This is not goodbye just au revoir

Wednesday 22nd February 2012

Where do I start?

I suppose at the beginning would be best.

I decided yesterday to email Sir. 

So the first thing I did was “borrow” Ronnie’s post (changing names to fit us of course) about Happy Home -  how happy the house is when ruled by his traditional discipline values and sent that to him.

He loved it.  Who wouldn’t?

I had planned on presenting myself for punishment for Sunday’s blatant disobedience and then saying to him “before we start, can we just talk about …..”  But on second thoughts (and later some good advice confirmed my second thoughts) I decided not to do that.  So consequently, I sent him another email.  I was worried that he would “give it up as a bad job” thinking that whatever he does isn’t quite right.  This is really not the case.  So I make a conscious effort to let him know that the punishment on Sunday was exactly right for me except that the swats were just too quick…that I couldn’t process them, I couldn’t submit to it because I wasn’t in the headspace to accept and submit to punishment.  I went on to explain what I would really like to happen, what I think would help me, the talk first, making me acknowledge what I had done wrong, making me acknowledge that I would be punished for it…that is going to be hard for me to do….and then to submit to the punishment in whatever form he decides.

His first reaction was he will punish me as he sees fit, as hard or as long as he thinks.  Punishment is meant to hurt.  I agree to an extent.  But this is not about being unhappy about things not going the way I want them to.  This is about my needs not being fully met.  I need something just a little bit more.  I need the talk, the before the spanking action, the telling off, the lecture…well, you know, I’ve blogged about it.

So that led to a good talk.  And I think he now understands my need for the talk before hand.  The telling off to get me into that place in my head to submit and accept my punishment.  I think it’s a very important part of discipline – at least for me.  AND I’m not talking about being “yelled” at, just a stern talking to, being made to acknowledge what I have done and what is about to happen.

At bedtime, I asked him whether I was till in trouble for the Sunday episode.  He promptly told me I should be but he was going to let me off a spanking “just barely”.  He then gave me a very stern telling off for it.  Told me what was to happen the next time we go (yes he has changed his mind about letting me go next time – he doesn’t want to be told what to do by The Thorn – she apparently dictated that I wasn’t to go anymore, humph!) He told me in no uncertain terms that I will OBEY him and STAY in the car.  Under no circumstances am I to get out of the car.  My walls fell down, I was suddenly feeling extremely submissive and obedient and the only answer in the world that I wanted to give was “Yes sir”.  He didn’t utter the words “or else” but the threat was clearly there.  If I disobey next time I will be thrashed – and probably not allowed to go ever again.

So we have started afresh as of last night.  And I am feeling the difference already. 

But I think I have been getting a little confused.  Yes,  I’m a spanko.  I feely admit that I like spanking.   For me my interest has developed into the domestic discipline side of things.  I need the dominance.  My reaction to Sir telling me off last night is a prime example.  I love it when he is strong like that.  But I have a rebellious streak at times, I do irrational things without thinking of the consequences at times....I need pushing to look after myself - I can do it all on my own but its not the same.

 

And with all of those needs, if I don’t do as I am told, or break a rule, or do something to annoy sir then there has to be consequences.  I can’t NEED all of that without having consequences too.  The consequence I want is punishment - telling off, corner time, grounding, spanking, early bed time, removal of privileges etc.

I have been very confused over the last few weeks about Domestic Discipline and BDSM – as I was feeling we were headed in that direction.    I am even contemplating deleting my blog altogether. 

To me BDSM is sex play, bondage, sadism, masochism (not sure what the D stands for) - gagging, tying up, blindfolding, pain for pleasure, nipple clamps torture, rubber, costumes and everything else in between.  Whereas Domestic Discipline is just exactly that - a husband given the consent to chastise his wife as he sees fit for her infractions, rules and boundaries agreed on and punishments set and given for breaking those.

To me that is the difference.  Maybe that’s where my maintenance can come in to play a bit more, as well as helping me stay on track for the up coming week, it can be used as a little erotic play time too. 

I think dominance doesn’t have to be just punishment and he doesn’t only show his dominance through punishment.  But at the moment he only wants to spank as punishment.  He doesn’t want to set any other punishments and if that’s so then that’s fine, though I will say here I am open to alternative punishments.  But it has to work for him as well as for me. 

So now I’m feeling better.  I have been thinking about pulling this down completely andI still may do that.  I get the feeling its not going anywhere really anymore.  The same posts are being regurgitated.  I have a good week, I celebrate it with you but my speed bumps are always the same one.  And when I write about it, it seems to come across that I am not happy unless things are going my way.  This actually hurts because it’s so not true.   And I know it’s not meant to hurt and I know it’s meant to help and advice and comments given with the best intentions, I know this.  But I think I’ve done my dash for a while.   HAHA but saying that I’ll probably have something else to say tomorrow!!!

Seriously though I think I may just lay low for a while, see how things go at home, watch read and learn from you guys.  I’ll keep commenting and learning from each of you but for my blog, well who knows. 

So as the title says, this is not goodbye, but for now, au revoir my friends.