The jury is out

Thursday 8th December 2011

Nothing happened last night after I emailed Sir about my very bad behaviour yesterday morning.  He didn’t read it until today (I’ve just checked and he has read it) so the jury is out on that verdict and no doubt I will find out tonight when I get home.

As for shopping, yes, well, I went over the budget.  By my reckoning only $6, (better than last week).  By his reckoning I went over by $56 (56 swats is going to hurt he told me).  A slight misunderstanding between us here, he told me one amount but then said he changed it (yes I think I did hear him say the changed figure but sssshhhhh me thinks I’m taking advantage here) But, last night at bedtime he decided that as my rear end is still a little tender my punishment is postponed.   But  either way I deserve some form of punishment, for going over (either amount) and for taking advantage.  I shouldn’t be allowed to do that.  And on top of that my behaviour with Little Miss shouldn’t be ignored or to be gotten away with, I feel.

I mentioned this morning (before he read my email from yesterday) that I was surprised that he had allowed my behaviour.  He said I shouldn’t push him too much as things will just get worse for me, I won’t think its thrilling or exciting, it will just be painful for me.

In summary, Wednesday was a bad day for me all around.  I write everything down in my book and I have five entries which look pretty much like this:

Wednesday 7th December 2011

1.                  No exercise.

2.                  Very bad mood, with everyone for no reasons.

3.                  I argued with Little Miss and set a very poor example of how to behave, tit for tat arguing and pouring "petrol" on the fire, right at her level.

4.                  I broke the grocery budget (I say $6, you say $56)

5.                  I forgot to do the one thing Sir asked me to do.

So yes, well I guess the verdict is out on whether I get a punishment or not and looking at the list above, it will probably be a big one.

My post might be a little disjointed today, I’m feeling that way.  We had a discussion this morning which kind of left me reeling a little. 

There is something I want to do for Christmas and we are having discussions on it.  He hasn’t said no but he hasn’t said yes either, and he hasn’t said he needs time to think about it.  So I am going ahead and organising it.  He hesitated about it this morning when we were talking and so I directly asked him the question

“Are you specifically telling me I can’t do this?”

He replied

“It’s not my place to tell you what you can and can’t do” then he waved his cheery wave and drove off, leaving me to follow, slightly bewildered.  It left me pondering.  I need it to be his place to tell me what or what not to do when it comes to things affecting our family.  I need him to be the leader of our house, to be in charge, and to stop me from doing stupid things that might damage our family our relationship.  I thought he got this.  I thought he was with me on this.

So I got to work and I found I just had to get it off my chest.  This is the email I sent to Sir.

I've been pondering, and just want to be clear if that’s OK - I NEED it to be your place to tell me what I can and can’t do in things that affects us as a family.   I love the fact that you are the boss and in charge...I might fight against it sometimes, just to pull your leg but other times a little bit more seriously, but deep down I love it OK (and so do you I think).  So don’t stop.  Don’t stop being in charge of me, don’t stop the discipline, immediate consequences are the best - when we can - and when we cant you need to tell me it is going to happen at the next opportunity and be consistent with that.  Want to know how it makes me feel?  Loved, secure and protected.    So please don’t stop OK.  I think you are brilliant at it.  You are strict and it's frustrating at times but I do love it.  You also listen as well, and sometimes we do negotiate - so it’s not like I'm a doormat or anything like that.  Just when it counts you are the boss.  Just how I need it to be

So the jury is out on two verdicts.

One on whether or not I get punished for my very bad day yesterday (maybe I should just ask him to and be done with it so I can stop feeling guilty and move on)

But more importantly on whether he actually understand this need I have.  Just when I thought he had finally gotten it.  He said what he said.  I hope the email I sent provokes a conversation.  I added at the end of it that I emailed him because I just bloody well cant say it out loud.  I hope he reads it.  I don't know what to do.