They hold the power in their hands. We, as loving faithfully adoring wives, give them that with our consent to spank us. When we first approach them with this lifestyle and they agree to it and rules are formed and boundaries set and we get the first punishment spanking, when they suddenly start to run with it and things evolve, even when we find the courage to ask for a spanking, the power they hold is tremendous.
What are we supposed to do when that power shifts? How are we meant to feel? It’s not a pleasant feeling. It’s uncomfortable, it’s nerve wracking, and it’s like indecision nothing secure or safe…balancing. One wrong word, step and the whole thing of DD comes crashing down around your ears.
A power shift happened in our house last night and I’m not coping well with it. Well, lots of things have happened since then and I am now in turmoil and it’s resulted in me just emailing my husband and asking him to paddle me tonight….urgghhh! Maybe that is what it will take to balance things up again, to shift the power back to Sir.
It started with the up coming haircut. We have separate bank accounts. I earn more than he does at the moment, but it’s just a temporary thing. It’s just the way it is. It’s not a big deal for us. We share living costs as equally as we can and usually things work out really well. However this hair cut of mine is going to be expensive. (I can’t believe just how much hairdressers cost these days) anyhow…I asked him for a contribution towards it, which wouldn’t normally be a problem. But he had spent all his money. He had nothing left to give me. I couldn’t believe it. In one day, all his left over was gone. I asked him what he had spent it on. Respectfully of course, I didn’t interrogate him. I just asked him and he couldn’t remember. I was annoyed. I have to say. I really was. I think as a submissive wife we are allowed to be annoyed at our HOHs. I wasn’t disrespectful. I didn’t yell or swear. I was just annoyed.
I went quiet and pondered for a while and a little later I asked him if we could talk. This money rule is not working very well. I think he has less will power than me. So I suggested that I take back access to the card. I suggested that he keep his left over few dollars for his own spending money. I will still keep to the grocery budget. I will not go silly and just spend and spend. But I feel that I am possible stronger than he is in keeping control of the finances, so we are trying it like this for a while. But it was me making all the decisions. He just went along with it. OK I'll be fair, he didn't just go along with it. He agreed for now we will give it a try.
That got me thinking. The balance of power had shifted and it was uncomfortable. I felt nervous and a bit worried. I don’t want to be dominant, make rules; I don’t even want to be equal. I want him to lead, make rules, and be the boss so to speak. I wanted to make sure he was still willing to spank for other infractions, if the money rule was off the table. I asked him later that night if he still was willing for other stuff in a hushed whisper in the dark of the night just on the brink of sleep (gee I can pick my times to talk I know) he said he was but he didn’t sound too sure to me.
I woke up early this morning. Something was (still is) niggling at me in the pit of my stomach. Something is not quite right. This thing with this money and the fact the he couldn’t remember what he had spent it on. It felt like I was being fobbed off. That he was hiding something. How can he not remember what he had bought only that very day? I was up early to do my step aerobics. I usually switch the computer on ready for him when he gets up. So after I exercised, I did just that. Then I did something really, really stupid. And now I can see how sneaky it looks.
I am very ashamed of it. I checked his bank account. Or at least I tried to. I managed to incorrectly type the access code 3 times and then it locked me out completely.
I told him as soon as he got up. But he got mad at me. He accused me of going behind his back and being sneaky.
I can see now how it looks. I should have just waited until he was awake. But, I didn’t. And now I feel as guilty as sin. I emailed him and apologized. I told him I didn’t mean to do it sneakily and asked him to paddle me for it. The phone rang not more than 10 minutes after I sent the email. It was Sir. All he said was I got your email. I love you and yes you are going to get the paddle for what you did this morning. He said goodbye and then hung up.
So now here I am its lunchtime. I’m anticipating a hard paddling tonight for my actions this morning. (Only it wont be with my jeans on that's for sure) Maybe this is what I need to have the power shift back again. I seriously didn’t mean to “go behind his back” and sneakily look into his account. Neither of the accounts are a secret from one another, I just couldn’t remember the code for his, and I typed it in wrong. He has a point. I should have waited for him to wake up.
