I guess I’m struggling with submission, with a lot of things
My last two posts are a little bit of a repeat of each other.
I’m feeling really out of sorts with myself in ttwd. And I don’t know why.
It’s certainly nothing that Sir has done or not done. He is in fact quite the opposite. He pulls me up when he feels the need (even if it’s a day or two later) he lectures me now when he spanks. He stands me in the corner almost each and every time. He remembers maintenance (though the last two weeks its been a day late) – but he has always offered to get back up out of bed to conduct it (if I want to – which I decline but I’m not sure why).
It’s me. I need to work on myself. I need to understand why I’m suddenly scared of spanking, why I cant submit to them. Why I can’t to submit to Sir.
In a perfect world my Sir would be the best dominant in the world and he would pull me to one side and guide me and lead me back to where I want to be. He would know exactly what to say and he would use those words kindly but firmly and tell me how disappointed he is with me and this mood I have. He would tell me that he doesn’t expect this from me; that he wants expects and demands obedience and submission, love and respect from me. He would nurture me and hold me. He would set me some submission exercises to help me back to that most comfortable place that I long to be. He would even spank me too, spank me for losing that submission in the first place.
Oh to be in a in a perfect world.
In my world, as this is something he doesn’t research, this journey is at my request and he just goes on what we talk about, what I instigate, I am going to have to dig deep within myself, work on me, work on my submission and find it again. I know its there....somewhere.It’s funny, on Saturday when he was telling me off about the issue I was procrastinating over, he said I am too submissive. I asked him what he meant, in what way, and he said in the outside world I am too submissive, I need to be more proactive, more forceful with people. BUT he said, in no way am I to be like that at home. In his world I am to submit to him always.
Oh my gosh, I so know how you feel. I told my husband today that I absolutely hate to ask him to take over, be more dominant, ask for a spanking. He wants submission from me but the he is still learning what I need from him. Let me know if you come up with any ideas, besides bonking them on the head with a frying pan. Lol
ReplyDeleteHi Blondie, why is it so hard for us to ask for what we need and talk about this? I wish I knew. i wish I had answers. The only thing i can suggest is talk. But thats so hard to do sometimes. Patience, and i have decided to just let it all go and follow. He knows what I have asked of him, i know what he asks of me, its time i just let him lead and i just follow :)
Deletehugs kiwi xxx
other than that, i think the frying pan idea is a bloody good one hehehehe ;) but ssshhhhh i didnt say that hehe
DeleteTTWD can get confusing and frustrating. I was always awful at being made to wait. When things didn't happen at the time they were supposed to I felt forgotten. My question for you is do you express to him the things you share on here? That could really help. In your writing you seem to voice your feelings quite well.
ReplyDeleteHi Lea, yeah i used to get very wound up when things were "forgotten". Not so much now. And that is a good thing. I think im getting more comfortable and relaxed knowing that it will happen, even if i have to remind him - and has he said he has given me that responisibilty anyway. Urgh.
DeleteHe doesnt know about the blog. So know i dont share what i say to the extent of showing him, but i do sometimes take what ive posted and comments and email him an edited version. Or i have talked about it with him. Im always so much better at saying how i feel in writing than i am verbally! Sometime to work on
Hugs kiwi xxx
Oh Kiwi, you'll find that place again. Don't worry too much. Do as he asks and keep working at it. None of us have our "perfect worlds" because we live with imperfect men, but when each of us is trying and refuses to give up on the other, we continue to grow. You too!
ReplyDeleteHi Susie,
DeleteYes ive decided to let it all go and just follow his lead. He is very comfortable now with the whole thing, he just needs to tweak a couple of things for me....making it different between maintenance and punishment is the main thing now. He sees maintenance as exactly the same as punishment and i think that is why im finding it really hard to submit to maintenance whereas with a punishment i can take it.
We will get there, but its for me to talk to him isnt it...urghhh i dont like talking
hugs kiwi xxx
Me too and no kidding, it probably took us most of a year to figure out how to make the two different enough that they sent me the right messages.
DeleteI know...that seems like a long time! It was worth the struggle if that is any encouragement.
Emotions can lie to us, so be sure you don't act only on emotion. Look back, look forward, look at the big picture. When are you happiest? The most fulfilled?
ReplyDeleteI think he's doing everything you want but you want HIM to want it. That's a tough one. And maybe his comment threw you off too. I know for me, one sentence from my husband can send me off the deep end..when he meant something entirely different from how I took it! He says I grab and run without looking at what I'm running with ;)
Keep your chin up. Read back over your blog.
And as always, consider sharing your blog with your soul mate ;)
Hi Stormy,
DeleteYes i can be guilty of acting on emotions! Yes he is doing everything i want of him and its so great. These last few posts have not been about him not doing something for me. Its been about me. My struggle with submission as a whole and submitting to maintenance - of all things. I think Ive figured it out....and its now time to let it all go and just follow his lead. Im relaxed enough now to know it will happen - even if i have to remind him...he has given me that responsibility anyway -
I do consider telling him about this blog Stormy, but right now is not the right time.
Hugs kiwi xxx
In relation to what Blondie said (cause i know how relevant it is to kiwi):
ReplyDeleteHave you guys tried to just follow? Not have 101 expectations and ideas and preconceptions? But just truly follow and see which road he takes?
Sure they might get a bit lost on the small and winding paths in the brush, but let him search for the road and you might just see that he finds h i s place on the way.
Just my 2 cents.
Spot on my friend :)
DeleteI am letting go of my expectations and im going to give just following a try. He knows what it is i have asked of him and he has delivered...albeit a tad rough around the edges to some (:P) but he is learning, so am I. Slowly.
