Tuesday 21st February 2012
How do I guide Sir into giving me a genuine punishment?
Now I know that seems a very silly question to ask now after all of this time. But I am struggling with how things are playing out.
I’m not saying that what he does isn’t right for us, but I’m just saying it’s not quite what I need. I feel that it needs tweaking a little bit. I know he is the leader, I know it’s his decision, but sometimes the punishments he meters out are very hard to take and I feel not in danger but something similar, like the whole purpose of spanking me isn’t to teach me but to let him vent and turn him on. It really isn’t a matter of not being happy when something doesn’t go “my way”. It’s more a question of being comfortable with what we are doing. And right now, I’m not totally comfortable with it. I think its doing more harm than good.
Last night for example, I did something wrong, and I knew it and so at bedtime I got "two tails" and rightly so. He even told me off during the spanking. Great, great, great. Exactly what I need. The strikes were very fast though and I could hardly catch my breath. I didn’t have time to come to terms with what was happening and submit to it. Because they were so hard and fast – and I mean really fast, I fought it all the way. I couldn't and so didn't stay in position very well. I rolled out of the way so many times and at one point I even stood up and refused to get back down. It was just way too fast. And two tails hurts especially when used fast. I really needed him to slow it down a little and give me time to process in between each stroke. I did mention afterwards it as a little too fast. But that was all I said, and he didn’t really respond. I don’t want to keep complaining or saying to him that we need to change this or do that instead, or this is wrong, do it this way, not that way.
Is it wrong of me to need a particular scenario when it comes to metering out punishment?
In my perfect spanking/punishment world if I did something wrong, or broke a rule, it would be at the very least acknowledged. If I was to be punished for it then I would be told to expect a punishment. When it came time I would be made to face Sir and he would give me “the talk” about what I did, ask me the questions why did I do it, what was I thinking? I should learn to listen and follow direction/instruction etc. Do I know what is about to happen and why? He would then make me acknowledge what I did wrong and that I am about to be punished. It would be so hard for me to do that, acknowledge that I am about to be spanked (to say the actual words out loud would be extremely difficult and embarrassing for me to do) but I think it would be so good for me too. It would probably be more of a deterrent than the spanking itself.
He would then get me into position and meter out the punishment. The strokes wouldn’t be so fast that I couldn’t catch my breath. They would be regularly inter spaced so that each stroke is felt and processed in my mind. I could then say the words “thank you Sir” that he likes me to say. How many and how hard is as always entirely up to him of course but I would hope he would be fair minded depending on my wrongdoing.
He would then send me to the corner for a few minutes to think about it and then the comfort and aftercare and whatever else we feel like then would follow.
How can I tell him that without diminishing what he has done so far? I don’t want to knock his confidence completely. After he had spanked me last night he asked me “what was wrong with that” and that was because I mentioned earlier that I wanted to talk. Perhaps that is the wrong thing. He looked quite panicky when I said I wanted to talk about ttwd. But we never got around to talking because he got into the spanking. I felt sad that he immediately thought there was something wrong with what he had done. Rather than commencing a conversation saying “I need to talk to you” I should just get straight into it “Darling, I really need you to tell me off more before you punish me, and slow the strokes down a little…they are really too fast and I cant process what is happening and so I struggle to submit to it and learn from it”.
So yeah, my question, how do I guide Sir into giving me a genuine punishment when its needed?
It sounds like the two of you need to have a talk about what you each want from ttwd. Why are you doing it? What are your goals? What's the purpose for discipline? Etc. If you're on the same page, that's great, then you can tell him that you feel some tweaking of things might help you to respond better and have a better outcome. If you're not on the same page, well, you need to know that so that the two of you can sort it out and work through it. You should be working together as a team, toward a common goal, and it seems like you're a bit out of step with one another right now. Try not to put it as a you against him thing or him against you...my needs/desires versus your needs/desires. Instead come at it from the perspective of trying to make things better for both of you. *tossing in my two cents*
ReplyDeletehi Grace, thank you. We certainly do need to talk. Im planning on something tonight to "encourage a talk" Keep your fingers crossed for me. If he wants to do more BDSM style stuff, thats fine, Im open to trying stuff. But i need the punishments to be a separate thing. It cant be that hard to say surely??? *sigh*
DeleteIll let you know how we get on.
Ya know, I had to make it very clear to Michael that I needed some space between a punishment and anything else. With maintenance it's different, I don't mind him heading right into other activities. However, the mindset is so different for a punishment that I need some love and care and reassurance and such before I'm ready to move on. Once he understood that things went a lot smoother. But, he didn't realize that I needed that until I told him. I hope things go well for you tonight! (((hugs)))
Deleteyeah thats how i feel with our Sunday just because sessions......wow you and i are on the same page at least hehehe ;) punishment should be separate from other activites....i need time to process. He has even stopped the cuddles and comfot afterwards :( so yeah a talk is seriously needed or else i will stop it all together me thinks. Which i dont want to do. The mindset is the key and the talk before hand helps that mindset. He is difficult to pin down to talk, he gets distracted easily. So my plan......is to present myself for punishment for something i did on Sunday which he has not dealt with yet...but to say to him befoer we start blah blah blah....and see what happens....here's hoping :)
DeleteGrace is quite wise Kiwi, that's what I was gonna say :) Now I'm away to try and find the page Mitch is on :)
ReplyDeleteDee x
Dee, she certainly is. Good luck with you and Mitch...sounds like you and I might be having a similar conversation tonight ;) ill keep my fingers crossed for you. Let me know how you get on xxxx
DeleteThere are a couple issues here. One is that there are many styles of DD (and D/s and BDSM, for that matter). Just because you say "DD" doesn't mean that everyone will immediately get the same picture. They get their own pictures of what this is, and there's a lot of variety. Getting your partner on the same wavelength is always going to take some doing, unless you happen to be unusually lucky.
