Friday 9th December 2011
I wish it was as cut and dried as a verdict in a John Grisham novel, but unfortunately its not.
I climbed on his lap after dinner last night and kissed him and asked him if he had read my email. He said he had. I asked him if we were clear then, was everything OK. He said that it was, but the kind of thing we had been discussing was “outside of the game” “outside of our house”. I held his face and looked him in the eye and said this whole discipline thing was not a game to me. I need him to be the head, the boss if you like, to discuss stuff with me but have the final say in decisions.
I went on to say that if he didn’t want to live like this then please just tell me, its OK, this was my thing but if he was uncomfortable with it, we can go back to how we were. He adamantly said no way, he likes this, he likes being in charge in the house, but just sometimes he will forget or say something like he did which he didn’t really mean. He knows what it is I need and is happy to keep at it.
The conversation didn’t really go much further than that. I really thought he would have given me a big punishment last night for that horrible Wednesday, but we went to bed and he didn’t. What he did do was roll me over on to my stomach and spanked me a few times hard with his hand and told me off for and reminded me I have to listen to him, he also mentioned that I should be a big girl and make my own decisions, during his scolding. I let this go but now it’s troubling me.
In any relationship, whether it’s a vanilla relationship or a domestic discipline relationship, decisions need to be made jointly, discussed, opinions voiced and heard and then a decision reached. In my DD relationship, I would like to discuss an issue and then he have the last word. Sometimes that will mean it will go my way, sometimes not. If its not and I then go against his final decision to me that’s when the discipline comes into place. Because I’m not the best one for making a good decision. I don’t think things through properly. I tend to make rash decisions. So this would help me no end. Learn to listen to him and not go against his final word, whether it be sometime to do with finances, or something as light hearted as whether I go and see his sister or not.
I mean for example, only 2 weeks ago I got the biggest spanking for paying a bill when he explicitly told me to wait until the end of the week. OK, he told me not to do something, I didn’t listen and did it anyway, I disobeyed him and then faced the consequences. This is exactly how I want it to be.
But then yesterday he tells me it’s not his place to tell me what to do…….
Confusing and frustrating.
I was thinking about it this morning as we left the house, and he knew I was thinking something, he reads me so well, but I wouldn’t talk about it. I will tonight though.
Simply put, for me, my domestic discipline relationship means he is the leader and I am the follower, we discuss things that are important to our family, and hopefully make a joint decision, but when we can’t he has the final word. Or he may be adamant about something and that’s just that. I obey that word, if not then he disciplines me.
It’s the same thing for the little things as well as the big important issues. From whether I go out to lunch with my friends (which is hardly ever and he would never usually say no anyway but you know what I mean) or whether I get a car loan to buy a new car. He gives the final yay or nay. If I disobey then he steps up and disciplines me and I learn from it.
I am optimistic though. My good friend PK thinks he is doing exactly what I have asked him for and being reasonable for not spanking me last night for Wednesday's horribly bad day. I hope she is right. I think because I was expecting a spanking last night, its thrown me a little that it didn't happen. I like the immediate consequences, and perhaps I'm a little worried that this is the start of the fortnightly accountability again. So I think another conversation is needed just to let him know and make sure I am clear in what I am saying - coz i know how convoluted I can get.
kiwi,
ReplyDeleteI hope you won't take this the wrong way, but it always seems like you're unhappy in your relationship unless you're getting spanked. I mean, I understand you love spankings because you're a spanko, but it seems like you rely too much on getting spanked to do the right thing.
Maybe I'm totally off base and I'm sorry if I am. I feel like your hubby is doing a pretty good job, but you don't seem to be happy unless things are going the way YOU want them, even though you say you want him to lead. He is leading, but I think he doesn't want to have to spank you as much as you want to be spanked. That's the way I'm reading what you've written.
Love,
Kitty
P.S. I really am trying to understand your situation and sorry if I've said anything offensive.
Hi Kitty, no its not at all that i want spankings all the time - im pretty glad he didnt do it on Wednesday - he offered to but we decided that perhaps its too soon after my last one.
ReplyDeleteThe whole point of my last two posts were about his statement "its not my place to tell you what to do" - when clearly it is his place...its what i need and want from him. I am very happy in my relationship whether we practice DD or not. I get a little flustered when he says stuff that throws me off kilter and i worry that it will go back to being "a game" to him when I need so much more than that. Thats all. So yeah the point of my last two posts was to try and process my own thoughts as to what it is i need in ttwd and trying to get my words right so that i can talk toh im more fully and clearly.
kiwi,
ReplyDeleteI do hope you can get it worked out...relationships are always changing and it is tough to figure out what to say or do, even if you've been together for years.
