Resistance is futile ....or is it?

Why do we sometimes resist spankings?

I wonder sometimes why it is I resist when it’s offered, threatened, or enforced upon me.   I desired this lifestyle; I researched it, read about it, searched blogs and asked questions before I went to him to talk to him about it.  He was hesitant at first but then he seemed to take it with both hands and run with it.  He set me rules, he set the consequences, he listened when I went to him and said I needed something slightly more, or slightly less, he asked me questions, was I still OK with it, happy with it, was he doing everything OK.  He even started looking for pervertables.   He flourished being in charge of me.  He even told me that I had no idea what I had unleashed in him.  I loved the fact that he was in charge, taking care of me, setting standards and making me accountable to him.  So why, when I am faced with punishment do I sometimes resist?

We hit the start stop speed bump from time to time.  Sometimes he will spank and it’s only for a minute or two.  Or sometimes he forgets the reason he is spanking me.  He tells me he is sure there is something I have done, but can’t quite remember and as a result I don’t get that lecture or “telling off” that I need.  Sometimes he will tell me I’m in trouble and then there is no follow through.  Sometimes, like now, he seems to let me get away with all manner of misbehaviour and I’ll be honest right now I’m taking full advantage of this little speed bump.  But I’m not feeling good about it, not one little bit.

So when we hit this particular speed bump I do begin to wonder if this is just a game to him.  I had thought I had expressed my needs and desires clearly enough now for him to understand.  But we have halted again.  It’s confusing.  It makes it really hard to talk about.  Once spankings stop we start to argue, I start to feel lost and alone and disconnected.  I feel rebellious, mouthy, resentful and disobedient.  I forget our roles.  I start to make decisions and try to lead our family. 

I lived without spankings for four years (in a previous relationship).  I could never go back to that.  It was like a part of me was missing.  I don’t want to feel like that again.  We were lying in bed last night after making love and he was rubbing the cheeks of my bottom and he mentioned that he hadn’t spanked me for a while.  I whined back I know baby.  He told me I was in need of it.  I ever so eagerly agreed with him.      He said that maybe this weekend when we are by ourselves.  So I told him that I really need a long hard spanking.  So he said well OK then, this weekend it is.

As he held my face in his hands this morning saying goodbye to me at the gate he expressly forbade me to do something that I really want to do and I  argued about it and he told me again that I need a good spanking.    He even raised his hand to slap my face for arguing.  He knows I want him to do that but he is hesitant.  He said he was trying to figure out how to do it.  He has not ever slapped a woman before.  So I suggested he take off his glasses so that I could show him but he didn’t quite like that idea and so he just ruffled my hair and kissed me instead.  I do know I need it – a spanking, a paddling, a caning (I hesitate with that one) but some kind of discipline.  I’m forgetting our roles because of the lack of it.  I need the affirmation of those roles once more. 

We are arguing more, and words hurt more than spankings or should I say the pain of words lingers more than the pain of a spanking.  I will fall off the rails shortly, I need to be brought back on track and only a good spanking will do this for me.  I am starting to push, do my own thing, distance myself, make my own decisions, disobey him, get smart and sarcastic, ignore him, and spend money.  I need him to take me in hand once more.  I am doing stuff that I know he won’t appreciate or like and it’s all because I am getting away with it.    I need him to affirm he is my head, he is in charge.  But when it happens, when I am confronted with the inevitable I will resist, I will fight it, I will question him as to why he is spanking me. 

I tell myself it’s because it hurts, but deep down I think the reason I sometimes resist spankings is the inconsistency that happens from time to time.