Control issues and the rug beater

Sounds a little bit like an American TV drama series, doesnt it? (Like The Scarecrow and Mrs. King or Starskey and Hutch) LOL. I wish. I am not handling nightshift as well as I thought I would. Sir and I are working at it but it’s causing some issues and not where you might expect it. We had a good discussion about it last night in the shed. My bottom bore the brunt of the discussion and finally I think we made some headway. The main issue is control. Yes, Sir is in control, he is HOH, he is SIR to be loved and respected; to be honoured; to be obeyed. But during the week, when it’s just me well, it’s different. It feels different. I may follow the rules; I’m in bed by 10.30pm. I’m doing my exercise (for the most part and it may very well be like pulling teeth for Sir to get me to do them, but I do, do them eventually) I’m not arguing and fussing with Little Miss (well, not usually). Anything I do that breaks a rule I write down or I tell him and write it down. It’s more emotional. It’s more about the space my head and attitude are in. When it’s just me and the kids, basically I feel I’m in charge. I wear the boss hat. And basically although I follow Sir’s rules, I still feel in charge and the boss. And its really hard to re-adjust on a weekend when sir his home. Before nightshift, when Sir is around, he is without a doubt in charge and in control. There was no question. And if I did question, then woe betide me, the consequences were then and there. When he started nightshift our dynamic changed. Not overnight, but we agreed on Sunday night that yes over the time he has been working nightshift, it has changed or at least my perception of it has changed. He feels very much still in charge - and phycially he is...its my attitude my heart my I am finding it very hard to give back the control on a weekend when he is home. We have spent more time fighting and arguing over the last couple of weekends and this last weekend was the worst. My attitude was awful. I was argumentative. I was sullen. I was cruel with the words used. I threatened to leave him. I was disrespectful and disobedient. There were tears and raised voices (on my part). Sir took it in his stride, until we reached the shed last night. He had rearranged things as to my position. He had me bend across a wide bench so that I could read from my book while in position. He made me read it over and over again out loud to him. He started with the flogger. He made me repeat three sentences over and over again: “Sir is my boss” “I must obey Sir” “I must stay within my boundaries”. Over and over again I had to repeat these words. He used the flogger and the paddle, the studded strap and the rug beater. At one stage with the studded strap he drew blood - just little spots where the studs break the skin. I struggled big time with that, that horrible spanking panic feeling. So he stopped using it. Thankfully. Funnily enough when he first used the strap I had my face down and I didn’t see it, it hurt but I didn’t have that panic feeling. It was only when I saw what he was going to use that I “panicked”… perhaps a blindfold next week might help so that I can’t see what is coming. He often tells me not to look at him, to keep my face down as he is spanking me. Something to think about. Every few swipes I had to say thank you. And then repeat what I had done wrong and then repeat the three sentence mantra. He gave me a couple of breaks in between and then it was back to it. He agreed with me that I am struggling to hand over control to him on a weekend but he also said that I had better hurry up and learn because in the meantime he would show me no leniency towards my attitude. I had better get it in check or else … more of last night. Finally, it was over. He left me in position to pull myself together and to think about things. And then he took me in his arms, and I mumbled my apologies into his chest. He stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head. He led me back to the house and up to bed where he tucked me in for sleep. And oh boy did I sleep well. I'm currently feeling quite meek and humble and submissive. I hope I can make it last. He promised me that if I am a good girl all week then next Sunday we will only use the flogger. But if I misbehave in anyway shape or form, actions or attitude – then the rug beater will come out to play too.   I think its just a matter of him getting and me letting him into my head again.        And I guess there is one sure fire way of doing that...and that's plenty of this.... or maybe lots more of this..................