Maintenance v punishments = tears and lightbulb moments

          Verses

For the last few weeks I have been struggling with maintenance.  I haven’t been able to take the severity that Sir has been delivering.  I haven’t been able to stay in position.  This makes me feel really bad, I can see his annoyance and his impatience with me and it’s understandable always having to ask me to get back down again.   It got to the point where I thought I might call an end to it all, I started to feel that DD was not going to be for me.  I started to dread it and the two weeks it didn’t happen on the set day – it didn’t phase me and I didn’t remind him about it.  I don’t do much to warrant punishments, or if I do he is being very lenient.  So maintenance for me would be a way to remind me to behave or else it could be far worse.  But in the end maintenance was feeling more and more like punishments.  I am a spanko.  I love spanking, but I don’t like punishments at all.  So I was looking forward to maintenance and have a regular spanking session where if sex followed it didn’t confuse issues or blur lines.  Wasn’t overly hard, where perhaps I could feel subspace again.  So you can imagine how deflated I have felt with it.  It’s been nothing like that at all.  I have felt resentful with it because it’s felt like punishment.  And I have not done anything to deserve it.

And I always cry.  There are always tears.  I don’t want to cry all the time.  I find crying very soul cleansing during a punishment.  But during maintenance, it’s not exactly how I imagined it being.  FOR ME maintenance is a reconnection, a reminder to be good, a reminder of our roles and positions.  That he is Sir and I am me, I am submissive to Sir, obedient to Sir and this is what happens – only worse – when I don’t submit, obey and remain respectful.  Yes, maintenance it should be hard enough for me to take notice, but I don’t think it should feel like a punishment – unless of course I have done something that for maintenance to develop into punishment.   

I have been giving it some thought.  Last weekend, I managed to handle maintenance much better.  I still cried, of course, I think I’m becoming quite a baby and my pain threshold seems to have lessened over the last few months.   

I still get corner time.  Which even with its major cringe factor, standing there naked or at least the lower half of me naked, stinging and red, sniffling, hand above my head on the wall, nose pointing into the corner, while all the time knowing he is watching me, just waiting for the command to come to bed, I still find corner time appealing, its comforting to me.  I find it finishes off everything just nicely and then when I get the call to come out of corner time and into bed, more intimate things may develop.  Corner time I feel for me bring finality to maintenance and punishments.  I feel a bit lost when he doesn’t give me it.

Anyway, I had a bit of a light bulb moment.  I think he considers any form of spanking as punishment.  He uses maintenance as punishment and that is how it feels.  It feels like punishment.

I have talked to him and hopefully he will be little more lenient. I know a lot of people will say it’s entirely up to him how he administers punishments and maintenance, but I feel that I have a right to voice my opinion.  I have a right to say if it’s too much.  And it has been getting too much.  Last weekend, he took it fairly easy on me at first, which helps to let things build up.  It also lasts longer (which is great for any spanko) and so I get that feeling of reconnection much more easily.  It also means that even though it’s Friday and Sunday maintenance is  two days away, I'm not looking for ways to wriggle out of it now, I’m not dreading it like I was beginning to.  I'm actually looking forward to our maintenance session on Sunday and it's a good feeling.