It’s been one of those mornings, ever since I felt the power shift yesterday over the money rule, I woke up thinking something wasn’t quite right, that gut feeling. Maybe it wasn’t that there was something wrong, maybe its just I’m not used to having some power back in my hands and it tail spun me. Rules and boundaries have changed and it has taken some getting used to.
I guess I will see how I feel this time tomorrow. Will the paddling have the same effect even though I have asked for it, rather it coming from him? I wish it had come from him. But it seems like he didn’t even think about it this morning. I hope it still has an effect. I am sure it will. I am sure the lecture and the telling off will get me in that “mind space” it’s supposed. My guilty feelings have gotten me half way there….he will do the rest tonight.
I want the balance of power to be shifted back into his corner. I don’t want it at all. It feels like roller coaster ride and I was never a fan of them anyway.
That sounds like a difficult situation. DD can cause quite the predicament sometimes. It's hard when they mess up. For example, I go through a red light? I get spanked. Cael goes through a red light? Nothing. It's hard. That's one thing about DD, we're all human, the Dom/HoH can't be perfect all the time, it's just not possible. Unfortunately, with the dynamic, it's hard for the submissive when the Dom messes up. What we do, and this helps me, maybe it'd help you too, is he holds me to my standard, not his standard. So, he doesn't necessarily have to abide by all my rules, not all of them would be appropriate or achievable for him. I imagine it's not easy for you, to have been the more financially responsible one. But maybe it'd help if he held you to your own standard with regard to money, independent of his? Just a thought, perhaps I'm totally off though!
ReplyDeleteGood luck and good luck with your paddling. Hopefully that will help reestablish the power. *hugs*
hi Riley, yes the more i think about it today the more i realise im still accountable to him. I still have my grocery budgets and still have to "confess" if i have over spent. So he still has the power. I know i have it coming tonight and i was a little worried in case he forgets, but i know he wont. I have to get everything ready for it...for that reason...so he cant forget. I have the butterflies already...this is going to be a hard one..... im not looking forward to it at all
DeleteBrace yourself for a long comment, hon.
ReplyDelete1) In some cultures, the wife is expected to take care of all finances. This is within a patriarchal culture. The husband hands the wife his paycheck, and she gives him an "allowance" of his own paycheck for what she deems his reasonable expenses. This does not mean she is HoH, not at all! In that context, the husband takes care of "outside" affairs while money is considered the wife's domain, the domestic side of the relationship. I'm not saying this is right or that women should take care of money, but it might be helpful to re-frame taking control of finances as one way to *submit* to your husband. Yes, I said submit. It's performing one of the daily domestic chores in submission to your husband so that he can be freed to take care of his family. I know that in a lot of cultures control of money is seen as the HoH's job and an expression of power, but I'd encourage you to think/talk about ways that this can be a positive step. Feel free to email me privately at ana_stasia at yahoo dot com if you want to hear more. :) What I'm trying to say is that submission is what works for you and your husband. Taking control of finances does not lessen your submission unless both you and your husband say it does.
2) In a separate matter, is it usual for you to ask for money from each other? Because was it "going over" for you to ask money from him? If it is, I second Riley's suggestion that he could hold you to your own standard of finances.
3) I've come to really like you, miss kiwi girl, but I have to say...is a paddling going to be enough to make amends for checking his bank balance? Only because you're feeling bad about all of this, obviously, and in a way your messing up here might be your way of re-establishing balance...you put yourself in the wrong and that re-centers him in his space of authority.
