And The Paddle Cometh ...

I did it again.  2 weeks in a row now I have stayed within my grocery budget.  I don’t know how I did it really.  Well if I am honest, yes I do.  I learnt my very painful lesson 2 weeks ago and I don’t really want it repeated; and it’s good to show hubby that this DD lifestyle does work, that discipline is a deterrent.  It makes me pay attention to what I am doing.  I just hope that if (and when, as I am sure it will happen) I break this rule again he steps up straight away again and punishes me.  It’s not that I want punishment; I just need him to be HOH and step up and do what he said he would do.  I mean, really, how hard is it to bend some one over and do what needs to be done?  It doesn’t take all night; it’s not that hard surely? 

I was going to post a blog yesterday about how insecure and lost I was feeling – but those feelings have gone.  Thanks to The Maple Wood Paddle.

Yes - it finally arrived.  The Maple Wood Paddle.  I can now very safely say I am not a paddle virgin anymore.

He said he could sit there for hours and just paddle me, he said he loves the feel of it in his hand, its comfortable, feels good and doesn’t make his hand sore.  Hummmmfff - what about my rear end?  He said it’s his new favourite implement over the cane (thank you Lord for small mercies)

Needless to say I got my first paddling last night.    It was more of a good girl paddling than punishment.  I had done nothing wrong, I stuck with my budget.  In truth he could have found a zillion other reasons to punish me as I have been such a moody sulky brat and if the shoe was on the other foot I would have punished me.  But it was his decision.

Still, I got paddled.  And even though it wasn’t really hard, it did burn.  And it had me wriggling a little and moaning and wanting to reach back and rub but I was too scared to as he would have paddled my hands I am sure – he has caned my hand before now when I have reached back.  He got me right in the sit spot a few times and on the back of the thighs.    I didn’t get the emotional release of crying that I thought I was looking for, but just the mere fact he asked me to undress and lay across the bed and I did so without any hesitation completely submissively and took my paddling completely and relaxed into it,  rebalanced me and I feel so much better today.  We feel so much more connected - or at least I do.  We snuggled in bed and fell asleep in each others arms, which doesn’t always happen.  My insecurity has vanished – for now. 

He even asked me last night was I ok with the discipline still.  Seriously???  Was he really asking ME?????    Of course I am in fact I need him to be stricter with me.  He said oh fuck and then said you can see how I am with my child - I let things slide - and I said well I need you to not let things slide with me.  And he just groaned. 

So I will try and talk again - I'm scared of going overboard and becoming obsessive - or at least him thinking I’m obsessive.

I need to try and get him to understand how I think maintenance could be good for me....not every week but just when I feel out of balance and out of kilter if I could go to him and ask him.  Or if I could tell him that when I feel insecure then a spanking would probably put things right so if I could just go to him and say honey I’m feeling a bit insecure, then he would know what to do without me even asking outright.  No strings attached, just a spanking until I’m feeling better.  It’s not exactly hard to bend me over and do what he needs to do is it?  It also doesn’t take a lot of time....just a little bit of attention from him to set me straight, to make me feel loved and protected and cared for and secure – such an important word.

So yes, the wooden paddle.  I have to admit I do like it.  I like the fact that he likes it.  If he likes an implement then he is going to be more eager to use it perhaps?  I hope so.   I dread the use of it in a punishment though.    So now we have the cane, the studded strap and the paddle…what’s next?  I’m so curious about a Loopy Johnny.  I am very tempted to get one.

Its such a relief to be feeling better and secure once again.  I should tell him how it makes me feel.  I should broach the subject again with him about discipline and to make sure he knows that I am so alright with it that he doesn’t have to worry, and to just ask him to make sure he steps up when I need him to.