Love,
Kitty
thanks Kitty, it will work out :) im sure. He assured me he is still happy for this lifestyle, so its just a little speed bump again, it wont be the last im sure :)
ReplyDeletelove and hugs kiwi xxx
I think most of us 'spanko' have thought about this lifestyle for a long time before we actually bring it up in real life (I thought about it for decades). I knew what I wanted then and asks for it. I was asking a man who had been raised and believed - never hit a woman, men and women are totally equal and all marriages decision should be made jointly. Regardless of what I told him it is extremely hard to break a life time of conditioning, even if he like the new ideas and wants to try them.
ReplyDeleteThink for a minute if the shoe were on the other foot and HE wanted you to take over all the decision making, tell him what to do and punish him if he didn't listen. Could you grasp all that right away? I know it's really hard on some of our guys to understand. We really have to give them credit every time they even try - even if it's not exactly what we have been thinking of.
Hugs,
PK
Hi PK. yes i know Its always in the back of my mind that ive known about this need all my life. He has known about it for 5 minutes. He just threw me a wee bit is all with his statements. It will come right again Im sure. Maybe i just a bit of reassurance from him that the immediate consequences will not stop kind of thing :). Im planning on another little talk over a glass of wine tonight - fingers crossed.
ReplyDeletethank you :) hugs xxx
It's a tough spot Kiwi, to want it so badly...to want him to lead the way you want him to lead. But, sometimes our guys need some time and space to find their own way, ya know? I wonder, if you backed off a bit, maybe he would step up. I may be totally off base here mind you, but it's just a thought. I do hope the two of you are on the same page again soon though, however it happens. ;)
ReplyDeleteHi Grace, yes it was good to be on the same page. He assured me its not going to change. Just the comment threw me so off kilter and then it makes me "panic" is too strong a word but you know what i mean, that he will go back to fortnightly accountability and it being more like a game I think i need the reassurance that immediate conseuqences are still OK and that he is still ok to be in charge :) see what i mean about me not being able to talk about it properly or clearly LOL this shouldnt be this hard lol
ReplyDelete:) hugs xxx
But it is hard sometimes! Believe me, I understand! Right now it's me I'm trying to figure out, not Michael...wish me luck. lol
ReplyDeleteYes it is hard Grace, i do wish you lucj my friend :) we all need it in this. Maybe when i write i make it sound really bad, its not that bad, he just unsettled me with what he said and you know what its like when expecting to receive a spanking and it doesnt happen - even though we talked about it on Wednesday - he said maybe i need a bit of time to finish "healing" :) i cant argue with that reasonablness can I :) i think tonight a glass of wine, a cuddle a little chat and a snuggle on the couch and a movie to relax :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I do know what you mean. It's like having to change your whole mindset when you've been anticipating it coming and then it doesn't happen, regardless of the reason. Have a good night tonight! As for me, I think I'm headed to bed soon, it's been a long day. ;)
ReplyDeleteHi Kiwi,
ReplyDeleteI have a comment in two parts due to length. I hope I can make this clear. First off, I agree with you that your hubby still presents himself as if he thinks of this in his heart as a game you two play, and clearly that isn't what you want. I think what you've written about it here is pretty well stated overall. I just want to offer some opinions.
I agree with Kitty's sentiment if not her statement. That is to say you do seem to have a pretty narrow set of expectations about HOW he leads you. Don't get me wrong , you have every right to them. But you might want to consider that when you tell him he's in charge and he decides he doesn't feel like spanking you right now, he doesn't have to, because you put him in charge. Also, if you put him in charge of making the rules, he can decide that what you did does not merit a spanking, whether you think it does or not, and you need to accept that decision as gracefully as you accept any other. You critique him a lot, and in detail. Understand, I happen to agree with your criticism about 90% of the time, but it is still criticism from you towards him, which might be hard to take for him. Maybe not, it's just something to consider.
Also, he may still be finding his "Style", and it may not be what you expected. I'm not generally terribly lenient. However, if I might offer a purely hypothetical example, if you were my sub and went over the grocery bill as consistently as you do, I would seem inconsistent to you too. That's because I don't spank when I am actually angry (Actually, I don't spank as punishment, but we are hypothetical here. I've seen way to many parents (Including my own) that spanked as punishment because they were throwing a temper tantrum of their own. Not what I want to be doing. Also, something like breaking the budget all the time would seriously annoy me, and I'd be plain pissed off at just the very thought of it. So in the end (No pun intended) you'd not be spanked, you'd be made to wait for it until I was stone calm and then punished. The one advantage I have over your hubby is, if you came complaining about inconsistency to me I'd explain all this and then tell you tough toenails, you get spanked when I decide and not before. I'm well aware of the release of guilt many get from being spanked, and I'm entirely comfortable letting the guilty party endure the guilt for a while. He doesn't seem to me to be waiting with intent.
