Monday, 11 February 2013

Tips for Tops from a bottom's "very recently punished" pov


Don’t send a bottom to bed after a thrashing without cuddles and after care if you come to her an hour later wanting a blow job and expect a brilliant job.

If your bottom’s bedtime is 10.30 pm sharp, don’t take her out to the shed for her weekly maintenance/punishment catch up at 10.15 pm and expect her to be up at 5 am the next morning to do her “set without exception or else” exercises.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
If your bottom is sobbing her heart out begging you to stop, listen to her despite knowing the thrashing is not as hard as she can usually take…her pain tolerance right then may just be a little lower for a reason.  Maybe she has learned her lesson quickly for a change.
 
 
Let your bottom have a “safe-word” if its ill-used then you can always punish for that.  But trust your bottom to use the privilege of a safe word correctly.
 
 
 
Encourage her during a punishment, touch her, speak kindly to her even though it’s a punishment, even though you are making a point, even if you might be mad at her; tell her to breathe; hold her hand, rub her back; place a hand on her back to keep her in position; rub her bottom between strokes; remind her of why she is being punished.  She needs to feel you are there with her.  Give her confidence that you know she can take the punishment.
 
 
Lecture before punishing.  The lecture helps get your bottom in the right mind set – especially when it’s been a week since the infraction and so the seriousness of the infraction has lost of lot of momentum.
 
If your bottom is shaking, crying, dripping sweat and constantly jumping out of position; or perhaps starts to get really mad and frustrated at you for the spanking, you have lost her, she has lost her submissiveness and the “panic” has set it.  She needs time out from the spanking – she is at her limit.  Perhaps a corner time and definitely some words of encouragement that she can take the punishment, that it’s for her own good andhel her find her true submissiveness once more,  then back to the spanking.
 
Most of all, HUG her afterward.  Hug her tight, tell her you love her and that all is forgiven.
 
Bring her back to the submission and calm and obedience she craves.
 
 
 
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31 comments:

  1. dancingbarez11 February 2013 at 17:15

    Very good tips Kiwi. We have been in some of these situations before and it is horrible to go through.

    The suggestion of taking a break when the bottom is not reacting properly is a good one and we should have used this method in the past because in not doing so it left behind some really bad feelings and not a heck of a lot of closure.

    I know we don't correspond often but sending hugs and hoping your OK. Things always look better in the morning.

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    1. kiwigirliegirl11 February 2013 at 23:43

      hi db - thanks, glad you liked the post. It was a bit rushed and a bit raw because they all happened to me on Sunday including the lack of a hug afterwards :( not taking a break when we as a sub are not responding well is vital I think...but Sir doesnt. Something to work on. Feeling much better today though. Sorry I dont comment much....time is pretty limited these days - thanks to my bedtime rule ha!

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    2. 123Willow13 February 2014 at 13:23

      I love your tips and like the catchy title!

      Delete
  2. Aimless Rambling11 February 2013 at 18:04

    I hope you didn't experience all those examples. The last one is the only one I hope you experienced.

    A safe word is a must and it must be honored.

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    1. kiwigirliegirl11 February 2013 at 23:44

      HI sunnygirl, sorry to say yes each and everyone, including the lack of a hug at the end :(
      im feeling a heap better today though, im being a good girl, done nothing wrong (so far this week) and my bottom is not so sore funnily enough.

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  3. abby11 February 2013 at 18:16

    Excellent tips, which should all be followed. I hope you did not experience all of these...with them a punishment spanking is hard to take.
    hugs abby

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    1. kiwigirliegirl11 February 2013 at 23:45

      hi abby, thanks, glad you liked them. Yes I did experience them all on sunday :( sorry to say - BUT im feeling heaps better now. My goodgirl angel is watching out for me ;)

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  4. June11 February 2013 at 20:42

    Very sage words of advice, kiwi.

    (((hugs)))

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  5. Callie11 February 2013 at 22:59

    I have to say we've been through some of these situations. They are not nice at all. Thanks for sharing your lovely words :)

    Callie

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    1. kiwigirliegirl11 February 2013 at 23:46

      thanks Callie M - yeah not nice really to go through, but ttwd is a huge learning curve constantly isnt it, so we go through the ups and the downs and come out smiling the other end eventually :)

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  6. Roz12 February 2013 at 12:05

    Kiwi, I am so sorry you experienced all of these and am glad you are feeling better. These are all important things for tops/HoH's to be aware of. Being there for her and encouraging her are important, as is aftercare.

    I agree to with taking a break and safe words.

    Hugs
    Roz

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  7. Daisychain12 February 2013 at 17:16

    At the end of the day, if ALL these "tips" were not standard, I would withdraw consent for ttwd.

    Safeword absolutely ESSENTIAL, and even if "misused" it must still be honoured by the top. Every time. Otherwise it is abuse, not ttwd.

    Maybe it would be a good idea to have a discussion about these when you are both in a calm frame of mind? xxx

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  8. Anonymous12 February 2013 at 21:07

    "let" her have a safeword???
    There's no "let" if your dd is consentual. It's automatic that you have one if you choose.

    There's always a learning curve, yes, but some of what you mention sounds like it's more serious than a learning curve...it sounds like it was bordering on abuse.

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    1. kiwigirliegirl14 February 2013 at 23:21

      thanks anonymous

      Delete
    2. Anonymous15 February 2013 at 09:25

      I completely agree, Anonymous. Kiwigirliegirl, I hope you understand that a top cannot, under ANY circumstances, do anything to a bottom without the bottom's consent. A safeword is a right, not a privilege, and there's no such thing as misusing it. If you want something to stop, it has to stop.

