I want to get my grove back

I was so looking forward to maintenance this week, but when it actually came down to it I panicked and refused.  I burst into tears and he stood there at the end of the bed demanding that I get into position.  I don’t know what is wrong with me.  I want to get my grove back.

It started on Saturday.  We went fishing; picked a bad spot which had a lot of rocks under the waves that he couldn’t see and we lost a lot of some gear.  Sir got really mad at me for not listening and learning.  When this happens I feel resentful.  I took it that he was blaming me for the rocks.  I was doing the best I could and it wasn’t good enough for him.  I get distant and sulk cry.  I withdraw and get stubborn and I wouldn’t go back and continue fishing, until he absolutely pushed me to.  Then we started catching fish and the day ended in smiles.  Well until I had to climb back up the cliff face and I didn’t go as fast as he wanted me to.  Hummmmph!!!

He told me later that night at home, that beause of my attitude I was so “in for it” when maintenance day came around (the next day).  This is when I realized he just doesn’t understand.   I blurted out to him, "you just don’t get it.  If I do something wrong that you think deserves punishment, punish me that day if we can.  Don’t wait for Sunday (our set day for maintenance).  Maintenance isn’t punishment.  There is a difference".  The conversation pretty much ended there, he said he did get it and that was that.  Nothing else was said or done.

Sunday was not too bad; we went horse riding, which I thoroughly enjoyed (though my thighs are complaining today).  Bedtime came around and we climbed into bed to finish watching a movie together.  No mention of maintenance was said.  I was relieved to be honest.  I felt he was being lenient with me for Saturday.  He hadn’t punished me for my attitude.  So I was grateful for that and I am learning not to question him about it.  It’s his decision.  Or maybe I’m taking advantage because right at the start he did say to me it’s my responsibility to remind him when he says I’m in trouble – and I’m not doing this on the pretense I’m learning to accept his decisions. 

I set the alarm clock and asked him was I getting up in the morning to exercise?  He jumped up out of bed and said “Oh I’m supposed to be caning you”.  He grabbed the cane and the paddle and I just froze.  I just didn’t want to do it.  He whacked the bed cover a few times with the cane telling me to just get to the end of the bed.  I got out of bed, there was a large red mark where the cane had “got me” through the duvet.  I started to cry asking him to please I don’t want to do it tonight”.  He finally relented and held me tight while I cried softly into his chest.  He said he can see he is just going to have to force me.  He doesn’t want to stop this.  He said it’s just as well for me that he is a big softie and he let me off for the night, but its happening tonight.

And herein lays the dilemma for me.   I dont want to top from the bottom.  I'm really trying hard not to do that.  I know I should have submitted to maintenance, punishment whatever it was last night.  And now I feel really guilty about it.  The fact that I refused to submit would/should be enough to warrant a punishment in itself.   But where is the line that is drawn between just being bratty and not submitting to truly not being able to submit for whatever the reason, physical or mental. 

I have searched my soul this morning and this is the email I have sent to Sir.  I really think he delivers maintenance as if it’s a punishment.  And rather than trying to force me into position like he threatened, if he had just sat down, held my hand and said something along the lines like “baby, we need to do this, we need to remind you to stay on track”  OR if he wanted to punish me for the Saturday attitude issue then said that to me, that kind of thing, then maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad.  I wouldn’t have refused the way I did, but he got angry and I really, really, really didn’t want to submit to any kind of spanking after that.

Dear Sir,

Sir, I am sorry that I refused “just because” last night.

Lately I have been struggling with the severity of “just because”.  It is starting to feel like punishments.  I love being spanked, I love your dominance over me, but I don’t like punishments at all – and that is the whole point of them, to stop me doing something you don’t like or to make me do something you want me to do (like exercise for example)

Just because = a less hard spanking, on a regular basis, to remind me that you are Sir and I am submissive to you, I obey you and am respectful to you at all times.  You are the head of the house and I follow you, a reminder that if I don’t behave then it could be a whole lot worse.  A spanking hard enough for me to take notice but not so hard as to feel like a punishment.   A spanking that could be over the knee, or over the bed, a spanking session that includes corner time afterwards or before hand, one that includes a lecture about behaving myself, remembering who is who, making me answer yes sir thank you sir making me say you are sir and that I am to obey and be respectful and submissive to you.  A spanking where if sex follows then there is no confusion or blurred lines.  "Just because" can turn into a punishment if I have done something that day to warrant a punishment.  But you need to tell me that when the time comes.

Punishment = an immediate (or as immediate as privacy allows) hard spanking to make me understand that I have done something wrong or broken a rule or misbehaved in someway that has annoyed you and you want to teach me a lesson not to do it again.  It can include spanking (in that horrible position where my bum is high up in the air), telling off, making me say thank you sir, yes sir, making me say why I am being punished,  corner time, being sent to bed and any other punishment that you think just but preferably not sex. (Sex after a punishment can sometimes be confusing).  And if I do something that deserves punishment on any day, please remember immediate consequences – you don’t have to wait until the “just because” Sunday to carry out the punishment. 

So, maybe we could try again tonight.  If it were up to me I feel that I probably deserve a punishment rather than “just because”.     Punishment or just because – it’s entirely up to you.  xxxx

I need a gentle coaxing back into submitting to spankings whether maintenance or punishment not the heavy handed approach.