In a side note...um...I really really hope you can hear this in the spirit of love and from someone who has, in a short time, come to cheer for you...you kind of have a pattern of going against what your husband sets down and then wondering if he's being inconsistent. I wonder if it might help to address that directly when you talk to him, and acknowledge (if you agree here, which you very well might not) that it's difficult for him to maintain authority when you obey sometimes and go against what he says other times (like with WW). I wonder if starting with that might open up some conversation about how both of you are navigating the power balance and shifts of power? It's not easy being on the other side, second-guessing yourself and not wanting to either be too strict or too lenient, wondering if you're making the right decisions (just ask any parent of a teen-ager! lol)
Anyway...best of luck to you, lots of crossed fingers and toes, and sympathy for the paddling coming your way. Hang in there...it will get better. Hugs.
Hi Ana, thank you - i really like you too. You make some really good valid points. Maybe subconsciously i misbehaved to test that he still wants DD - given our conversation the previous night. WEll i got my answer didnt i.
DeleteI do realize, the more i think about it, I am still very much accountable to him with money, so the balance of power shift i think was in my head...its certainly starting to shift back again already...just the thought of the paddling tonight has me shifting in my seat as we speak....wish me luck. I deserve it though and I am going to do my best to submit totally and not move for it....
Ooo I like Riley's idea. Hi, I rarely comment here but I understand this one massively so I thought I'd chime in! I, too, am the more financially responsible one. By a long shot. I was just raised to be very very cheap and he was raised to do whatever he pleased with his money. He's gotten much better but it's just an obvious and known fact that I'm better with numbers and with keeping track of the budgeting and such.
ReplyDeleteIn fact I had kind of a financial issue just today. My husband is a soldier and he's on rotation so he's away and in the woods for the week with little to no cell service. A few days ago we ordered the new ipad. He wanted it to be a nice birthday present for me, I was a little drunk at the decision time, and I wanted him to make the decisions. All this added up to me not saying that that was too much money and we have other things we need right now. Today I finally freaked and I couldn't decide if I should cancel the order or not if I couldn't get ahold of him. In the end I did get ahold of him but I think I would have canceled anyway. Why? Because it's in our best interest and it needed to be done. But the control would have spazzed me out too.
Anywho, my point here is that he can still be in control with you in control of finances. I'm essentially in control of watching everything, budgeting everything, making sure everything is in order. But if a bill is paid late it's my ass...literally :) And he wants me to ask for any purchases over 50 dollars that aren't groceries. But of course...he does the same. I don't usually spend any money but all the same I'm in general control of finances but there's still rules. Rileys suggestion sounds great. You be in control of the money but like me, if something goes wrong it's punishable.
Good luck! I hope you get what you need!
Hi Ashley Marie, thank you. Glad you can understand. The more I have been thinking about it the more i realize i am still very much accountable to him and the limits he sets for me....the power shift was all in own head and its certainly started to shift back again.
DeleteI know i have it coming tonight and I am not looking forward to it one little bit (spanko and all that i am). I was wrong to do what i did and i can see how he saw it as sneaky and devious. I was wrong and deserve whatever he gives me.
and if i do overspend or break my budget (that hasnt changed) it is very much a punishable offence....so yes, still very much accountable still.
Deletethanks x
If it makes you feel any better... There are people who employ people just to keep up with their personal finances. I know someone who makes a very good living at doing this for others. She does not have a college degree, but makes way more than some. The clients call her, and ASK HER if they can buy this or that. She tells them whether they can budget it in. These are clients with lots of money, and not only pay her, but give her expensive things and trips, etc. This is because they also count on her when they've messed up in other ways (like just left town and forgot to get a sitter for their pets, and needs her to do it for them). The client is the BOSS. He gets to ultimately decide. Budgeting isn't their strong point (or they are just too busy handling other things) so they hire her. She is still accountable to her clients, even though she decides about the money.(Wouldn't you love that job!!) I want you to know I also understand why you needed to reassure yourself by looking into the bank account. With all we hear today, about all the stuff that goes on in people's lifes, most women's biggest need is security (emotional, physical, financial, etc). We panic when we feel we are left "out there" wondering stuff... We want to know and be reassured. If he spanks you, he should first show you, and reassure you. When he does that, it will make you feel safe, and help you to feel safer in other situations. God Bless You and Yours, Belle L
ReplyDeleteHi Bella, thank you, yes it does make me feel a bit better and wow what a job. The more I think of it the more i realize that im still accountable to Sir with spending, its just he has realized his weakness and is giving me a chance to shine. Lets hope i dont let him down. I was starting to panic also a little bit about whether he will forget to punish me tonight, but i know he wont because its part of my responsibilty to get it all ready for when the time comes - for that very reason - so he doesnt forget *sigh*. I know i have it coming. I have those butterflies already. I know it will be OK...I'm a spanko but I'm not looking forward to this one.
