Maintenance spankings - it's all very confusing and worrying.

How to ask for them? I have no idea.  I have tried but obviously as they don’t happen, then I didn’t ask right. 

I need them; I desire them over and above punishments.  Well, rather than punishments really but they seem to be the only spankings I get and although I like being spanked, I don’t like being punished.  Well, that’s not true either because I do; I like the structure, the security it gives me.  I like the fact that when I have done something wrong or broken one of our rules then I am to be held accountable.  I like knowing that when it’s over all is forgiven and forgotten.  And to be perfectly honest I like that feeling I get that someone cares enough about me to take the time and make the effort to punish me for doing something that means something to him - if you know what I mean.  So perhaps I should say I don’t like the physical pain of a punishment spanking as it’s very different from an erotic spanking.

I need to feel his dominance over me.

I need to be reminded who is the boss.

I need to be told that I have to obey and be respectful at all times, straight away and not when I feel like it.

When I do something wrong and I am punished, it’s very easy to remember the next few days to be all of that and more.  But then the effect wears off and slowly things slide, I become argumentative, I start to push boundaries.  I test the water and test his patience. 

Last night for example.  He was annoyed – not at me but at something else, but I pushed instead of backing off.  I ended up heading to our room for some quiet time and I was lying on the bed watching the news on his side of the bed.  He came in wanting me to move over to my side.  I refused to – told him he could sit on my side.  He told me off and as he has the cane hanging up above the bed, he grabbed it and threatened me with it.  I soon moved yes, but I should have just moved in the first place.

It’s been a fortnight since I was last spanked and I think that is why I have started to push.  I know I need to remember to be obedient and submissive.  I do try hard to.  I’ve had some good debates with a very good friend about bratting to get the spanking I need.  I don’t deliberately brat to get a spanking – it doesn’t often work and the one thing I have noticed is I tend to get into trouble when I lease expect it, rather than when I think I have planned it. 

I would dearly love to have a weekly accountability of my behaviour.  Having been called to him, have to call him sir and account for my behaviour that week.  If I have been good, great, he will be pleased but will still give me a spanking – perhaps one over his knee for being a good girl.  He doesn’t often let me go across his knee for a spanking, it’s usually over the bed.  He often says only good girls get to go over his knee.  This spanking would probably still be hard but not as severe as a punishment one.  I would hope it would be quite long in duration and he would lecture me throughout telling me that I have to remember to behave, that he is the boss, he is in charge and I should always do as I am told straight away and not when I feel like it or not when he has to threaten me.

If he decides my behaviour that week is not good, then I would hope he would feel the need to punish me for it.  This would be over and above any “there and then” incidents throughout the week that he felt he needed to take care of.  But knowing my husband he would just wait until the weekly accountability.  Or in our case it would probably be fortnightly.  I think I need more than fortnightly.  I can cope with the fortnightly accountability but I think I would still need the “there and then” if I did anything during that time.  If any of that makes any sense.

I also need him to help me with my exercises.  And this is a big thing.  I’m scared of him thinking I’m asking for more and more and more and when is enough enough.

One of our rules is to exercise three times a week.  I have not yet done it once.  Its always excuse after excuse.  He threatens, threatens me big time but has never come through.  Now he has started with sarcasm which is never going to work with me.  I’m stubborn.  I know the one thing that will work for me and that is the cane.  If he threatened to give me the cane if I didn’t do my exercise and then followed through that same night when I didn’t get out of bed….I know the next day I would certainly be getting out of bed.

I want to ask him for this help too.  But I'm scared to death in case he turns around and says to me that I should just do it anyway, I know I need to do it so just do it.  I know this.  I know I should just do it.  I can’t explain why I don’t.  I can’t explain why that motivation would do the trick, I just know it would, it's what I so need and desire.

So two more big things to ask of him.  What if he says what more does she want?  When is enough enough?  I don’t think I could face that.

But I know that if I dont talk to him soon Im going to explode, and say something that I will regret, not in the sense that he would leave me but in the sense that he will either stop ttwd altogether or he will go hell for leather ..................that's an interesting thought. 

Sorry this is long and rambling, I'm really just thinking aloud and putting down my thoughts as they come to me, just to get it "out" of my system.  Then maybe I can think clearly about what I want and perhaps formulate some way of clearly stating to him what I think I might need and ask him if he thinks he can see his way of doing this for me.

Fingers crossed.