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  9. Elder13 February 2013 at 14:50

    Hi Kiwi,
    I like the picture of the cat. (the kitten as well, but the cat is better in the context of the post). If that cat represents you during punishment, it is not working correctly. Daisychain mentions withdraw consent. If you do not want to take such drastic step, you could tell him it is an option you might be forced to exercise if he is not a bit more sensible about the spanking.
    As you know I am having to regain my upper hand after I was too soft with melinda over a period of time. But the opposite behaviour of a Dom is also not resulting in true submission.

    Good luck in dealing with it.

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    1. kiwigirliegirl14 February 2013 at 23:25

      thanks elder...i liked the cat picture too - it seemed to sum up exactly how i felt that night. withdrawl of consent isnt allowed. but i agree with daisy that things need to change...and to be honest the spanking itself wasnt has hard as i can usually take - just that night my pain tolerance was really low and its true what you say - being too soft as much as being too hard will lose that submission.

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    2. Elder15 February 2013 at 02:40

      Lets hope the coin drops, kiwi
      ;-)

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  10. Unknown13 February 2013 at 15:38

    You have given me fodder for a post miss! But it is past my bedtime so no time for that now.
    I know a bit more of the picture than most i'd guess, but i understand why some react they do -and they should! Based on what you tell them. I know there's more to it than that but i do actually still agree with them to some degree, but you know this already chick.
    I will write my post at first opportunity, hoping i'll still be able to remember it.

    Oh btw Sir you don't happen to recognize that cat by any chance?! *whistles looking up at the sky*


    Luffs ya chix! Surely we will discuss this tomorrow night ;)

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    1. kiwigirliegirl14 February 2013 at 23:34

      cant wait to read the post chix. I figured you would have a lot to say. i know the way i wrote this post it sounds like abuse or at the very least bordering on it...but its not, not really. It doesnt feel like abuse at the time, only afterwards and like i said i wrote this post feeling very raw and emotional mainly because of the lack of aftercare - which normally doesnt bother me...because usually if i ask for a hug he will give me a hug or a few. we will figure it out

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    2. Unknown16 February 2013 at 15:26

      well the post is up -let me know what you think of it! No doubt you will ;)

      I do want to highlight something on your comment above though:
      "It doesn't feel like abuse at the time, only afterwards..." You hear how that sounds? only afterwards... Had it been the other way around it had been a different matter (see tori's comment on my post if you're unsure what i mean). Speak to you soon my friend.
      mwah!

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  11. Elder14 February 2013 at 06:46

    OK melinda if that was you taking the picture of the cat, I can imagine he looks like kiwi being spanked by her Dom (talking of a full 360 degrees...) I don't know why you don't like each other? It is a nice cat....

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    1. Unknown14 February 2013 at 08:27

      What on earth are you on about Sir?! Ah my mum's cat? Was not referring to that at all I was referring to myself :-P

      Delete
  12. Rich Person14 February 2013 at 22:33

    It's very sound advice. Maybe the waves will travel through the ether and take residence where they're needed!

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  13. Daisychain15 February 2013 at 15:57

    Please don't misunderstand me, friends. I said I, that is, ME, PERSONALLY, I would withdraw consent for ttwd if things happened the way kiwi portrayed them. I don't presume to tell others what they should do in their relationships, which is why I suggested a long discussion about it for kiwi....because she sounded uncomfortable with the way things were. When people write their blogs, they may choose to exaggerate, or miss out personal bits which can make things seem way different to how they actually are. This may be done for many reasons; effect, drama, or privacy issues, etc. ALL I was trying to do was warn kiwi that a rethink needs to be considered on some of the points she raised and was clearly unhappy/uncomfortable with. For all of us, relationships evolve, and what we want/need in a relationship may change from one week to the next . TTWD gives us a platform to open detailed conversations with our partners, which is crucial to any successful partnership. xxxx

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    1. kiwigirliegirl17 February 2013 at 22:15

      Hi daisy, I did and do so appreciate your comments and advice...i think the worst part of that experience is that a year or so ago it wouldnt have bothered me, i could take a hard punishment, whatever sir wanted to give me. He and I now dont understand how things have changed for me and he gets frustrated with me. He feels (and is probably right) that I would abuse a safeword if we had one. He feels he can read me - and usually when i get to that point, he doesnt immediately stop but does shortly afterwards....i guess its his way of controlling the situation, yes he realizes i need to stop but its not for me to say when, so a few more strokes and then he stops.
      I wrote the post feeling very raw and emotional. I am frustrated, I know he is too. I want it to go back to how i used to be able to take it.
      We did talk about stopping altogether but neither of us wants to do that either. So for now its time to just slow down and be a little more gentle with me, the rules are still in place, everything that he expected of me he still expects...just the punishment is not going to be so harsh for a little while.

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    2. Elder17 February 2013 at 23:00

      Hi kiwi,
      you say stop and then he goes on for a while just to show he is the Dom. Sorry that does not make any sense at all. if anything it will make the whole safe-word go out of control and become confusing for both of you, risking a downward spiral. I would imagine you will now use the safe-word not based on an immediate emergency (the real purpose) but rather when you anticipate an eminent emergency. He will notice that and spank a bit on. you go past your "limit" so you will extend the safety margin and next time he will continue to spank a bit longer. you can imagine in which direction this goes. For what I understand he is not too open to suggestions (sorry to say so) but you need to explain him this.
      In any case for me if melinda says stop, it is dead stop for me. I will even stop a stroke I started already. I might be pissed off and it has happened. But when she says "stop" I want to find out what is going on before anything else.

      Hug, Brutus

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