All is right with the world - at least for this week.

Hi guys, well I'm still alive, so either it means I fixed the problem, or he was lenient, or I just didn't tell him.

The truth? 

I didn't tell him. 

I chickened out.  Firstly the damned credit card was advertised on the TV and I must have given an audible gasp - he looked at me - you know - "the look" - over the rim of his glasses his blue eyes warning me, and I just couldn't tell him. 

Secondly, I got into trouble on Friday night - believe it or not  over dinner again - which resulted in me being told off and then later paddled and caned.  For the record I now officially declare I no longer like the paddle.  As I was laying there, crying, the paddle smacking down on me over and over burning and stinging, I'm not thinking how sorry I was over the dinner mix up and not listening to him, but OMG if this is punishment for a wrong takeaway, then what on earth will he do for a new credit card?  I will just deal with it when it arrives.  Lord have mercy on my soul.  The punishment was more to do with not listening and doing as I am told.  He is a firm believer of the end of the world conspiracies and he wants to make sure that if in the event of a major disaster that if he tells me to head some place in particular I will go there so that he can come and get me.  Not just change my mind and do as I please and he cant find me.  His words I think during the paddling where if I were to do something so stupid and he couldn't find me, that when he did he would give me the beating of my life.  So its out of care for me that he does this. 

One of my earlier posts I was telling you all how blurgggh I was feeling and how insecure I had been.  Well, since Wednesday last week when the paddle first arrived and we "played" with it, and then again on Thursday, and then my punishment on Friday - I feel so much better.  My insecurity has gone.  I feel settled, balanced, protected and so secure.   Well, those feelings got me to thinking.

We had a long horse ride planned for the weekend, so after that, it was so perfect and lovely, that afternoon I decided to talk to him about this thing we do.

He surprised me the other day asking if I was still OK with the discipline.  I started with that.  He assured me he just wanted to make sure I was OK with everything, we were going in the right direction and that I wasn't doing this because I thought it was something he wanted to do because he really does want to do this.  I assured him I am more than OK and that in fact he could be stricter with me if he wanted to.

I then went on to explain my feelings of insecurity and how they had disappeared because he had taken the time to pay me some attention on Wednesday and Thursday and then on Friday he stepped up and punished me for doing something wrong, and when he had explained the reason for disciplining me for not listening it touched my heart - he is concerned for me, its for my benefit, for my welfare.  I have to learn to listen to him, do as instructed and not deviate so that he can rely on me, knowing I can be found where I am told to be, get what I am told to get.

I then went on to talk about the rules we recently set and I said to him that I was confused that he lets things slide.  He asked for an example....well the exercise one.  He said not to worry, its coming if I don't get on to it.  Oh dear.  He said it would probably be best if I was honest with him and "confessed" when I thought I had broken a rule and then let him decide how to deal with me.  WOW!  talk about being in HOH mode!  I was very proud and respectful. 

I asked him can I be sure that if I do something wrong he will step up and take me in hand, however he decides, he wont just let it slide or if he decides to be lenient then he has to tell me that.  He assured and promised me that he will always step up maybe not straight away but it will come. 

He told me that after knowing about my feelings of insecurity its best I go to him next time I am feeling like that and he will deal with me for being so silly, I have no reason to feel so insecure but he understands that that is the person I am and he will do what he needs to do (spank me) to make me feel better.

At that moment in time, I felt as though all was right with the world.  It was such a wonderful peaceful feeling.  My rock was back, he never really went anyway, but perhaps I did emotionally.  He said he was proud of me for being so open about this need in me and that I can talk more freely about it.  WOW again.  I think he feels completely trusted.  We need to trust our HOH but they need to trust us too. 

I do not regret for one moment first approaching him with this.  When I look back over the last few weeks, in only a few weeks how far we have come.  I have panicked and stressed over the little things as we have gone on - does he want this, will he wont he, but there really has been no need...one thing I've learned - I have to trust in him, I have to be open and honest and I can go and talk to him.  Who can I talk to if not my husband, my HOH, my rock.  He wants this as much as I do...he has told me that.  He wouldn't do it if he didn't want to, he would have told me no from the outset, or tried it and then said no.  But he hasn't.  He likes the results as much as I do - what more can I ask for.

I look at him out of the corner of my eye and my heart fills with respect and love and pride for him.  As he holds me in his strong arms and holds my head in his soft gentle hands I know he loves me as much as I love him.  I could never be without him, I cant go wrong with him as he wont let me let me go wrong.  I am going to make mistakes and he will help me fix those mistakes by doing what he does.   He holds me and my heart and my soul in his strong loving caring hands.