The Aftermath

Wednesday 21st December 2011

It’s crazy.  The punishment he gave me after the incident was probably really good timing.  It reconnected us and re-established the trust in each other – or so I thought.

But then, Sunday just gone was meant to be maintenance/punishment for a few things he had let slide (and thanks to my book, he was reminded) I sometime wonder why I still bother writing in my book when we are supposed to be practicing immediate consequences.  I couldn’t do it.  I fought and I argued and I hesitated and I fussed, I begged, I downright refused (which just doesn’t work he just got mad).  I slowly made my way around to the end of the bed and bent over but not without struggle.  One stroke of the cane and I jumped up and howled and just burst into tears. I sat down on the bed and sobbed I just couldn’t do it.  I didn’t want to do it.  He held on to me so tight and rocked me and shushed me and stroked my hair until I was calm again.  He put the implements away and said we were not going to do it.

I was so grateful and relieved.  We snuggled up in bed and then slowly the disappointment set it.  The regret, the doubt the knowledge that I was giving off such mixed signals.  I didn’t want to stop this. I really want to continue with DD – but I was scared to.   

So I spoke in a whisper to my husband and asked could we please try again tomorrow night and I promise not to wimp out.

Absolutely baby, anything you want is fine.

So Monday night came. 

I steeled myself, I’d made a promise I wouldn’t wimp out, both to hubby and to myself.  So I forced myself to bend over the bed.  Do you have any idea how hard that was?  I was shocked.  Here is me, a fully confessed spanko – completely dreading what was about to happen and not wanting it to happen at all and shock horror wanting to stop DD all together.  I didn’t even want to blog anymore.  But I don’t really want to stop at the same time.

And what happened.  Yes a spanking, not the longest I’ve had, certainly not the hardest by far, and I cried like a baby.  It was so hard to take.  He used the paddle first (at my request – because it kind of numbs after a while) and then the cane.  He read through my book and spanked me for each and every infraction.  By the time he got to Sunday I was a wreck and so he decided to turn it down a notch and back off and call it a night.  So he missed out Sunday’s.  Seems I had a bad week.

And now, this week I’ve slowly gone off the rails, ending up today not listening to him and causing him to get angry at me and hang up on me (well not quite hung up on me but he said he was hanging up because I wasn’t listening and I could ring back when I was prepared to listen).   I need him to spank me tonight after the way I talked to him on the telephone today.  I really need him to but I don’t want him to.   

He has given me a little lee way this week with it being Christmas, I have had full access to finances to buy presents and food and it’s been great.  He has had fun watching me.  I have still been careful but I can feel the power. I don’t want to relinquish it.  I have to, I know but its going to be a struggle and my attitude today was the start of it.  I can feel it and it’s because there is a chink the armour, I know I can fuss and cry and wimp out and he will back down on a spanking.  So I need him to be really strong RIGHT NOW and take me in hand tonight spank me for my attitude and to make sure I know full well that as at the end of the week my spending powers are back to normal.

I think maybe it’s because we are off track slightly here with DD.  I need it, I want it and yet I’m scared to death of it all at the same time all of a sudden.  I was never scared of DD until “the incident”.  I’m not scared of my husband, because he has demonstrated we can stop this anytime I want to.  But I am now scared of punishments.  I wish he would ring me or text me and tell me that is what is going to happen when I get home.  I don’t want to have to say to him that I need him to spank me.  But at the same time I don’t want him to either, but I know if he doesn’t my attitude will just get worse and worse and that is not going to bode well for a happy relationship and home. 

If there was ever a time to “ask” for a spanking, maybe this is it.