Dear Diary
Wednesday 11/4/12
I tried so hard to be good over Easter and for the most part I was….I even handled maintenance better than usual. Maintenance was the paddle, cane and two tails and corner time. I so love corner time these days, it makes me feel so secure and balanced…not sure if that is the right word but I know what I mean anyway. It still has that "cringe" factor...the fact that I am standing there, bottom bared and red and sniffling while he is watching me....but that comfort feeling...is nice.
Yesterday I was awful though. I was pretty mad too. I was mad at Sir for something he did which I thought was very selfish but that didn’t excuse me from calling him a DICK. I shouldn’t do that, not at all, and certainly not in public while we were out visiting friends.
But I got away with it. Even though last night he commented that I had been very cheeky since Sunday and had a bad attitude. He let me get away with it, well if you call a hard slap on the bare leg getting away with it, then yes I got away with it. Even though going to bed I thought to myself “uh oh I’m so in for it”. I wasn’t.
I have argued with Little Miss all weekend as well, even this morning and that resulted in us both being “told off”.
I am now feeling like maybe he should have punished me. I don’t know should I mention this to him, ask him, or leave it. I feel a bit guilty for calling him names. BUT I was so mad and when I get mad I lose all sensibility. And walls build up and defences get high and wham I let go without thinking and then later regret it. I wish I could find my submissiveness. I wish I could alter my attitude myself without the need for the paddle.
I am so good at being obedient. Doing as I am told, fetching stuff for Sir, looking after him, even following rules (really rather good these days), but it’s my attitude that now needs working on. Especially when I get mad at something. I put up the walls, I distance myself from him and then I let out a volley of verbal "bad attitude". And he lets is slide. I wish he were stricter with me over this issue.
I have written everything down in my accountability book. We have extra kids staying this week – well, until Friday so I guess any punishment might have to wait until then. I think I would prefer it with the kids that are staying. They belong to the Thorn. So I really don’t want any hint of anything getting back to the Thorn.
But I think I deserve punishment for the bad attitude….to ask or not to ask…
what do they say about decisions determining your destiny....
*sigh*
I'd say don't ask. Only because if your husband is anything like my boyfriend, he doesn't like to be told he should have punished you; he'd want it to have been his decision one way or the other. But, perhaps he is more open to what you say, in which case, go ahead and ask! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteHi Riley, yeah its a quandry isnt it. Its not that i want to ask specifically for a punishment, but i was just wondering whether i just mention that he could if he wanted to. Dont know...dont know...i may just leave it for now. He let it go, its his decision to do that. Maybe its more of a reason to talk about new rules.....there is an idea :D - thank you ;)
DeleteOh, wow, kiwi! You called him a dick in front of other people?! Uh-oh!!!
ReplyDeleteI hope I misunderstood that part, lol!
Love,
Kitty
hmmmmm you read it right...ive no further comment :(
Delete*hanging head in shame*
If I was in your situation, I would say something like "I am just so out of sorts lately. I really need you to help me get back on track." And you might mention that you are feeling guilty about your behavior". Ask him what he thinks of your attitude. For some reason I think that our men like to be needed. I know mine does. If I am feeling down on myself I just tell him how I am feeling and then let him decide how he wants to deal with it. I hope this helps
ReplyDeletegood advice, thanks. Some other stuff (non spanking related) is going on and i need to work it out....we need to work it out...we will :)
DeleteDear friend, have you tried to just go to him and apoligize? No prompting or nothing, just go to him and say "I'm sorry i know i've behaved badly. I'm nite trying ti excuse it, there are no excuses. I just want ti apoligize and say I'm sorry". That kinda thing. You know Vanilla means go a long way in d/s too ;-)
ReplyDeletehey my friend - yes :D
Delete" just mention that he could if he wanted to. " you don't think he knows that already?
ReplyDeleteerrr yes he sure does know it already...what i meant was sometimes he wouldnt spank for somethign i would (I know I know I know - his decision for me to accept) and i have, ive let it go, apologised....done and dusted with.
DeleteHe just really laughs at me when i lose my temper like that...a relief really.
