To me a Domestic Discipline relationship is a two way street.
It’s about my submission to my HOH, following his rules, his direction, accepting his decisions at his pace, following his leadership and guidance and trusting him to know what is best for our family. It’s about showing him my love and respect, my loyalty, my support, my friendship in good times and bad times (which is a given in any relationship regardless of what sort of relationship it is). It’s about intimacy, and closeness and togetherness. It’s about holding him close to me; holding me close to him. Its about my submissivenss to him, creating a calm for him in our home in the middle of the storm of life outside. Its about feeling loved and cared for and safe and secure.
Its about him making me accountable to him, steering me in the right direction, helping and motivating me to stay on track, setting me straight, guiding me to stick to the rules we set together, things that were important to us both, its about holding us together, making us strong as a couple, holding me strong. Its about him bringing back the calm to me from the storm of life outside. For me, that accountability, that calm, is discipline. It’s spanking, its telling me off and lecturing me when I fall off the tracks, its about his consistency, its about him stepping up when I need him to regardless of what is going on in our lives. This is part of our life – or I hope it is. Its about feeling loved and cared for and safe and secure.
How can I be expected to follow his guidance, his leadership, how can I be expected to accept his rules, accept him restricting my cash access, accept him setting me unrealistic budgets for family groceries, accept him forbidding me to do things that I would like to do when I cannot expect him to be consistent in stepping up.
It’s a two way street. If I am to be expected to be submissive, obedient then I expect him to be dominant, to be the head of our house and to step up and discipline me when I need it. He knows I need it, he said I need it and I agreed with him that I need it.
I want to follow his guidelines, his leadership, his decisions but I need him to be consistent too. I don’t think you can have one without the other. If consistency goes then submission soon follows. When consistency returns then submission will be right on its heels.
It is a two way street, it's just that sometimes dual lane carriageways have a fast lane and one speeds ahead of the other. Don't forget to check your mirrors for his position, and be sure not to lose him in your blind spot.
ReplyDeleteIt'll be fine :)
Love, Sg xx
You both are still in the beginning of this path you've taken, I think if you give it time he'll step up more and more. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteSubmission does not have to hinge on consistency. It may be harder but if it's really your goal you can do it. :)
ReplyDeleteIt is really hard, I'll give you that. My husband knows full well that if he's a lousy leader, I'm going to be a lousy follower, so he'd better lead well or both of us are going to be very frustrated. But, consistency takes time. I believe in my heart that our mutual commitment to dd requires me to keep my end of the deal and strive to submit even when he falters. It's SO not easy and I usually fail, but for us, it's just part of taking this seriously. If I don't at least try, then dd starts looking like a game and it's not. We have too much to lose.
ReplyDeleteOkay, that was a little heavy but is just the way it is for us. Just keep trying and telling him respectfully how you are doing. Encourage him with your words whenever you can. He'll step up soon enough and in his own time.
Yes, it is a partnership, a dance, and it can't be done without the both of you...BUT don't give up on him! Do the best you can to do your part..and when the time seems right, talk to him about what you need from him...yes, again.
ReplyDeleteSara
I love sweetgirl's analogy! Yes, you are running, kiwi, and he is tiptoeing. Imagine being tied together in a three legged race! Stick with him, you will both get there, as a team. If one of you tries to out do the other, you will trip each other up! xxxxxx
ReplyDeleteSome times that street is restricted to one way traffic. Submission without leadership. It happens. I want to scream, “get with the program.” When he does, I never like the results. Wowchy.
ReplyDeleteThere is the flip side of the coin too. He leads and I refuse to submit. Too bad he gets to take care of that issue by pounding on my backside. He has a way of taking out all those traffic cones I put in place to restrict the traffic flow.
I know it is easy to get discouraged. Slow down, take a deep breath and keep going.
Hi guys, thank you all for your comments, you are all pretty much saying the same things :) slow down and take my time and let him catch up to me. This I will do. I will keep on doing as Im told, I will keep to the grocery budget, I will even start on my exercise and make him proud of me instead of being disappointed in me. I wont back chat, I wont argue, i will do as asked, I will continue to be kind and caring as I normally am. I will continue to take care of my family and home. All the while waiting for him to step up. I may even ask him to spank me just because and see what happens.
ReplyDeleteThere is an awful lot of stress going on in our lives at the moment (it seems to be a continual thing of late) and its hard to cope with, for both of us and I feel me pulling away and I feel he is pushing me away.
Its making it really hard to talk to him, about the stuff that is going on and about spanking - its not an easy task for me on the best of days - this i think would pull us back together - im not bratting deliberately, im not nagging him or being disrespectful, im just doing my own thing, resentment is building up because he is taking his stress out on me when its not my fault.
I find it so hard to put into words how i am feeling so it makes it twice as difficult to talk to him. He likes straight to the point, say what you want to say dont beat about the bush be blunt and up front - with no tears or emotions. He is emotionally hurting me right now and I cant think straight. Maybe at the weekend we can find some quiet time in the sunshine to talk. HE is not an abusive man or i woulndt be here but he shouts a lot and shouting makes me shut down. I need him to stop shouting and just listen and then talk.
Good girl (*LOL* sorry...just had to :P ) But i mean, it's nice to hear, because if you step up maybe he will follow :)
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you hon!
Hugs!
:) thanks sweetgirl. It will either be or it wont be...
ReplyDeleteIt will :)
ReplyDeleteSG i was thinking of copying and pasting this post to him.....see what he says....
ReplyDeletemight actually be a good idea :)
ReplyDeleteive emailed you hon....we can talk there if you like - thanks again :)
ReplyDeleteHi kiwigirliegirl, the thing is if you write a post you get comments on what you write, and not on what you think and rarely what is written between the lines. In your blog you have only described the symptoms. In your long comment you have given some clarification, but probably you still only scratched the surface. That is OK, it is up to you to what extend the inner workings of your private life are revealed here. Only what goes for software simulations goes for blogs as well. You get the answer based on what you put in. I think there are some underlying issues that have not been discussed and that are much more important than being spanked or not. I can see already 2 conflicts: Stress and unrealistic objectives. (i.e. shopping budget). If he sets you up for failure, willing or not, it leads to frustration. Add stress to that and you have a perfect recipe for disaster. Take away communication and before you know you risk that your whole relation unravels right under your nose. Be careful because the damage done is always preceding that realization. So to me it looks like you are in the red zone. Now it is time to sit around the table and discuss the root cause as 2 partners. I can not even imagine how difficult that is for a sub. But you have no choice. If my interpretation is right of your blogs this is last chance saloon. (Take it from a guy who's marriage broke down after 20 years).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!!!
I'm late with my comment but hope that things are improving and that you've had a chance to talk. Hugs, Meow
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ReplyDeleteoh "SunnyOne" go get some would ya?? Some sunshine that is. Or better yet, stick your head up where the sunshine don't reach. Why don't you rather read something that you don't find so...agitating?
ReplyDeleteHave a nice day oh sunny one!
LOL! Go get 'em, Kiwi! What an idiot!
ReplyDeleteHi Meow - thanks things are really good after a fabulous weekend :)
ReplyDeleteElder: thanks, yes i know the comments i get are based on what i post :) thanks for your comments and advice - all is good :)
SG: well said and thanks - I just deleted the comments - not worth the time and effort of reading them ;)
ReplyDeleteI am happy to hear that. Sure you can make a nice blog out of it ;-)
ReplyDeleteElder - i will try to :) thanks
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