Second Thoughts

I am having second thoughts about living in a DD relationship.  If it means me changing into someone that I am not, then I don't want it anymore.

There, I said it.

That was surprising hard to admit to myself.

Last night thorn rang to speak to Little Miss and as usual to Sir too. 

Thursday night is his bath night.  He relaxes back for an hour or two with a book, a beer and a smoke and enjoys some quiet peaceful time to himself.

She had rung and spoke to Little Miss.  Sir had instructed me to pick up the second phone and to listen to what she was saying.  So I did as I was told (yes OK gleefully, Ill admit it).

That was when Thorn said to Little Miss she wanted to talk to daddy.

Little Miss told her he was in the bath and so she said she would ring back.

She did.

I answered the phone this time.  I wish I hadn’t.

I told her he was still in the bath.

She TOLD  me to "just take the phone to him then".

Now this is where it gets tricky for me.  Hard to swallow, because I did.  I meekly took the phone to him.

2 years ago, before we started this, I would have told her where to get off, that she would have to wait for him to finish, and to try back in half an hour and hung the phone up.

But no, I took the phone to him.

I will defer to my husband every single time.

But I will not defer to anyone else in my house, absolutely no one.

I was so angry at myself.  At her.  At Sir.

Where has my backbone gone.  I acted like I was a doormat – her doormat.

I know Sir would preferred me to have handed the phone to him.  So in that respect I did defer to him.  But normally I would have just said to phone back as he was in the bath.  Why didn’t I do that.  I want to kick myself. 

So on the one hand I submitted to my husband but it feels like I lost a part of me in doing it.  Which is not what this is meant to be about.

It makes me feel like I am changing.  And not for the better, not for the right reasons.    I will change for Sir but not for anyone else.    

BUT

If DD means me being submissive to Thorn (oh that was so hard to write) then I quit, I give up DD.  I will gladly go back to our previous relationship, no more submitting to anyone, because its making me the person I don't want to be.  I am not a doormat, I will not submit to a person like HER.  Not ever.  And standing up for myself does not mean I'm not submissive to Sir.  Does it?