Stepping Up

I am speechless, well maybe not quite,  but shocked certainly, in a pleasant way.  My HOH has suddenly decided to step it up.

I had major discipline on Sunday evening, one which he fully described was going to happen, he made me wait and watch as he got ready, he put me in place, held me in place, punished me soundly and then loved and cared for me afterward.  All that being said, I felt it didn't really make me sorry for the things I was being punished for.  For three weeks or so I have been waiting for this punishment, by that time, I was emotionally wrung out, angry and frustrated.  So although the punishment was severe, it took care of my anger and frustration, it certainly didn't make me feel sorry. 

So I bravely asked him if he would punish me again on Monday.  He did.  But in a much smaller way.  It hurt but probably because I was still so sore from the previous evening. 

Then all this week I have been trying to find the courage to talk to him properly about my feelings, about my need for him to set me rules and consistency, about how I feel that Sunday dealt with my feelings of anger and frustration, how I felt that I needed more discipline and everything else.

I actually wrote out what I wanted to say with the intention of just using it as a prompt when talking to him so that I didn't forget anything.  Still, I have chickened out all week. 

Yesterday morning the bloody piece of paper decided to have a mind of its own and it fell out of my handbag as I was getting ready to leave for work.  Before  I had chance to grab it, he got it first.  He had a quick glance and said he would read it later.  He held it away from me just like a parent does holding something out of reach of a child.

Last night I get home and we go about our usual evening things, he even took me out for a quick quiet dinner.  We get home, sat watching a bit of TV and he suddenly gets up and gets the note. 

AND reads it in front of me.  I am scarlet at this stage as this still very much embarrasses me to talk about.

He just takes hold of my arm. tells me to go to bed, he will be in shortly.  I was fluffing around when he comes to bed and gets in.  He takes down the cane and waves it around a little and tells me to get across his knee, that I am going to get spanked.  I eventually get across his knee despite protestations and proclamations of innocence - why do we hesitate when its what we have asked for - and as for innocence, well I wasn't quite innocent was I, I still needed punishing, and so he was doing just that.

He spanked me hard with his hand and then whipped me with the cane all the while telling me off for everything I had done in the last couple of weeks.  I eventually started to cry and said how sorry I was and that I was never going to do it again.  He then just held me across his lap, while he watched his TV show, giving me gentle swats now and then, but me not daring to relax as I just didn't know when it was over.

Finally, he said I was dismissed and could get up.  Something clicked in that spanking.  I know in my heart I wont be using the credit card again without permission for a long long time.  I don't know what it is, or what was different, but something was.

He told me that I have one more coming tomorrow morning before work and then my record will be expunged - until the next time.  Oh!!! OK dear.

And he said we are also going to talk tonight about rules and consistency.  He said he will need help with consistency as he often is forgetful.  But he wants to set me some rules, he wants to be consistent, and he wants to be strict. 

If I have rules that I would like him to set for me, things Id like his help with,  is this topping from the bottom?  There is a fine line.  I think maybe he will get the hang of it when he hears my suggestions.  I don't want to top from the bottom, but how else can I put suggestions to him until he gets the idea? 

Maybe he has just suddenly realized what power he has in his strong hands.  Maybe just maybe I'm going to start to get what I so desperately need.  I hope so.  I know everyone says it takes time, and I know I'm not the most patient of people, I know what it is I need, I can see in my head how things could work for us, and I want it to happen right now, without all the humps and bumps, but this is a learning curve, its teaching me making me grow and stretch out of my comfort zone in talking and opening up about my feelings in a very difficult topic.  Its all good for me and in the long run its all good for him and me.