Sometimes I feel like I am harder on myself than my husband is, and because I feel bad or bothered by something, I just expect him to react the same way. When he doesn't, it's tempting to let him know how I would have handled things...but like Riley's bf, that never goes over too well. I agree with what others have said...maybe just acknowledge your feelings about your behavior and then the ball is in his court. Side note: I think that second picture may give me nightmares:)
ReplyDeleteHi Tess, i think that something a lot of us subbie wives suffer with....hard one eh :) - we dont ahve a leather strap but a wooden paddle :(
DeleteHaha I was actually talking about that scary red lady:)
DeleteYou got some good advice from Blondie and Melinda but I am still surprised that he let it slide when you called him a dick in public. Maybe you should have a conversation about whether he needs to be more strict with you to curb your bad behavior.
ReplyDeleteFD
hi FD - yes i have - thank you all. I ahve apologised. I think he finds it "funny" when i go off like that because it doesnt happen all that often...but yes its time for a conversation about him being stricter with my attitude :)
DeleteI agree, don't ask, but either go and apologize or ask for help. Sometimes it is harder to accept a non-punishmen, than a punishment. abby
ReplyDeletehi abby, that is so very true :) thank you.
DeleteMy Sir would be outright angry if I suggested he punish me, he needs to do things on his own terms. I would suggest apologizing on your own, letting it go for now and a conversation in a week or two telling him you feel you need him to be stricter, more of a general conversation rather than something related to a specific incident. Of course, it's easy to give advice to someone else but following it is an entirely different issue. Let us know what you decide. ~hugs~
ReplyDeletehey DB - i just apologised - plain old vanilla style :) his decision not to punish, my responsiliby to accept that decisions :)
DeleteIn my opinion i wouldnt straight up ask for it, but i also wouldnt ignore it. Maybe like others have suggested you could apologize and say something along the lines of, "I know its your decision but I dont think i should get away with that and if you decide to punish me for it, ill accept the punishment you choose." and then leave it in his hands? Good luck!
ReplyDeletehey playful - yeah im goign to ask he be a bit stricter with my attitude - dont let me get away with so much
Deletexx
Maybe he's trusting you to work this out on your own, since you have been so obedient.
ReplyDeleteTrust HIM to lead, and that he knows what's going on with you. I'd never get away with name calling or attitude but each hoh guides in his own way.
See if you can move forward without it bothering you- if you simply can't then time to share your feelings.
Or he could read this post ;)
hey stormy - so wise and so right as usual :) i am working on this...just sometimes - you know we can get with our HOHs grrr....but yes i shouldnt use bad names...he doesnt with me.
Deletebut please sssssshhhhhh about him reading this post hehehe - in time in time
hugs
Ask! It helps me so much when I do. Most of my punishments come from me asking and he does it for my own heart not because he thinks i deserve it.
ReplyDeletehi dragon, its not the first time ive asked and its probably not the last time...but this time i havent asked...i just apologised and let it go....accepting his decision...but i am going to ask him to be stricter with me and my attutde like that, dont let me get away with that kind of thing
Deletehugs kiwi xxx
You've gotten some great advice, so I will just agree that if you're beating yourself up for it, you need to make it right to feel better.
ReplyDeletehi jacquie, thanks :) im feeling better about it xx
DeleteMaybe you two could talk...tell him that you see your pattern of letting go without thinking when you are angry. Maybe asking for him to remind you verbally in the heat of the moment would bring you back to a manageable level? I don't mean to say you are not manageable but you know to just center you remind you to breath. A code word or phrase can help. We have tried this and I think I'm glad for it. This way you can work on it for yourself and find what works better for you. So you don't feel awful afterward.
ReplyDeleteYou: I'm so mad!@$@%@#!#$#%
Him: Blueberries!! (or whatever)
You: *inhale* thanks babe you are an angle I'm feeling a little peeved at the moment.
The funnier the word the better! Sasquatch... pumpernickel...hullabaloo...
hi Jillian Bea - such great advice - i can just imagine people wondering what on earth are we talking about LOL....worth a try ;)- better than that darned paddle when used for punishment thats for sure
Deletehugs kiwi xxx