Here's a thought I have. I teach the women I work with that presentation is everything. He might come your way more easily if you didn't pull quite so hard in such specific ways. But let me be clear that you do a fantastic job in my opinion of expressing your desires and needs, which you should not stop doing. It's just about the methods you use to transmit the information. It's a bit of a fine line, and I am just trying to get you to start considering it. It's not just what you say, but how you say it. If he grants you leniency tell him a day or two later how much you appreciate it because you know how little you deserved it. When he doesn't grant it, tell him later that you appreciate his efforts and they make you happy. A good example was the line in your email that said something along the lines of "I need this. Want to know how it makes me feel? Safe, secure, and loved". Expressing appreciation for past acts will motivate more in the future, but it's best to simply appreciate them and in general rather than turn them into a chore by constant begging followed by suggestions for "Tweaks" about how to do it.
ReplyDeletePart two
Again, I'm not trying to attack you or him. I'm just offering my opinion based on my experiences and my idea of how I might react in his shoes. And I do suggest you take the suggestions under advisement. I know you only from the blog, him not at all, and you know me only from my writing as well. But if what I say seems to make sense, you'll have something to work with. Good luck.
Part three,
ReplyDeleteJust for the record, my "Part Two" label seems to have migrated down a paragraph or so, please disregard. Thank you. LOL
Aww, Kiwi. I can't relate but I can say I'm sorry for your angst. One thing I know about you though, is that you will figure out what to say or do to reach him. I admire that.
ReplyDeleteStormy
Perhaps he wants you to make a decision on your own like an adult. It seems to be something he doesn't care about one way or the other. When I read his statement I read it as this one is up to you and that it is not something I NEED to tell you what to do about. I think it would be very easy to just let the HOH become the adult and you revert to a child like attitude. I know myself I would get very tired of making every decision. I have no idea but it is another way to look at it.
ReplyDeleteOh Kiwi, I get it, sometimes those innocent little remarks they make just send us spinning. It often makes me wonder was he even listening all those times we talked. One thing I have learned over the years is that my hubby and I communicate very very differently and I often don't get his intent behind a comment correct. It can be very frustrating, hang in there girl, the talking never ends really.
ReplyDeleteI think that all of our relationships are a work in progress. Your blog shows that. One post will express happiness over how consistent he's been and that you like how things are going, and the next you are confused by what he said or the way he did something. Just keep talking about it together. I hope it works itself out.
ReplyDeleteMagnus, thank you. I did not take your comments as attacks on me and my hubby - thank for your insightful words of wisdom. Its very true i need to learn to accept his decision as to when where or how he punishes me. In fact on Saturday night I was punished for something in a most unusal and unexpected way - i may or may not blog about it because it shook me somewhat. It was immediate and fast and I didnt see it coming but boy oh boy i sure felt it (emotionally rather than physically) and its taken me a day or two to recover. BUT it has made me stop and think. As a punishment it was very effective. He also pointed out when we talked about it the next day he will decide when where and how.
ReplyDeleteI dont tend to critique him to his face, just here in my little blog where i can get out all my feelings and thoughts and get some great feedback. Thank you :) its been a great help.
STORMY: thank you :) glad you are back thank you for your words - i tell you over the weekend I almost became a spank-no and joined your camp i have to admit! :|
ANON: welcome to my blog and thank you for yoru comment. I didnt want him to make the decision for me, i wanted him to talk and discuss it with me - i asked him if i could do something (that would effect us as a family) so out of complete respect (for anyone that it would effect) I asked the opinion. He wouldnt give it and so i asked him directly was he telling me an outright no. He wasnt so i went ahead anyway. It worked out.
FAERIE: yes misunderstandings are awful. We will get it sorted, think we probably have to be honest. And he punished me over something on Saturday that was quick, effective and immediate and shook me to the core but it worked. And as he pointed out the next day he will make the decision as to if when where and how. I have to accept and submit to that.
LEA: thank you :) thats why my blog helps me to process my thoughts :) it will (has i think) worked out. And tonight i face the consequences of last week's actions, despite what happened on Saturday night :|