OK. Well I got home and he made a comment on my email and asked me what ground rules did i want to make. But that's as far as it got. As I smiled and took a deep breath to commence "the talk" he got distracted with a phone call and we didn't actually talk any more about it except for him to say that he was going to punish me for my bad temper tantrums all week but not that night he just wanted to make love to me instead and I'm all good with that. (I had texted him earlier and explained that I felt bad about my temper tantrums all week and was he going to punish me for them). .
Saturday came, I think every friend in his phone book turned up and all I wanted to do was housework and tidy up. So I might have been a little "off" in his books. I don't think i was rude to anyone, i was sociable when needed to, i did little chores as well. I don't think anyone minded. They know i work full time.
Saturday night came and I was Punished. Big time, one to remember for a while actually, it started out intense and went from there, it hurt and lasted a long time. He said I was never to get on my high horse like i had been that week ever again. After the spanking he actually sent me to bed. He followed pretty much straight after but i felt very humbled.
ON Sunday morning he made some comments about me doing as I am told and I pointed out to him that this discipline that we do is not an invitation for him to bully me about. He agreed and said of course not. So i took a breath and asked him so, its not just a game to you then, you are actually OK and willing to do this, to discipline me when you think I need it. He whole heartedly agreed but when i tried then to suggest maybe we should have a couple of rules so that we know what to expect from each other, he didn't want to talk about it. He said that he would punish me when he decided to.
I know he is the head of the house and in charge and I have to submit to him and his decision and if this is his decision i should accept it.
I just want him to take control and initiate punishments without me asking for them. I feel that is defeating the object. Occasionally yes i may do something that he thinks doesn't warrant a punishment but I may feel it does and so i can ask for it. But every time? Its defeating the object.
I think we need a starting point. I need to know what he expects of me, rules to be set. I need him to know what i expect of him too. Consistency, no empty threats, i need him to differ the severity of punishments. So far its been the cane, always the cane no matter what. I hate the cane it leaves not only a physical impression but one mentally and emotionally. He waved it behind me on Friday night just jokingly but i ran from it - So great for a really bad crime.
He told me that this is (submission, obedience, accountability and punishment) what he wants to do, that its not just a game to him. If that's the case surely we need a starting point, we need to know what to expect from each other. I don't want to ask for punishments each and every time. I need to know that he will punish me for a broken rule, just as soon as possible. Not delayed and put off until the end of the week. If the kids are about he can take me for a "walk" to the pool house and spank me there. He could even just send me to bed - easy enough to say that mum is not feeling too well she is going for a lie down.
Perhaps i should write him a little scenario of how i would like to see it work between us - just as an example last week when we went grocery shopping and i had a bit of a tantrum and demanded the cash cards back. Perhaps a little scenario of how I would have like to have ended might help him see what i am talking about.
Or I should just shut the hell up and leave it alone now.
Or I should just keep trying to talk to him.
I think rules are a good idea, its a starting point, clearly setting out what is expected. How else is it going to work without rules.
I can see another email coming on. I am beginning to hate emails. I really need to learn to talk but he is hard to talk to about this, and finding the right time is difficult.
kiwi.,
ReplyDeleteIt seems like when he really tried to be assertive...
"he made some comments about me doing as I am told and I pointed out to him that this discipline that we do is not an invitation for him to bully me about. He agreed and said of course not."
that you were trying to control the conversation/situation. Maybe I don't understand the situation, but if he's going to be in charge then giving you instructions doesn't seem to be bullying you about.
Kitty
Kitty, you are so right. I was just trying to bring up the conversation and thats why i said what i said. He said he was ok with and willing to discipline me when he thinks i need it. So what is wrong with me that i cant accept that. I think i just want some structure. To know that he has some rules for me to follow and that he will step up and punish me when i step out of line. And because i do actually like being spanked (different from being punished) then a weekly just because spanking would be good - because im not going to need discipline every week. I think rules are good starting point - so you know what to expect from each other. I know Im supposed to do as I am told and I know that if I dont he will punish me in some form.
ReplyDeleteour list of rules didn't come when i wanted them. I wanted to know what to expect. I get a free pass when the rule is made then next time the paddle comes out. Fair,I think. the list has grown. It is really just one rule. Act like a Lady and I'm fine. Yep. That's it.
ReplyDeletePatience. Slow down and breath. You can’t force this. You want him to control it and can’t expect it to go your way. That is what submission is all about.
Hi Little Missie. I know your words are so true. He said he is willing to and is ok with discplining me when i need it, and he will when he do decides. I just think i want to know what to expect him from me and me from him. I've drafted a little short email but i am going to leave it for a while and see what happens. Maybe in the next couple of weeks i might try and bring up the subject again to discuss. I will post a little bit of history abou us in the next day or so :) thank you for your advice :) Im going to take a breath and slow down. Patience is not one of my virtues im afraid
ReplyDeleteIt's perfectly fine and understandable to want and need to know his expectations. Ask him to please talk to you about how he sees this thing working for the two of you. It's also ok to say it does not feel right to you if you have to ask to be punished every time, because then you are in the driver's seat. What does he see as punishable issues? No one can operate well in a vacuum of communication. My advice is to keep talking...but let him have time to figure things out too. Sometimes it works best to present your problem, and then let him come up with his solution. Sara
ReplyDeleteA lot of good advice here already which I agree with. I think you should try and have an actual face to face talk with him when you both have the time to do it. Think ahead of time what you want to say so it gets addressed and then give him the time to digest it all and respond. I don't know you or your husband, but I know some men can be resistant to what they see as "instructions". It takes time to build this type of relationship. It can be hard to want and need something so badly and not have it play out the way you thought it would, but try to be patient with him so he doesn't become resistant to the whole thing and feel nagged.
ReplyDeleteYou guys are all so awesome with such good words of wisdome - thank you so much :)
ReplyDeleteI feel like I am in the exact same boat. My HOH makes up the "rules" as we go along. I want written rules. I want more structure he wants to see what happens as we go along. Ugh, so frustrating. Also my punishments and discipline are not regular either. It gives me the impression that he doesn't care. What's a girl to do? Thanks for posting this and making me see I am not alone!
ReplyDeleteHi shafers girl - glad you posted - exactly I feel that he doesnt care too :( it hurts and im frustrated. YOu are not alone that is for sure. I know he loves me but he obviousy doesnt want to do this. :(
ReplyDelete