Ten Commandments of Nightshift ...written in sand to be washed away

So,  this is the first day of night shift. Sir has helped me acclimatize myself to going to bed without him by enforcing a bedtime rule for me.  I wont lie and say its been easy.  Me having to go to bed while he was staying up late downstairs.  But I will say it was easier than I thought.  I actually quite liked it.  Even his barking up the stairs "Get back to bed" when I had to go to the toilet. Sir has told me that he will ensure I will stick to my bedtime rule now that he is not here on a night.  So here is what he has stipulated.  My Ten Commandments of Nightshift. 1.   Bedtime at 10.30pm with no exceptions. 2.   Phone call to Sir at 10.30 to say goodnight (and I had better be in bed when I make the call). 3.   Nightly glass of milk before bed. 4.   Exercise (step aerobics) from 1st December at least twice weekly, whether morning before Sir gets home or evening after work, I can choose. 5.   Clean up after dinner and make sure kitchen is tidy and lunches ready for the next day. 6.   Fold any laundry that has been left for me. 7.   No arguments with Little Miss whatsoever, if she is misbehaving then I am to report to Sir the next day. 8.   Don't fuss Little Miss about the clothes she chooses to wear the next day.  9.   Don't allow Little Miss to stay up past her bedtime, without express permission 10. Follow the rest of my rules.  Sir will check up on me, without exception. Sir reiterated all these  last night (Sunday night) during our maintenance session with the cane and the riding crop and then packed me soundly off to bed. This sounds all great doesn’t it?  I thought so too. Too good to be true perhaps? Well, back to bedtime, after he had finished maintenance and I got into bed, he told me that I was to stay there and if i got out he wouldn’t hesitate to bring me back upstairs and paddle me, again. I had a really bad night.  Last night he didn’t come to bed at all to make himself ready for his first shift tonight.  Sleep didn’t come easily for me.  Knowing he was downstairs.  (Tonight will actually be easier because I know he is not there - if that makes sense to anyone) I got up a couple of times to go to the toilet.  I waited with baited breath to hear his words up the said "back to bed".  They didn’t come.  Then at 4am I woke up and I had a headache and was thirsty.  So I came downstairs.  He was nice enough and asked what was wrong.  I got myself a drink and sat down for 10 minutes with him until he told me to go back to bed.  So I did, reluctantly. But he certainly didn’t follow me up to paddle me. Finally, daybreak came and my alarm goes off...not that I needed it.  I plodded downstairs and put the kettle on for a cuppa.  I asked him how he was feeling, tired but OK.

But here is where it all starts to unravel and I end up this morning in huge emotional mess.  All because he doesn’t stick to his word.  His Ten Commandments may as well be written in the sand, waiting for the tide to wash them away for all they are worth.

I mentioned that I hadn’t had a good night.  He said he heard me up and about deliberately flushing the toilet and making noises.  Then he asked "what did you want, me to come up and discipline you" but he said it in rather a condescending tone of voice, full of sarcasm and it made me feel so stupid.  I replied, "no of course not".  (Liar that I am)

But I just couldn’t give him the truth, that yes that was what i wanted, but not so much that i wanted a spanking, I just wanted to see if he would stick to his word, i needed the assurance that discipline will still continue.

He went on to say that how on earth can he tell me off when is not here to do it.  I interrupted and said he can on a morning when he comes home, he can ask me, and if I didn’t stick to the rules, then he can then decide what to do.  He asked me, What do I want, him to ring me up and insist I'm in bed.  I’m not some 7 year old running around saying "daddy, daddy look at me I’m still awake".  he carried on to say that if i want to feel tired and horrible the next day then stay up late, he is not here, its entirely up to me.

This is a complete about face of his words during the week, never mind all the things he said to me during maintenance last night.

So of course, I run upstairs to finish getting ready and have a cry without him seeing me. Because I felt so small and stupid because of this stupid need I have.   I left a wet towel on the bed (yes, again testing). 

After I pulled myself together I came back downstairs and made tea and got lunches ready, and that’s when I heard him head upstairs to bed.  Even though an hour later he would have to take his daughter to school. 

I was hurt by this, not only did he just completely ignore the towel, he just threw on the dresser, but he went to bed, didn’t even have a cup of tea with me. 

Now I know he was tired after spending a full night awake.  But I needed to know that he would still make the effort with me.  I don’t see an issue when he gets home on a morning.  I cant see the difficulty in insisting I ring him at 10.30 at night making sure I’m in bed.  Even yesterday during maintenance he said that he is insisting on me being honest and confessing to any rule breaking.

Maybe he is right.  Maybe this discipline and rules thing is just stupid and idiotic on my behalf.  I’m a grown woman who should just do the right thing all the time like any other adult.  Maybe this bedtime rule is just a step too far for him or maybe he was just tired and grumpy.  He did warn me he would be.

Regardless of whatever, he needs to choose his words more carefully.  I (like many of you guys I'm sure) find it hard enough to talk about this need we have, never mind been made to feel stupid about it from the very person we trusted implicitly with it.

I have no idea what it means now.  Do I ring him at 10.30pm tonight?  Do I continue to write in my book.  (I did this morning - about how confused I now am and how awful I am feeling) or am I now free to do just do as I please without any consequences, without any regard to Sir.  Maybe he doesn’t want to be Sir anymore.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have tested him last night.  I should have just stayed in bed, whether asleep or not.  Like he said, if I didn’t sleep then its my own fault I feel tired today.  But I just needed the reassurance that he had meant what he had said.

Obviously not.

He likes inflicting pain and beating my arse sure enough.  He loves that I do as I am told (when I do it), ask permission to do stuff and buy things. He even loves the fact that he is making me do my exercises again (under the threat of consequences if I don’t).  Last week he was great over the bedtime thing.

But this morning....it completely unravelled on me and now I feel like his words are just words in the sand, to be washed away on the next tide.

Maybe he was just tired and I picked the wrong moment.  I wish I knew.  I wish I could talk to him.  I won't see him now until tomorrow morning.  He is asleep in bed now, I am at work.  I get home and then he goes to work.  Now I don't know what to do.  I do know that I am sorry, really sorry for upsetting him and getting on his nerves and I wish I could turn the clock back and not even mention anything to him this morning.  He was tired, I was tired, it should have been about him getting used to nightshift and instead I made it about me.  I do know that I cant bring up the subject again.  Half of me wants to not bother ring him at 10.30 tonight tucked up in bed, doing as I am told, whereas the other half of me is telling me to ride it out, do as instructed and pretend this morning's conversation didn't happen.  He was very tired.  Give him a week of nights to get his system used to it and all will be well again.