Changes

I don’t like change.  Even in something as simple as bank accounts.  I don’t like change at work, I don’t like change in my personal life.  I prefer to keep things as they are, even though I know that change is good, it’s how progress is made.  But still, change is hard and scary.

Our regime is changing.  And it’s scary.  And I don’t like it.  But I am dealing with it.  I am putting on a brave face for Sir because I know it’s for the betterment of my family.  And he doesn’t need the stress of knowing I’m not overly happy.  So I am trying to keep the “bigger picture” in mind.

I am following my rules.  I’m in bed by 10.30pm, ringing Sir.  I got a “good girl” last night when I rang and he asked me where I was.  I’m doing my chores, not fighting with Little Miss (though I have to grit my teeth at times) but on the whole, so far so good (though saying that it’s only been 2 nights LOL).   Wednesday is lunch day with the girls at work, and Sir prefers it if we discuss whether I am going to go or not.  So as usual I asked him this morning.  He said yes of course, he normally does anyway, but likes me to ask, so I did.

I am scared that this change in our routine is going to change our DD dynamic.  I need immediate consequences.  Waiting until maintenance day for punishment just doesn’t work for me all that well.  The punishment loses impetus.  So when he is at home on an evening with me I get those when I have done something wrong.  But now, he is not home when I am home.  I can’t see an issue.  I don’t see what is wrong with him coming home from work and dealing with me IF there is a need.

So far I have done everything right.  But I am bound to mess up at some point.  We all do.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m going to deliberately mess up – I learnt that lesson didn’t I.  But we do eventually do mess up in some way.

I think that was the problem with me last Sunday night.  I needed reassuring that he would still deal with things, even on a morning before I went to work, if need be.  And I went about it the complete wrong way.  Instead of just having a discussion, I tested the boundaries.  Epic fail.

But I will hold fast and be patient and give it time.  I will be good and follow rules and be obedient.  There will be times when I mess up, and I hope that Sir will still do the right thing and step up.  And if he doesn’t, then I will use my words and talk rather than test.  But in the meantime it's still not easy.