment for my attitude Sir also knew it was “just because Sunday” and maybe just maybe I needed a hard “just because session” to get my attitude in check and to learn to listen to him.  So there I was, facing the wall, hands above my head on the wall, body slightly bend forward and not allowed to move as he paddled me some more.  Hard.  Then he pulled down my trousers and told me not to move, that I can jolly well stay there for 10 minutes.

I’m stood there, facing the wall, hands on the wall above my head and my head hanging down between my arms.  Breathing hard, crying softly, my behind on fire like never before.  He sat there next to me and didn’t say a word.  For ten minutes.  And then he paddled some more, hard, really hard, telling me all the while not to move to face the wall and to not move my hands and when I did I got extra swats and told to put the back again.  I was determined not to give in.  I wanted to win this one.  My judgement is right.!! What does he know!!

As he paddled me I had to say thank you sir after each swat, (every single time now, punishment and maintenance, not just this one incident).  He asked me was I going to submit to his judgement now.  I shook my head as I couldn’t talk through my tears and I got more swats – a volley of hard fast ones.  And then extra ones because I forgot to say “Thank you Sir”.

Then out came white tail.  Oh my Lord, Sir was serious.  He never brings out white tail.  The mere threat of while tail has me in a spin.   I was looking at him pleading with him and he just shook his head, told me to turn around and face the wall and to put my hands back in place.  I tried to soften, I had to.  I wanted to, I needed to.  I did as I was told and he struck one, two three times with white tail.  It took my breath away.  I say thank you sir.  He struck another 5 times and finally its over.   I sobbed and said thank you sir.

He held me, stroked me and told me to listen to him in the future.  He knows her best; he knows the best way to handle her.  He asked me to please trust him and suddenly I’m there, my head is in the same place as my heart.  For now.

And then we reconnect in the best possible way. 

It’s hard.  My heart knows he knows best.  My heart trusts him.  But my head – well that’s another matter.  I’m trying so hard to keep my head in place, it’s true.  He does know her best.  What do I know?  I have to trust him to do the right thing.

Submission and my own judgement do not make good bed buddies.   I have to try to find a way to get over this struggle.