Feeling blurrgghhhhh

OK, I have just posted a quick update on grocery shopping to let you know how I went.  It was all good.  And I did feel good about sticking to the budget I have to admit.  I have been polishing my halo hehehe.

But, I am feeling very bluuugghhhh at the moment.  DD has gone very quiet this last week.  I am not sure why.  Perhaps its simply that I have been a good girl since last Friday.  Wednesday and Friday last week I got myself into trouble for going over budget and then being disobedient, and both incidents my HOH punished me straight away - no waiting, no forgetting, he stepped up as I had asked him to.    Now its all quiet.  Has he gone off the idea?  Or I have been good?  I don't know.  I think I have given him reason to punish me, broken rules which he seems to have let slide, moodiness today but as with this submissiveness, I have to bow to his decision, if he thinks I have been good then I should be pleased - I am, but still a little unsure as to whether he really wants to do this...its about having faith in him I guess, trust.  And I do have faith, I do trust, but I'm finding it hard to let go and not try and control this.  I have a very clear image in my head of how I see it  working for us.  Its very different to reality at the moment.  In fact I almost posted about it - Fantasy v Reality.  But I think we all have the same sort of battle going on in our heads - especially when first starting out.

I took the very good advice of PK (thanks PK) and I emailed him today just to thank him for helping me keep on budget this week and explained that it was because of the vivid memory of last week's consequences.  I thanked him for punishing me straight away and for Friday too for not getting the soup as asked - for not waiting or giving out empty threats - I told him I had learnt my lesson and that could he please keep doing it exactly like that.  I tried to explain that for me, being an insecure person, DD makes me feel protected, secure and very loved.  I am hoping that will encourage him that he is doing it right for me, that what he did last week works for me.

We had issues this morning over his step son.  Perhaps I over-reacted.  I come to that conclusion after just reading Rogue's post - thank you Rogue.  It helped me see something just now.  You see, my hubby made a parental decision about a child that isn't even his, not mine, but a child of his ex-girlfriend - his step son so to speak.  He made these arrangement without thinking how I would feel about it, without talking to me.     I am not happy at all - for all sorts of reasons that I wont go into but quite valid I think.  I had a bit of a meltdown this morning for which I am now feeling guilty because at the end of the day its a child that he has pretty much brought up since a baby but I don't trust the mother and the child  is very much under her influence. 

Rogue's post reminded me that its not for me to make this decision, he is the leader in our house, he makes the decisions for our family.  But he should have talked to me first, gotten my point of view.  I have emailed him and told him my thoughts anyway.  He cant take it back he has already said yes to the child.

Also he has another ex girlfriend all of a sudden circling texting and messaging him.  I know he is not interested in her, but for an insecure person like me - its hard to deal with.

Its all hard to deal with or maybe I am being selfish.  Maybe I am just tired, as I got no sleep last night.  His daughter wanted to sleep with us - I don't agree with kids sleeping in the same bed, and I would have tried to get her back into bed, or gone to her bed with her for a cuddle - she knows this too - so of course it was Dad she woke up becuase she knows he is a soft touch and into bed she got.  The only one that got any sleep was her!

So yes I am feeling blurrrgghhhhh - the best way to describe it.  I probably need a spanking to reconnect, to feel secure and loved.  Or just him making a reference to the rules and to behave or else.  But I am not going to ask him.  I have found that when I ask him he never does it.  He just tells me he will spank me when he decides.  I was hoping the paddle I had ordered from Cane_iac would arrive - its been nearly 3 weeks and that would make it easier to talk about again - but it hasn't and I am beginning to think its been lost in the post.

So another speed bump in this journey.  I really don't like speed bumps.  I really want Chitty Chitty Bang Bang so that I can just fly over them rather than drive over them - is it too much to ask?

Probably, how are we supposed to learn if we don't have these speed bumps.

If I am being completely honest I am just so scared of losing him.  I love him so much and there has been so much on his mind about the custody thing and now I have to put up with his ex's other child that is not even his.  I don't want to overwhelm him with DD and asking him to spank me.   Last week I thought we were "getting there", him stepping up, taking charge, making rules, following through, punishing me straight away.  Now there seems to be nothing.  But maybe its just me, a silly insecure emotional female, needing a spanking to feel better, I need him to be my rock and come to my rescue. I need him to remind me he is the boss, that he loves me and is taking care of me and I get that in a spanking or even just to talk about it, remind me he is the boss and to behave or else.