DeleteOh and he did reassure me this morning. He held me and hugged me and told me over and over and over that he loves me and there is nothign going on that I should feel worried about.
DeleteGrrr my comment disappeared. I haven't read the comments yet but i want to ask you a question. Firstly why do you see this as a power shift? Gaining responsibility is not the same as gaining power. Submissives have many responsibilities. See it as a task. And again I'll come back to it; was it with the permission to spank you gave him power? Maybe in thinking that is what causes you so much confusion and...dare i say fear? (no i don't mean of him). My point is that maybe you look at it from the wrong end. Your submission don't lie in permission to spank but in the will to follow.
ReplyDeleteEven submissives are better at some things than others -even their Doms ;-) so why not utilize that talent? Together you have more skills than apart. Together you can reach better results. Submissive does not mean incapable or having no responsibility. And you know what we even hold some power ;-) it is inevitable. After all we are sensible intelligent people, not dolls. Ok this was intended to be short -as successful as usual Lol.
LOL hi Melinda my friend, yes always short and to the point :P hehehe...yes i see the difference I really do. Even yesterday I saw the difference by the time id posted my thoughts and then "calmed" down. other stuff is going on that needs to be sorted and we will be back on track :)
Deletehugs kiwi xxx
This is a hard one Kiwi! I didn't have time to read all the comments but I don't suppose it's possible to put all the money together and then be mutually responsible?
ReplyDeleteI handle our finances. In a sense I do have total control. M jokes and says that he's not allowed to carry cash but that's a rule he made for himself b/c it disappears on little things. He's different with cards...only buys necessities and tells me about everything so that I can make sure we are okay. I don't know...I don't feel like I'm in control, just that it is my assigned job to handle our money. I think I have it easier than you though b/c we don't need to separate funds.
I hope you find a good balance. Just keep talking, you'll find a way that works.
Hi Susie, no at the moment its not possible. Eventually yes. Its a responsibility not a power shift...but it sure felt like one to start off with. Things are better :)
DeleteI agree with Melindas comment, that maybe you can try to look at it as a gain of responsibility rather than a gain of power. Yes they kind of go hand in hand in a certain way, but I like how she said to look at it as a "task." If you can think of it that way, then maybe that could help out a little bit. Also I think tonights paddling will get you back into seeing how the power lies in him. Good luck with it all!
ReplyDeleteHi Playful, yes i do too :) and yes the paddling (caning and whipping) also helped. He said he didnt even need to tell me off because I knew what i was in trouble for.
Deletehugs kiwixx
Kiwi,
ReplyDeleteI adore you of course :) but I think Ana is onto something. I think you often push to see if the fences you want are still there. You love your man, but you lack confidence in him as hoh. Ironically, I think it might possibly undermine his own confidence.
Being sneaky seems deliberate to me. Failing at his access code three times takes time! It's not something you stumble upon. So you essentially disobeyed and then asked for consequences..all as a tactic. I'm not sure you really understand yourself why you do this.
To me it seems you are driven by fear- fear that the power shift is ALREADY there, fear that he's not in control..but then inadvertently you may be the cause of it coming to fruition. Does that make any sense? I could be all wrong :)
If I did what you did, my husband wouldn't spank. He'd say what the heck? What is going on here? What is it you are worried about? Why didn't you come to me? It would be understood that there is a huge and deep issue there that we need to discuss and resolve.