And as you said earlier on, and i think you were on to something, its the difference between maintenance and punishment and the fact that he uses maintenance as a punishment - that is the bit i am struggling with....i need to work on that and quickly.
thank you hun
hugs kiwi xx
Bravo, kiwi. Bravo. It takes guts to admit that maybe you don't quite like what you have and that you sort of wished it could be different. It's okay to be out of sorts with being disciplined. I mean, honestly, it pretty much sucks sometimes, or at least parts of it.
ReplyDeleteI echo the suggestion to share your blog, if that's something possible for you. It may help you to be more open with your husband in the ways you need to be. We make this awfully complicated and hard for ourselves, and it can really help to be transparent.
It's going to suck sometimes. It's going to be not really what you want. But it's okay. You'll be okay.
Hang in there.
Hi Ana, thank you. This whole thing takes bravery for anyone who wants to try it...and have to ask for it....i think we are all very brave people putting ourselves out there like we do.
DeleteI think i have pinpointed my troubles....and its maintenance. As much as i wanted to have weekly or twice weekly or every day maintenance, the romantic idea of it all was no where near what it actually means. AND the fact that my hubby hasnt realised there is a difference or should be a difference between maintenance and punishment. So, something for me to work on quickly with him.
Im glad you are all here though i have to say, id be lost without you all
thanks
hugs kiwi xxx
You can do it, kiwi! There is no one "right" way, and there is no perfect answer. Your relationship is what you want to make it. You don't have to submit in a certain way, and he doesn't have to lead in a certain way. The two of you will figure out a way to work this out, together. Just let it happen, trust in the process, and tell yourself it's okay if you don't get things right. And then go stick a pin in a little replica of the paddle he uses. :P
DeleteI think submission is truly a balancing act -- how do you submit the right amount to him? How can he give you the right amount of guidance to lead you there? And how can you still be powerful in everyday "outside" life? And just when you think you've got it down-pat, something changes! Do you read Harry Potter? Submission, in a way, reminds me of the snitch ;) Always there, but you can never entirely grasp onto it and what it is. Best of luck though, I'm sure you'll get it back and he'll be right there with you :)
ReplyDeleteI dont think its so much a balancing act, but i think a person is either submissive or not and its finding that submissivness deep within. Its a matter of finding the switch from outside the home to inside the home...you have found that moment from your blog and its great to read...me, not so much, not yet. I like the analogy though, pretty spot on.
DeleteIve had a bit of a lightbulb moment, so i may post about it tomorrow :)
And all this is me, not Sir, its nothing he has done really, he has done everything i have asked of him. ITs me, i have to find it in me to submit. Harder than it looks eh?
Hugs kiwi xxx
kiwi,
ReplyDeleteSo, are you saying that what you have isn't really what you want? Hugs to you! Sorry you're having a difficult time. Could it be your hormones?! Sometimes I can feel totally different about surrendering to Daddy, depending on the time of month.
Love,
Kitty
NOOOOOOOOOO not at all Kitty, not at all. I love ttwd. I love his dominance and i really couldnt wouldnt go back to a vanilla relationship. No, its just i think, i have issues with the way maintenance is conducted, Sir conducts it like punishment and its getting so very hard to submit to that...its not at all what i wanted maintenance to be. I know he is the boss, he is in charge he is the leader and its his decision....but....I need maintenance to be a little "softer" and little "kinder" - unless there is a reason to go on and administer a punishment.
DeleteIt could have been that Saturday i was punished rather soundly and i was still sore from that - he found a new spot to aim for and ouchie....we will work it out :)
\thanks Kitty
hugs kiwi xxx
Ah, expectations. I can identify. I know the churning of emotions it brings on. The idea in the mind of what your asking for will look like vs. what it really looks like from day to day. And then you don't want to write him an outline, because then you're the one running the show. He needs to be in charge, we want him in charge, but his ideas are slightly different than the ones in our heads, or (and this one I struggle with the most) his speed of action is so much different than mine. I wanted it all yesterday, while he's thinking things out, planning, pulling it together in his own time frame. Augh!
ReplyDeleteLook at the bright spots. Focus there and the clouds overhead will fade into the background. I hope you feel better soon.
spot on Jacquie. I think i just need to talk to him about "softening" maintenance - maintenacen is not about punishments, its about reminders and affirmations and consolidating and reconnecting. :) we will work it out...just another little speed bump.
DeleteFunny, he has a rule that i am not allowed to leave wet towels on the bed after a shower....someting i tend to forget about...he paddled me for it yesterday morning...this morning - no wet towels...we commented on it and said im learning and i just smiled and hugged him and said yes, with your help and that paddle, its working.
He liked that.
Hugs kiwi xxx
I had a lot of thoughts as I read this, but most of your previous comments have covered them, so I will just add this - Maybe you should tell him about the blog? Having secrets is not good in all this, but more importantly, H reads mine and while he never really comments on it directly (other than to say it is "cute", which annoys me), he does "comment" on it in how he has adjusted what we do together. It has become a fantastic communicator for us.
ReplyDeleteYou may have good reasons not to share this with him, I don't know as I haven't read all your posts, so this is just from my perspective.
Kitty
Hi Kitty,
DeleteYes i know i should tell him. I know I will tell him, eventually. Maybe. Im scared to. Its just not the right time. This is my place, for me to process what i want and need and then i go to him to talk.
He doesnt like the internet, he doesnt trust it. So for now, its just my place. Eventually i will tell him
Hugs kiwi xxx