I DONT want to

This is a little like the conversation I  had with myself over the weekend.

I feel a bit lost….get a map!

I’ve lost motivation….no, you are just being lazy

I don’t want to submit…  YES you do really.

I don’t want to lose weight…Yes you do, it’s just getting hard.

I don’t want to exercise… Umm who does!

 (see, its hard work)

AND I don’t want to need spanking…. But you do, so be it.   AND I cant take a spanking anymore they hurt too much … get over it Kiwi, they are meant to hurt, its not going to kill you, you need to submit to it, you asked for this now just get on with it. AND I’m scared in case I have gone off spanking…oh yeah right, like that’s ever going to happen kiwi!

Two weeks in a row now our maintenance has not happened well its has, just a day late  And I have not pushed for it to happen either, even though I have been given the opportunity.  It will happen tonight, just like last week it was just a day late.  And that I can live with.  But it scares me a little to think that I didn’t “worry” that it didn’t happen.  On the positive side this is a good thing, it could mean that I am more comfortable in knowing it will happen.  He offered last night when I happened to mention that we had forgotten “just because”.  He offered to get up out of bed.  But I suggested we should wait until tonight.  This is not like me.  But maybe this is just a new phase or our journey.  Maybe it means I am comfortable now knowing it will happen and that I don’t get all wound up when it doesn’t.  Or maybe I put it off because it’s hard and it hurts and it’s just as bad a punishment.  I don’t want maintenance to feel like that.

AND My weight loss last week was abysmal. , Well it was non existent to be honest.   I worked so hard, I stayed on track, tracked every point I ate, I did my step aerobics 4 times – and then I gained weight -  200g - which is not a lot, I know this.  And it was that time of the month so I should expect to gain – I always do.  But it has thrown me completely off the wagon.

I need to climb back on.

If I don’t lose this week then I guess Ill be facing the paddle again.  He didn’t paddle me last week for the gain of 200g – he understood it was barely nothing and of course the wrong time of the month.  This week, he has sat back and watched me – given me rope to hang myself.  I think I’m about to hang!  But maybe sitting me down and talking to me, lecturing me, would work better than a paddling. Or maybe both? 

A prime example would be Saturday.  I got a good paddling for an issue I had been procrastinating over for a few weeks now and Sir had reached the limit of his patience.  I got the severe telling off and then 10 hard strokes of the paddle in a brand new position – kneeling on the bed, head down, back arched and bum sticking way out……

This position only with the paddle instead

Holy moly it hurt and I could not stay in position he had to tell me time and time again and I got extra for those.   I still have a couple of little bruises right in the sit spot, right in the creases where the thighs meet the buttocks.  But I have to admit it got me motivated and I did what I have been putting off for a few weeks now…when I finally got out of the corner … He looked like the cat that got the cream afterwards.  He felt so proud of himself.  I have to admit that afterwards, I could feel the aftermath, it felt good.

I need to work on this, my submission, my motivation.  I need his help and support but I need to look deep within myself to find that part of me again, that soft submission.  I need to be respectful once more (no more telling him to fuck off  no matter how mad I might be, no more giving fingers behind his back, I need to curb the cheeky attitude and learn where the line is.  I know what needs to be done and I need to do it, without question, without comment, without hesitation, without being disgruntled.

BUT I need him to take this seriously, when these incidents happen to jump on me like a ton of bricks, not to let them slide.  Perhaps I should just tell him this.  Maybe tonight is the night during maintenance, during our “just because” session that I should talk to him about this.  And maybe during maintenance, the spanking doesn’t have to be so hard and so fast and over so quickly.  I understand and accept that punishment is just that, and he gives me what he thinks I deserve.  But with maintenance I want to enjoy and submit to it.  I want it to feel like a reconnection, a reminder to behave or else things would be worse.  I want it to make me feel like this is me, this is Sir.  Sir is the one who loves me cares for me protects me and its sir that I obey and submit to.  And right now I struggle with this.  It’s funny, when I know I am in trouble for something I can lay down and submit to whatever punishment he dishes out. 

But with maintenance, well pardon the pun but I think I’m just not “feeling it”.