ReplyDeleteAs to how to approach him, the concept of "straight time" helps. This is time you spend with your partner outside the DD relationship establishing the agreement under which you will operate. It's a "meta" discussion about it.
To establish straight time you need to approach your partner and tell them that you want to discuss how the DD relationship is done. When you enter into that discussion you are not topping from the bottom because you are not a bottom. You are an equal partner in the relationship.
When you are done, you need to show in some way that the sub is going back to submitting. This closes the straight time and gets you back into your DD relationship.
Kiwi, you need to get into this discussion when you are in a normal moment. Ideally, this is when you are being well-behaved and you can focus on the relationship. Establish straight time and then talk about your concerns. What will make this more effective? What will make you love him more? Ask him for ideas about how to get your needs met, and make sure to discuss his needs, as well. Then go back to your DD relationship.
That's my unfiltered advice. I hope it helps you out.
Hi Rich Peron, your advice always helps out :) thank you. I took your advice even before i had it, call it instinct. We talked last night, just him and I as equal partners, "straight" time as you call it. I had also emailed him and he had read it. He thinks that punishments are meant to hurt but will take what i said into account and he said he can certainly do more lecturing before hand if its going to help me. All seems good. He let me off my Sunday infraction "only barely" he said but its a "fresh start" as of yesterday :) so its looking good, thank you.
DeleteIt seems you know fairly well what you want. Tell him just what you stated here. Rich Person's advice is good in really setting aside separate time to talk, not doing it right after a spanking or sex.
ReplyDeleteHi Lea, yeah I did last night. Ill post a more detailed report in a bit :) thank you xx
DeleteOK as you know, I come from the D/s angle, how ever I also believe the difference between D/s and D/d is paper thin when it comes to married couples.
ReplyDeleteLet me start answering your question. Is it wrong to expect a certain template for a punishment?
No it is not, and the reason is that if it is that what you need to be submissive then your HoH should put it in his tool bad and make it his favourite tool.
My answer to you would be: OK, now tell me exactly how you want it and it better works like this.
Now for a different thing: You have to brutally honest with your self why you want to be spanked as punishment? And then in a certain way as you describe? Is it really going to be that affective like that? Somehow I believe that a punishment does not come so critical. Certainly the spanking your hubbie gives does not sink in blow by blow, but the accumulated pain must leave an impression. I think you like spanking too much for it to work as punishment. And I am talking the right type of spanking. Would it not be better to pull the paper away between D/d and D/s and have a BDSM relation? BDSM is not the same as kinky sex. You will be able to combine the best of the two. And have your spanking as you want it in even a romantic setting if you wanted, just to name one, and the domestic discipline. This is your life, so make it your life stile. You can do what you want with it. There are no rules other then the law and what you 2 want to do with it together.
Let me end by answering an other question: Can you bother him time and again with your requests?
The answer is yes. May sound strange from a Dom. But the mere fact you want to bother him means something does not work. And you can not submit until it is fixed. You need to talk with him. I am normally more critical towards a Dom then a sub, hence I have some criticism towards your hubbie. If you do permit your self to hurt you partner then you have obligations. One of the obligations is to seek frequent feed back about what you are doing. You may perhaps push your subbie a bit harder then she likes it at the moment but you should not ignore her long term issues she has with things you do as Dom. It seems that is happening now that you have issues. And you have to tell him if he does not ask for it.
Hi Elder, i get very unsure about topping from the bottom. And he is not easy to approach to talk to - and this subject is even harder for me to talk about...so i end up second guessing myself all the time.
DeleteWe did talk though, not during before or after anything, we found ourselves with a little bit of alone time, and we talked. We are starting afresh. He believes that a punishment is meant to hurt and not something i can dictate but he will take what i said into account. He also said that he is more than able and willing to give more lectures if i think it will help me. So starting afresh from last night its all looking much better :)
Kiwi,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have been given a bunch of sound advice. I sure hope you found a time and place to have a good talk and get on the same page with expectations.
Hi Susie, I have been :) and we did and its all looking a whole heap better. I will post about it in a bit xxx thank you
DeleteI hope you talk goes well. Please let us know how how it goes. I do not think it's wrong to explain or request how a punishment is metered out as long as you understand (which you do) the length and severity is up to him and should be fair. You have to be comfortable with what's going on to truly submit and I can see you already know that.
ReplyDeleteLove and hugs.
DB
hey DB. I will do...we talked yesterday and its all looking and feeling a lot better. Im goign to post about it in a bit :) thank you xxx
Delete*sigh*
ReplyDelete:P ;) xxx we talked last night and am feeling a little better :) xx
Deleteyou don't even want me to comment that, so i won't. all i'm gonna say is: from this to this?! You sure do 360's fast my friend.
ReplyDeleteand before everyone else jumps in to shout at me -don't" She knows what i'm talking about...
ReplyDeleteJust wondering you 2 still friends :-P
ReplyDeletealways...just no more debates ;) x
Delete