Finally, I think the most intimate and trusting thing to do is to combine your finances. You are married and it's all YOURS. Together.
PS on a lighter note that must be some kind of haircut!
hi stormy. yes maybe she is. maybe subconsciously i did that to test that the boundaries were still there. I tested and i lost and i found out last night that yes the boundaries are still very much there.
DeleteA lot of what is going on is my insecurity with The Thorn. Its growing steadily where in fact it needs a good prune. Not my call and its really difficult for me to accept the call that has been made...so that is where that stems from.
He did hug me tight and assure me that its me he loves and that he is not going anywhere....he knows my insecurity over this issue.
We cant joint money together just yet...we will do eventually but just for reasons i cant divulge here we just cant.
Im tempted to post a bit of history prompted by your comments hon, but that is scary too...i dont want to reveal too much info. Its a balancing act.
thanks chick, as always your thoughts and comments are appreciated
hugs kiwi xx
kiwi-money is ALWAYS a sticky one. One of the most common reasons for divorce! Time and lots of communication and you two will figure it out. One question, though, and pardon me if it is too blunt: why did you ask him for a contribution in the first place? Best of luck to you both,
ReplyDeleteSaoirse
Hi Saoirse, yes money - root of all evil! I wish we could do without it altogether.
DeleteBills were due out from my account and i knew (or thought I knew) he had a little spare this week and so as i had just bought something for him out of mine, he could return the favour. Guess i was wrong. It worked out. I had enough...i dont like dipping into savings, savings are savings and once they are in that account they dont come back out again.
Its complicated!
But then life is isnt it.
Anyway he sorted me out good and proper last night "ouch"
hugs kiwi xx
I think a LOT of women seem to be the better ones at handling finances within the relationship. You just have to do whatever works for the both of you. In reading the comments it sounds like things have settled down a bit since you wrote this. Glad to hear it's working itself out.
ReplyDeleteHI Lea, yeah its working itself out since i posted this post....for a minute or two it did feel like a power shift, but the more i thought about it and read poeples comments since posting the better im feeling about - but saying that, he has not really let go of the reigns....proved that to me this morning *pout* LOL
Deletegotta love it though xx
hi,
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I've ever commented here so I don't feel like you know me well but I did have a couple thoughts... I really agree with the people who pointed out that actually doing the finances is a responsibility and not necessarily a power shift but I was curious if your husband agreed? Only because for us as women that is usually how we look at it but I've read in a couple different relationship books that clearly show the differences between the sexes , men often do look at money as power.
From personnal experience J was as someone mentioned, if he had cash in his pocket it was gone , so in the beginning of our marriage (before DD) I did the finances but he began to feel as if 1.) he never saw the money he worked so hard for 2.) that I was policing him and being a natural dominant didn't appreciate that one ioda. We often thought he couldn't do it but when I just refused to do it anymore saying I cant we actually found he's better at it than I ever was. Because the weight of it all is on his shoulders he polices his own spending..... it was shortly after that I saw the need for DD in our relationship.
And then I also wanted to say that I've actually read a book supporting stormy's comment about your lack of confidence in him undermining his confidence in himself... She clearly showed how that is true. and How important it is to show faith in your man even when you don't believe it...
good luck
Hi and welcome. m I agree now in hindsight that it is a responsibility rather than a shift in the power. He has proved himself in no uncertain terms this weekend that he has not in any way handed over control *pout* lol. Gotta love it really
Deletehugs kiwi xx
just a little late add-on ( a bit on Stormy's line): do you realize how often you say "maybe subconsciously i did..."? I think yo test a lot. Unconsciously? yeah, maybe at times.
ReplyDeleteBut like Stormy says; all the testing from your side is probably a contributing factor to his "inconsistencies", at least my thinking would be 'this obviously isn't working since she keeps going against me, so now i'll try it this way...'.
I've said it plenty times before but i will again: stop testing and pushing the boundaries all the time and you'll soon see that they'll get steadier. Don't huff and puff that house down ;)